Tie Me Up; Tie Me Down

This month's poll was about fantasizing. I decided to ask because at my last workshop we got into a discussion about the pros and cons of fantasizing while you're making love. There were many opinions but they mostly boiled down to the four questions that were posed on the poll. Before we get into a short discussion (okay, before I give you MY opinion on the subject), here are the results of March's survey:

40% of you fantasize often when you're making love as you find it a big turn on.

30% of you say occasionally but only when you need a little boost.

20% of you rarely fantasize because it distracts you from the business at hand.

10% of you never fantasize because in your minds it's cheating.

Your numbers stack right up with what my anecdotal data reveals--we ladies do have a very active sexual imagination. Though, it's my humble opinion that fewer women are as turned on by pornography as men, I don't know too many women who at one point or another who haven't had some pretty saucy, XX-rated thoughts pole dancing in their heads.

I personally believe that fantasizing is healthy and oh so necessary (girl, please, I have been married for 23 years). Fantasizing about Denzel, Brad, George, or that yummy Lamman How-can-you-NOT-want-to-bring-him-home-in-your-head Rucker (did you see him in Why Did I Get Married?)is not a bad thing. The joy of a pleasurable ‘mind job” is that you don’t have to be responsible, reasonable or safe for that matter. Letting your mind be a sexy playground where you can fulfill every side of your sexual self—-even the freaky side, which will probably never see the light of day, but can be some serious fuel to keep that lusty home fire burning,--and nobody ever has to know--unless you choose to share.

And for the most part, most women don't. Surveys show that what goes on in your head stays in your head because more women would rather have their fantasies remain just that--an imagined event--than actually bring them to life. I agree. Who wants to risk that the object of your lust has bad breath or hammer toes? Or that your body would actually break into hives if you tried to wear latex?

We try not to judge any one's decisions here at WMS, but like flirting I don't think that married women fantasizing about someone else other than their husbands is an act of infidelity. Trust me, he'd rather you do it your head than out on the street!

Do understand that this isn't about creating a secret sex life that becomes more fulfilling as your real one. If it does, then I think you do have a problem and it is closer to cheating. And I'm not talking about cheating on him but rather cheating yourself out of your God-given right to a wonderful sex life. I do think that if you can't get or stay aroused with your partner without fantasizing that maybe you need to look at your relationship because the need to constantly escape is telling you something. And like men who become addicted to Internet porn, you don't want your fantasy world to breech the all important intimacy between you and your lover.

Having said all that,here are a couple of tips for those of you in committed relationships:

1) Let your lover watch. In your head of course! Every once in a while make him part of the fantasy. Let him be the voyeur tied up in the corner who sees you at your wicked best. I know it sounds a little strange, but it has been my experience that taking him with you every now and again to fantasy land goes a long way in keeping him with you in the real world.

2) Share them with him. Keep track of your fantasies and write them down in a beautiful journal. Give them to him as a gift and use it to spice up your nights with a little bedtime reading. Or if you're worried about your writing skills go the time honored oral storytelling tradition. And if you are going to share, I'd advise that you definitely make him part of your fantasy. It will be a turn on for both of you.

What do you think?

Get Ready for a Sizzling Summer

The Spring semester of Stiletto University begins the week of May 12th, in just enough time to get yourself ready for one hot and sizzling summer! Brush off those winter blues and spring into a fabulous new you.

Stiletto U is a six-week program dedicated to helping women blossom into the incredible, desirable women they were meant to be. At Stiletto U you'll learn how to bolster your feminine confidence by developing your unique individuality; to charm and disarm any and everyone who crosses your path; to wake up your sexy mind and excel in the art of seduction.

If you'd like to receive the Stiletto U course catalog or would like more information, email stilettou@yahoo.com

PS. Gift certificates are available. A Stiletto U enrollment makes a wonderful and unique Mothers Day gift for the mom in your life, even if that W.O.W. (worn out woman!) is you!

What's Your Passion?

Okay, so I'm at a cocktail reception this weekend and find myself eavesdropping on a most interesting discussion taking place next to me between several men about their sex lives. As I reveled in the chance to get into the heads of three overtly sexual men (research, darling), I huddle up as close as I could without knocking anyone over and caught an ear full. What I heard first got me mad and then made me think.

The men were painfully lamenting over the 'fact' that their wives didn't seem to enjoy sex and had zero passion when it come to lovemaking. One even spoke the asinine words aloud that perhaps the reason New York's ex-governor had spent some $80,000 on prostitutes was because the First Lady wasn't putting out. Hmmm...typical. Blame the woman for not meeting yet another of his needs.

This is the part that made me mad. The idea that men cheat because their women aren't sexual enough. Aren't passionate enough. Aren't attentive enough. And yes, there are those women who aren't very sexual or sexual or attentive but the reasons behind their mindset and inattentiveness are vast and varied, many of which we address right here in this blog. And yoo hoo, what about you? Before you pecked her lips and grabbed your woman between the legs did you even think about the fact that women get turned on first in their heads? That it doesn't matter how many times or how quickly you can make a woman come to orgasm that without the mind fuck passion doesn't really come alive for us? But then to blame us for your cheating? That's just wrong and cowardly.

Chronic cheating is more about a man's own identity crisis, insecurities and inability to be the man he wants to be. Like energy attracts like energy. It goes both ways, bud.

That's all the stuff I wanted to say but didn't because I was supposed to be minding my own business.

But then I started thinking (you know we writers never see anything in strictly black or white. It's the shades of gray that are most interesting to us!). There are an awful lot of women out there who aren't passionate about anything let alone sex. Women who believe that passion is something lived only through their sex lives. They have very little passion about things outside the bedroom and then have trouble turning inside.

Think about it. Have you ever asked yourself, "What am I truly passionate about?" I bet that most of you can't identify a true passion in your life beyond your children, and that can be a stretch on some days.

We tend to think of passion in the same erroneous way we think (or thought before you started reading this blog)of sensuality--as some obscure emotion that we pull out of our sexual trick bag and turn on for the delight of our partner. And it's true, one definition of passion is strong sexual desire and excitement. But true passion is about having a sincere zest for life. It's about finding wonder and excitement in all aspects of your life, not just in the bedroom.

Passion is not something someone bestows on you or turns on within you. If it's there, they can turn in up but you're the only one who can actually turn it on. And you can fake it for sure, but why live with fraudulent passion when you can have the awe-inspiring real thing? What fun is that?

Live with passion in all areas of your life and you'll find that between the sheets, it becomes a natural extension of who you truly are--not someone you're trying to be. Learn to live with passion and you'll soon learn that you were never lacking sexual prowess, but rather interest and curiosity in ALL areas of your life.

Living life through your senses is a natural gateway to living with full-on passion. As I've stated many times, when you live with the joyous preoccupation of the wonders all around you, you can't help but become more loving, grateful, appreciative, joyous and yes, passionate. Finding delight in your true nature and taking interest and care of yourself and your appearance will make you feel more confident and interesting, which also ups the big "P" factor.

Get into life. Find joy where you stand. And just watch how much more passionate you become.

What do you think?

Haters

My 15-year-old daughter came home today very excited that she'd earned a spot in advanced placement history class. She was excited and quite proud of herself. She should be. The girl is a worker and when she decides she wants to do something, she gets the job done. I admire her and though I probably tell her less often than I should, she inspires me. Her happiness and sense of self-satisfaction was marred by friends who had not made the list. Suddenly, getting into AP classes wasn't such a big deal. Kind of nerdy in fact.

Her experience immediately took me back to high school when I'd been selected as a homecoming princess and suddenly two of my 'friends' declared that being on the homecoming court was so uncool. Their advice: turn it down. I didn't and we didn't stay friends for much longer. Through the years since, there have been other occasions when the folks I thought had my back were some of the first to prick the bubble and try to let the air out of my excitement.

I told my daughter that story and gave her the same advice I give myself--don't give anyone the power to steal your joy.

Many of my Stiletto U students are dealing with the same issue. They are finding that one negative of finding their sensual, more confident selves has been the emergence of player haters. So I remind them that nothing gained comes without cost. If you want flowers you need rain. And it always seems like the first person to rain on your parade is the friend you expected would share her umbrella.

I think the hardest thing about the haters is their timing. Just when you feel the confidence and strength that comes from recognizing your own value and amazing attributes, here comes Ms. Pissed Off At the World, trying to tear you down for feeling good about yourself. And what makes it doubly bad is that if you've really learned the lessons, you're feeling more accepting of others just the way they are. You understand that there's no reason to tear anybody else down in order to build yourself up. You recognize that your power base comes not from ego but from love of self. So damn it, what's wrong with these heifers! And sadly, it's not just women. Some men in your lives may feel threatened as well.

So for those of you who have made big changes in your life and are also finding a little hatin' going on, think of it this way. With your transformation you have become a mirror. And when some folks look at the confident, sensual, new you, all they see reflected back are all the ways they feel inadequate and lacking. So instead of being happy for you and inspired by your growth, they get angry at you for having the courage to take control of your own success and happiness.

Sometimes the new you will find the need to sit these folks down and try understand their feelings. For some, when the status quo shifts, they are left feeling uncertain of their role. Maybe they've always been the ones who get all of the attention and now here you come. Friend has become competitor in their minds. Often they need to be reassured that just because you've changed doesn't mean everything around you will change too.

But sometimes it's a matter of misery loving company and those 'friends' will often try to hold you back. You will need to weed out those in your garden who are more concerned about choking back your growth than giving you the love and support to help you bloom.

The key is as long as your new found divaesque stature does nothing to belittle or make others feel less about themselves, you're okay and you just need to move on and upward. But always check yourself. Ego ain't sexy. Confidence is.

What do you think?

Shoe News You Can (and Should) Use

I saw this on AOL and thought I'd pass it along. I always knew that shoes made me feel tall and sexy but who knew the other secret benefits!!

From the Editors at Netscape


Call it heel appeal. Women who wear high heels may give their sex life a boost, and it has nothing to do with the effect these sexy shoes have on men and their libido.

Italian urologist Dr. Maria Cerruto of the University of Verona has concluded that walking in higher heels--and they don't have to be stilettos--gives a workout to the pelvic floor muscles, the pleasure muscles that are linked to orgasm.

February Poll Results

The February Question was: When do you wear your sexy unmentionables?

31% said Everyday
5% said On romantic occasions
39% said When they're in the 'mood'
23% said What sexy unmentionables

Boys and Toys

When it comes to boys and toys, the crucial thing for any Weapon of Mass Seduction to remember is that boys are the ultimate toys and anything else you bring to the party are just favors. Toys are never a full-time replacement for boys but sometimes the combination of the two can make it feel like Christmas Eve all year round!

The thing is, some guys are really into the idea but many are not, and it's a good thing to know what side of the toy aisle your man is standing on before you show up to bed with a set of handcuffs and a whip dangling from your hand.

Many men love the idea of their women having a private toy box and are very turned on by the idea of a female confident enough to take her pleasure in her own hands. These men, if given the chance, are thrilled to play with you and if you are so inclined, you should be happy to invite them for a play date. And don't be surprised if he prefers to watch you play with toys than participate. Let your own comfort level be your guide on that one.

But other men may find pleasure toys threatening for the same reasons that some women find porn threatening, because they feel like we don't get turned on by them or that they aren't pleasing us. Others are concerned that over time, you may possibly prefer the steady, always ready vibrator over him.

If your lover is shy about the toy thing, here are some hints for introducing toys into your relationship:

1) It should never be a total surprise. Prime your lover before springing it on him in bed. In fact, make it a new theme for a red hot night.

2) Size does matter. If you show up with a realistic looking sumthin sumthin that is waaaaay larger than his own, you're bound to crush his ego and be sorry you even started this whole thing.

3) Start with toys designed for your pleasure, then find ways to use them for his. Also, start with things that are more sedate in nature--feather dusters, blindfolds, simple vibrators. This helps keep the intimidation factor in check.

4) Practice makes perfect. Before you introduce your playthings into the game, first play and practice with them yourself. The more acquainted you are with how they can be used to increase your pleasure, the more successful your play date will be and the more willing he'll be to try again.

Don't forget, with every new toy purchase you should buy extra batteries AND cleaner. It's really important to clean your toys well after every use.

And lastly, if you prefer to keep your toys to yourself that's all good too.

Enjoy and play nice!