5 Myths About Sex After 50

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Thigh Highs and Other Self-Starters

It's amazing how having a fifteen year old daughter who is on the cusp of discovering her own sensuality/sexuality makes you step back and take a look at your own. It's also amazing how so much of these discussions begin because the girl is once again pilfering in your damn closet.

Okay, so I'm downstairs in my office writing and from above I hear, "Mom, just how many thigh high pairs of boots do you own?"

Damn! Why can't this girl stay out of my stuff? If I find one more post-it stuck to something saying, 'Sorry, I'll get this fixed' or 'I'll get you a new one,' my son is going to be an only child, but that's a different post.

So I take the stairs two at a time, not an easy feat on a spiral staircase, but the need for speed is great because frankly, tall boots make great storage space for other things, (if you know what I mean) and I'm just not in the mood to tackle a discussion on things that go buzz in the night. I get to my closet and thank goodness, she's not ventured into the trying on stage.

"Why are you in my closet?"

"Why do you need three pairs of *thigh high boots? You're old."

I wanted to tell her to kiss my loving ass, but I don't because apparently you aren't suppose to say those kind of things to your children, but I damn sure screamed in my head--hard and loud. I didn't bother to tell her that I've had some of those boots nearly as long as I've had her because that only seemed to go to her 'you're old' argument. Nor did I tell her that at 50, I too had begun to question whether I was too old to wear such fashion, but that after seeing style expert Lloyd Boston's appropriately fabulous mother (I interviewed him for a magazine article and she was there)who well into her sixties was rocking some thigh high suede boots, I knew I could still hang.

So I told her the truth, "Because I like them."

Apparently after she was denied access to them and any other pair of my shoes (I'm still waiting for her to have the heels fixed on one of my favorite pair that she broke while practicing her America's Next Top Model stroll) she lost interest and went back to her world, leaving me in my closet trying on my old friends.

My legs and feet are my other best features. Yeah, boobs,legs and feet. (It's all the other stuff in between that gets a little shaky, but I digress.) So as every WMS should do, I tend to wear things that play them up. My skirts hit me in the right place, usually 1 to 3 inches from the knee and I always wear heels, which make them look longer give them nice definition.

And one day I discovered thigh high stockings. As with most things, I stumbled on the stockings and their sex appeal. Years ago, I decided to try them because I absolutely hate pantyhose. They are constricting and they always add another roll around my middle--the last thing my six pack abs(of jello) needed. So fast forward, I put them on with a cocktail dress and at one point in the evening my skirt flipped revealing the top of the stocking. Let's just say my husband's reaction was telling...and I liked it. They brought out my bad girl and made me feel daring and bold AND they solved my pantyhose issue. SEXY and COMFORTABLE...an awesome combination!

Well, natch, the boots followed. They cause the same reaction and the wonderful thing is they do so with whatever I am wearing. Whether I wear the flat pair with a tunic and leggings or the heels with the tops hiding under my skirt hem only to reveal a little skin when I sit, I get a positive reaction and that makes me feel great. But it really doesn't matter if nobody notices because I do and act accordingly.

So the moral of this story is: Find what makes you feel good and daring and sexy and rock it. But don't necessarily LOOK for them, sometimes the best things FIND you. Be in tune with yourself and recognize when something flips the switch and then own the look and work it. And it doesn't have to be anything overtly sexy, just something that is sexy to you. This way they become authentic props to your sensual self and not something you put on (come on, say it with me now) you want to PLAY sexy.

Oh, and the other truth to this story: Don't let any young thing, even if she does belong to you, question your feminine confidence. Remember: they may have the shiny and new equipment, but don't have the slightest idea what to do with it. It's the seasoning that comes with a little wear and tear that really makes a woman sexy--even if she can tuck her boobs in her thigh high boots!

What do you think?

Remember the Lessons

This is a tough day for me and my family. My husband was a former employee of Cantor Fitzgerald, one of the companies hardest hit in the 9-11 attack. My brother was stationed at the Pentagon at that time. Gratefully, both of my loved ones were spared, but that day we lost so many friends who throughout the years had expanded the quality of our lives with their own.

So every year I light a candle and sit and watch the memorial waiting for their names to be called and remember the things about them that make me smile and inspire me. I'm grateful for each of their legacies because they remind me of the lessons I learned from this horrible time and have carried with me since. They are are simple but profound:

1) Life is too short to waste it worry about what other people think of me or think I should do with my life.

2) Declaring and showing my love is more important than simply feeling it.

3) Appreciation and gratitude for what I already have trumps the regret for what I don't.

4) Desire for something different is the mark of growth not selfishness.

5) Living and being alive are two very different things.

6) Settling is not an option.

What lessons did you learn? It's not too late to recognize and incorporate them into your life. Turn this tragedy into a positive learning experience and bless the men, women and children who perished that day. Thank them for helping you understand that life is meant to be lived and the time to start is now. And then do just that. Live.

Unearthing Your Sensual Man

For those of us women who have discovered the power and pleasure of living sensuously, trying to enroll our families, particularly our men, into the lifestyle can be a challenge. Most of us would argue that the men in our lives, while great, are not necessarily the sensitive, let-me-stop-and-sniff-the-flowers types. But not so fast.

It is amazing how often we are wrong about what men do and don’t like. And while it’s true you may not get him to walk with you and be awed to tears by the natural beauty that surrounds him, don’t think for a moment that men, no matter how macho, don’t appreciate the experience of living sensually. I emphasize the word ‘experience’ because conceptually, sensuality is not on the conscious radar of the vast majority of men. But you’d be hard pressed to find one that won’t enjoy it when he’s in the midst of your sensual world.

In other words, in order to unearth your sensual man, you may first have to bring the pleasure of sensuous living to him and not be concerned that initially he may not even realize what’s happening. But believe me, before long most of you will see little changes taking place that indicate his transformation.

As pointed out previously, living through your five senses is all about pleasure. Here are a few ideas to help you enroll your family into your sensual world.

1. Turn your environment into a sensual wonderland. If you can’t work on your entire home, start with your bedroom and make it an oasis for relaxation, pleasure and passion. Your makeover can be as simple or as elaborate as you can afford, but even with only a few changes, you can make it a space where your man and his senses are tantalized and seduced. Keep four out of your five senses in mind (taste in this instance has only to do with style, but make sure that his tastes are included!).

2. Savor mealtime. At least once a week, treat yourself and your mate to some sensual dining. Make your meals scrumptious by incorporating assorted textures and tastes, and serve them in a visually pleasing manner. Candles, flowers, and table linens go a long way in helping to make meals more a true dining experience. Take the time to taste and enjoy every bite as you savor your meal and the company of your loved ones. And when possible, include him in the cooking process. Don't just make him your sous chef for the sake of the extra kitchen help--taste and tantalize while cooking up the idea of 'dessert' while you're working--if you know what I mean!

3. Be in the moment and draw him into it with you. As you witness and savor the sensual world around you, share your discoveries and delights with your husband. Happiness and gratitude are contagious. Let him see the new enthusiasm for the beauty of life as you find it and before you know it, he’ll be noticing a few things on his own.

What do you think?

August Poll Result...I Am Fine as I Am

Here are your poll results for the month of August. I'm happy to report that you all are some awesomely secure women.

11% of you said you'd rather be sexy than smart.

6% of you said you'd rather be rich rather than be in love.

16% of you said you'd rather be happy than beautiful.

4% of you said you'd rather be a man eater than a wife

60% of you said you were fine just as you were.

As I am so fond of saying, being yourself can never be wrong, and the majority of you are on your way to working YOU to the ultimate.

Survey on Size

I'm still on vacation but this caught my eye and I wanted to share this survey with you. More proof that we put so much pressure on ourselves to be what we THINK men want, when the reality is so much different.

BY Lux Alptraum


Women are taught from an early age that being skinny is the way to be. Thin is in, skinny is attractive — and having that hot, fashionable body will always get you the boys. Right?

Well, maybe not. The UK’s Fabulous Mag recently conducted a “Fabulous Body Survey,” asking (presumably heterosexual) men and women about their ideal female body type. While the women stated a preference for a body around size 8 (US size 6), men were more interested in a slightly curvier size 12 (US size 10). Granted, both “ideal” bodies come in smaller than the average UK woman (who’s apparently a size 16 (US size 14)) — but at least this provides a little (more) proof that fashion magazines don’t always know what’s up.

Hot Fun in the Summertime: Sexcations

As we wind down the dog days of summer, I thought I'd do a few posts on summer lovin', just to help you make the end of summer a sizzler. Today we're talking about taking a sexcation.

A WMS sexcation is a variation on the currently very popular staycation. These days with skyrocketing fuel costs and tight family budgets, vacation plans have fallen to the wayside for many of us. This is such a shame because one great reason to go on vacation is because you'll have better sex than you would at home. Seriously.
It's been scientifically proven!

According to research from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction, the reason couples don't have a lot of sex at home is because in our normal lives, we get stressed out. And anxiety doesn't exactly put us in the mood (this is especially true for women). On the other hand, when you're in a good mood, you're more likely to be frisky.

Think about it. How often do you have sex when you're at home? What about when you're on vacation? And when is the last time you and your beloved spent the day/weekend in bed simply being lovers ? Pushing aside your relationship roles and simply enjoying the carnal pleasure of being with each other.
The kids are in camp or off to grandma's...it's time for you to treat each other to a little sexcation.

You need not go far, but if possible, try to take it out of the house. Check into local hotel with the intent of seeing very little of it besides the room, except maybe the pool. A flirtatious frolic in the pool is a great break that will help keep you in the mood.

A few suggestions:

1) Pick a hotel within your budget, preferably one that has room service. Many hotels offer romance packages that include champagne, chocolates and other amenities that literally help give you a little more bang for your buck. If you choose to stay at home, make sure you create an environment conducive to romance. Clean it, spritz it, make it a sensual wonderland for your weekend, and stock the cupboards with easy eats that can become part of the sexcation experience.

2) Just like any vacation, prepare accordingly. Days before your escapde, refrain from having actual sex but definitely keep sex on the brain. Flirt, tease, kiss, self-pleasure. This is a perfect time to create your sexipe box (see August flirt tip)and will give you some sightseeing activities to look forward to! This also makes it clear that this is a vacation built on mutual pleasure.

3) Pack light, this is definitely a clothing optional vacation. Bring with you anything that you find comfortable and makes you feel sexy and desirable, and most importantly, bring a fun and spontaneous attitude. Pack up your sensual trick bag...candles (best that you bring votives where the flame is low so you don't risk starting a fire), massage oils, sexy music (think about including one of those ocean soundtracks, great for creating a island mood), maybe a little bedtime reading.

4) A sexcation is a perfect opportunity to reconnect on an intimate level but don't ruin it by having unrealistic sexpectations. Like I've said before, anticipate everything but expect nothing. Don't put pressure on yourself to put on some kind of porn star performance this vacation, but rather look at this like you would any themed vacation...an opportunity to explore and learn, to relax and be spontaneous, to laugh and enjoy each other, to rediscover each other in a pleasurable environment.

What do you think?

July Poll Results

The poll question for July was: What makes Angelina Jolie so hot? Here are the results.

15% of you say it's because she's beautiful.

2% of you say it's because she's benevolent.

10% of you say it's because she's bold.

44% of you say it's because she's all of the above.

34% of you say who says she's hot?


I do have to say that I am in the majority camp. I find myself fascinated by Angelina for a myriad of reasons. I think, however, if I had to nail it down to one, I think ultimately it's her boldness. Check out my blog entry on being scandalous (August 6, 2007) and you'll understand my point of view.

Whether you love her or are part of the 34% who don't get what all the hype is about, take a minute to interview yourself about what exactly about her that attracts or repels you. I think you'll find that she, like other women who you admire or love to hate, spotlight the qualities within yourself that you possess but do not yet own.

What do you think?

Ten Aphrodisiacs

Do you want to look hot, feel hot? Do you feel the need for an aphrodisiac? Wikipedia.com defines an aphrodisiac as an “agent which is used in the belief that it increases sexual desire”.

The term was derived from the name of the Greek goddess of sensuality: Aphrodite. Basically, the role of an aphrodisiac is to make sex mor attainable and pleasurable. According to experts, however, there is no such thing as a true aphrodisiac.

But who cares? Whether or not there’s a medical basis that there are foods which actually help to increase your sexual desire (physically or mentally), we shouldn’t take the fun out of choosing aphrodisiacs which have a positively orgasmic effect!

The keywords for our top 10 aphrodisiac picks are sexual awakening, sensual pleasures, glands stimulator, and senses-teaser. Here goes:

10. Whipped Cream

I know, I know… there’s no medical evidence that whipped cream is an aphrodisiac which increases your libido. But just think of all the ‘naughty’ places where you can lick whipped cream off it certainly will get you hot!

9. Chocolate

Whether it is the melted variety or the deep, dark chocolate gorging on these sumptuous treats would surely heat things up in bed. Chocolate provides a quick boost of energy, especially for women who produce four times as many endorphins after eating chocolate as compared to the endorphins that they produce after a mind boggling kiss!

8. Oysters

This is a given oysters physically resemble the female organ, which is probably why some men find them so visually stimulating. Also, oysters are high in zinc so they help improve your lover’s sexual potency. Good, huh?

7. Celery

Celery contains a male hormone called androsterone which in turn arouses women’s sexuality. It has been liberally used by ancient Romans in their cooking as an aphrodisiac.

6. Banana

There’s more to a banana being an aphrodisiac than its phallic shape. This fruit contains bromelain which stimulates a man’s libido.

5. Peaches

The appearance of plump, juicy and mouth-watering peaches already provides a highly sexual image. Aside from that, these luscious fruits have vitamin A which in turn produces healthy, touchable skin - the largest erogenous zone in the human body!

4. Shrimps or Fillet Mignon

This is basically for all the men out there who want to improve their staying power in bed. Shrimps or prawns actually increase their sperm level and leads to more powerful orgasms. Fillet mignon, on the other hand, is high in protein which helps increase your ‘alertness and assertiveness’ in bed.

3. Ginseng

The component which helps Ginseng increase your energy, vitality and sexual enjoyment is ginsenoside. Look for energy drinks with Ginseng to help perk you up right before tangling the sheets.

2. Caviar

Treat yourself and your lover to a hot night of love with caviar. Eggs are a symbol of fertility - and caviar is packed with 47 vitamins and minerals to produce all the energy that you need in bed.

1. Red Wine

What better way to end our list that with a celebratory toast of red wine? Not only is red wine good for the heart - it’s also rich in resveratrol, a form of antioxidant which increases estrogen production. The result? Heightened sexual appetite.

Just make sure to slowly sip your wine and not drink it too fast (it can lead to drowsiness, which will ruin your night!). Licking it off in erogenous body parts is a great idea, too. =)

Some ‘Weird’ Aphrodisiacs which Deserve an Honorable Mention:

• Asparagus
• Devil’s Soup
• Maca
• Muira Puama
• Rhino Horn
• Spanish Fly
• Yohimbine
• Turtle Eggs
• Tribulus
• Truffles

What are you waiting for? Shop now and stock up on these aphrodisiac foods. Add in some scented candles, sensual oils and you’re ready for one sizzling night with that special man in your life!

This article comes from the site www.allwomenstalk.com

Q & A When To Trust My Nagging Voice

Q: Lori, 13 years ago I dated an up & coming politician, who I really liked, but the sex between us was awkward and stiff. He ended the relationship because he was "not ready for a family. Recently, he tracked me down through my mom, saying he regrets what happened. Long story short, we spent five days in Miami and had some of the absolutely best sex of my life--tantric, intense intimacy, hours of kissing. I felt so alive and vibrant.

Here's the issue: He is not available. He is separated from his wife, but I don't detect that it is over for them. Anyway, he seems quite smitten and would like to maintain contact. I am thinking that our week in Miami was my attempt to show him exactly what he walked away from, but I am still intrigued and very excited.

What think you???...throw caution to the wind, go with my feelings and allow the relationship to unfold? My nagging voice is saying I really just wanted revenge so should just walk away.

A: Wow! Sounds like you had a hot time in Miami! I'm thrilled that you are still feeling solidly sensual and owning yourself like never before.

I always say go with your intuition. I'm wondering if the thrill you are feeling is more about you really test driving the new, more confident Bella than a potential relationship. Was the sex amazing because you are now free to enjoy it on your own terms or because it was with him? My bet is that at this point, it is the former not the latter.

If your inner voice is actually nagging, it's guiding you towards truth. Let it go. Carry that scandalous feeling with you and keep yourself open to meeting a man who is available. And guess what? You have the right, and the obligation to yourself, to let him know that you don't play seconds. If he really is smitten, he'll get things straight at home (for himself not you) and approach you again able to discover and explore.

In full disclosure, Bella, is a former Stiletto U student.

Follow Up to Smart and Sexy

This was a comment about my last blog, left by "Analytical Annie"

"Interesting and timely comments I am curious and would love to know more about the comment below.

"Fall back on your good girl and let her innocence be your ticket to the smart and sexy new you. I don't know a man alive who can resist the request that he be the one to turn you out."

Why is it that "no man alive can resist"? What is it about innocence that men can't resist? Given that so much emphasis is placed on being experienced this is curious.

Well, 'Annie', thanks for the comment and here is my follow up.

First, don't confuse the word 'innocence' with 'disinterest','insecurity' or 'fear'. Just because a girl (and I mean a girl at any age) has a virtuous patina about her, does not mean that she still isn't curious, adventurous, eager and willing to add a few new moves to her sexual repertoire.

Secondly, don't let yourself be fooled by the societal emphasis placed on being experienced. True, we are no longer living in times where a man expects to marry a virgin, at the same time, times haven't changed that much that men are looking for a, hmmm, how can I put this, a girl with a headboard full of notches going for her. Yes, I will concede the point that most men want a seasoned woman, but seasoned does not mean sauteed, flipped, rolled, baked and fried!!

Based on my research, what men value more than experience is passion, energy, and confidence. Passion reserved for him. Passion that lets him know that there is no other man you could possibly desire at this particular moment. Energy displayed that lets him know that you are enjoying yourself being with him and that he is pleasing you. And the confidence to let him know what you like and dislike (so he can please you) as well as confidence in your own appearance and performance.

Women are so wrong thinking that all men are looking for porn star lovers. Now, don't get me wrong, most certainly would love to have the opportunity to experience such a night, but guess what? In the long run most are not interested in a long-term relationship with one. And don't ever underestimate a man's performance anxieties, despite whatever bravado they emit. The idea of having to please Nympho Nadine on the regular can be off putting to the common man!

And to go back the questions asked, there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting to your lover that there is something you don't know or want to be better at when it comes to your sexual performance. When you combine your lovely innocent good girl, with a little bad girl tutoring from your man, naughty can be awfully nice!

What do you think?

Q & A : I'm Very Smart...Sexy Not So Much

Thanks for all of your questions. I've decided to make July Q & A month. My goal is to make this blog not only entertaining but helpful, so please keep the questions and comments coming.

Here are two similar queries sent to me this week. I have taken my thoughts and combined them into one answer.

Q1: I'm intellectually sexy. Translation: I'm sexy only in my own head. Men appreciate my smarts but seem to be more intimidated than turned on. How do I turn my sexy thoughts into action without being a dummy? B from Maryland

Q2: Lori, I need help! I'm a control freak. When I'm in a relationship I have to control everything from what we do on a date to how we have sex. At first the men seem to like it but then the inevitable happens--they leave and I'm alone--again. Why am I like this and what can I do to change? S from Georgia

When you peel back the layers, my guess is that you both are dealing with the same issue--insecurity about your own, as Kimora Lee Simmons coined it, "fabulosity." When your confidence level is low in any area, there is a tendency to hide behind whatever you can, in this case intellect or to the need to dictate things so life works to your strengths and your weaknesses rarely have a chance to fail you.

But ultimately you come to the realization that neither hiding nor controlling work in the long run. The only way to effectively move through this limiting behavior is to gently deal with them head-on with self-love. So to both of you, I offer this advice.

Be the student. B, anyone as smart as you and who has used her intelligence as her calling card, admitting you DON'T know or CAN'T figure something out is maddening, especially when it comes to sex. You're right to not want to dumb your beautiful self down, but now you are realizing that brains are only part of your sexy package, and that any woman with a brain knows how to make her smarts work for her.

Part of being truly intelligent is knowing when to let go of the leadership position and assume the student/follower role for a minute. By doing this, you let go of the pressure of having to know everything, and get to explore without boundaries. Fall back on your good girl and let her innocence be your ticket to the smart and sexy new you. I don't know a man alive who can resist the request that he be the one to turn you out.

And when it comes to sex, remember you can't paint on a coat of freaky sex goddess. It has to be genuine and come from within. Sex is as individual as the people that have it. Some days it will be hot and horny, other times it will be silly and fun or loving and romantic. Don't intellectualize it. Just go with the flow and enjoy it all.

This same advice goes for you, S. The need to control comes down to fear and in many cases, it's being fearful of losing your power. When you are in control you feel powerful, but power by domination is way different than being truly empowered.

I'd ask you to first, eliminate the words 'failure' and 'expectation' from your vocabulary. When you are afraid to fail, you are too often afraid to try. And when you try to control a person or situation with expectations of how things must go, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. When you expect a situation, event, or confrontation to unfold in a certain way, it becomes more difficult to enjoy the lovely surprises and self-knowledge that are sure to appear if you're open to receiving them.

And then, I'd suggest to you that by honoring the needs, desires, and imperfections of the people in your life, you give them the freedom to be themselves. Shouldn't you honor yourself in the same way? Give up the need to control everything and everyone around you and see how much lighter, happier and smarter you'll become.

And as we've already determined--smart is sexy and so is flexibility!

Hope this helps. Keep the questions coming!

Got Questions?

Hi again,

If you have any questions or comments you'd like me to address on this blog, please send them to mass.seduction@yahoo.com
Any thoughts about sexuality, sensuality, romance and relationships are welcome.

Happy Fourth of July

Hi All,

I have to take a little break. My computer crashed AGAIN!! I just got a new hard drive installed yesterday and I'm trying to gather and restore all my documents that I've lost. Luckily, this time I have my big projects safe on a flash drive, but there still various programs missing etc. etc.

So have a great Fourth of July, do something patriotic to show your gratitude for this great country and especially for our troops. Then do something crazy to show off your independent side. You know, the side that's free of what other people think.

Have fun. Make some fireworks of your own and I'll be back hopefully next week.

Change is Good

Last month the poll question was when was the last time you updated your look. Here's what you had to say:

52% have changed their look in the last 6-12 months.

28% have updated their appearance in the past 1-4 years.

8% have gotten a new coif or wardrobe in the past 5-8 years.

12% have not updated their look in ten or more years.

It's great to see that the majority of you embrace change and invite it into your life. It's so very easy to get in a rut and let the familiar begin to rule our lives. The familiar is a known entity. It's comfortable. Familiar is easy and safe. It's what we know, and for the most part has worked for years.

But the familiar can also be stale. And boring. And a great place to hide. And often what had been working for years no longer does, but it's part of our comfort zone and we'd rather hang on to what we know than risk something we don't.

Keeping things the same keeps us from taking chances and venturing out and finding out just how amazing the world is and what an incredible women we have the potential to become.

I am a true believer in periodic makeovers. Just like there is a necessity for attitude readjustments every now and again (change your attitude, change your life) every woman needs to undergo a style makeover every now and again.

Your outer appearance is your calling card to the world and should reflect your most current, inner self. If it doesn't, you should ask yourself why. Do the two not match because you're hiding what's inside for fear of rejection or do you not know the femme within and simply allow the dated woman in the mirror dictate your first impression?

Our faces and figures change as time tiptoes on. What flattered the former you years ago probably doesn't do justice to the present you. If you haven't changed your look in years, it's time for an update.

Here are a few makeover tips.

1) Scroll down and reread the posts for finding your sensual signatures (January 8, 2007). These five signatures will help insure that your finished makeover is authentically you and not based on some celebrity ideal or fashion trend.

2) Decide what you want. Wanting to look better is too general and can easily become an exercise in frustration. Break down your makeover goals into doable steps so you can prioritize your transformation and make it a happier, more manageable task.

3) Start with the fast four: Hair, makeup, teeth whitening and posture. These are generally budget-friendly items and the results are quick and encouraging. Start with these so you already feel fresh and fabulous as you work on other more time consuming or costly things like diet and wardrobe.

Before you hit the salon, have an idea of what your looking to achieve. Look at photos of celebrities with similar shaped faces or go to sites like Instyle magazine virtual makeover and upload your photo and try on several hairstyles.

MAC stores and other cosmetic companies do complimentary in store makeovers. Let them show you a new, contemporary color palette to flatter your skin tone and bring out your most amazing facial feature.

Crest Whitestrips are a cost-effective way to get your smile bright and ready to showcase with a new lip color. Of course, a bleached smile does not replace healthy gums and teeth. See your dentist on the regular and brush and floss in between!

Want to look like you've lost ten pounds? Stand up straight. Practice standing tall with your shoulders back and your stomach pulled in. You'll be amazed at the instant lift to both your body and your self-esteem. It takes a while to train your core muscles so when you feel yourself slouching, remind yourself to stand up straight and smile!

Change is growth, and isn't that our ultimate job in life? So go...grow into a stunning new you.

What do you think?

Is This What Nike Had in Mind?

Could you have sex 101 days in a row?

If you did, you could write a book about it and run the talk show circuit. Except that one couple beat you to the punch. Spurred by the "100 days" club, whose membership welcomes couples who've gone more than 100 lonely days without connecting physically, Douglas and Annie Brown decided to try a different position. They had sex every day for 101 days and wrote the book to consummate it. What's even more remarkable is that it was her suggestion, not his (it's his name on the book, though). One has to wonder on how many of those nights the deed felt more like a burden than a relaxing romp (an intimate connection with a book deal and its mistress, fame?), but the couple insists that they learned how to make caring for each other a priority, even beyond sex. They also found out "You couldn't do this the rest of your life. It was exhausting." But somewhere between a hundred days of solitude and 101 days of sex lies the perfect balance and the moral of the story: put your sweetie on your "to do" list and make your relationship a priority.

This article by Caroline Humphries definitely caught my eye. WOW! 101 days straight.

Again I say, WOW!

Reading it made me think back to when I was trying to conceive my first child. At first it was thrilling and exciting and then it felt a lot more like sex-on-demand, which felt more like work than pleasure. I mean, do you really enjoy it when it becomes a job? I guess the answer is yes, if having sex is your job. But for us everyday sensualists, well I think 101 of days of straight sex could lead to the next 264 being straight up celibate!

I come down on the side of too much of a good thing can just simply be too much. The whole quality vs quantity argument begins to make a lot of sense right about now. I do however agree with the idea of putting your sweetie, and yourself, on your "to do" list and giving your relationship high priority.

So maybe not sex by it's usual definition, but 101, hell 365, days of affection and smiles shared between the two of you is a good thing. And makes the days you do have sex all the sweeter.

What do you think?

Keep Your Baby a Butterfly

Our five senses are as much a gift as our intellect and intuition, but like intuition, taking time to understand and enjoy them is often the first thing we eliminate in our quest to become civilized, cultured, efficient and productive human beings.

From birth to around age five or six, there is nothing we surround our little ones with that isn’t designed and intended to stimulate every one of their senses with tastes, scents, and textures that are varied and appealing. With great intent, we buy things that feel good to the skin, look interesting to the eye, smell pleasant, taste appealing, and sound soothing. From the very beginning we wrap our children in a loving, sensual cocoon in an attempt to make their young lives pleasurable and happy.

And then, somewhere around six or seven, we rip away the cocoon and quickly turn our sensual butterflies into busy bees. This happens around the same time their lives become a series of scheduled events just like ours and time is of the essence. Nothing is done for sheer pleasure anymore, we must now accomplish something. There simply isn’t time to flit and meander sensuously. Can’t stop to smell the flowers anymore. Our kids, just like us, have places to go and people to see and play dates to attend. Long, playful tub time is replaced by quick bird baths and showers. High-chair food fests become car seat meals in an effort to get to Gymboree on time. Music becomes a mere tool to pass the time or to beckon the Sandman. Visual stimulation now comes in the form of learning. Sensory delight is replaced by academic pursuit.

Around the same age something else happens to strip our children of their God-given gift of sensuality. They discover self-pleasuring, we begin to associate sensuality with sexuality and things change drastically. Suddenly, sensuality is discouraged and becomes something ‘adult-like,” something we pull out of our trick bags when we want to spice up our sex lives.

Think about this scenario for a moment. You walk into your seven-year-old daughter’s room one morning and find the pajamas she had on when she went to bed are on the floor and she is sleeping happily nude. ‘Why?’ you ask. ‘Because the sheets feel good on my skin,’ she says.

Raise your hand if you would be shocked and bothered and insist that she sleep with pajamas so she wouldn’t catch cold or some other concocted reason? Would you feel any different if it was your son instead?

Now ask yourself: Why is sensuality considered a birthright, an imperative in infancy and the toddler years and then snatched away before puberty?

Give your kids back their cocoon. Teach them to revel in their sensuous world and see the amazing impact it has on their capacity to enjoy life now and later.

What do you think?

Sex in the City and Me

Yes, darlings, I've been lax about my blogging. And I did have such good intentions to blog up until my milestone birthday, but damn it, BIG FUN got in the way! So here's the another item on my gratitude list.

To recap: #1 is LOVE. #2 is PASSION and #3 is...

# 3 Great Women Friends

I have great and eclectic group of amazing and oh-so-very real friends. Some are earth mothers, others divas. Some are intellectual heavyweights, others creative geniuses. Some are sexually assertive and out there, others are conservative and modest. But all, in their own way, are some of the most giving, beautiful people you will ever meet.

You know, we are a lot like those girls on Sex in the City (have you heard, they have a new movie coming out!), a family of females who love, support and empower each other to be the best women we can be, all the while acknowledging and reveling in our own personal quirks and issues. I call them my 'soul' sisters. And as I always say in my workshops, men teach us to be good at what we DO, women teach us to be good at who we ARE, and our Soul Sisters teach us to combine both and OWN ourselves. My soul patrol has definitely taught me to do me.

Being friends with women can be a really difficult task. We are taught from early on that women are the enemy. We get thrown into that crabs in a barrel mentality very early and the idea that only one queen crab is allowed to claw her way to the top, cements the idea in our heads that women are our competitors and there for can not be our friends. We look at each other with envious eyes and instead of understanding that the fabulous things we are drawn to (or envy) in other women are usually aspects of ourselves that we have yet to acknowledge, we label them bitches and try to build ourselves up by tearing them down.

Player haters inhabit the worlds of many women out there, but gratefully, not mine.

Like Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha, my friends and I are a vast and variety group of personalities with different body types, talents, sexual appetites, religious outlooks and personal styles. And like the SITC girls, we allow and encourage each other to be fully expressed and individually empowered. I have been fortunate to draw into my life women of various ages and races who have and still do, love me, nurture me, respect me and most importantly are brutally honest with me when need be. They are lovely women who always have a compliment at the ready but just as quick will tell me what I need to hear, not just what I want to hear. And most allow and expect me to do the same.

They revel in my accomplishments, cry with me through the disappointments. They blow me away with their insights and buoy me up with their love. They are a reflection of me and I most definitely am a composite reflection of all of their amazing tricks and traits that I have first admired and then stolen and added to my own repertoire--all with their blessings.

My Stiletto U students are women who attend the workshops ask me all the time, "How did you get like this?" The answer is simple, because I learned a long time ago that birds of a feather, do indeed flock together and the chickadees that feather my nest are some red hot, awesome women who believe as I do that 'you be you and I'll be me and together we'll own our little corner of the world!!

What do you think?

Proof is in the Passion

My gratitude list towards my Countdown to Fifty continues.

#2 Passion

I recognize that I blogged about the importance of having passion for something outside of your bedroom if you wanted to bring it inside, but while in this most recent self-reflection mode, I've been able to really see how my passion for writing has impacted and informed every nook and cranny of my current life--including my thoughts and actions on sex and sensuality.

I am so lucky that I discovered my intimate connection with reading and writing early in my life. I have always loved words. Starting with Dr. Suess I devoured books of all lengths and all genres. Reading for me wasn't just a hobby but a refuge. I know this sounds cliche but books became my window on the world beyond the hedged suburbs I grew up in. They fueled my imagination, piqued my curiosity and kick-started my interest in writing. Words became my cupid and my warrior king. I complimented friends and insulted foes, seduced lovers and influenced bosses with my pen.

I went to college and majored in journalism. After I graduated I started working in the broadcast industry. Every job I held required writing. Whether writing promotional spots, press releases, sales presentations, television shows, speeches for the late Peter Jennings or now writing novels, I was/am working my passion.

Most importantly, doing something I loved kept me working to improve. And the more I improved the more confident I became not only in my writing but in myself. And as I got better my dreams got bigger and the obstacles higher. But trying to achieve my passion helped push me forward when lots of things conspired to hold me back. But passion gives you courage and boldness that you can draw on when you need to. Passion gives you the edge because it makes you give a damn. And when you are caring you are daring. You may fall but that desire picks you back up to try again. Rejection becomes a mere bump in the road instead of a journey ending roadblock.

Up until a few years ago, I would tell you that writing was my passion. But while getting comfortable with myself as a woman in her forties and working on my second novel, Hitts & Mrs., I realized a subtle shift. I recognized that my true passion was the search for truth, mainly my individual truth, but also exploring topics that blew the dust off of what I came think of as man made truths. I also learned that my passion had grown to helping women empower themselves by first introducing universal truths into my work to help guide them to their own truth. Writing is now the tool I used to realize my passion.

These two passions are all wrapped up into who I am now at fifty. The search for truth has me turning all kinds of topics and issues upside down to inspect, explore, try on and figure out. And the more I learn about myself, the more comfortable I am just being me and that has given me a fearlessness I never had in my younger days. They have fueled other passions like traveling, cruising, teaching, sensual living and hazelnut gelato, which continue to broaden my horizons and help to stretch and grow me.

My kids are nearly grown now but as children, I always encouraged them to seek out explore their passions. I drilled into them that one of the best things that could happen to them in life was to work their passions. To see the world, make money and support themselves doing what they loved. This has been one of the few lessons I've taught that I can actually see has stuck (I tried to teach them to have a passion for picking up after themselves. One look at their rooms and you'll see how that turned out!)

So, I am thoroughly grateful for having a passion that I have enjoyed and that has helped define my life and my place in this world.

It's never too late to isolate your passion. It can be anything from gardening to cooking to traveling. Find it. Work it. Love it. And watch how it changes you.

What do you think?

Lucky in Love

Okay, I'm back. I was away for the weekend doing a couple of book events and had a chance to get my head back on straight. Whew...thank God for the love of friends.

Before I begin this reflective set of blogs, let me explain why I decided to do this list. First, I think writing down the things that you are grateful for every now and again helps you realize how much you actually have versus how much you think you lack. Secondly, as I travel around the country talking about my book and the issues of sensuality and sexuality people ask me all the time, "How did you get like this?" I decided that this was a perfect time to look into the things that have shape and molded me and my thoughts and actions.

So this brings me to the first (well technically second if you count the whining) item my Countdown to Fifty list that has shaped and molded me into the woman (dare I say fabulous without sounding like an egotistical diva) I am today.

#1 Love.

I have been so lucky in love my entire life. It began with my amazing family, particularly my parents who love me unconditionally and raised me with a strong sense of self. They gave me the confidence and permission to think for myself, make my own decisions and then loved me through the results--regardless of whether those decisions turned out to be achievements or mistakes.

I've been lucky in romantic love beginning with the first love of my life and lover, RJ. I hope my daughter is as blessed with such a first love. We were juniors in high school when we first got together and stayed together through our sophomore year in college. He was a funny, endearing, nurturing, smart and loving boyfriend. He was a considerate, tender, romantic, patient, adventurous first lover. He set the tone for my views on committed relationships and sex. And he broke my heart, simply by growing up and moving on, but he'd left his imprint on my life.

RJ continued the lessons that my parents had begun. He taught me that I was lovable just being myself and that I didn't have to lose myself or deny myself, my needs, or disrespect myself in order for someone to love me. He also taught me that the quality of I love received was a direct response to the quality of love I gave. And lastly, he taught me that loving someone hard can sometimes lead to hurt, but it's so worth the pain. And ever since then, I have loved without fear and learned about myself with every giggle and each tear.

*NOTE TO DAUGHTER: RJ and I were a couple for a year before we had sex. I was 18. There was no coercing or pressure to have sex. I knew that this is who and what I wanted. Our first time together was safe and we were able to spend the night together. It was worth the wait and not only do I have no regrets, I have amazing memories. And like 99.99% of all first times, physical pleasure was not the whole of this sweet encounter. Love was. And that's the memory I get to take into my old age. Let that be your memory too.

Between college and marriage, I loved and left as well as loved and lost a variety of men of various ages, sizes, colors and jobs. Not a regret among the bunch as I learned a lot about myself and life--both romantic and real life. And I remember each one with a smile, even the ones who lied or cheated. They taught me that their issues weren't mine and that I only could only control my actions and reactions, not theirs, but always had the power to decide what was ultimately best for me. I took those lessons into my my ultimate relationship.

I've been lucky in marital love. I met my husband and after a very romantic whirlwind, six days later we were engaged (try breaking that to your boyfriend of a year who just happened to go away for a week and comes back to hear that news!). Because love and I were no strangers by this point, I knew he was Mr. Right. And guess what, on paper he should have been all wrong. He was a graduating senior, I'd been out of school four years (and dating a VP at a brokerage firm). He had no money, no job and we hadn't even had sex. But my heart knew and I went for it. May 31 is our 23 wedding anniversary. We have two fantastic kids and have had a great life together. He's been a partner on Wall Street during his twenty plus year stint in the financial business. We have a great house and have traveled the world together. We've had our ups and downs and have laughed a lot together and cried a lot too. CW taught me that the best lovers are friends and that love morphs into a variety of shapes as the decades go by but ultimately, remains love.

Okay, so here are the lessons I've learned and the reasons why LOVE is number one on my gratitude list. Love is the one thing we all desire and say we want but it's also the thing that we seem to understand the least and fear the most. I learned that unless that you love yourself first and understand your worth, you'll always be looking for love in other people and that's a recipe for disaster. I've learned that love is God and God lives in each one of us. I've learned that if you fear love you'll never grow as a person and that loving full out is better than protecting your heart. I've learned that love isn't always meant to be forever but its lessons and memories are, and that the only way you can get good at love is to DO it, FEEL it, SHARE it. I've learned that if love goes unattended it will die. I learned that the more love you give the more love you get and that sex without love can be good but sex with love is FRICKIN'GREAT. I've learned that loving yourself makes you FEEL sexy and loving someone else makes you ACT sexy.

Love...Pass it on!