Thursday, March 27, 2008
Tie Me Up; Tie Me Down
This month's poll was about fantasizing. I decided to ask because at my last workshop we got into a discussion about the pros and cons of fantasizing while you're making love. There were many opinions but they mostly boiled down to the four questions that were posed on the poll. Before we get into a short discussion (okay, before I give you MY opinion on the subject), here are the results of March's survey:
40% of you fantasize often when you're making love as you find it a big turn on.
30% of you say occasionally but only when you need a little boost.
20% of you rarely fantasize because it distracts you from the business at hand.
10% of you never fantasize because in your minds it's cheating.
Your numbers stack right up with what my anecdotal data reveals--we ladies do have a very active sexual imagination. Though, it's my humble opinion that fewer women are as turned on by pornography as men, I don't know too many women who at one point or another who haven't had some pretty saucy, XX-rated thoughts pole dancing in their heads.
I personally believe that fantasizing is healthy and oh so necessary (girl, please, I have been married for 23 years). Fantasizing about Denzel, Brad, George, or that yummy Lamman How-can-you-NOT-want-to-bring-him-home-in-your-head Rucker (did you see him in Why Did I Get Married?)is not a bad thing. The joy of a pleasurable ‘mind job” is that you don’t have to be responsible, reasonable or safe for that matter. Letting your mind be a sexy playground where you can fulfill every side of your sexual self—-even the freaky side, which will probably never see the light of day, but can be some serious fuel to keep that lusty home fire burning,--and nobody ever has to know--unless you choose to share.
And for the most part, most women don't. Surveys show that what goes on in your head stays in your head because more women would rather have their fantasies remain just that--an imagined event--than actually bring them to life. I agree. Who wants to risk that the object of your lust has bad breath or hammer toes? Or that your body would actually break into hives if you tried to wear latex?
We try not to judge any one's decisions here at WMS, but like flirting I don't think that married women fantasizing about someone else other than their husbands is an act of infidelity. Trust me, he'd rather you do it your head than out on the street!
Do understand that this isn't about creating a secret sex life that becomes more fulfilling as your real one. If it does, then I think you do have a problem and it is closer to cheating. And I'm not talking about cheating on him but rather cheating yourself out of your God-given right to a wonderful sex life. I do think that if you can't get or stay aroused with your partner without fantasizing that maybe you need to look at your relationship because the need to constantly escape is telling you something. And like men who become addicted to Internet porn, you don't want your fantasy world to breech the all important intimacy between you and your lover.
Having said all that,here are a couple of tips for those of you in committed relationships:
1) Let your lover watch. In your head of course! Every once in a while make him part of the fantasy. Let him be the voyeur tied up in the corner who sees you at your wicked best. I know it sounds a little strange, but it has been my experience that taking him with you every now and again to fantasy land goes a long way in keeping him with you in the real world.
2) Share them with him. Keep track of your fantasies and write them down in a beautiful journal. Give them to him as a gift and use it to spice up your nights with a little bedtime reading. Or if you're worried about your writing skills go the time honored oral storytelling tradition. And if you are going to share, I'd advise that you definitely make him part of your fantasy. It will be a turn on for both of you.
What do you think?