Monday, February 23, 2009

Where Love Throbs

I just finished a long discussion with a Stiletto U student of mine who's feeling in a bit of a quandary. She's been married for nearly five years and is extremely satisfied with her SEX life but is growing increasingly frustrated with her LOVE life. Without revealing any confidences, here's Jesse's (not her real name) issue in a nutshell.

She and her husband are very much in love and in sync in so many areas of their life together, particularly in the bedroom. Lucky girl, she proudly brags of a sex life that is off the chain. She and her man have great chemistry and a soulful connection that expresses itself through lots (and she stresses lots) of creative, loving, satisfying sex. From foreplay to sex play to cuddling together to bask in the after glow, their love is expressed through sex on the regular.

But apparently, that's where the loving gestures stops.

"I know he loves me. He is a good man and a good husband in every way," Jesse expressed, "but where's the romance? It's like the sex is so good that in his mind, it's enough. I hate to complain but I need more."

By more, Jesse means that she still feels the need for romantic expressions outside the bedroom. But emotionally, her husband does little to make her feel appreciated or thought about or admired and valued beyond sex. Cards, gifts, etc. are only part of a scheduled celebration--her birthday, Valentine's Day or their anniversary--and even though she's grateful, they feel kind of trite and predictable.

"I want him to flirt with me other than times he wants to have sex. Everything he says or does that's sweet or complimentary is a prelude to sex."

Jesse confided in me because she doesn't know what to say to him. She's afraid that by complaining she will upset him and their great sex life and despite dissatisfaction in other areas, she does not want to upset that apple cart.

Here's what I told her. First, understand that while love throbs in the chest of most women and spreads south, for most men it is the exact opposite. Men tend to express their love largely through sex. They bond through being physically connected with their woman, and satisfying love making is how a man knows that you love him. Reaching his orgasm is how and when your man feels most connected to you and that's the feeling he longs for and can't get enough of.

(Knowing this fact about men is helpful because it explains a lot about why they crave energy, consistency, passion and frequency when it comes to sex. This is why using sex as a tool of manipulation is counterproductive will never have a good outcome.)

On the other hand, I told Jesse that she has every right to express her need for more
BALANCE in their relationship. And she should approach the subject like any grown woman who OWNS her desire should, by respectfully and honestly letting her man know that she's more than willing to meet his needs as long as he's willing to meet hers.

Here's a sample script I offered her:

"I love knowing that you desire me so much. And I don't want that to change. I want and need the wonderful, luscious, crazy, amazing, loving sex we have but I also need you to make me feel appreciated and special and sometimes, that means doing and giving 'stuff' not necessarily expensive stuff, but tokens of affection that say you love and appreciate, think of me and adore me in and out of bed. It's the little things that make people feel valued. I am not asking for big flourishes, just small and steady shows of affection. I am sure that we can work together to find a happy medium that is meaningful for both of us."

Yes, we girls know that this is basically Girls 101 material, but men can be surprisingly dimwitted (and I mean that in only the nicest way) when it comes to romance, especially when they are already feeling satisfied and filled with love.

But we also can be dimwitted when it come to asking for what we want, and instead of expressing our needs, swallowing them unsaid and letting them fester into anger and resentment.

Let your man know that effort is sexy! If handled gracefully and without confrontation, he'll appreciate your honesty, especially if you let him know that his being nice to you outside the bedroom will only make things better inside!

What do you think?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

January Poll Results

In January we asked the question: What keeps you from having more sex?

30% said lack of a partner

8% said lack of interest IN my partner

23% said lack of interest BY my partner

21% said lack of time or energy

15% said lack of confidence

If you look through this blog, you'll see previous posts on sex from sexual chemistry to the importance of sex on the brain that will hopefully help you navigate through some of your issues.

Additionally, listed below are some of the health benefits associated with regular sex. Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a New York sex therapist, says there are 10 distinct ways in which sex has a positive physical effect.

• Relieves stress
• Boosts the immune system
• Burns calories
• Reduces stroke and heart attack risks
• Boosts self-esteem
• Improves intimacy
• Reduces body pain
• Lowers prostate cancer risk
• Strengthens pelvic muscles
• Helps you sleep better

Sex does a body good!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Love Yourself Today

Guess What Your Man Wants for Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day and if you haven't already gotten your gift for your mate or you'd like to supplement the one you have with one he'd really enjoy, you're in luck. I did a quick, unscientific poll asking men what they would enjoy as a gift for this Valentine's Day. I was astounded that nearly every response asked for the same things. Here are some their answers. The best part is that these are gifts that won't cost you a cent but will buy you a lot.

"Most men of my generation see Valentine's Day as a day when they are the givers not the receivers, but if I could have anything, it would be the chance to spend some real time together."

"The best Valentine's gift that a woman can give a man is encouragement or any expression of gratitude."

"I think our time on Valentine's Day would be best spent trying to figure out how we can be better spouses/lovers/partners, etc. every other day of the year."

"Support and encouragement is the best - fortunately, I feel like I have that! Also, I want all of my women in my home to be happy tomorrow."

"A card and a kiss--as an old married man. As a young single dating man, I want some gluteous maximus."

"I don't expect anything on this day which would be different from other days. Valentines, like Halloween, has been exploited by the retail industry. Before you tag me as a bah humbug - I love Christmas, Easter, Independence Day, MLK Day - each recognize a historical event or person. The story of St. Valentine has been lost."

"I would like to get through Sportscenter without any interruptions. No questions, no comments, nothing."

"Hell, just give me 60 minutes of uninterrupted sleep."

"A weekend, all paid for, in a nice hotel, room service, and sex all weekend."

"Quality time together. Just a great night--wine, candles, cooking together, just talking and making each other laugh, not dealing with crowds."

Interesting, huh. Encouragement, support, gestures of appreciation, quality time. Wrap it up and put a bow on it!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Join Me for a NY C Workshop February 10

How to Use Your Sensual Power to Enhance Your Love Life AND Your Business Life

Society teaches women that we should feel sensual only when we are acting sexual, but by eliminating sensuality from daily life, we often find ourselves living without truly feeling alive. Sensuality is an untapped empowerment tool that can have a profound effect on the way you view and interact with the world. From the bedroom to the boardroom, learn how to elevate your sensual esteem and tap into your unique sensuality in order to create an extraordinary atmosphere in which to work, live, and love.

~ Rediscover your sensual world

~ Learn to charm, disarm, and S.E.L.L. yourself in an authentically confident way

~ Discover ways to get your sexy back

Date: Tuesday, February 10th

Time: 6:45pm ~ 9:00pm
Mingle, Presentation, Introductions, Door Prizes

Place: T-Salon tea café
Chelsea Market, 75 Ninth Ave, btwn 15 & 16 st. Walk all the way to the back.

Admission: Members $20.00,

Non-Members $25.00,

Cash or Checks preferred

RSVP at 646-932-3237 or

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Raising Sensual Sons

I was recently perusing the aisles of Victoria's Secrets on a buying trip for my daughter. So there I was in the PINK section (read teen VS), trying to find age-appropriate draws (not too sexy but not too childish) for my soon-to-be sweet sixteen girl and trying to figure out exactly at what point low-rise actually became synonymous with band-aid, when a woman walked through the front door with her son. The mom looked to be in her late 30's and her son, I'd say somewhere between 10 and 12. Hand-in-hand they stepped past the hoodies and sweats; boy shorts, bikinis and thongs adorned with hearts and puppies, and just as they are about to cross the threshold into grown and sexy land, the woman yanked him back and said,

"Close your eyes, there are women's unmentionables in here." She then proceeded to pull this poor boy through the store and up to the cashier's desk to take care of her return.

Okay, so you know I stood there clutching a handful of cotton with that crazy "you're kidding me, right?" look sprayed across my face. I mean we weren't in a sex shop or at a nude fashion show or even the VS Angels runway show for that matter. We were in underwear store--albeit one that caters to those who adore the feel of satin and lace on their skin--but an underwear store nonetheless. I watched as this (IMHO) sad and ridiculous example of the blind leading the blind, and thought, Well there's another one some future woman is going to have to train.

Instead of making her son close his eyes like he was at some kind or dirty little peep show, she should have let him take in the wonderment of ladies lingerie and grabbed this as an opportunity to teach him how to appropriately admire ladies and their sensual ways, beginning with the idea that his mama is a woman. I recognize that these kind of talks can be tough, but I have always found that it's the matter-of-fact, age appropriate message that makes it so much easier to speak about and listen to.

As I stood there, in my mind, I relived a past conversation.

"What are you laughing at?"
"There's no butt in those underwear."
"Well, I guess they do look a little funny, but they have a purpose. When ladies where them under their pants or skirts you don't see the lines of their panties."
"What are those?"
"Garter belts. Some women use them to hold up their stockings instead of wearing pantyhose."
"I'm glad boys don't have to wear that kind of stuff."
"Well, boys don't have breasts so they don't need bras and they wear different kinds of pants so they don't need the same kind of undergarments. Besides I like wearing them."
"Because they make me feel pretty and special."

I pretty much had this exact conversation with my son, who is now nearly 20. Over the years we've had a multitude of conversations ranging from don't diss the third grade girls who like you but you don't like (she is braver than you because she had the courage to tell you how she felt and risk being rejected. You're fortunate that someone likes you that way. Be nice and kind)to oral sex (Oral sex is SEX and all sex is mutual and respectful so don't expect any woman to do for you what you won't do for her)to girls who cry (there is a difference between a girl who cries to manipulate you and one who is genuinely distressed. Recognize the difference, treat both gently but understand that Miss Drama is Her Middle Name, is going to be more trouble in the long run).

Talking is always good, and the mother-to-son conversation is especially important. Ladies, it's our jobs as mothers to counter the asinine and inappropriate media messages our sons receive and teach them to respect and admire women, even in their underwear. We have to help them understand body image and that the airbrushed bodies they covet in those videos and magazines aren't the bodies of most real women and even if they do start out that way, age, childbirth, hormones etc. will alter that temporary perfection. They need to understand the difference between sexy women and tempting tramps and to respect themselves enough to walk away from what may be readily available but potentially troublesome. You need to show by example that smart and confident is the kind of sexy that is true and lasting.

Come on moms, help an up-and-coming sister out. Teach your sons to be a respectful, responsible, tender, appreciative husband and lover for the lucky girl out there who will eventually be his.

What do you think?