Wednesday, October 1, 2008

September Poll Results...Chemistry Counts

Last month's poll was on the concept of sexual chemistry. For the most part, poll results were fairly predictable, and happily, it seems the majority of you are doing just fine in the laboratory of love! I did think the percentage of those linking chemistry to relationship viability would be higher. I'll explain why below.

First, here are the results to September's poll question: I think chemistry in a relationship is something that:

53% said chemistry is something you know you have immediately

51% said chemistry keeps a relationship viable

12% said chemistry takes time to develop and build

7% said chemistry it is overrated because respect and affection is more durable

2% said chemistry is something you wish your relationship had more of

I decided to ask this question because I often have Stiletto U students who don't know or who are reluctant to recognize the importance of chemistry between themselves and a potential or current partner.

So what is sexual chemistry?

Sexual chemistry is that undeniable attraction that is felt on an unspoken level between two people, even before any type of relationship has started. You know that delicious feeling you get towards someone who makes you twirl your hair and bite your lip. It's that exchange of energy that makes you feel giddy and light and has you daydreaming aboutwhat he's like in bed while he's trying to patiently explain to you the difference between a lager and an ale.

There is no denying that sex between two people with great chemistry is exhilarating. Lovers with red-hot chemistry tend to respond to each other with amazing intensity, and are in the moment with each other, enjoying every minute of the experience mind AND body. Great sexual chemistry ebbs and flows in time but the attraction remains constant.

But let's not forget that sexual chemistry also encompasses the compatibility of two people are once they're actually having sex. And like most things, the way women and men look at sexual chemistry can be very different. Most women tend to see it as a foundation upon which to build a relationship, while men are more hard wired to look at great chemistry as the predictor of steamy sex. And women are much more likely than men to connect sexual chemistry with love.

What I hear often is that a woman has great sexual chemistry with a guy but then after a few months, things fizzle out. By that time she's thinking she's made a love connection and is confused why things didn't work out. Largely I find, this is because she is focused on the sexual attraction and willfully ignoring the issues outside the bedroom. And yet, because sex is so good between them she has a difficult time recognizing the truth and moving on because she has indeed equated this chemistry with love.

On the other hand, I encounter other SU students who recognize that they are not sexually compatible with their lover but hang in anyway, hoping things will change or convincing themselves that it doesn't really matter, all the while setting themselves and their relationships up for outside interference. (More on sexual incompatibility next time.)

Bottom line: Sexual chemistry is vital in keeping a relationship strong and viable. At the same time there are levels of intensity, all which are fine as long as they match your lover' other words, as long as you are sexually compatible in your chemical reaction to each other firing up the love lab should not be a problem.

What do you think?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow, you don't know how timely this post is for me. I'm struggling with this issue in my marriage right now. I truly believe that we are sexually incompatible and lack chemistry. We didn't lose the spark, it was never there. Is it possible to overcome sexual incompatibility? I feel like compatibility is something you have or you don't. So I'll be looking forward to your next post.