Sunday, October 26, 2008

Owning It!

We all know somebody who we admire (and envy) not for her great body or amazing skin or to-die-for style or her ability to speak to anyone in the room. No, I'm talking about the friend or acquaintance who has the uncanny ability to say NO, and not lose one iota of her charm and magnetism or walk away steeping in guilt.

Traditionally, women have been raised to be accommodating and helpful to others. And a lot of us think that somehow saying "no" is rude, mean, or uncaring. But just because someone doesn't want to be told "no" doesn't make it a bad thing to say.

How much simpler and joyful our lives would be if we ceased trying to please others at the detriment of our own peace of soul and happiness. If we decided to not only accept ourselves in all of our perfect imperfection but to own ourselves with no apology or explanation.

Owning yourself is all about living the power and pleasure of your own truth. Determining for yourself what is proper and moral and right is truly sexy and honest and the most truthful way of living of all. As long as you are living the Universal truths of finding joy, doing no harm, giving and accepting love, combined with those religious beliefs that make you feel right with your God, you are owning IT and yourself in a right and proper way. And that's being scandalous in all the right ways!

The key to owning IT is to understand at your core that "being yourself can never be wrong." This is not to say that you are perfect or that you can't ever make mistakes or incorrect judgments. It is about realizing that even with all your flaws, you are still fundamentally a strong, beautiful being just as you are and that there is no room in a confidently sensual woman's life for making excuses for things she can not or chooses not to change because she understands that these are the things tht make her who she is.

So here are the basic steps towards self ownership:

1) Understand who you are at your core. We've been talking about this since the first blog entry as we sought to help you define your uniqueness through your core senses and personality traits. Knowing who you are enables you to embrace who you are instead of who you want to be.

2) Accept and get comfortable with yourself on this level. Accepting your core and being comfortable with it provides a solid foundation for you to build upon as you work to bring into balance the sides of you that exist but have not been fully realized. Body, mind and soul put yourself on the list of people you unconditionally love.

3) Make an effort on a daily basis to find ways to assert your self ownership. Even if it means starting by eliminating the words, "I'm sorry to bother you but" or agreeing to do something for someone you don't want to do or don't have time to do.

4) Set boundaries. Boundaries give you the emotional and physical space to be yourself without others telling you how to think, feel or act. It is vitally important to own your own voice and the right to speak up for yourself. Set up clearly defined limits for those you love (who can sometimes be the most difficult) and those you don’t, and recognize that denying yourself in an effort to please others, has the exact opposite effect. Ultimately, no one is pleased or happy.

Remember to know YOU, is to love YOU.

What do you think?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Sexy Halloween

I've received several emails in response to my October flirt tip. You've been asking for some sexy costume suggestions. Glad to hear you're planning you own trick for treats celebration. Here are a few suggestions and a link for some online shopping.

Consider dressing as a dirty martini (serve it up shaken AND stirred); a sexy witch (hello my pretty); sexy cupid (shoot me with your best shot); sexy soldier (come find my weapons of mass seduction); sexy flight attendant (mile high club, anyone?); sexy boxer (float like a butterfly; sting like a bee) or a sexy ref (no harm, no foul).

Check out for everything but the martini. That can be found at

The Rise of Fall

This blog is written specifically to all of you lovelies ages 40 and up. However, if you fall under this age group, please continue reading. There's nothing better than having knowledge of what's ahead.

Okay, so this weekend I'm doing the soccer mom thing and travel up to Williams College in Massachusetts with my husband and daughter to see my son play. It was a four hour drive from my home in New Jersey and to be perfectly honest, I was not looking forward to the drive.

But then we got off the New York Thruway and started down all these two lane county roads. Can I tell you, it proved to one of the most delicious servings of eye candy I've had in a long time. Between the blue sky, flame colored leaves, the crisp fall air and every now and again the whiff of burning wood, topped off with my favorite iPod playlist, this trip had become a truly sensory delight.

Be assured, there is no better artist than Mother Nature.

Anyway, I am in complete awe and silent rapture as I am taking in all of this breathtaking loveliness, and then my husband says, "It's too bad they look the best right before they're going to die." To which my daughter says, "I know, the leaves really do get prettier as they get older."

I didn't say a word because I'm in my seat thinking, I'm like those trees--vibrant, colorful, and beautiful standing out among the evergreens. I didn't verbalize my thoughts because one, they wouldn't understand, and two, this was a deep and important 'ah ha' moment. It was a quiet declaration that I needed to acknowledge and internalize in order to fuel my fabulosity into this next stage of my life.

If you read this blog, you know that I turned fifty five months ago. And though I've been pretty cool about it, I've had my moments of 'damn, I'm old.' Well, this weekend, among all that lovely fiery foliage I made peace with the fact that I am indeed in the autumn of my life. And you know what? I'm totally fine with it. True my body now has more in common with my senior mother than my teenage daughter, and true I've had to reduce my four inch heel time from 'all day, everyday' to time 'on the cocktail circuit' but those spring chicken accouterments pale in comparison to the bevy of beautiful smarts I've garnered through these first two seasons of my life.

My leaves may not be that young, fresh to the world green any more, but that's okay, my spirit is and that's what keeps me full of curiosity and gives me my sense of adventure. And now my limbs may be a little less springlike, but are still bursting full of character and uniqueness. I don't have to hide in the forest anymore because I'm uncertain of who I am or what the world may think of me. I stand out among the trees because I am comfortable in my colorfulness and gorgeous sense of self. Little saplings, that's the great thing about being grown and fabulous flora: With age comes wisdom and the confidence of knowing that being yourself can never be wrong.

And being the fine fall foliage I am, I am not about to get caught up in the 'if I only knew then what I know now' regret. That's a pile of crap. I'm going to look back on the spring and summer seasons of my life and bid them a fond farewell, relish the memories I can remember (LOL) and take everything I know now and create some absolutely scandalous, girl-can-you-believe-I-did-that-wouldn't-change-a-thing, new memories.

So, my fellow fall femmes, you know that saying, "Can't see the forest for the trees?" Well, that's us. We're the trees, busy living our colorful and vibrant autumns out loud while the rest of the forest stays green with envy!

What do you think?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Chemistry Counts Part II

In Part I of the chemistry question I told you that, "I encounter other SU students who recognize that they are not sexually compatible with their lovers but hang in anyway, hoping things will change or convincing themselves that it doesn't really matter, all the while setting themselves and their relationships up for outside interference."

Sad but true.

I know that the notion of not being sexually compatible with the one you love is not only upsetting but painful as well. But as with everything else, I am a true advocate of facing the truth, particularly your individual truth. The truth that is based on your unique set of values, circumstances, and relationships.

First of all, it is important to understand that sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility are two very different things. It's when the two work in tandem that time spent between the sheets goes far beyond simply satisfactory. But sadly, having a lot of sexual chemistry with someone does not guarantee that the two of you will be sexually compatible.

Think of it this way. I love bacon and I love chocolate, but together not so much. The idea of the two may be intriguing and maybe even a little tempting but once brought together the combination does absolutely nothing for me.

Sexual compatibility is about whether you and your lover "fit" together on many levels--frequency, intensity, temperament, technique, etc. These and more all play a part of your compatibility and no matter how much you love somebody, you'll have a difficult time moving past the problems sexual incompatibility creates in your relationship if you do not deal with it. Problems that crop up from build up resentment and anger. Problems like infidelity or divorce--his or yours.

Granted, we all can have an off-night or a span of weeks or even months where our health or situations cause our sexual chemistry to suffer. Don't panic and take this as a sign that you've permanently lost your mojo. Be clear about communicating what's going with you to your partner, get through the issues that are blocking your desire and then climb back to bed with bells on!

However, if you find yourself have sex that is less than perfect or downright unappealing more often than you would like, the worst thing to you can do is ignore the problem and hope that it will get better in time or just go away.

Sometimes not connecting sexually is a symptom of other things not going well in your relationship. Often when when things are going poorly in the bedroom it's because things outside the bedroom need fixing, but sometimes things are good in every other aspect of your partnership but your chemistry is off. Either way, is a sign of other things not being quite right. So it’s definitely worthwhile exploring together what could make that sexual connection better.

The only way to get to the bottom of this is to be honest with first yourself, and then your lover. We women have a bad habit of not acknowledging our sexual wants and needs to ourselves, let alone our partners. We expect our men not only to know what we want, but when and how! This is because very few of us have any pride of ownership or take responsibility for our own sexual selves. We are our own victims when it comes to being sexually satisfied because we have bought into the idea that we are sexual servants, that it is our responsibility to make sure that our man is satisfied and happy. Hell, even with the best of 'masters' that crap gets old fast, particularly when it is at the expense of our own satisfaction.

So, know what you want and how you want it, and gently, lovingly and honestly communicate these needs. Don't make him feel like a failure, but let him know it has been your fault that you haven't communicated these needs to him. Ask and be willing to listen to his needs and wants and accommodate when and where you feel comfortable. Start your sexual live together over, rewriting the rules to work with who you both are today. This may very well include redefining exactly what 'sex' is for the two of you. (More on this subject soon)

Addressing this often touchy subject as partners, not adversaries, is the only way that you will learn how to really please each other in bed. The good news is that often two people can work through these issues with enough honest communication or with the help of professional guidance.

What do you think?

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

September Poll Results...Chemistry Counts

Last month's poll was on the concept of sexual chemistry. For the most part, poll results were fairly predictable, and happily, it seems the majority of you are doing just fine in the laboratory of love! I did think the percentage of those linking chemistry to relationship viability would be higher. I'll explain why below.

First, here are the results to September's poll question: I think chemistry in a relationship is something that:

53% said chemistry is something you know you have immediately

51% said chemistry keeps a relationship viable

12% said chemistry takes time to develop and build

7% said chemistry it is overrated because respect and affection is more durable

2% said chemistry is something you wish your relationship had more of

I decided to ask this question because I often have Stiletto U students who don't know or who are reluctant to recognize the importance of chemistry between themselves and a potential or current partner.

So what is sexual chemistry?

Sexual chemistry is that undeniable attraction that is felt on an unspoken level between two people, even before any type of relationship has started. You know that delicious feeling you get towards someone who makes you twirl your hair and bite your lip. It's that exchange of energy that makes you feel giddy and light and has you daydreaming aboutwhat he's like in bed while he's trying to patiently explain to you the difference between a lager and an ale.

There is no denying that sex between two people with great chemistry is exhilarating. Lovers with red-hot chemistry tend to respond to each other with amazing intensity, and are in the moment with each other, enjoying every minute of the experience mind AND body. Great sexual chemistry ebbs and flows in time but the attraction remains constant.

But let's not forget that sexual chemistry also encompasses the compatibility of two people are once they're actually having sex. And like most things, the way women and men look at sexual chemistry can be very different. Most women tend to see it as a foundation upon which to build a relationship, while men are more hard wired to look at great chemistry as the predictor of steamy sex. And women are much more likely than men to connect sexual chemistry with love.

What I hear often is that a woman has great sexual chemistry with a guy but then after a few months, things fizzle out. By that time she's thinking she's made a love connection and is confused why things didn't work out. Largely I find, this is because she is focused on the sexual attraction and willfully ignoring the issues outside the bedroom. And yet, because sex is so good between them she has a difficult time recognizing the truth and moving on because she has indeed equated this chemistry with love.

On the other hand, I encounter other SU students who recognize that they are not sexually compatible with their lover but hang in anyway, hoping things will change or convincing themselves that it doesn't really matter, all the while setting themselves and their relationships up for outside interference. (More on sexual incompatibility next time.)

Bottom line: Sexual chemistry is vital in keeping a relationship strong and viable. At the same time there are levels of intensity, all which are fine as long as they match your lover' other words, as long as you are sexually compatible in your chemical reaction to each other firing up the love lab should not be a problem.

What do you think?