Wednesday, September 24, 2008

5 Myths About Sex After 50

Hi All,

I apologize for my lack of content lately but I am under several deadlines at the moment. To fill in between my blog entries, I'll be sharing with you interesting articles by other thoughtful folks who believe in love and the pursuit of sensual happiness. Below is a great piece by Sari Locker, PH.D. Learn and enjoy!


Whether you've been single for a while or are just getting back into the dating scene, you probably have a few ideas about what your love life should be like at this age. Maybe you've even joked to yourself, "What love life? Aren't I too old to act like a hormonal teenager?" But the truth is, these years can bring on your very best sexual experiences. To show you how, I've laid out some of the most common misconceptions about sex at this age, and explained where faulty logic may lead you astray. Keep these reality checks in mind and plenty of satisfying experiences await.

Myth #1: If you're having sex with someone, you can assume it's serious

You may remember back in high school when, after three dates, you were officially a committed couple. But times have changed. Today, even if you've been dating and/or sleeping with someone for months, you can never assume you're exclusive -- or, for that matter, that your one-and-only is dying to find a life partner and settle down. Many 50-somethings want to date around, especially if they're divorced and experiencing single life again for the first time in years. So, don't get so caught up in the excitement of your new romance that you let this crucial detail slide. Many people find that the best time to pop the question is once it becomes clear that you may soon start having sex. If that's your case, consider saying it this way: "Before we sleep together, I need to know this relationship is exclusive." Or if you've already crossed that line, it's completely fine to pull back and say, "I'm not comfortable continuing to sleep with you unless we're in a committed relationship." That way, you're both clear on your expectations and won't be blindsided by surprises.

Myth #2: You're too old to worry about STDs
Just because the risk of pregnancy is gone after menopause doesn't mean you're in the clear when it comes to having unprotected sex. Sexually transmitted diseases can be passed from partner to partner at any age and aren't merely something younger generations need to worry about. According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 23 percent of the total diagnoses of HIV in the past year were in men and women who were 45 or older. Overall, about 10 percent of all people with AIDS in the U.S. are age 50 and older. And that's not all there is to watch out for -- herpes, HPV, Chlamydia, and other ailments are all surprisingly common in this age group. So make sure to use condoms and consider both getting tested before you jump into action.

Myth #3: Your aging body is no longer as attractive as it once was

Sure, many of today's most prevalent sex symbols -- Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and Justin Timberlake -- are young. Still, there are plenty of celebrities over 50 -- Goldie Hawn, Susan Sarandon, and Sean Connery, to name a few -- who prove that people can be hot at any age. So stop worrying about your wrinkles, gray hair and less-than-youthful assets and revel in the ways age has made you even more seductive: Now, more than ever, you're in touch with your turn-ons, turn-offs, and what makes you tick. And that's very attractive! Plus, take a cue from some of those older hotties I mentioned by staying fit, getting a new hairstyle, or splurging on a new outfit or two to feel fabulous and up-to-date. Also, if you are meeting someone, forgo the sedentary dinner date and ask this person to go on a walk or dancing instead. Revving your energy like this can boost your body image and pave the way to a lustier post-date encounter.

Myth #4: Sex should feel the same as it did when you were younger

It's a fact of life: Sex is going to feel different as you age. Post-menopausal women lubricate less, which can make sex uncomfortable. Men over 50 may find that their erections are not as firm or frequent as they were when they were younger. This is all normal, and in no way means you can't enjoy yourself by making some adjustments. Consider getting a water-based lubricant (many are available at drugstores) to help out where nature has left off. Men, see a doctor to find out if Viagra or a similar medication will give you the boost you may need. But products and prescriptions are not the only solutions. When the action's lagging, consider switching from intercourse to oral sex or asking each other, "What can I do to make you feel good?" Keep the lines of communication open, and you'll easily adapt to your body's changes and those of your partner.

Myth #5: By this point, you know what you like -- and should stick to it

Think you've been there, done that with all things sexual and have a good handle on what floats your boat in bed? Guess again: People's tastes and turn-ons change through the years, and sometimes, the only way to figure out what works is to try it -- or, if you already did decades ago, give it a second chance. Maybe sex toys seemed silly or embarrassing to you during your younger years. Now, however, they are an array of cute, non-threatening products available in non-sleazy stores and online sites (like Goodvibes.com). Or, maybe you were never a fan of a certain sex position (like woman on top) or activity (like talking dirty). Well, now's the time to reconsider. It sure beats doing the same old, same old for the next few decades. Treat sex like the ongoing adventure it should be, and the fun will never end!

Dr. Sari Locker, Ph.D., is a sex educator, TV personality, and author of the bestseller, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex. She has an M.S. in sex education and a Ph.D. in psychology, and was the host of Late Date with Sari on Lifetime Television.
Her website is sarilocker.com.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Thigh Highs and Other Self-Starters

It's amazing how having a fifteen year old daughter who is on the cusp of discovering her own sensuality/sexuality makes you step back and take a look at your own. It's also amazing how so much of these discussions begin because the girl is once again pilfering in your damn closet.

Okay, so I'm downstairs in my office writing and from above I hear, "Mom, just how many thigh high pairs of boots do you own?"

Damn! Why can't this girl stay out of my stuff? If I find one more post-it stuck to something saying, 'Sorry, I'll get this fixed' or 'I'll get you a new one,' my son is going to be an only child, but that's a different post.

So I take the stairs two at a time, not an easy feat on a spiral staircase, but the need for speed is great because frankly, tall boots make great storage space for other things, (if you know what I mean) and I'm just not in the mood to tackle a discussion on things that go buzz in the night. I get to my closet and thank goodness, she's not ventured into the trying on stage.

"Why are you in my closet?"

"Why do you need three pairs of *thigh high boots? You're old."

I wanted to tell her to kiss my loving ass, but I don't because apparently you aren't suppose to say those kind of things to your children, but I damn sure screamed in my head--hard and loud. I didn't bother to tell her that I've had some of those boots nearly as long as I've had her because that only seemed to go to her 'you're old' argument. Nor did I tell her that at 50, I too had begun to question whether I was too old to wear such fashion, but that after seeing style expert Lloyd Boston's appropriately fabulous mother (I interviewed him for a magazine article and she was there)who well into her sixties was rocking some thigh high suede boots, I knew I could still hang.

So I told her the truth, "Because I like them."

Apparently after she was denied access to them and any other pair of my shoes (I'm still waiting for her to have the heels fixed on one of my favorite pair that she broke while practicing her America's Next Top Model stroll) she lost interest and went back to her world, leaving me in my closet trying on my old friends.

My legs and feet are my other best features. Yeah, boobs,legs and feet. (It's all the other stuff in between that gets a little shaky, but I digress.) So as every WMS should do, I tend to wear things that play them up. My skirts hit me in the right place, usually 1 to 3 inches from the knee and I always wear heels, which make them look longer give them nice definition.

And one day I discovered thigh high stockings. As with most things, I stumbled on the stockings and their sex appeal. Years ago, I decided to try them because I absolutely hate pantyhose. They are constricting and they always add another roll around my middle--the last thing my six pack abs(of jello) needed. So fast forward, I put them on with a cocktail dress and at one point in the evening my skirt flipped revealing the top of the stocking. Let's just say my husband's reaction was telling...and I liked it. They brought out my bad girl and made me feel daring and bold AND they solved my pantyhose issue. SEXY and COMFORTABLE...an awesome combination!

Well, natch, the boots followed. They cause the same reaction and the wonderful thing is they do so with whatever I am wearing. Whether I wear the flat pair with a tunic and leggings or the heels with the tops hiding under my skirt hem only to reveal a little skin when I sit, I get a positive reaction and that makes me feel great. But it really doesn't matter if nobody notices because I do and act accordingly.

So the moral of this story is: Find what makes you feel good and daring and sexy and rock it. But don't necessarily LOOK for them, sometimes the best things FIND you. Be in tune with yourself and recognize when something flips the switch and then own the look and work it. And it doesn't have to be anything overtly sexy, just something that is sexy to you. This way they become authentic props to your sensual self and not something you put on (come on, say it with me now) you want to PLAY sexy.

Oh, and the other truth to this story: Don't let any young thing, even if she does belong to you, question your feminine confidence. Remember: they may have the shiny and new equipment, but don't have the slightest idea what to do with it. It's the seasoning that comes with a little wear and tear that really makes a woman sexy--even if she can tuck her boobs in her thigh high boots!

What do you think?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Remember the Lessons

This is a tough day for me and my family. My husband was a former employee of Cantor Fitzgerald, one of the companies hardest hit in the 9-11 attack. My brother was stationed at the Pentagon at that time. Gratefully, both of my loved ones were spared, but that day we lost so many friends who throughout the years had expanded the quality of our lives with their own.

So every year I light a candle and sit and watch the memorial waiting for their names to be called and remember the things about them that make me smile and inspire me. I'm grateful for each of their legacies because they remind me of the lessons I learned from this horrible time and have carried with me since. They are are simple but profound:

1) Life is too short to waste it worry about what other people think of me or think I should do with my life.

2) Declaring and showing my love is more important than simply feeling it.

3) Appreciation and gratitude for what I already have trumps the regret for what I don't.

4) Desire for something different is the mark of growth not selfishness.

5) Living and being alive are two very different things.

6) Settling is not an option.

What lessons did you learn? It's not too late to recognize and incorporate them into your life. Turn this tragedy into a positive learning experience and bless the men, women and children who perished that day. Thank them for helping you understand that life is meant to be lived and the time to start is now. And then do just that. Live.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Unearthing Your Sensual Man

For those of us women who have discovered the power and pleasure of living sensuously, trying to enroll our families, particularly our men, into the lifestyle can be a challenge. Most of us would argue that the men in our lives, while great, are not necessarily the sensitive, let-me-stop-and-sniff-the-flowers types. But not so fast.

It is amazing how often we are wrong about what men do and don’t like. And while it’s true you may not get him to walk with you and be awed to tears by the natural beauty that surrounds him, don’t think for a moment that men, no matter how macho, don’t appreciate the experience of living sensually. I emphasize the word ‘experience’ because conceptually, sensuality is not on the conscious radar of the vast majority of men. But you’d be hard pressed to find one that won’t enjoy it when he’s in the midst of your sensual world.

In other words, in order to unearth your sensual man, you may first have to bring the pleasure of sensuous living to him and not be concerned that initially he may not even realize what’s happening. But believe me, before long most of you will see little changes taking place that indicate his transformation.

As pointed out previously, living through your five senses is all about pleasure. Here are a few ideas to help you enroll your family into your sensual world.

1. Turn your environment into a sensual wonderland. If you can’t work on your entire home, start with your bedroom and make it an oasis for relaxation, pleasure and passion. Your makeover can be as simple or as elaborate as you can afford, but even with only a few changes, you can make it a space where your man and his senses are tantalized and seduced. Keep four out of your five senses in mind (taste in this instance has only to do with style, but make sure that his tastes are included!).

2. Savor mealtime. At least once a week, treat yourself and your mate to some sensual dining. Make your meals scrumptious by incorporating assorted textures and tastes, and serve them in a visually pleasing manner. Candles, flowers, and table linens go a long way in helping to make meals more a true dining experience. Take the time to taste and enjoy every bite as you savor your meal and the company of your loved ones. And when possible, include him in the cooking process. Don't just make him your sous chef for the sake of the extra kitchen help--taste and tantalize while cooking up the idea of 'dessert' while you're working--if you know what I mean!

3. Be in the moment and draw him into it with you. As you witness and savor the sensual world around you, share your discoveries and delights with your husband. Happiness and gratitude are contagious. Let him see the new enthusiasm for the beauty of life as you find it and before you know it, he’ll be noticing a few things on his own.

What do you think?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

August Poll Result...I Am Fine as I Am

Here are your poll results for the month of August. I'm happy to report that you all are some awesomely secure women.

11% of you said you'd rather be sexy than smart.

6% of you said you'd rather be rich rather than be in love.

16% of you said you'd rather be happy than beautiful.

4% of you said you'd rather be a man eater than a wife

60% of you said you were fine just as you were.

As I am so fond of saying, being yourself can never be wrong, and the majority of you are on your way to working YOU to the ultimate.