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Friday's FYI: Sexplanations, the Science Behind Sex

By Lindsey Palmer & Nicole Yorio

You know that sex makes you feel closer to your guy, that stilettos are totally hot, and that hitting the sheets together feels completely different from satisfying yourself solo — but have you ever wondered why?

Lucky for you, author Jena Pincott sifted through hundreds of scientific studies in order to explain what's behind these and other sexy truths in her new book, Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes? Read on for the answers to three burning questions.

Why do I like and trust him more after sex? You can thank your hormones for this one. "When you cuddle, kiss, or have sex, your body's oxytocin production kicks in," says Pincott. "This so-called hug drug helps you feel closer and more connected by suppressing activity in the part of your brain that processes fear and dampening the production of stress hormones." Orgasm leads to a particularly strong surge of oxytocin. "And because estrogen enhances the effects of oxytocin and we women have much higher estrogen levels than men, we're more likely to experience this touching-leads-to-trusting phenomenon," says Pincott.


Why are high heels sexy? The stuff you strut is more sensual when you're up on your toes, says Pincott: "Heels force your pelvis to tilt so that both your rear end and chest stick out." One study showed that leg lengths 5 percent longer than average are the most attractive, so for most women, a 1.5- to 3-inch heel would create the ideal leg length. "This attraction might be evolutionary, because long legs are associated with better long-term health, which would appeal to a mate," says Pincott. "Plus, much like a peacock flaunts his feathers, which are really quite heavy and a nuisance, a woman teetering in heels can show off her fitness and coordination."

Why is intercourse more satisfying than masturbation?Good sex engages your body and senses (not to mention your emotions) more deeply than masturbation, so it stimulates the production of higher levels of dopamine, the horniness hormone. Now, stay with us here: After orgasm, dopamine levels plummet and another hormone, prolactin, skyrockets to take dopamine's place. "Prolactin is what gives you that feeling of satiety — and the more dopamine you had in your bloodstream during sex, the more prolactin rushes in to replace it afterward," says Pincott. "In fact, prolactin levels are a full 400 percent higher in people when they've just had sex than when they've masturbated." Another one of prolactin's effects you might have noticed: Post-coitus, it puts your partner right to sleep!

January Poll Results

In January we asked the question: What keeps you from having more sex?

30% said lack of a partner

8% said lack of interest IN my partner

23% said lack of interest BY my partner

21% said lack of time or energy

15% said lack of confidence

If you look through this blog, you'll see previous posts on sex from sexual chemistry to the importance of sex on the brain that will hopefully help you navigate through some of your issues.

Additionally, listed below are some of the health benefits associated with regular sex. Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a New York sex therapist, says there are 10 distinct ways in which sex has a positive physical effect.

• Relieves stress
• Boosts the immune system
• Burns calories
• Reduces stroke and heart attack risks
• Boosts self-esteem
• Improves intimacy
• Reduces body pain
• Lowers prostate cancer risk
• Strengthens pelvic muscles
• Helps you sleep better

Sex does a body good!

December Poll Results

Here are your poll results for December. The question was: All I want for Christmas is...

7% said More Time for Me
17% said More Money
20% said More Love
50% said More Sex
47% said All of the Above

I love you, my lovely, lusty ladies! Half of you said you wanted more sex in your life while nearly the same said you want it all.

So the question is: What are you going to do to bring more of what you want into your life? Are you going to stand aside and wish for what you want or step up and make things happen?

While our nation and the world is in the midst of this major correction and busy trying to find its center, you should be taking this opportunity to prepare yourself for the life you want. You can line up and be part of the B & M chorus (that's bitch and moan) or you can be part of the Do and Be crowd. Take a guess which group is going to achieve results faster?

How do I get started, you ask? First sit down and interview yourself about what you love and hate about your life as it is right now. Make two lists, one of all the things you truly want to eliminate in your life this year. All the negative, toxic things that are keeping you from being the magnificent woman you are meant to be. Be honest but gentle with yourself. Read it out loud and then burn the list as a sign of your unburdening yourself of these things.

Make a second list of all the great things you love about who you are and what you do. Use this list to build upon the positive changes you want to create during 2009.

Then take the rest of this month to hone in on your top priorities for change in your life this year. Put them in order of importance to you and under each, list just three ways you can start NOW to make these things come to fruition. Three things. They don't have to be huge. They can be small as long as they move you forward. So if you want to bring more love (or sex or money or truth) in your life, list three ways that you can begin that process. Work on one priority at a time or all at once, depending on your ability to multitask.

Here are a few of my favorite saying that you can adopt to spur you on: Where your mind goes your butt follows. Change your attitude; change your life. Wishing doesn't make it so. Seek Balance, Find Happiness.

What do you think?

What's Your Passion?

Okay, so I'm at a cocktail reception this weekend and find myself eavesdropping on a most interesting discussion taking place next to me between several men about their sex lives. As I reveled in the chance to get into the heads of three overtly sexual men (research, darling), I huddle up as close as I could without knocking anyone over and caught an ear full. What I heard first got me mad and then made me think.

The men were painfully lamenting over the 'fact' that their wives didn't seem to enjoy sex and had zero passion when it come to lovemaking. One even spoke the asinine words aloud that perhaps the reason New York's ex-governor had spent some $80,000 on prostitutes was because the First Lady wasn't putting out. Hmmm...typical. Blame the woman for not meeting yet another of his needs.

This is the part that made me mad. The idea that men cheat because their women aren't sexual enough. Aren't passionate enough. Aren't attentive enough. And yes, there are those women who aren't very sexual or sexual or attentive but the reasons behind their mindset and inattentiveness are vast and varied, many of which we address right here in this blog. And yoo hoo, what about you? Before you pecked her lips and grabbed your woman between the legs did you even think about the fact that women get turned on first in their heads? That it doesn't matter how many times or how quickly you can make a woman come to orgasm that without the mind fuck passion doesn't really come alive for us? But then to blame us for your cheating? That's just wrong and cowardly.

Chronic cheating is more about a man's own identity crisis, insecurities and inability to be the man he wants to be. Like energy attracts like energy. It goes both ways, bud.

That's all the stuff I wanted to say but didn't because I was supposed to be minding my own business.

But then I started thinking (you know we writers never see anything in strictly black or white. It's the shades of gray that are most interesting to us!). There are an awful lot of women out there who aren't passionate about anything let alone sex. Women who believe that passion is something lived only through their sex lives. They have very little passion about things outside the bedroom and then have trouble turning inside.

Think about it. Have you ever asked yourself, "What am I truly passionate about?" I bet that most of you can't identify a true passion in your life beyond your children, and that can be a stretch on some days.

We tend to think of passion in the same erroneous way we think (or thought before you started reading this blog)of sensuality--as some obscure emotion that we pull out of our sexual trick bag and turn on for the delight of our partner. And it's true, one definition of passion is strong sexual desire and excitement. But true passion is about having a sincere zest for life. It's about finding wonder and excitement in all aspects of your life, not just in the bedroom.

Passion is not something someone bestows on you or turns on within you. If it's there, they can turn in up but you're the only one who can actually turn it on. And you can fake it for sure, but why live with fraudulent passion when you can have the awe-inspiring real thing? What fun is that?

Live with passion in all areas of your life and you'll find that between the sheets, it becomes a natural extension of who you truly are--not someone you're trying to be. Learn to live with passion and you'll soon learn that you were never lacking sexual prowess, but rather interest and curiosity in ALL areas of your life.

Living life through your senses is a natural gateway to living with full-on passion. As I've stated many times, when you live with the joyous preoccupation of the wonders all around you, you can't help but become more loving, grateful, appreciative, joyous and yes, passionate. Finding delight in your true nature and taking interest and care of yourself and your appearance will make you feel more confident and interesting, which also ups the big "P" factor.

Get into life. Find joy where you stand. And just watch how much more passionate you become.

What do you think?

"Laughter and Orgasm are Great Bedfellows"

So says John Callahan. And I must concur.

When and why did sex become so dang serious?

In our quest to boink like porn stars, we've lost one of the great pleasures that come with intimate sex--fun! Technique, appearance and the age-old search for multiple orgasms has made sex so goal-oriented and pressure-packed that instead of being the 'freaks' we envision, we've simply freaked ourselves out. Pressure to be the sexual bomb has us faking orgasm and becoming novelty acts instead of authentically sexual, sensual beings.

Loosen up and start having fun again with sex. Be playful. Stop thinking you have to blow his mind everytime you take off your clothes. True, sometimes sex is raw and passionate. Or it can be quick and intense. Or soft and loving. But sex should also be spontaneous and delightful. It should include laughter and joy and not be so serious that you're afraid of making mistakes or not pleasing your lover.

Fun sex leads to adventurous sex. Share your fantasies, take risks, be creative and shake things up a bit. Fun sex is about learning new tricks and experimenting and knowing that failed attempts at experimental acts (okay, maybe that whole sex underwater wasn't such a great idea)should be met with giggles and kisses, not embarrassment and scorn.

Playful sex also strengthens your intimate ties. Taking away the pressure of performance allows you to feel safer and more secure in your relationship, which ultimately allows you to open up and communicate about how you feel and what you want in bed.

As time marches on, great intimacy will ultimately trump great sex, and great intimacy is built upon a foundation of loving delight and joy and laughter, not 'ooh, ooh, baby, let me tap that ass one more again."

So lighten up. Literally, it's not that big a f'ing deal!

Kiss Me, You Fool

Question: How much of a role does kissing play in your sex life?

Kissing is so important. It’s the way we begin our journey into sexuality and it will be the main attraction as we reach the end our our sex lives. Kissing is the most intimate of sex acts but unfortunately, it is the first thing that goes once we discover orgasms, and sex becomes more goal-oriented than intimate. A little forward thinking here: remember, the time will come when your body will lose its ability to be fully sexual but your lips--those lovely, luscious, sexy lips--will never let you down.

And even now in your prime sexual years, kissing helps you maintain a playful intimacy and is always the one thing you can say yes to even when your body, exhausted by child-rearing, work or pre-menstrual bloating, will always be up for.

Even if your kisser hasn't been getting the workout it deserves these past few years, worry not. You can be up to speed in no time. Just keep in mind:

To rediscover kissing, practice hard and often. The key is to start slow and explore. Experiment with pressure and touch not only to see how you like to kiss and be kissed (there's a series of kisses just right for you, Goldilocks!), but also use his mouth and your tongue to instruct him how you like to be kissed elsewhere on your body. This can be quite fun and will be instructive to both of you.

Great kissers know that it’s not about the lips or the technique as much as it is about the origin of a kiss. An amazing kiss comes from the heart and soul. Your mouth is merely the conduit that delivers the message of your mood, emotions and intent. An effective kiss really is like a passionate dance—whether it be a tango, or waltz or salsa—and by translating the music in your head through your lips, you are guaranteed to make your lover’s head spin!

Here's a little sumthin' sumthin' about kissing and being good with your mouth from the book: The Good Sex Guide.

"After the genitals, the lips are the most sensitive part of the body. They're stuffed with nerve endings and can give and receive hours of pleasure. The most obvious use of your mouth (other than eating and talking) is kissing. This popular pastime is used by most cultures as a greeting and sign of affection. But when lovers kiss, it takes on a whole new meaning. When couples first meet, kissing is often intense and provocative. But over time, it's often forgotten. Thankfully, it's something you can easily learn again."

Now from the same book, here are a few kisses to add to your repertoire.

French Kissing. The well-known favorite, where you use your tongue to explore your partner's lips and mouth. Start gently, and as they open up, gradually increase the depth and urgency of your exploration. (My note: Go by your preference. If you don't like deep, keep it shallow and enjoy the tongue play on lips and slightly inside. The 'ice cream cone lick" on closed lips, can be VERY effective.)

Nibble kisses: Very, very gently caress your partner's lips and tongue with little bites--but remember, gently.

Suction kisses, Gently suck on your partner's lower lip or tongue. (This is one of my favorites and can be VERY sexy without being messy.)

Chicken kisses: Gently peck your lover over and over again with tiny kisses.

Teasing kisses: Gently and teasingly kiss your partner on the cheeks, chin, eyelids, nose--in fact anywhere but the mouth. It will be only a matter of time before they pull you to their lips."

Might I add, don't forget that the entire body is covered with skin--your most sensitive body organ. So the combination of lips on skin, where ever it is, is a lovely So go forth and KISS. If you are able, spend this evening simply kissing, and just like when you were a teenager, do not allow yourself to go any further than lip to lip. Enjoy!

Just How Do You Let Your Bad Girl Loose?

There was a comment left on the blog entry about letting your bad girl come out and play. The reader thought it was a great idea but wanted to know, "how?"

My immediate answer is to redefine in your head what it means to be a 'bad". After all, who defined what a bad girl is or does anyway? If it wasn't you, the whole subject deserves a second thought.

Free yourself from the boundaries that the expectations of others have placed on you. It's time to OWN your sexuality and stop being afraid of it and what you 'think' it means to be sexually liberated.

If words are going to rule your world, maybe if you thought of it as putting a little naughty with your nice, you'd feel more comfortable. And I know it's getting close to Christmas and all but I'm sure your Santa Baby would definitely approve!

Here's an excerpt from a great book, The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex.

"Life is too short to waste being good. It's time for you to learn to enjoy what all the Bad Girls know.

"Bad Girls have no shame. What does that mean? It means that they are proud of who they are and what they feel. They love being bad and they have no interest in hiding that. Bad girls are not ashamed to feel desire. They are not ashamed to admit their desire or act on it.

"Bad Girls announce their intentions. They announce them with the way they walk, the way they talk, and the way they dress and undress. They announce their intentions when they stand up, when they sit down, when they eat, and when they smile. What are a Bad Girl's intentions: To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully alive with herself and her sexual partner. Clear, powerful, to the point and very, very Bad. Yet they express this in a way that is never cheap, never trashy, never tawdry. Bad Girls feel sexy and fabulous and desirable. They don't need to be "good"; they love how it feels being bad.

"Let's look at those intentions again: "To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully sexually alive with her sexual partner." What are you thinking to yourself right now? Are you thinking, "I have the same intentions?" I think you are, and I hope you are, yet there is a world of difference between having those intentions and living those intentions out loud. Bad Girls live out loud. That's what sets them apart. Don't let that discourage you. Turn yours up just a little at first, and then a little bit more every time as you get increasingly comfortable."

Live Out Loud.

What do you think?