Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Great Male Survey '11 Pt. 1 Dating & Sex

Askmen.com has just released their annual male survey. I thought it interesting that included on the list of women they were tired of hearing about was Lady Gaga (20%), Sarah Palin (25%) and Kim Kardasian (17%). I thought I was the only one! Read on and see what's on the minds of our brethren. (The photo above is strictly for eye candy purposes!)

Monday, July 18, 2011

Havin' Your Cake: Coming Out of Celibacy

I was at a social function yesterday when a woman came over and asked if she could speak with me. She'd heard about my work as a sensuality coach and author and wanted to ask a question about a friend. I wasn't sure if the friend was real or simply a privacy prop, but I was game to listen and give whatever advice I could.

Seems her 'friend' had a problem. Over fifty and divorced for many years, she'd recently began dating a man and after three dates, had determined that even though she found him attractive and interesting, they didn't have any sexual chemistry. I did suggest that maybe she give it a little more time, that sometimes, for some people, the chemistry beneath takes time to penetrate layers of past experiences and emotional fears before it can bubble to the top. But she insisted that because her 'friend' had been celibate for over a year, that the right man should and would get her juices flowing immediately.

Perhaps but more than likely not.

Here's the thing, I explained, long-term celibacy is like going on serious diet. Let say you decide that you are going to eliminate sweets from your diet, and after two weeks or two months, someone puts your favorite chocolate cake in front of you. The likelihood is that you are going to be tempted to taste that cake. Your mouth still remembers the creamy taste of luscious chocolate. Your head tingles at the idea of the coming sugar rush. And if that baker's delight stays in front of you too long, the probability of you licking yummy icing from your lips is going to be strong.

But let's say that same damn, trying to bust my diet, person puts a cake in front of you after nearly two years of not eating any desserts. You've gone so long without sugar and chocolate that you've lost your craving for sweets. The temptation to taste is just not there anymore. You have effectively blunted your desire.

The same is true for sex. Long spans of celibacy (whether voluntary or imposed) forces a similar state upon you. When your brain is no longer continually filled with thoughts of sex and you shut down your sexual energy as well as your physical sexual functions, you shut down your desire. And if you're not careful, you also shut down thinking about yourself as a sensual, sexual being.

My bottom line advice for her friend was to spend sometime alone reviving her sexual energy and putting sex back on her brain. Like those Jimmy Choos or that chocolate cake you can’t get off your mind—the more you think about something, the more you have to have it. Sex is no different. If she woke up her sexy mind and got reacquainted with her inner sexiness, she might find that the chemistry was there all along.

What do you think?

Monday, July 11, 2011

A Friend in Need is A Friend with Benefits

It's just these times, when popular culture meets my real life in a way that just doesn't make sense, that I feel like I'm slowly morphing into a grown up. Okay, my mother. There I said it.

Here's what's happening. Justin Timberlake has a new movie out called "Friends with Benefits." And, in an effort to appear hip and current to my 22 and 18-year-old, I brought the movie up at dinner by saying, "I don't get this whole friends with benefits thing. It just seems like a big set up for a guy friend to have relationship sex without commitment while his girl friend ends up with sex and no relationship. So who actually benefits?"

"That's just the way young people do it now," they informed me. I did note that they didn't use the word "we do" or "I do" and I wasn't sure if that was because they don't believe it or they weren't trying to have me smack dab in their personal lives. So, naturally I pressed on. I won't reveal what I found out about my young adults and their sex lives, but I will say, that I am feeling better about their personal roles in this younger generation's insistence on taking the relationship aspect out of all things sexual.

So in an effort to protect their privacy, I'm only using excerpts from the conversation.

"I just don't get it because I don't think it has a chance in hell of really working 99.5 percent of the time," I said to them. "It takes a rare woman, at any age, who is secure enough in herself, sexually and otherwise, to be able to sustain a long-term sexual relationship with a friend. Sure a one night horn trimmer (I don't think I actually used this term), absolutely. Maybe even two, but 'hooking up' on the regular is damn near, scientifically impossible.

"Here's why," I school them. "When you have sex you release a cocktail of hormones including dopamine (the "I gotta have it" desire and reward hormone), serotonin and endorphins (the "happy" hormones)and oxytocin (the "cuddle" or bonding hormone). And I don't care how many water bottles full of vodka got them into bed, it's not enough to ward off what's happening in their brains, especially hers.

"When it comes to the science of love," I continued.

"Science of sex? Really?" my daughter said with the slightest tinge of embarrassed disgust to her voice.

"Yes, science. And I don't care if you did just graduate from high school, this is one science lesson you'll want to learn." Ignoring her eye rolling, I continued, "When you have an orgasm (note the cringing of their faces) you release oxytocin, which makes you want to cuddle and bond with the person. Now, the theory goes that the more a couple has sex, the closer they become."

"Well if that's true, then boys would feel closer too," my daughter suggested. And rightly so, bless her sweet, inexperienced heart.

"True, but men are wired to procreate so they and their testosterone levels," I began to explain but decided to stop and stick to the original subject. "But that's a whole different science lesson.

"So if it's true what you're saying that the boy friend will tend to hook up with more than one girl, while his girl friend will tend to hook up only with him, then she's just setting herself up for a case of unrequited love. Which leads me back to the original statement, who's actually benefits?"

Silence. With that question left in their heads, I figure my work is done and they depart, happy to get away from their mother trying to discuss what happens when they have orgasms. But I can't stop my mind from thinking about how in the good old days, friends with benefits meant you always had a supportive ear and a warm hug to turn to when you had a fight with your actual boyfriend. That your closet was mine and mine was yours. That I'd cover for you with your parents, and you'd cover for me with mine.

I can't help thinking that by trading casual sex for commitment, kids these days are cheating themselves in ways they will spend many years and lots of money in therapy to figure out. They aren't training themselves to be partners, husbands and wives, only selfish lovers. They've traded face-to-face intimacy for efficiency and real time words that aren't even words, but instead abbreviations and emoticons texts to express their feeling. Their intimate lives, emotional and physical, have little true intimacy. Romance is something they read about in books. And the fear of getting hurt stunts their ability to love before they've ever experienced it.

As my dad often says, "It's a damn shame."

Friday, July 8, 2011

Stiletto U Comes to the Learning Annex

Stiletto University is coming to The Learning Annex via Ustream on July 19th at 2:20pm. I'll be 'teaching' two quickie lessons (approximately 20 minutes). See below for class descriptions and then follow the link to Ustream to register for this PPV class. The best $0.99 you ever spent!

The Power of WOW: Tips to Unleashing the Confident, Sexy You July 19th 2:20-2:40pm.

Have you ever noticed that some people just seem to turn heads and get noticed where ever they go? Do you find your self wondering, “What do they have that you don't?” Well wonder no more. The Power of WOW will teach you the basic tenants of unearthing and unleashing that indefinable “it” factor that we all possess but most of us don't know how to access. From the bedroom to the boardroom and everywhere in between, the Power of WOW will teach you how to unearth and unleash your personal brand of WOW in order to live the life you desire.

Let Your Bad Girl Come Out to Play: How to Become Deliciously, Delightfully Scandalous July 19th, 3:00 PM - 3:20 PM ET

In her work as a sensuality coach, Lori Bryant Woolridge found that the number one wish of her students was to shed their good girl ways and add a little naughty to their nice. If you're wondering why your inner desires don't match your outer persona, and are dying to change but have no idea where to begin, I'll show you how to let your bad girl come out to play so you can become a lovely, lusty lady you want to be.

See you in class!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Declare Your Independence

Happy Fourth of July! On this day of national independence, consider declaring a little personal freedom of your own. Pick one thing that you're doing to please someone else or to conform to society that is in direct conflict to your personal desire or tastes. Here are a few ideas to consider:

Go gray. The average woman spends $330 a year on coloring her hair. Eager for authenticity, more women are celebrating their silver locks rather than hiding them. Perhaps it's time for you to consider freeing yourself from the erroneous idea that gray hair makes you look old. Let the silver fox emerge, get a sexy modern haircut and prepare to turn some heads. Remember, it's the way you think and act that makes you look old, not the color of your hair.

Wear a bikini,
even if only in the backyard. Liberate your thoughts about perfect bodies and fatal figure flaws. Let the sun kiss as much as your body as possible and move proudly, appreciating the fact that you possess a healthy, functioning body, and knowing that sexy is as sexy does!

Make yourself visible.
No need to make a scene, but let the bright colors, fashions, and accessories of summer help you stand up and out in the crowd. Throw on a statement necklace or some big and bold, 'can't miss me' earrings. You'll feel lighter and brighter attract more positive energy in return.

Embark on your personal pursuit of happiness.
Decide to do something this summer that you've always wanted to do, even if nobody else wants to join in. Travel somewhere new, take a pole dancing class or learn a new language. Do you for a change. No excuses. No regrets.

Create some fireworks of your own. Give your good girl some freedom as well this Independence Day. Try something new that you've read about, seen or heard about to shake up your love life and get the fire cracking. (Need ideas? Check out Can't Help The Way That I Feel.)

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If it's good enough to define a nation, it's good enough to define you!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Friday Flirt Tip: Backseat Booty Call

A recent survey says that 65 percent of Americans have had sex in a car. I don't know about you, but I was always taught that car sex was definitely a bad girl move that good girls would never consider. But now, I'm thinking...not so fast. What a delightfully scandalous move to add to your arsenal of flirty, sexy, good girl moves!

The thing about car sex is that it just reeks of erotic spontaneity. Done the right way, your bad girl can come out to play and take him for the ride of his life!

So let's clarify: from a bad girl perspective, car sex would include sex with a stranger in a public place. While the voyeuristic aspect of this approach can have a certain appeal for some, this can present a myriad of problems, including getting slapped with a misdemeanor and charged with public indecency or indecent exposure.

So if you want the only handcuffs used to be yours, consider our naughty but nice good girl spin on this park and play activity--hot and sweaty car sex with your man in the safety of your own garage.

If you're game, climb into the driver's seat and plan your sexy ambush. Get a handle on when he will arrive home and listen for his arrival, prepared to pounce. As soon as he pulls in and turns off the engine (a true safe sex move in this instance), shut the garage door and dressed in as little as possible, pull him into the back seat and jump his bones. He'll be totally surprised and you'll get sexy brownie points for being his hot, imaginative and spontaneous nasty girl.

Feeling just a bit more freaky? Try this outside in the driveway. Just make sure you're not parked under a streetlight and your neighborhood watch isn't on patrol!