Monday, November 26, 2007

"Laughter and Orgasm are Great Bedfellows"

So says John Callahan. And I must concur.

When and why did sex become so dang serious?

In our quest to boink like porn stars, we've lost one of the great pleasures that come with intimate sex--fun! Technique, appearance and the age-old search for multiple orgasms has made sex so goal-oriented and pressure-packed that instead of being the 'freaks' we envision, we've simply freaked ourselves out. Pressure to be the sexual bomb has us faking orgasm and becoming novelty acts instead of authentically sexual, sensual beings.

Loosen up and start having fun again with sex. Be playful. Stop thinking you have to blow his mind everytime you take off your clothes. True, sometimes sex is raw and passionate. Or it can be quick and intense. Or soft and loving. But sex should also be spontaneous and delightful. It should include laughter and joy and not be so serious that you're afraid of making mistakes or not pleasing your lover.

Fun sex leads to adventurous sex. Share your fantasies, take risks, be creative and shake things up a bit. Fun sex is about learning new tricks and experimenting and knowing that failed attempts at experimental acts (okay, maybe that whole sex underwater wasn't such a great idea)should be met with giggles and kisses, not embarrassment and scorn.

Playful sex also strengthens your intimate ties. Taking away the pressure of performance allows you to feel safer and more secure in your relationship, which ultimately allows you to open up and communicate about how you feel and what you want in bed.

As time marches on, great intimacy will ultimately trump great sex, and great intimacy is built upon a foundation of loving delight and joy and laughter, not 'ooh, ooh, baby, let me tap that ass one more again."

So lighten up. Literally, it's not that big a f'ing deal!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Kiss Me, You Fool

Question: How much of a role does kissing play in your sex life?

Kissing is so important. It’s the way we begin our journey into sexuality and it will be the main attraction as we reach the end our our sex lives. Kissing is the most intimate of sex acts but unfortunately, it is the first thing that goes once we discover orgasms, and sex becomes more goal-oriented than intimate. A little forward thinking here: remember, the time will come when your body will lose its ability to be fully sexual but your lips--those lovely, luscious, sexy lips--will never let you down.

And even now in your prime sexual years, kissing helps you maintain a playful intimacy and is always the one thing you can say yes to even when your body, exhausted by child-rearing, work or pre-menstrual bloating, will always be up for.

Even if your kisser hasn't been getting the workout it deserves these past few years, worry not. You can be up to speed in no time. Just keep in mind:

To rediscover kissing, practice hard and often. The key is to start slow and explore. Experiment with pressure and touch not only to see how you like to kiss and be kissed (there's a series of kisses just right for you, Goldilocks!), but also use his mouth and your tongue to instruct him how you like to be kissed elsewhere on your body. This can be quite fun and will be instructive to both of you.

Great kissers know that it’s not about the lips or the technique as much as it is about the origin of a kiss. An amazing kiss comes from the heart and soul. Your mouth is merely the conduit that delivers the message of your mood, emotions and intent. An effective kiss really is like a passionate dance—whether it be a tango, or waltz or salsa—and by translating the music in your head through your lips, you are guaranteed to make your lover’s head spin!

Here's a little sumthin' sumthin' about kissing and being good with your mouth from the book: The Good Sex Guide.

"After the genitals, the lips are the most sensitive part of the body. They're stuffed with nerve endings and can give and receive hours of pleasure. The most obvious use of your mouth (other than eating and talking) is kissing. This popular pastime is used by most cultures as a greeting and sign of affection. But when lovers kiss, it takes on a whole new meaning. When couples first meet, kissing is often intense and provocative. But over time, it's often forgotten. Thankfully, it's something you can easily learn again."

Now from the same book, here are a few kisses to add to your repertoire.

French Kissing. The well-known favorite, where you use your tongue to explore your partner's lips and mouth. Start gently, and as they open up, gradually increase the depth and urgency of your exploration. (My note: Go by your preference. If you don't like deep, keep it shallow and enjoy the tongue play on lips and slightly inside. The 'ice cream cone lick" on closed lips, can be VERY effective.)

Nibble kisses: Very, very gently caress your partner's lips and tongue with little bites--but remember, gently.

Suction kisses, Gently suck on your partner's lower lip or tongue. (This is one of my favorites and can be VERY sexy without being messy.)

Chicken kisses: Gently peck your lover over and over again with tiny kisses.

Teasing kisses: Gently and teasingly kiss your partner on the cheeks, chin, eyelids, nose--in fact anywhere but the mouth. It will be only a matter of time before they pull you to their lips."

Might I add, don't forget that the entire body is covered with skin--your most sensitive body organ. So the combination of lips on skin, where ever it is, is a lovely So go forth and KISS. If you are able, spend this evening simply kissing, and just like when you were a teenager, do not allow yourself to go any further than lip to lip. Enjoy!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

The Lexis Trap

I admit it. I am a word whore. I love words. I love to hear them whispered in my ear and I love the way some words excite my mouth. I love to see them all strung together in a sentences that makes a reader stop and laugh or stop and cry or best of all, stop and think. I learned a long time ago that words have the power to changes minds, moods and lives. Yeah, I'm a word whore. I just can't get enough.

But I also know that while words can be used to entice, empower, thrill and titillate, they can also be like quicksand, causing us to get caught up in definitions and innuendos that we simply take for granted. So as often as we allow words to enrapture us, too many times we also let them entrap us. And this is particularly true when it comes to words connected to sex and sensuality.

For example:

To be sexy is the secret wish of the majority of women all over the world. (Okay, maybe be not those under the rule of the Taliban, but they have other, more pressing issues to deal with.) But have you ever really defined this word, look, attitude for yourself or have you done what most of us do and let others define it and then try in vain to fit into a mental and physical definition that doesn’t come close to the reality of our lives, lifestyles and not to mention our bodies?

Is it a wonder that we are feeling so confused and disconnected from our true sexy selves, fantasies and desires?

It's time to ask yourself: Is your sensuality and feminine confidence caught in the trap of connotation? Have common words and their definitions ensnared you within boundaries set by someone else? Take a minute to do the following exercise. Jot down the first word(s) that come to mind for each of the following:





Bad Girl:

Wild Woman:

Now, go further and write a line or two more fully defining your personal thoughts of the word. Then, look up the actual definition. How do your thoughts differ?

Do you find that most of these words had a negative connotation for you? If so, where do you think those feelings came from? Explore this.

Now give each of these words a positive connotation based on your personal moral code and sense of integrity.

As En Vogue so aptly put: "Free your mind and the rest will follow."

Now go, be a whore for something you love.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Inter Generational Divas

I just returned from Phoenix, Arizona yesterday, where I did a workshop for nearly 300 women on how to unleash their sensuality. I was a bit nervous as the age range for this group went from early thirties to mid-nineties. I was concerned that my message might be a hard sell to women who had more than four decades of living under their belts than the messenger (that would be me), and that because I was no expert in geriatric sexuality that I would get it all wrong and wind up boring the youngin's and being ignored by the oldsters. Nervous in deed!

But I sucked it up and as I do before every public speaking engagement or sitting down to write a message to the public (whether blog or book) asked God to whisper in my ear the words that needed to be heard. And as usual, the words came.

Okay, have you ever heard the phrase, "to assume makes an ass of you and me?" Well I walked into that room with asinine assumptions only to leave with a head-full of knowledge and respect for the older divas that enhance this world.

Far from being shy and retiring, these lovelies were fine, fun-loving, and many still had a bit of the freak left in them! First, they walked into the room like supermodels--decked out in ladies-that-lunched outfits that defied the sterotypes of grandma and announced to the world that THEY knew they still had it going on and we should too. They listened, took notes, chatted among themselves and let the youngsters know in no uncertain terms that they still OWNED IT!

These women were full of energy and life-force. They made me feel comfortable and secure and in no way inhibited my presentation. Instead they enhanced it and gave me much food for thought. Yummy tidbits that I will be passing along to you as time goes by. But for today, here's what I know that you should know too.

Friendships with women of all ages are imperative to your ability to grow older with confidence. Inter generational girlfriends are the true fountains of youth. Younger women help the older divas stay youthful and current and women of a certain age help the up-and-comers realize that the joys of life don't have to droop when your boobs do.

One of my best friends is 66 years-old. She's beautiful and fabulous and amazing. Through her I've learned that age really isn't nothin' but a number and that the beauty that comes from healthy attitudes about health, exercise and sensual good living provides the true beauty that counts--the beauty that will lead you through the peaks and valleys of your feminine confidence as the years roll by.

So find ways to interact and grow friendships with women of all ages. These friendships will keep you young and sexy no matter if you're 13, 30 or 103! Because as my wise friend as always shown me by example--sexy is an attitude!

What do you think?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Just How Do You Let Your Bad Girl Loose?

There was a comment left on the blog entry about letting your bad girl come out and play. The reader thought it was a great idea but wanted to know, "how?"

My immediate answer is to redefine in your head what it means to be a 'bad". After all, who defined what a bad girl is or does anyway? If it wasn't you, the whole subject deserves a second thought.

Free yourself from the boundaries that the expectations of others have placed on you. It's time to OWN your sexuality and stop being afraid of it and what you 'think' it means to be sexually liberated.

If words are going to rule your world, maybe if you thought of it as putting a little naughty with your nice, you'd feel more comfortable. And I know it's getting close to Christmas and all but I'm sure your Santa Baby would definitely approve!

Here's an excerpt from a great book, The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex.

"Life is too short to waste being good. It's time for you to learn to enjoy what all the Bad Girls know.

"Bad Girls have no shame. What does that mean? It means that they are proud of who they are and what they feel. They love being bad and they have no interest in hiding that. Bad girls are not ashamed to feel desire. They are not ashamed to admit their desire or act on it.

"Bad Girls announce their intentions. They announce them with the way they walk, the way they talk, and the way they dress and undress. They announce their intentions when they stand up, when they sit down, when they eat, and when they smile. What are a Bad Girl's intentions: To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully alive with herself and her sexual partner. Clear, powerful, to the point and very, very Bad. Yet they express this in a way that is never cheap, never trashy, never tawdry. Bad Girls feel sexy and fabulous and desirable. They don't need to be "good"; they love how it feels being bad.

"Let's look at those intentions again: "To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully sexually alive with her sexual partner." What are you thinking to yourself right now? Are you thinking, "I have the same intentions?" I think you are, and I hope you are, yet there is a world of difference between having those intentions and living those intentions out loud. Bad Girls live out loud. That's what sets them apart. Don't let that discourage you. Turn yours up just a little at first, and then a little bit more every time as you get increasingly comfortable."

Live Out Loud.

What do you think?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Sensuality Workshop in Monmouth, NJ

For any of you who live in NJ or have friends and family that do, I'm doing a workshop called, The Power and Pleasure of Sensual Living, at Brookdale Community College in Monmouth, NJ. The workshop is Saturday, November 17th from 11-2:00. Lunch will be served as we find ways to bring both the power and the pleasure of sensual living (hence the name!) back into your work, personal, and love lives.

Tickets for lunch and the workshop are $30. Books will be sold and signed. For more information or to register call: 732-224-2315 and ask about the Unleash the Sensual You Workshop.

Hope you can join me. Feel free to pass this information along to anyone in the New Jersey area.

Let Your Bad Girl Come Out To Play

If you've been reading this blog, you know that I am doing a case study workshop called Stiletto Camp as research for a nonfiction book I'm writing. I'm working with ten amazing women from all over the country who range in age from 31 to 52. Some are married, some divorced, others never have been married. They are mothers, step-mothers, and childless. Some ladies have been with their lovers for years others a few months. A few are celibate, one by choice the others by chance. Needless to say, they are an eclectic group of wants and needs. All are itching to get their sexy back.

And the majority seem to also have a common desire--they want to shed their good girl ways and add a little naughty to their nice.

Working with these ten lovelies this week got me to thinking about how so many of us good girls out in the world are missing out on much of the good clean lust (okay, maybe squeaky clean) life has to offer because we're stuck in good girl persona.

I say, it's time to support the bad girl in you and let her come out to play.

First, before we do, let's get a few things straight. Being a bad girl does not mean being immoral or doing anything illegal; acting cheap or tawdry; disrespecting yourself or others; or engaging in indiscriminate sex.

Women who engage in the aforementioned lifestyle aren't Bad Girls, they're troubled girls.

So let's define what being bad means for ourselves. Being bad means loving sex, being sexually confident, being physically uninhibited, having a healthy sexual appetite and knowing how to feed it. Being bad means being unashamed of being assertive, knowing what you want and asking for it. It means being fully in the moment and happily orgasmic. It means knowing that safe IS sexy.

Now I ask you: Doesn't being bad sound awfully good?

So why then are we so afraid to explore our sexual sides with the gusto both we and our lovers deserve?

I know...a loaded question with a history of psychological head trips played on us throughout the generations.

Maybe it's best that we reach back into the generations to one of the baddest bad girls of all times for a bit of wisdom. Here is a classic thought from Mae West. Let it be your mantra as you allow your Bad Girl out to play.

"When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad I'm better."

What do you think?

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Kegels: The Exercise That Keeps On Giving

I don't really like exercise. I miss the days when I participated in sports because back then all my exercise was tied up in playing a game, not standing in a mirrored room comparing my body to a bunch of other women's. I've tried the workout classes and the weight circuit but after years of starting and stopping, I have now come to depend on the three forms of exercise that I remain committed to: Yoga, Walking and Kegels. These three activities are like the lover you can't ever walk away from--you try but ultimately you find yourself back in the mix--and happy you are.

Lest you think I've forgotten that September is all about sex, I haven't. I'm writing about exercise because I've found the aforementioned crucial to maintaining a great sex life. Let me break it down.

Yoga: It's all about stress reduction and keeping your body flexible. A clear mind and a limber body--two clear assets for having having great sex. What lover doesn't get jazzed over the idea that you can wrap your legs clear around his head or have a willing mind and capable body to try a few poses from the Kama Sutra?

Walking: Cardio. Healthy heart and fit body--two more must haves for a hot sex life. While quickies are great fun, they should only be the exception, not the norm because your don't have the stamina to go the lusty distance.

Kegels: Yes, I'm talking about the so-you-don't-pee-on-yourself pelvic exercises. Kegels are part of my exercise trinity. But the well-kept secret about this magic little exercise goes well beyond not embarrassing yourself every time you sneeze. See the Kegel is the exercise that keeps on giving in ways that make your body smile like no amount of sweatin' to the oldies ever can. And like yoga and walking you really don't need any special equipment or clothing. In fact, while doing Kegels (and in some yoga classes) clothing is purely optional.

Kegels are what you do when you're trying to strengthen you love muscle...your sex muscle...your 'do it to me now before I explode' muscle. Anatomically speaking, it's your PC muscle or actually group of muscles that support your pelvic cavity.

It's also the muscle, that when in shape, allows you to have rip-roaring orgasms. Studies have confirmed that the ability to have an orgasm, and the intensity of that orgasm, correlates with the contraction strength of the PC muscle. Women who don't have orgasm or have lackluster 'snoregasms' tend to have weak PC muscles.

But more and better orgasms are just one oh-so sweet by product of the Kegel. Another direct and beneficial result is that they help keep sex on your brain. Now I ask you: Have you ever been more excited about the idea of exercising?

Kegels can be done any time and/or any place and nobody else has to know you're working out. You can do your Kegels while you watch TV, shop, ride the subway, read, cook or drive carpool. In fact, you can even do Kegels while you're walking or doing yoga! How's that for economizing your time!

So, how do you Kegel? Here are the basics:

While you are in the bathroom, try to stop the flow of urine. The muscle that stops you from urinating is the PC muscle. The action of stopping is the Kegel exercise. Hold for one second and release. Repeat the hold, release action three times. If you're squeezing the right muscle you should stop the flow of urine each time.

If you can't completely stop the flow, it means you've got a flabby PC (mine used to match my stomach). But don't worry, unlike my dang stomach, the PC muscle responds quickly with constant exercise.

Prime exercise time: Build them into your daily routine. Before you even get out of the bed do sixty seconds worth of Kegels. Every time you go to the potty, throw in a few more. And during your evening TV watching, sixty seconds more. Add your daily shower or bath and that's four times a day, every day, that you're training your mind and body for the sensual pleasures of sex.

Kegel on my friends and enjoy the results!

What do you think?

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Down with So-So Sex!!

As our theme this month is "Sexy September" here's an encore entry from February. It's worth the reminder!

I saw this in O Magazine and thought it was definitely worth passing on.

“We settle for so-so sex because most of us don’t know how sexual we could be; we only know how sexual we are. How sexual we are has been shaped by decades of indoctrination by…family and friends, teachers, religious leaders and romantic partners, not to mention a society that worships a bewildering fusion of childlike sexual innocence and cynical, nilhilistic hedonism…So what is normal? It all depends on what is normal for you.”

Anita Clayton, MD with Robin Cantor-Cooke, in Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy (Ballentine)

Find your 'normal' and rock on!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Sex On The Brain

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite saying is, "Where Your Mind Goes Your Butt Follows." It's clear, concise and action oriented: Action follows thought.

This idea applies to everything from making your dreams come true to creating a rip-roaring, passion-filled sex life. Because as the little cartoon above illustrates, brain and heart are your two biggest sex organs, though most of us mistake the other ‘stuff’ as the only 'parts' that count.

So if you really want to amp up your sex life, it’s time to wake up your sexy mind because once you turn on your brain, the rest of the equipment is sure to rev up or as I like to put it, “Sexy starts in your head. Where it ends is what makes your body smile.”

Commercial break: By the way, have you ordered your set of WMS affirmation cards? What are you waiting for? Get your set now at

See the thing is, thinking sexy when you're in a new relationship is easy. In fact, when there is someone new who you find attractive, keeping sex OFF your brain is damn near impossible. Mother Nature kicks your body into hormonal overdrive and you exude chemicals like phenylethylamine, which more potent than a Cosmo, mixes with other pheromones and such to create a potent hormonal cocktail that creates a natural lover’s high. Think about it: when you feel sexy, the sun shines brighter, flowers seem more fragrant and beautiful, and that drugstore chocolate that tasted slightly waxy yesterday, today tastes downright orgasmic! It’s this hormonal cocktail that attracts you to and bonds you with your new lover, it’s what makes you feel deliciously off balance, heady, giddy and hot, hot, hot!

But what Mother Nature giveth, she also taketh away. In the average relationship, this romantic space has an expiration date that comes far too soon for most of us. One day you wake up and realize that those habits you once thought of as cute and endearing have become irritating. Suddenly he’s not so perfect and the sex god he once was has turned into an annoying slob. Combine that with the stress and rush of kids, work and the details of day-to-day life and before you know it, sex has become something you do and you slip into a state of sexual neutrality—you’re not necessarily in the mood for sex, but you can get there if you have/need/want to.

This can be a critical point for a lot of women when it comes to how they approach and live their sex lives. When buzz of new romance wears off, and your brain is no longer continually filled with sex thoughts about yourself and your partner, your shut down thinking about yourself as sensual, sexual beings. Stilettos are traded in for sneakers, sensible undies replace lingerie and all the things that once made up your natural seduction kit are relegated to props for designated romantic celebrations.

And this is exactly why keeping sex on the brain is so vital to every Weapon of Mass Seduction’s sexual vitality. Like those Jimmy Choos you can’t get off your mind—the more you think about something, the more you HAVE to have it. Sex is no different.

Thinking about sex does not have to interfere with your daily life but instead will enhance everything. A sexy mind keeps you feeling fully alive. It keeps you ready to make love on the fly instead of falling into the dreaded appointment sex category. It also puts your partner on notice that you are a sensual, exciting woman. It puts him where you want him and keeps him there…waiting and wanting YOU.

If this is what you want, try these four tips for reinvigorating your sexy mind. I’ve gathered them up from various sources and have tried them all. They worked for me and many folks I’ve recommended them to. Hopefully, they’ll help put sex back on your brain too.

1. Never underestimate the seductive power of the written word.
One study showed that women who read romantic fiction have better sex lives than those who don't (I have a few titles to suggest!). Also, keep an open mind about erotica, which is an entirely different animal than pornography. It's really a matter of personal taste but erotica can be quite enjoyable and titillating and will go along way in putting you in a sexy state of mind.

2. Keep thinking sexy thoughts. Fantasizing about Morris Chestnut or Brad Pitt or the guy with the amazing tight end you found yourself gazing upon in the elevator is not a bad thing. The joy of a pleasurable ‘mind job” is that you don’t have to be responsible, reasonable or safe for that matter. Let your mind be a sexy playground where you can fulfill every side of your sexual self—even the freaky side which will probably never see the light of day but can be some serious fuel to keep that lusty fire burning.

3. Stay away from negative thoughts about sex. Parents, pastors, and past experiences may have helped form your opinions about sex, and truth be told, they may not be YOUR opinions. Negative ideas, those that seem to fight with your authentic sexual desires, need to be looked at and challenged on the regular. If you don’t you’ll continue to believe that ‘nice girls don’t enjoy sex’ or “sex is your duty’ or “wanting sex makes you a slut.” Reprogram your brain to understand that your feminine confidence (i.e. sexual confidence), vitality and fulfillment are CRUCIAL to your existence as a fully alive, fully realized woman. And because your sexual turn-ons are as individual as your fingerprints, what entity has the right to judge your desires?

4. Think like a man. Ask yourself: Why do guys want to have sex all the time? And we all know the answer to that question: Because they think about it all the time. For example, a man will use an elevator ride as an opportunity for some erotic sight-seeing. He spots a great butt and immediately fantasizes about giving it a firm squeeze. A woman spots a nice tush, sneaks a quick glance and then goes back to her to-do list for the day.

Now I ask you: Isn’t it time for you to start thinking more like a man?

Wake up that sexy mind and get to know your inner sexiness. We're all so consumed with the condition of our bodies we're neglecting the biggest turn-on of all.

What do you think?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Get Ready for a Sexy September

I'm sure you've noticed that my blog entries have been a little lacking this month. I apologize, but see what had happen was, first, some kind of technical snafu with blogspot kept me from blogging, and then with all of my book touring and personal vacation time and getting my son ready to leave for college next week, well finding time to blog has been tough.

So WMS is officially on hiatus for the rest of August and will return on September 6 for a month dedicated to thoughts on S.E.X. The things I want to discuss involve feeling good about sex as a woman; about knowing how to do more than turn on your lover, but also how to recognize your own sexual power and how to use the power of the punani to benefit you and your partner. We'll be talking about looking at new ways to apporach sex--with an eye on playfulness, a sense of adventure and a commitment to your own pleasure.

So enjoy the rest of your summer and get ready for a Sexy September! In the meantime, if you have any questions, comments or suggested topics send them along to

Until the sixth, think sexy thoughts!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Stiletto Camp Registration is Now Closed

Thanks to all of you who wrote in to volunteer for Stiletto Camp. Registration is now full but you'll be able to read all about on a sister blog. Stay tuned for information on where to tune in.

Monday, August 6, 2007


My kids, little jokers that they are, gave me a book two birthdays ago that I just now picked up to peek through. The title? Old Age Is Always 15 Years Older Than I Am. Ha! Ha! Kids. They're so doggone funny. The only reason I decided to even crack the cover is I was looking for a quote to use on my mother's 80th birthday invitation.

But instead of a birthday quote, I stumbled across a little ditty that has captured my attention for the past few days. It's by Oscar Wilde, who after looking into many of his quotable statements, is one man I would have loved to sit down and have a martini with. Here's what Oscar said: "One should never make one's debut with a scandal; one should reserve that to give interest to one's old age."

The entire idea of being scandalous intrigued me. So I've spent the last few days rolling the word around my mouth and took the time this weekend while I was enjoying myself in Sag Harbor to noodle around the concept of being scandalous.

The dictionary defines it as: "behavior offensive to propriety or morality." Hmmm. To make sure I had a true understanding of the definition I had to flip back a few pages and look up 'propriety,' which is "the quality or state of being proper and also defined as "the standard of what is socially acceptable in conduct and speech." Hmmm.

Okay now I'm feeling just a little bit annoyed because just who is the arbitrator of what is socially acceptable? I mean who is actually in charge of dictating to me and the rest of us the nuances of what's socially or morally right?

I mean beyond the Ten Commandments and other generally agreed upon rules like no talking to the screen all through a movie or liberally peppering your speech with the MF words at your preschoolers parent/teacher conference or using all the toilet paper and not replacing the roll or sleeping with your best friend's man, who is the wizard behind the curtain playing the grand 'decider?'.

When I think about the women in history who are considered sensual and sexual icons, many of them are considered scandalous in some form or fashion. Think about it: Cleopatra, Mae West, Coco Chanel, Marlena Dietrich, Marilyn Monroe, Josephine Baker, Eartha Kitt, Sophia Loren, Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross, Madonna, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez all women who by living, working and loving on their own terms often created controversy and concern among the keepers of society's social and moral compass. They didn't live in fear of being judged. Their fear was living without feeling alive.

These women lived by their own moral code and rules and while some choices led them down rather destructive paths, others led to great success and happiness and both paths led them towards an authentic that for good or bad, right or wrong, was dictated by their own sense of individual truth.

The more I think about it and the longer I live, the more I become a quiet advocate for living scandalously. Free yourself from the opinions and of other people's opinions about what's right or wrong and do what you have to do to live a life that is full and joyous and satisfying on your terms.

Put a little scandal in your life. It doesn't have to be major what-the-hell-are you-thinking-Lindsay Lohan-Paris Hilton-Brittany Spears-is you crazy-tabloid scandalous. Hell, nobody but you needs to know. But certainly do something that excites you; that feels right to you; that is in keeping with your own truth and your own moral code but makes you step outside the boundaries that other people, whether parent or pastor, have placed on you.

Find an area in your life to be a little outrageous. Wear red nail polish or lipstick; buy some skimpy lingerie to wear under your church clothes; unbutton those top three buttons and show a little cleavage; raise your hem two inches; take a skinny dip; pull out that list of sexual tricks and treats you've been too intimidated to try and check them off one by one; make love on the balcony; take a trip by yourself and discover something new about yourself; buy a vibrator or if you have one, share it with your lover; plan a vacation at a hedonism resort and give into your pent-up guilty pleasures; eat really expensive chocolate instead of salad for lunch; go commando. Learn to tango (did you know that the tango was originally danced in the brothels of poor neighborhoods because it was considered to be scandalous? Now, you can simply turn on the tube to Dancing with the Stars. Whose heart didn't skip a beat when that sexy little Mario tangoed his sexy butt off? Now that's entertainment).

Do something that you don't ordinarily do because other folks think you shouldn't. Follow Oscar Wilde's advice and include a little scandal in your life to give you and it interest,spice and memories that bring a sly smile to your lips. Eliminate regret...and failure...from your vocabulary. And if that's not possible, consider that it's better to regret something you DID instead of something you DIDN'T do.

Scandalous women are sexy. Why? Because passion, confidence, individualism, fearlessness, excitement, curiosity and a sense of adventure are all the prime ingredients to scandalous personality. And being scandalous doesn't require that you lose your sense of integrity and honesty, just that you lose your fear of being authentically you.

So, set your own boundaries and when in doubt fall back on these Universal truths: Love. Seek Joy. Do No Harm. Live the Truth. Still not sure?

India.Arie said it best, "You know the truth by the way it feels."

What do you think?

Monday, July 30, 2007

Be The Flame...

I've always had a motto about men. Simply put, "Let them be the moths, I am the flame." As I look back and try to figure out when and where this notion got planted in my head, I can only come up with my parents. I mean, they never said such a thing, but their rules ultimately shaped my thoughts and actions.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen (couldn't even have phone calls from boys until I was fifteen), so aggressively pursuing a boy or even looking for a boyfriend was a mute point. Of course I was too mortified to tell boys that my house rules were so strict, so I went about the business of developing my own interests and in the process also developed an air of friendly nonchalance that apparently proved to be intriguing.

Despite the fact that I thought my parents were brutally unkind, now I see that I actually learned three valuable lessons in those early years: 1) boys like a bit of a chase; 2) staying busy doing my own thing--whether work or play--was a good thing because having my own life and interests is an important part of any relationship; and 3) boys will always find you, especially when you're not looking.

So I repeat: Be the flame.

Being the flame gives you a very positive attitude to wrap your mind around (and we all know, where your mind goes, your butt follows). Flame glows. Flame attracts. Flame lights the way and warms the path. Flame welcomes and mesmerizes. Flame is white hot!

Be the flame because when you're the moth, you simply become one of several flitting around someone else's light waiting and hoping that you'll get noticed (and increasing your chances of getting burned). When you're the moth, you give the flame the power to pick and choose; to validate and make you feel attractive and wanted. Bump that...BE THE FLAME!

I know, easier said than done. Well let's talk about a few ways to make sure your flame burns big and bright enough to attract the moths with the right stuff.

1) Change your attitude, change your life. Stop living with the moth mentality and let your light shine. Stop believing that basking in the light of some man's flame will make you happy and start tending to your flame. Building and basking in a secure, self-confident fire within is the secret to your happiness.

2) Work to make your flame a beacon of welcoming light and warmth--not a fire hazard. We are so worried about how lovable we are that we don't stop to consider what is the quality of the love we give.

3) Begin to recognize the attributes in other women whose light you admire. She might even be the one you constantly refer to a 'biyatch,' when you are suffering with acute EBS (evil bitch syndrome). It is important to understand that the attributes you admire (and probably envy)and are drawn to in other women are most often those hidden assets that you have yet to acknowledge in yourself. So instead of player hatin', look, listen and learn from the flames around you. Bring these things out in yourself and watch as your flame gets brighter.

4) Work on your sensual, signature style (see early posts)to make your flame unique and individual while enhancing your best qualities and letting your perceived flaws go up in smoke.

5) Stop believing that only certain moths should be attracted to your light. Don't limit your options with some small-minded list of flame-retarded choices. The moth you turn away because his wings aren't the right size or color or his cocoon isn't big enough may just be the moth of your dreams. And even if he's not the ultimate moth, the lesson he may be there to teach you may be the one that will help draw Mr. Right to your flame.

Be the flame.

What do you think?

Friday, July 20, 2007

Sunnin' and Funnin'

I saw this image and decided I had to use it in a blog entry and this was supposed to be about being safe and sexy in the sun. It reminded me of the first and only time I got sunburned to the point of excruciating discomfort. I was in college. I went down to Puerto Rico with a friend and did what we always did back there-- slathered on some Johnson's baby oil and sat on the beach looking young and fly. My first time out of the country too. No body mentioned that the sun is slightly stronger down yonder. I got burned from my eyelids to my toe nails and everything in between. The trip home was a nightmare as anything that touched my body--threads even--hurt like hell. Never again, I promised myself and unlike my promise to give up Dunkin' Donuts, I kept that promise.

But as I sat down to write all that came to mind is the last time I visited a nude beach--Orient Beach in St. Maarten, July 2005--to pinpoint my last venture au naturale. And that led me to think about the first time I'd ever tip-toed out to a nude beach--the same beach in 1986 on my honeymoon. And that got me thinking about all the years that have gone by in between--oh hell, let me start from the top.

My husband and I went to St. Maarten on our honeymoon. I was a young, nubile newlywed of 26 married to a curious, very adventurous younger man who has always had a great body and has never been afraid to show it. It was his idea to check out Orient Beach, and though I was feeling a bit shy about the whole thing I agreed. Of course, the man was out of his clothes in the parking lot! I had to laugh--even back then I was about going with the flow (though frankly, I had no intention of taking off my swimsuit). We ambled down to the beach, which was surprisingly empty. All the better. While I stripped down to my bikini and set up our picnic, my husband walked down to the shoreline to check out the surf (okay and to let me check him out!) and then proceeded to make himself comfortable on the blanket in the sand.

Then the parade started and I realized we were an anomaly on this stretch of clothing optional sand.

It began with a heavyset man whose stomach provided a sunscreen for his privates (you get the picture and it wasn't pretty!). Next a tall, skinny couple, where everything on both of them was hanging and swinging in the ocean breeze. They proceeded to frolic in the surf, hot, happy and naked as jaybirds. Right there I realized that this was no St. Tropez. No Rio di Janiero. No exquisite bodies oiled up and oozing sex. Matter of fact, Craig and I were the only hot bodies to be seen.

That knowledge and a little prompting led me to remove my top. A few hours later, with the realization that nobody gave a damn and a little more spousal prompting, off came the bottoms. But even with the best body on that land (and when the hell would that ever happen again?) and my man by my side, I still didn't feel truly comfortable in my skin' and before I wound up with some wacky tan line--one hand print on my upper arm and one on my thigh--I closed my eyes, turned over and let my butt take all the heat. Still, I had to admire the fact that these old folks were oblivious to their imperfections or my judgemental eyes. They were just enjoying the sun and surf in their birthday suits--wrinkled and worn as they might be. I had to applaud their daring.

Fast forward twenty years. I'm back on Orient Beach, this time all by my lonesome, blissfully minding my own business, editing my book, and enjoying the sun kissing my naked body (okay this is actually part two of the red bikini story I wrote about in May.) I was full frontal and didn't give a damn who saw (Okay, in full-disclosure, I did take a little time to position body parts so they weren't slipping under my armpits and my stomach appeared flatter than it actually was. And okay, even in my late 40's I was still among the youngest and most fit bodies on the beach, amazing how much the 70 plus crowd likes to strut around nekked.) But the huge, most telling difference was that I was relaxed and enjoying myself because unlike when I was a young newlywed, I'd taken the sex out of this adventure and was simply enjoying the sensuality of the experience. I had no worries about being judged as a sexual object and the only bodies I noticed were the occasional, fully clothed, twenty somethings ambling down the shore trying not to gawk and laugh at us old-timers happily enjoying nature in the buff. They were curious about the idea of a nude beach but not courageous enough to experience it. I had laugh as I thought back to myself at their age. Age does bring wisdom and courage and a spectacular "I don't give a damn, deal with it" attitude that goes along way in making like more enjoyable and a hell of a lot less stressful.

So what's the point of this rambling set of memories? First, I'm not proud of the fact that my comfort level ebbs and flows only by comparison. Even I have yet to master the lesson 100% of the time that being myself, exactly the way I am, is fabulous and can never be wrong. Secondly, whether it's a nude beach, taking a trip without your spouse or painting your toenails and fire engine red, occasionally challenge yourself to do something daring and outside of your comfort zone. Only then will you recognize how much fuller and funner (I know it's not grammatically correct--I should say more fun, but I like the way fuller and funner sounds) life can be when you are brave and adventurous. And lastly, wear sunblock every time you leave the house. Keep that birthday suit healthy and wrinkle free just in case Orient Beach or some other naked adventure comes up in your travel plans!

What do you think?

Monday, July 16, 2007

Looking for A Few Good Women

Hi Ladies,

I am looking for five more women (preferably married or in a committed relationship) looking to get their sexy back and are game for participating in my Stiletto Camp--six weeks of individual coaching intended to help you become the beautiful, sensual, confident wife and partner you were meant to be.

In addition to a Stiletto Camp workbook with exercises designed to unearth your authentic sensuous you, you'll receive:

A weekly, one hour, individual coaching sessions by phone

Two WMS support group conference call meetings

A weekly motivational email

Unlimited email access

WMS gift pack

In return for the services above, I will ask you to allow me to document your progress for inclusion in my new, nonfiction book. Of course, all names and identifying details will be changed to protect your identity.

This complimentary camp officially begins October 1, 2007, so grab a girlfriend and take the first fun and empowering step towards becoming a more sensual, more charming, more successful YOU.

To enlist, email your name, address, phone number to me at Tell me your story and why you'd like to participate. You'll be hearing from me and before you know it, getting your sexy back! Deadline to register is Sept. 1, 2007. Hurry! Only five spots remain.

PS This post is separate and above the Tandi Cruise offer.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

What's Sexy?

My daughter, who is 14 and about to enter high school this fall, finally said the "S" word. She told me she wanted to be "sexy." When I asked her to explain to me what she thought sexy was, she, like most of us, was at a loss for words. So I of course took the opportunity fill in the blanks for her.

My first response to her was "Sexy is a clean body. Sexy is fresh breath. Sexy is skin that's soft and not ashy." "Sexy is a genuine smile." "Sexy is a clean room." (okay, that was a little behavior modification, but it can't hurt!). "Sexy is clean underwear." Apparently that wasn't the message she was trying to hear, (but believe me I'll be in her ear with it for the duration) and she all but knocked me down trying to answer her cell phone.

Well that conversation got me to thinking and I decided to share with you what other things I think are sexy. Okay, truth is, I was on a roll with nobody to listen. So here we go!

Kindness is sexy. Laughter is sexy. Realness is sexy. Smart is sexy. Humor is sexy. Bold is sexy. SAFE is sexy. Truth is sexy. Confidence is sexy. Passion is sexy. Quirky is sexy. (Strange is not!) Individualism is sexy. Mystery is sexy.
Compassion is sexy. Fairness is sexy. Natural is sexy. Loving God is sexy. Love yourself is sexy.

These are all the things I want to explain to my daughter when she is willing to listen. I want her to know that she is sexy because she is who she is. That sexy isn't a mold every woman has to stuff herself into. It doesn't come in a bottle and she won't find it hanging on the size 2 rack. That she has the right to be sexy on her own terms and she shouldn't judge hers, or anyone else's sexiness by any rigid cultural, societal or media implied standards.

She is the new (and improved) sexy and, so by the way, are you.

What do you think?

Monday, June 25, 2007

I'll Be Back

Hope you are enjoying your summer.

I'm so sorry I haven't been writing the blog but June has been a big, happy, stressful, delightful, busy month for me and my family. Still traveling promoting Weapons of Mass Seduction and both my kids and a niece and nephew graduated this month. So I've been in Mommy mode all month.

I have, however been coming up with all kinds of hot ideas to blog about. So, I'll be back and until then, be charming, be sexy, be YOU!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Win A Spot in My WMS Stiletto Camp

What better place to get your sexy back than on the beautiful Caribbean sea! Join me on the Tandi Cruise Getaway on September 2-9th. We'll meet in Tampa and then sail to exotic spots in the Western Caribbean like Belize, Cozumel, Costa Maya and Cayman. While on board, I'll be giving a complimentary Weapons of Mass Seduction workshop guaranteed to amp up your girls skills and make your cruise all the more fun.

And as a special treat, the first ten ladies who send me proof of their booked cruise will win a WMS gift pack and a spot in the WMS Stiletto Camp--six weeks of individual coaching designed to help you become the beautiful, sensual, confident woman you were born to be. Week One begins on the cruise. Here's what you'll get while on board:

Complimentary WMS Workshop on our first sea day

The six week Stiletto Camp Workbook with ways to unearth the sensual you

Daily WMS Breakfast roundtable and morning motivational walk

A Get Your Flirt On excursion on board

And when you get home, Stiletto Camp continues for five more weeks. In addition to your workbook exercises you'll receive:

Five one hour, individual weekly coaching sessions by phone

One WMS support group conference call meeting

Five weekly motivational emails

Unlimited email access

A WMS Unleash The Sensual You Deck of 31 Affirmation Cards

The registration fee for my six-week stiletto camp is usually $475 but for the first ten of you cruisers it's FREE!

So grab a girlfriend and take that first fun step towards a more sensual, more charming, more successful YOU!

For more information on the cruise and to book your cabin go to then email your name, address and phone number to me at Once I've confirmed your booking, you'll be hearing from me and before you know it , getting your sexy back!

Next entry, I'll explain why I love cruising so much, why it's the perfect place to find your sensual self, and how on cruise, I got my sexy back (get your mind out of the gutter y'all!)

Monday, June 4, 2007

More Q & A

I hope at least a few of you heard the Cocoa Mode show on XM this weekend. It was was great and we had a lot of fun talking about bringing our sexy back. If you didn't catch it, go to and click on 'listen to the show.' Shawna(who is one of the best in the business, ya'all)says the link should be up any day now.

Before I launch into the questions and answers, let me take a moment to thank the men who called into the show confirming everything I've been telling you ladies. Men are attracted to CONFIDENT, FRIENDLY, ATTRACTIVE WOMEN. And don't misunderstand, by "attractive" they (and I) mean well-groomed and nicely put together. Yes, they may have a physical preference, but for 98% of them, that preference can be easily replaced by a woman who walks in the joint carrying herself with a "proud to be" strut and a smile on her face. Attitude (the GOOD kind) works wonders.

Moving on...

I received to questions that I thought were really worth sharing because they spoke to the concerns of so many of you out there. The first is from Lisa, a thirtysomething mother of one who is stuck in a very unsexy rut. The second question is from Patrice, who is battling an illness and feeling sexy is the last thing she has on her mind.

Q: With a three-year-old and a job and a husband I don't have time to bring sexy back. How do I incorporate all this into an already too full schedule?

A: Let me remind everyone here again that sensuality is much more encompasssing than just a mere sexual perk. To be sensual merely means living life through your five senses. It is the joyous preoccupation with what you see, smell, touch, hear and taste. With the right state of mind you can turn any task into a sensual experience--eating, walking, dancing, gardening, laundry, showering--you name it.

Here are three suggestions to get you started: Take at least one daily chore and turn it in to a sensory experience. Let's use the laundry for example. Instead of simply plopping the towels from the dryer down on the folding counter and commence to folding, bring them to your nose and smell the fabric softner, rub your fingers through the soft terry nap before bringing to your face for a soft caress across your cheek. (scroll down and check out the video about doing the laundry the real WMS way)

Take at least ten minutes each day to treat yourself to a sensory delight. Whether it be listening to soul stirring music, eating a piece of luscious decedant chocolate, rubbing yourself down with delicious smelling body lotion or watching the world from your window, demand this sensual time for yourself.

Savor mealtime. At least once a week treat yourself and your family to some sensual dining. Make your meals tasty incorporating assorted testures and tastes and servie them in a visually pleasing manner. Candles and flowers on the table help. Take the time to taste and enjoy every bite as you savor your meal and the company of your love ones.

Getting back in touch with your sensual side will go a long way towards making your life seem more beautiful.

Q. I have Lupus. Feeling sexy is the last thing on my mind.

A. Whether due to illness or life's ups and downs, it's perfectly reasonable that a woman doesn't feel sexy all the time. But by tying sex to sensuality you are cheating yourself out of so many of wonderful experiences. Don't sell you or your quality of life short because things are not in primo order to live a sexy life. And let's be real, who lives that way all the time anyway? Reclaim your sensual self and by the time you are feeling sexy again you'll notice a new and improved sexy you!

If you have a question. Send them on.

Remind Yourself Everyday That You are a WMS

Do these pants make my butt look big? Good.

First I seduce myself. He is merely an afterthought.

I live my truth and make no excuses.

Today is a high heel kind of day.

When I feel like a sensual woman, I behave like one.

Being myself is always right.

Confidence is Mother Nature's push-up bra.

...and 24 more

This collection of sensual reminders was created from the pages of WMS, by Inspire and Affirm to remind you everyday what a Weapon of Mass Seduction YOU are!

This Inspiration Keeper is a fun burgundy box with a mirror to practice looking at your charming self. Display a card in the funky Lucite frame. The rose petals remind you to appreciate your sense of touch.

If you'd like a set for yourself or a friend, log on to

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Tune in to Cocoa Mode for a WMS Tune Up

Want to know how to amp up your sensual arsenal to a nuclear level just in time for a red hot summer?

Then turn on Cocoa Mode with host Shawna Renee, Saturday, June 2 @1:00 pm on The Power, XM Channel 169

Back by popular demand, I'll will be in-studio for a roundtable discussion on sensuality and flirting. Shawna and I take your calls and give you tips on becoming the sultry and sensual woman you were meant to be.

Summer '07 is going to be HOT!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

What I Learned from Carrie Bradshaw

Despite what many TV Watch groups think, you can learn a lot from TV--even when the show you're watching is, on the surface, about the fabulously, frivolous things in life--shoes, purses, cocktails--and always the men for good or bad, we love and lust after.

I don't think there are many WMS who haven't seen at least one episode of the pop culture classic, Sex in the City. That show was the program that gave the concept of being a woman who lives her own truth wings. It was our Star Trek, daring to go where no man had gone before to explore the female psyche.

Each one of those characters was flawed and fabulous, each had her own unique idea of what was right and wrong for her. Samantha wanted to be an full-out sex goddess, and she was. Charlotte wanted to be an uptown society wife, and she was. Miranda wanted to be it all--superlawyer/supermom, best friend, and she was. Carrie wanted to explore and discover and enjoy herself and her life as it unfolded, and she did. Each was sexy and interesting in her own way.

They each lived their personal version of life with no apologies. Oh sure, there were often consequences for some of their decisions--they got their hearts broken (and broke a few themselves)--but they weren't afraid of living and loving full out accepting the sunshine with the rain, the joy that was sometimes laced with pain. They were quintessential Weapons of Mass Seduction who were fearless and confident--even when they had to fake it until they make it.

Carrie was the one I most related to. Probably because she was a writer and loved shoes and kind of flew by the seat of her fancy pants. And when it came to men, she definitely did not have a type. Millionaire or carpenter, struggling novelist or world renown artist, Carrie went with the flow, falling in love with who was sexy and interesting to her at the moment. I saw myself in her struggles and her joy.

So, what should I have learned from Carrie Bradshaw and why am I even bringing up a show that hasn't filmed a new episode in years? Well, remember the episode when Carrie's hard drive died? She lost everything, all of her columns and other parts of her life that were chronicled on her computer. It killed her because, you see, for writers, our computers are the scrapbooks and journals of our lives. Photos, files, emotions, ideas, secrets--everything is stored there. That hard drive represents our livelihood, our passions, our loves, our past, present and future.

So like Carrie, I lost everything on my hard drive last Thursday, the day before my birthday. Like Carrie, I hadn't backed up my stuff (long story, too long to get into here). And like Carrie, I wrapped my baby up and took her to the computer doctor, who sadly informed me that they'd done all they could but everything was lost, including the latest version of my next book (good news, a friend had a copy and sent it to me!).

So, last week, I spent my birthday on Friday through the Memorial Day weekend, in a Silver Patron daze. I gave myself a combination pity/birthday party and refused to be upset by the fact that years of work and memories were lost. Then today I sobered up and tried to find the lesson behind this.

Here's what I came up with: The past is lost but I have every ability to build anew and create from scratch the next chapter of my life. Nothing is written in stone. I have a new hard drive in an existing body and with the wisdom and experience behind me, I am gifted with the thrill and excitement of writing my future.

So that's what I learned from Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City. Be fearless. Be fabulous and true to myself. Own my truth. Live my life. Love my loves, write the journey down and back that sucker up every which way I know how!

Maybe what you can learn from my experience and the SITC girls revolves around the idea of a new hard drive in an existing body. Sometime life through divorce, death, boredom, and/or personal growth forces you to wipe your slate clean. And all you can do is insert a new attitude into your life as it exists and proceed forward--fearless and confident (with your signature cocktail in hand, of course!).

What do you think?

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Oh God, It's Bathing Suit Time Again

I'm depressed today. It happens every year around this time. I start making vacation plans, which always include water because I love the ocean and I love the feel of the sun on my skin. I start getting my little fun in the sun wardrobe together down and then it comes time to purchase the suit and that's when I get depressed.

Okay, I know. I'm supposed to be the motivational guru for being sexy in your own skin, but damn, I am only human. Sure, most of the year, I feel great and blessed to be me. I mean, I'm not perfect, my boobs may no longer be in the right place but my heart sure is. In a couple of weeks I'll be 49 and I do feel sexy and confident and zesty...most of the time. But not now because...'s bathing suit time again.

I thought I had licked this problem last year when I took a cruise by myself to work on my book. I was not there to play but to work and I promised myself that if I met my goal, I would take the day off at the end of the week and treat myself to a little sun and beach and jewelry buying in St. Maarten. So, each morning I would throw on my one piece and go out onto my balcony with my laptop and write, soaking up a few rays in private. And each afternoon I'd throw on my very cute cover up and kitten heels and go up on deck to get lunch and wade through a sea of bodies, many clad in itty bitty bikini's that well, I felt shouldn't be. I'd shake my head, giggle to myself and keep on struttin' smugly thinking that I was looking pretty cute after all.

Then about the fourth day of feeling hot and sweaty covering myself up on deck because my body wasn't 'perfect,' it dawned on me that these women were the one's that really had it going on. They were the ones having fun, enjoying the sun on their bare skin, not giving a damn who was looking or being judgemental (uh, that would be me). They were happy being who they were, where they were, looking the way they did. And I decided right then and there that the next day in St. Maarten, I was going to buy a bikini and liberate my tired, way too flabby ego.

And I did. I got off that ship and marched into town and bought the first bikini that fit (believe me, it wasn't the first or second or the sixteenth I tried on). I wanted it black, I mean even if it was only one quarter of a yard of material,black makes you look skinny, right? Well, the only one that fit happened to be bright red. Cherry-ain't-no-way-in-hell-you-ain't-going-to-be-noticed-now red. That's okay, I had a new attitude and I wore that bad boy out the store (under my sundress) and strut my cherry red behind right down to the beach. I disrobed and felt that lovely sun kissing my near naked body and ceased to give a damn about what anyone, especially me, thought about what I did or didn't look like. And you know what, I didn't care about what the other bodies around me looked like either (except for that one hunky, ripped Antonio Banderas looking guy a couple towels down).

I carried that liberated feeling and those sexy bikini tan lines with me for the rest of the summer and into the fall and winter. But here I am again back to the idiot idea of chasing a body image instead of being satisfied with my self-image. Why are we women so hard headed and so hard on ourselves? We will love everyone else around us with all their glorious flaws--everyone except ourselves.

Damn. I learned the lesson but have yet to mastered it. Maybe next summer.

Ah hell, let me put this chocolate down and go pull out that sucker right now. No time like the present to remind myself that sexy starts in your head, where it ends is what makes your body smile!

What do you think?

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Ciao Bella!

I was a guest on a great show this weekend. Cocoa Mode on XM radio with Shawna Renee. If you haven't checked it out, please do. It's live and you'll laugh and learn a lot about a lot.

Shawna had me on as part of a show on traveling and asked me to discuss getting your flirt on in a foreign land. Sounds like hella fun to me! I love to travel and have filled my head with wonderful memories of the places and people from Malta,Morocco, Italy, France, Spain, Greece, Belize, Germany, Canada, the Caribbean, Mexico and Turkey just to name a few glorious spots in this world I've visited.

Let me begin by saying that every Weapon of Mass Seduction should have a passport, kept in a safe place, ready to pick up and dash off as the crosswinds of the world call to you. Seriously, you can't travel anywhere outside of the U.S. without one and what WMS wants her wings clipped over documentation? The world is too fabulous for you not to explore it, and you are far too fabulous not to share yourself with the world.

And can I tell you, once you begin to explore the world, not only will you have a better understanding and appreciation of the other folks who inhabit this planet, you will better understand that men are men are men, no matter what color their skin, no matter the sound of their language, no matter the food on their dinner table. And nearly every man (okay maybe not the Taliban) enjoys a woman who is confident, curious and makes them feel good about being themselves.

So if you're going to take your flirt game overseas (and I highly suggest at some point you do), know the social and religious customs of the country you're visiting. Some countries have very strict expectations of how foreign (female) visitors should dress and you should respect their religious beliefs and culture. But don't for a minute think you won't be noticed. In Istanbul, where women are expected to cover their legs and arms (no shorts or tank tops), fully clothed and not a high heel in sight, I was offered 40 camels as a marriage proposal! It's kind of scary when all I did was smile and say hello, but flattering all the same.

So how do you get your flirt on in a country where you may not speak the language? The same way you do here in the good old U.S.A. By knowing how to S.E.L.L. yourself.

Smile. It's your best flirting tool foreign or domestic. A smile translates in any language and let's the recipient know that you are open and friendly and approachable.

Eye contact/talk. Learn to look people you're interested in in the eyes and once contact is made, engage in a little eye talk to say all those things you don't know the words for and even if you did you'd feel too embarrassed to say. Let your eyes do the walking and talking and your face will translate. And while he won't know exactly what you're thinking, your intrigue levels will go up substantially and soon he'll be living to spend time in your gaze.

Listen. As with their English speaking counterparts, men from anywhere in the world are intrigued and attracted to women who listen and ask questions. In every country I have visited, nearly everybody knows some English and those who do are dying to practice with a pretty little tutor like yourself. And what better excuse to listen than to ask for a quick Italian/Spanish/Greek lesson of your own! And before you even touch down, know how a few basic, friendly words in the language of the country you are visiting. Find out how to say 'hello', 'goodnight', 'thank you' and 'you are welcome'. You'd be surprised how far those few words will get you.

Laugh. Again, laughter is part of the universal language of love and friendship. And like a genuine smile, authentic laughter melts away the 'ugly American' persona and makes you appear friendly, energetic and happy, and who wouldn't want to surround themselves with an interesting, mysterious foreigner like yourself?

Always remember, at home or overseas, flirting is a benevolent act. Stop trying to use it as a way to gain something from someone and start using it as a way to make the object of your desire feel good about himself. By doing so you will erase the fear of rejection that keeps you from being your charming self and see your success quotient--and your confidence--quickly rise.

Have fun this summer. See the world. Be charming. Be sexy. Be you!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


I've been getting a lot of great questions that I thought I'd share with you on the blog. This week's query:

Q. You say that a woman should take her best feature and embrace it. How does an aspiring WMS determine her best feature?

A. By taking the time to truly admire herself with loving eyes. Most us don't really look at ourselves and our bodies. We only study and critique them and that's why we don't learn to love and accept them as is. Spend some quality time with the lady in the looking glass. You'll be amazed by how fabulous she really is if you only take the time to truly see her.

Also you need to learn to really listen and internalize the compliments you receive. Most of us are too modest or insecure to even accept compliments, let alone see and use them for the useful and empowering nuggets of inspiration they are. How many times have you brushed off a kind comment or made some self-deprecating remark in response to a compliment? Stop downplaying the wonderfulness of you! Give yourself permission to bask in the warmth of your own sunshine and be open enough to allow others to do the same.

A true WMS knows how to graciously take a compliment and use them to fuel her confidence (not ego!). If enough people tell you your legs are great or you have amazing eyes you have a pretty good idea about what about you is most special. They'll also clue you in as too what colors look good on you or what styles really flatter your body. Listen and learn! And once you are clear about your best feature, own it with pride and work it confidence!

If you have a question you'd like answered email me at

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

High Jinx on the High Seas

Join me for this fabulous time on the high seas where you'll learn to unleash the sensual you and still have plenty of time to network with some serious movers and shakers in the entertainment business, including mega successful publisher, Vicki Stringer, actress Sheryl Lee Ralph, radio personality, Egypt and others. Tandi Productions is donating a portion of the profits to breast cancer research, so come cruise with us knowing you're making a difference in the lives of others all the while you're having BIG fun. Book your cabin now and get ready for some high jinx on the high seas! For more information check out

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

A Conversation With My Friend...Nina Foxx

My fellow Femme, Nina Foxx, is not only a prolific writer, she's queen of the media-tech geek squad (sexy, smart as hell, major shoe label geeks mind you, They don't call her "Foxx" for nothing). While the rest of us are just trying to figure out these blogs, she has started a series of podcasts called A Conversation With

Friends. I was lucky enough to be one of her first girl chats. Take a listen and then roll over to the The Vixen Chronicles to hear more from this frighteningly talented woman.

Listen now to our conversation.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

In Stores Everywhere

After months (and sometimes years) of toil and struggle to turn ideas into words and get words onto paper, there are no better words than: "in stores everywhere!"

Okay, you're right, there are better words: "NY Times bestseller," "We want to make your book into a movie," "This is the best book I've ever read," "Mom, I'm so proud of you." But right now after all of the waiting for you to check it out and enjoy, "In stores everywhere," is perfect."

Now, if you wouldn't mind helping a sister out, here's how you can make those other words (bestseller for example) ring in a girl's ears.

1) Please buy a copy and enjoy it with joy in your heart and sunshine on your face. The sunshine on your face isn't just a line of prose, but also a request that you read in public! I know how you like to curl up with a good book in bed, but after reading and taking to heart the information inside WMS, you'll have better things to do in bed, so read in public so other people see it and decide they can't be left out and go buy their own copy. Get it? Sexy see, sexy do!

2) Please don't lend your copy,. Have folks buy their own or better buy them a copy as a gift. "I lent my book to 15 friends," are not words an author loves to hear. Mother's Day, birthday, happy bridal shower, happy divorce...all great occasions to make a gift of this book.

3) Get your book club to pick Weapons of Mass Seduction. Essence has for their 5000 members. Don't let those girls out charm you! This is perfect book club reading and with the tests in the back and the workshop as part of the storyline, your club can become bona fide bombshells as a group. Read the book and after a bit of discussion take the meeting to the club and get your flirt on.

4) As you're getting your new found flirt on, spread the word. Don't keep this secret all to yourself. Word-of-mouth is the best advertising. Tell your friends. Write a review on Amazon.

Please help me make this world a nicer place, one sexy you at a time!

Friday, April 13, 2007

Don Imus and Weapons of Mass Seduction

What the hell? I know you’re thinking, what could Weapons of Mass Seduction possibly have to do with, Don “who’s the ho now, sucker” Imus.

Bear with me as I try to get you all aboard this fleeting (but pertinent) train of thought.

I was watching the news this morning and of course, every other story is on Mr. Imus. First, can I tell you how VERY proud I am of not only those fine, intelligent, talented young women from Rutgers (they should have taken his ass to the hoop instead of just talking with him), but Essence editor Angela Burt-Murray. They were all smart, articulate, looked beautiful and held their own against some particularly loud and mouthy Imus supporters. Way to represent ladies!

So anyway, I’m watching the news and while I agree it was time for Imus to go, I also agree with the commentary of several guests, black and white, that we can not simply point the finger of blame at Imus without looking at the ways Black women are demeaned and devalued in the name of free speech and art, by our own people.

Yes, all true, but this discussion is out of place on a blog dedicated to sensuality and based on a book called Weapons of Mass Seduction, a book with a very sexy cover and title and has nothing to do with Don “frickin” Imus and a debate about respecting ourselves as a people, the reader thought, scratching her head in confusion.

Well, yes and no.

Yes, Weapons of Mass Seduction is a sensual and sexy read. It is light and enlightening. It is a fun romp through the lives of three very interesting women. It will make you laugh and make you cry and I promise you, you will walk away having learned something about yourself.

But the book is SMART and sexy. And as handsome Valen Bellamy, Pia Jamison’s love interest and candidate for the U.S. Senate, proves, Weapons of Mass Seduction is very germane and timely to day’s ‘nappy ho’ headlines.

Here's an abridged excerpt of their first meeting:

“Thank you all for coming this afternoon to discuss a crisis that has hit our communities as hard as obesity, high blood pressure, black-on-black crime and HIV/AIDS. Along with the super-sizing of our fast-food meals has come the super-sizing of our appetites for hyper-sexuality, violence and a blatant disrespect for ourselves and each other.

“Rappers boast about being the “spot smacker and favorite macker” while proudly promoting the image of the pimp as a flamboyant beacon of power, wealth and success. In bookstores, displayed beneath signs marked African-American Literature, are titles like Ghetto Azz, Thug Livin’, and Toxic Ho.

“Our young people are experiencing a whammy of ‘entertainment’ sources that glorify violence and dangerous sex practices to the detriment of our collective sense of self-respect. And this is why I’ve asked you all to join me today.

“This is a fact-finding mission to gather ideas and information to shape my campaign platform, ‘Respect Yourself. Be Respected.’ My hope is that through awareness, we can begin to reverse the negative cultural trends that are impacting our daily lives, for example, making heroines of women who make a living shaking their booties and servicing men who refer to them as his ‘tricks,’ ‘bitches,’ and ‘ho’s’.”

“I’m not a whore. I’m a model,” argued Jalese Chantal, a successful video girl. “For me, videos are a way to pay the bills while trying to advance my career.”

“Man, we’re selling a product…and everybody knows that sex sells everything else from cars to camera, why not music,” hip-hop artist, Playadoh added.

“Crack cocaine is a product. Shouldn’t we be policing ourselves when it comes to questionable and potentially harmful ‘products’?” the candidate queried.

Pia could see that Valen Bellamy was quickly losing his congenial charm as he delved into this issue. It was clear that he was impassioned by the subject, but his passion was putting his audience, including Pia, on the defense.

“Let’s not forget that we’re in the business of producing and selling fantasy and entertainment,” Alison Black replied.

“The key word being business –and one that follows trends,” video channel executive Toure Peterson added. “So if the consumer likes what’s being supplied and keeps asking for more, who are we to stop giving it to them? And by the way I think this whole hyper-sexuality thing will eventually burn out.”

“And while we wait for the trend to burn itself out, what about all the damage it’s causing now? Ms. Jamison, you in the business of producing these videos. What’s your take on the subject?”

“My take is that the issue goes so much deeper. It’s about how we raise our children. Accountability and positive self-imagery starts at home.”

“Which is why family values must be resurrected in our community,” Valen inserted.

At the sound of that loaded phrase, which now felt like a personal attack on her own morality, Pia could feel her liberal sensibilities surfacing and could not resist turning the discussion political.

“Despite the fact that politicians like yourself have tried to co-op and turn idea of ‘family values’ into a narrow discussion of conservative sensibilities, it does behoove us to get to the root of the problem, which is not how we are portrayed on videos or in books, but how we each portray ourselves on a daily basis.”

“And I don’t see how you can tell me that what our children consume as entertainment on a daily basis does not affect how they behave,” Valen shot back.

Was that a smirk? Did he just smirk at me? Pia wondered, feeling her ire rise. In her head, she heard the screeching sound of the brakes bringing an immediate halt to her initial attraction to this pompous ass.

“Around this table you have gathered together five black people, as if to say that respect or lack of respect is a problem only in our community."

“It cannot be disputed that the black family is in crisis,” Valen argued back. The others in the room were struck by the escalating debate between the two and sat back quietly watching the drama unfold.

“Mr. Bellamy, the entire American family is in crisis. And by you pandering to the Black and Hispanic vote by simply drawing more attention to our problems but with no plan of action or budget to help solve them, I find it difficult to see you as anything more than an opportunist.

Without action and money behind it, 'Respect Yourself. Be Respected.' will prove to be just as ineffective as that last Republican backed, slogan-only campaign, ‘Just Say No’.”

There’s that damn smirk again. He thinks I’m funny?

“It may not be perfect, Ms. Jamison, but it is a start at taking back the destructive images and lifestyle choices disguised as art, which demean people and women of color in a soul destroying manner. Images you and your industry must also be held accountable for.

“Until respect becomes something people—young and old alike—demand of themselves for themselves we will never be respected as a people and never be given the opportunities and credit we deserve for being contributing world citizens.”

“And when is the GOP going to start respecting itself and this country and its citizens? When are you and your political cronies going to stop trashing America’s image and its people so we can be respected by the rest of the world for the super power we are—and not because we demanded it by pointing a gun in someone’s face, but because we earned it by doing the world good?” Pia countered angrily.

“That is an entirely different discussion, Ms. Jamison. One I will gladly debate at another time, but as we are here to discuss the specific topic of images in the media, I’d respectfully ask you stay on topic.”

“It is clear that you are here not to listen to our opinions but to merely give us yours. So, if you will excuse me, I must get back to work. Know that our discussion today has given me cause to think about how I can better do my part on this issue. So perhaps this afternoon was not a total waste of my time.”

Pia gathered her things and quickly exited the room. Damn. It was truly disappointing to meet such an attractive and intelligent man and watch him turn into a total asshole because of his political views. If Valen Bellamy was the cliché personified of sex and politics making strange bedfellows thank goodness she was back to being celibate.

There’s some smart from WMS. Next time—some sexy.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Charming the Mr.

Today's post is for all you wives out there who have forgotten, lost or turned in your flirt card once you said, "I do."

I find that to a married woman's ears, the word 'flirting" has a negative ring to it. Most married women feel that even innocent flirting with other men is a taboo activity left to single women. But what's really sad is that they even stop flirting with their Mr. So let's flip the script and replace the word flirting, with all of its hussy baggage, with the word 'charm', as in charming your man.

It's not unusual for a woman to flirt in order to attract her man and then gradually dismiss her charming side as time, kids and familiarity take over. But every woman should keep her sensual, charming self active and alive. Why? Here are three great reasons:

1) To maintain your sexual relevance as time goes by. Age is no longer a threat to your sexual confidence.

2) Because sexual confidence gives you a sense of control over your own destiny. No more thinking, "No other man will ever want me."

3) To avoid the "intimacy" leak that siphons off marital passions.

Flirting with your husband is a crucial part of a married Weapon of Mass Seduction’s arsenal. Flirting helps keep romance and playfulness alive in your marriage. It should not stop at the altar, nor should it stop at your 25th wedding anniversary. Here are a few steps to get you back to your charming self.

First, develop your sensual persona.

Take time to reacquaint yourself with the sensual you and accept the incredible woman you are—as is, cellulite and all.

Learn to savor yourself, your life and your environment through your senses.

Define your new WMS status by finding and flaunting your five sensual signatures.

Second, turn up the charm.

Find your smile again. It’s amazing how often we don’t smile and a genuine smile is your most effective charming tool.

Practice. Waiters, gas station attendants, the deli guy. Be charming whenever the opportunity presents itself. The better you get the more powerful you’ll feel.

Take those charming feelings and focus on the things that initially attracted you to your husband.

Use those fun, charming moves on him when he least expects it. An unexpected compliment or smile out of the blue will do wonders.

Listen to him and laugh with him. Just as they do on his single brethren, the more he thinks you find him interesting, the more mysterious and alluring you’ll once again become to him.

Have fun and don’t take it all too seriously.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Confidence is Mother Nature's Push Up Bra

When it comes to defining your Signature Self (#5 on the WMS Must Have List) just look outside to see how it’s done.

Mother Nature is one sexy weapon of mass seduction. She's a chick who loves her unique attributes with no excuses and little compromise. She understands the perfection of imperfection. Watch and learn. Let her be your mentor.

Does her desert sister whine about the meadows getting all the flowers? Does she endlessly complain about her barren landscape or dusty tumbleweeds? No, she says “Love my sandy, cactus-strewn behind as it is because I am HOT. Here’s what I offer, find my beauty within or keep on stepping, trying to find that unattainable, perfect oasis. It's a mirage, you know.”

Does the snowy femme in her make excuses for being cold and icy?
No, she falls with gentle humility and grins as you turn breathless with the exquisite hush of her bounty. Some player haters may call her frigid, but they're the first to find themselves lying spread-eagle on her glistening white bosom gleefully making snow angels. Yeah, she's one cool number but you still can’t help but be in awe of the individuality found in each of her flakes.

Does the rose say, “Shazzam, I’d be one beautiful blossom if I didn’t have all these damn thorns. No. She says, “love me despite my bumpy stem,” and you can’t keep your nose out of her gorgeous buds.

Learn from the master.

Love your natural self in all your natural beauty. Make no excuses for your perceived imperfections. Become comfortable in your own skin—big butt, little boobs, cellulite, whatever. The reality is that you’re much more aware of them than those looking and ultimately you care about them much more than anyone else—including your man.

Take your cue from Mother Nature and emphasize your best features (we all have two or three) with your signature style, carry yourself with confidence, and then dare the world not to find you, thorns and all, absolutely FABULOUS!

What do you think?