Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas!

I had so many ideas to blog about this holiday season...Naughty or Nice...Sensual Gifts for Friends and Lovers...Rediscovering the Gift of Simple Innocence, but alas,time has slipped away and I find myself with just enough time at my computer to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. I wish you love and peace of soul this holiday season. Live sensually. Love hard!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Intimate Engagements

So last night, one of my Unleash the Sensual You classes had a reunion at an inviting shop called Intimate Engagements in Montclair, New Jersey. It's a wonderful shop that is all about sensual pleasure and a far, far cry from the usual often sleazy toy shops.

The sensuality/sexuality on display was inspiring to say the least, and by the time I got there, these girls were stocking up on everything from love coupons to lipstick vibrators.

Two of my lovely ladies had fast approaching 'intimate engagements' with new lovers and they were stocking up on items that they thought would make their first evening together "special." We're talking four arms full of games, sex dice, eye masks, kiss coupons and fantasy cards.

Wow! Was my first reaction. "Let's chat," was what came out of my mouth.

Now, if you read this blog on the regular you know that I am a true believer in the joys of toys, but contrived and kitchy sex games, not so much. So, let me share with you the advice I gave to these two special women.

Yes, every woman wants to impress a new lover. It's human nature that we want to be seen as confident, hot, sexual goddesses, but the first time is not the time to pull out the overflowing toy box. First off, men too have performance anxieties when it comes to a new lover, and the idea that you have loaded up with a basketful of 'aides' may not go over the way you imagined. Also, you don't want to put a damper on a good time because the toy experiments fail or the Kama Sutra powder causes an asthma attack or flavored oil makes his lips swell. Get to know his natural, sexual preferences before you introduce handcuffs into the game.

You want to be confident and sexual but not contrived and unimaginative. Use things like kiss coupons and sexual fantasy games as inspiration. Find interesting ideas and present them as your own (hell yes that's allowed!) and then sit down at the computer to make up your own cute coupons and invitations. Effort is sexy! You get extra hottie points when a man knows you put in time and creativity on his behalf.

What really makes sex special with you is the fact that it is with YOU. The key to a 'special' first time is to be relaxed, confident, and turned on before you even say hello. Worry that everything about you and your surrounding is sensual and touchable and then be spontaneous and have fun. Don't worry about turning him out but rather turning each other on. I told them that laughter, joy and passion beat manufactured, instructions included sex anytime.

I told them to save the vibrators and other battery operated toys for the future when the novelty of a new lover had run its course and it was necessary to introduce a little innovation into the mix. Most of all, be yourself, I told them, because (say it with me now) being yourself can never be wrong and seduce yourself and (all together) let him be an afterthought.

Intimacy begins with you and him exploring and enjoying each other. Not you, him and a blow up sheep!

What do you think?

Friday, December 5, 2008

Tis the Season for Sensuality

I am not going to lie. Two days ago there were twenty-three days left before Christmas, and I was feeling a little like Scrooge. Okay, A LOT like Scrooge.

And why wouldn't I? Like everyone else in the country, I'm walking around with the ghost of damn these holidays trailing behind me. Money is tight and looks like will only get tighter. Another year has come and gone and I still can't fit into my favorite, go-to LBD, plus my current diet supplements of pumpkin bread slathered in cream cheese and washed down with the cocktail du jour don't seem to be helping. My back is claiming its age and my everlasting wanderlust has been doused with a big fat reality check--the only check I've seen in weeks. Also the kids have written their annual Santa list (even though they are 19 and 15, I refuse to let them call it anything else!) and teenagers or not, you don't want to disappoint the little ones at Christmas. And I haven't even begun to list my brothers and sisters, their kids, my godkids and friends.

Happy holidays, my too big to get into my fav dress ass!!

(Pause for my private pity party...Bitchandmoanbitchandmoanbitchandmoan...)

But then I got a sensory reminder that has changed my entire attitude. See, what had happen was, I went to Bed Bath and Beyond armed in search of a mattress topper to aid my ailing back. Believe me, I was looking right ugly and feeling mean as the frickin' Grinch and did not give one damn. And as Cedric the Entertainer pointed out, I wished somebody would jump in front of me in line or do something equally stupid. I simply wanted to get in and out and back home before the Motrin wore off. But as soon as I walked through the sliding doors everything changed. My nostrils were welcomed with the wonderfully delicious smell of cinnamon scented pine cones. The smell literally stopped me in my tracks and with each yummy inhale I started to feel more centered and calm.

As holiday shoppers swirled around me, I stood in the middle of the aisle with my eyes closed shut and my nose open wide as smile producing memories came flooding into my mind. Taking the kids to chop down the Christmas tree. Watching the delight in their eyes as the lights went on and gave the room a soft cheery glow. Putting together toys in front of the roaring fireplace. Unwrapping each ornament and decorating the tree. Smelling the fresh pine scent and feeling the lush fir tickle my arms. The carols piped in throughout the store just added to the ambiance and before I knew it, I was smiling and actually feeling uplifted and joyful.

One big whiff and suddenly I felt all merry and bright. I mean, I still looked like a homeless woman, but now felt like a Christmas angel. I drifted through the aisles, humming the tune to Star Bright, and found my mattress pad. Then I moseyed over and picked up a couple of bags of pine cones, helped a lady in line in front of me on with her coat, who in turn gifted me with a 20% off coupon.

All this to say that once again living through my senses pulled me out of my bah humbug mood, changed my energy and gifted me to boot! And I offer you the same advice. This year has the potential to be a really hard and depressing holiday season if you allow the pressing forces outside to squeeze the joy you possess inside. Surround yourself with all the sounds, scents, tastes, sights, and textures of the season and make yourself and your family happy by treating them to the simple pleasures that really do make us feel alive and joyful.

What do you think?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

November Poll Results...Compliments

Here are the poll results for November. The question was about your ability to give and receive compliments.

54% said compliments were easy to receive and believe.

30% said compliments were difficult to receive and believe.

33% said compliments were easy to give.

3% said compliments were difficult to give.

So let me compliment the more than half of you who are living an all around complimentary life. Excellent work ladies! And also kudos to you who were happy to notice something nice about someone and comment on it.

I asked this because in a recent Unleash the Sensual You workshop I gave, I asked each woman in the workshop to stand in the middle of the circle while the others in the group gave her a compliment. You would have thought I said stand there so we could throw rocks at your head! Instead of hearing and internalizing the amazing things that stood out about them to strangers, most shut down and were visibly uncomfortable. They stood there squirming and fidgeting and screwing up their faces, wanting it to be over.

I had to ask, "So when a man comes over and says you have a great smile and you do that with your face, you are surprised that he doesn't follow through?"

If you take the time to listen, you will find that people--friends and strangers--are gifting you all the time, revealing what is unique and special about you. If you allow yourself to believe, you will find that these compliments become the cornerstone of your self-confidence.

Listen. Learn. And rejoice in your own wonderfulness!

What do you think?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Take a Kaleidoscope View of Life

I collect very few things--interesting people, suns, charm bracelets and kaleidoscopes. Okay, jewelry too, but that has less to do with any kind of empowerment or spirituality and everything to do with my sincere belief that diamonds (and sapphires and emeralds and every gem in between) are indeed a girl's best friend. But let's not go down that road today.

Kaleidoscopes come in all sizes and price ranges and are amazing works of art. For those of you not familiar with these happy phenomenons, a kaleidoscope is a tube of mirrors containing loose colored beads, pebbles or other small colored objects. The viewer looks in one end and light enters the other end, reflecting off the mirrors. Typically there are two rectangular lengthwise mirrors. Setting of the mirrors at 45° creates eight duplicate images of the objects, six at 60°, and four at 90°. As the tube is rotated, the tumbling of the colored objects presents the viewer with varying colors and patterns. Any arbitrary pattern of objects shows up as a beautiful symmetric pattern because of the reflections in the mirrors (yes, I copied this directly from the Internet--my less-than-scientific definition is simply, "magic").

Never has a little smoke and mirrors been so gorgeous (we're not counting Spanx, here!), and for me they have become a metaphor for the remarkable resilience of the human spirit and a reminder that the true beauty of this world is not only in the eye of the beholder but is a creation of positive mind over matter. They speak to me of the beauty and power of new possibilities.

So what made me write about this now? Well let's see, I had to turn down a writing assignment--an all expense paid trip to Brazil no less, because I had already made a commitment I could not change. Then my heater has been out for three days (it's 35 degrees here during the day), a writing project I thought I'd sold fell through, and like everyone else, the economy is stressing me and my family out. So I sat, hunkered down in my bed under a mountain of blankets, and tearfully picked up my new kaleidoscope. I sat for several minutes marveling at the myriad of intricate patterns and light play and felt a quick renewal of hope. Instantly, my mood lifted and my attitude brightened with each pleasurable peek inside.

These were the thoughts left with me:

Something new and lovely awaits me at every turn...Nothing stays the same but change can be exciting and beautiful...Only movement can create awe-inspiring change...Pleasure is as simple as I make it...Wonderment is a marvelous thing...If I am in the moment, opportunity lost is always replaced with an opportunity found.

So, in these trying times take a kaleidoscope view of life. Find joy and beauty where you stand, recognize that sometimes it's the simple things that can get you through the moment, and that above all, positive change is coming. Watch the video below and see if you don't find calming comfort and joy in the changing patterns.

What do you think?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Four Little Details Men Notice About Women

Here's an article I found by Rich Santos of Marie Claire magazine. Good stuff about the little things men notice--and we're not talking boobs or butt here!

They say the "devil is in the details," but the other night, my friend and I were scanning the bar and noticing minor things about women. After reflecting on our observations, I put together four small things that guys notice that they don't often point out to women. Here they are:


I study a girl's hands pretty intensely. Beautiful hands can portray daintiness and strength at the same time. I notice manicures, and complexion. I imagine what it's like to hold them. I'm not much of a hand holder, but pretty hands will turn me into a hand holder. I even watch how a girl grips things. There are definitely different objects and shapes that look amazing in a girl's hands, such as a wine glass. A wine glass has delicate curves that play off a woman's hands. When I notice fingers that are appealing tome, I imagine how those fingertips would feel.


I've mentioned hair before, so I wouldn't say it's a "little thing". But hair can do simple actions that can evoke powerful emotions. One day I ran into my friend on the way to work-the friend that wore high heels to the soccer game. One thing's for sure: this girl really knows how to take care of and do her hair. We were just talking and walking when a gust of wind blew right down the street and ran through her hair. The indescribable motion that took place in her hair was beautiful. I even noticed that a random guy we passed turned his head and looked. I didn't realize until the day was over, but seeing that gust of wind go through my friend's hair put me in a good mood the rest of the day. So, while hair is a big deal, little random moments can create big, great things.

Attitude Towards Others

When I go out to dinner with a girl, I keep a close eye on how she treats a waiter or hostess. Does she say "thanks," and generally act polite and respectful? Sometimes I feel as if I'm overly cordial to people: I wish them a nice day and always make sure to say "thanks." But, what makes a woman has to do with more than just how she treats me. A person with a beautiful personality treats everyone nicely and respectfully. It's fun to be out with a girl and watch her make people smile from afar. It makes me feel proud and lucky that I'm with her. It's already an amazing thing when I meet a girl that can brighten my days. But if this girl brightens everyone's days, then I'm even luckier.

What Does She Notice?

It's fun meeting different people because they always bring a new perspective. When I break down music I love for people, they ask how I even care about every last little sound and note that I analyze and point out to them. What little things does a woman notice or point out? If we go to a Broadway show, for example,does she notice something in the background set? Does she notice the couple in front of us that are very much in love? Does she notice that the usher hates us because we are whispering and showed up just as the lights were going down? Sure, we share big thoughts and ideas with one another, but sometimes you can learn a lot about a person just by the details they notice in life and moments. It is a fun adventure going out with someone who can laugh at and notice little things, and who always brings new insights to different situations.

Once I realized that I was noticing little things, I came to the conclusion that little simple moments are just part of overall beauty. Beauty can be defined in a collection of moments, or memories more often than it can be defined by someone's appearance.

Seeing a girl across the room, holding a wine glass with pretty hands and making people smile, or a moment in the morning where the windr uns through a girl's hair, or a girl I'm noticing someone walking by in a Members Only jacket, are simple moments that should never be taken for granted.

What is a little thing (appearance, moment or personality)that you notice in a guy that is a simple, beautiful thing?

Friday, November 7, 2008

October Poll Results...Talkin' Naughty

Here are your poll results for October. You all are some naughty little talkers. You go girls!

71% Say naughty talk is exciting for both of you

14% Say naughty talk is something you'd like to do but don't feel comfortable with

14% Say naughty talk is something you'd like him to do but don't know how to ask

0% Say naughty talk is rude and disrespectful

Naughty talk is a type of pillow talk. You can use vivid words to add to your sexual enjoyment before and during the lovemaking. Talking dirty can be anything from giving him insults, supplying him with vivid images, to whispering descriptive curse words to your guy's ear.

If you feel shy about it, consider this to be a hot little secret just between the two of you. Relax and let go. Think of it as adding a new, more adventure chapter to your love life.

The trick is to be direct (naughty talk is not about nuance) and go with the flow. If you or your lover are initially shy, begin with comments versus a running dialogue. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

1. Tell him what you're wearing under your clothing, and ask him what's under his.
2. Put on sexy lingerie (or wear none at all) and give him a tiny peek when he first sees you and no more until it's time for the entire reveal. Anticipation is a huge turn on.
3. Leave him a suggestive voice message on his cell (never on his office phone).
4. Whisper your desires in his ear while out in public.
5. Send him a text message. Short, sweet and definitely to the point.
6. Give him something to think about as he's dashing out the door for work.
7. Email him some sassy notes (again not to the company computer).

Ready for a conversation? After a glass of wine or two to lower your inhibitions, start by telling him about something he does that you enjoy and turns you on or clue him in on what body parts of his are your particular favorites. Be as descriptive as possible. Don't worry about being embarrassed, in fact use it to your advantage. Whisper it in his ear so you don't have to look him in the eye. Believe me, the images you conjure up will cause a reaction that is bound to get your confidence flowing!

If a little dirty talk floats your boat, don't be afraid to suggest it. Men really want to please their lovers, so ask him to tell you what turns him on. Get him going by asking questions like, "Would you like to touch my (you fill in what you want touched)?" You'll not only learn about what's arousing your partner most, but you can also subtly direct the conversation to suit your desires, be they kinky or romantic.

Sometime all talk is all the action you need!

What do you think?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Owning It!

We all know somebody who we admire (and envy) not for her great body or amazing skin or to-die-for style or her ability to speak to anyone in the room. No, I'm talking about the friend or acquaintance who has the uncanny ability to say NO, and not lose one iota of her charm and magnetism or walk away steeping in guilt.

Traditionally, women have been raised to be accommodating and helpful to others. And a lot of us think that somehow saying "no" is rude, mean, or uncaring. But just because someone doesn't want to be told "no" doesn't make it a bad thing to say.

How much simpler and joyful our lives would be if we ceased trying to please others at the detriment of our own peace of soul and happiness. If we decided to not only accept ourselves in all of our perfect imperfection but to own ourselves with no apology or explanation.

Owning yourself is all about living the power and pleasure of your own truth. Determining for yourself what is proper and moral and right is truly sexy and honest and the most truthful way of living of all. As long as you are living the Universal truths of finding joy, doing no harm, giving and accepting love, combined with those religious beliefs that make you feel right with your God, you are owning IT and yourself in a right and proper way. And that's being scandalous in all the right ways!

The key to owning IT is to understand at your core that "being yourself can never be wrong." This is not to say that you are perfect or that you can't ever make mistakes or incorrect judgments. It is about realizing that even with all your flaws, you are still fundamentally a strong, beautiful being just as you are and that there is no room in a confidently sensual woman's life for making excuses for things she can not or chooses not to change because she understands that these are the things tht make her who she is.

So here are the basic steps towards self ownership:

1) Understand who you are at your core. We've been talking about this since the first blog entry as we sought to help you define your uniqueness through your core senses and personality traits. Knowing who you are enables you to embrace who you are instead of who you want to be.

2) Accept and get comfortable with yourself on this level. Accepting your core and being comfortable with it provides a solid foundation for you to build upon as you work to bring into balance the sides of you that exist but have not been fully realized. Body, mind and soul put yourself on the list of people you unconditionally love.

3) Make an effort on a daily basis to find ways to assert your self ownership. Even if it means starting by eliminating the words, "I'm sorry to bother you but" or agreeing to do something for someone you don't want to do or don't have time to do.

4) Set boundaries. Boundaries give you the emotional and physical space to be yourself without others telling you how to think, feel or act. It is vitally important to own your own voice and the right to speak up for yourself. Set up clearly defined limits for those you love (who can sometimes be the most difficult) and those you don’t, and recognize that denying yourself in an effort to please others, has the exact opposite effect. Ultimately, no one is pleased or happy.

Remember to know YOU, is to love YOU.

What do you think?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Sexy Halloween

I've received several emails in response to my October flirt tip. You've been asking for some sexy costume suggestions. Glad to hear you're planning you own trick for treats celebration. Here are a few suggestions and a link for some online shopping.

Consider dressing as a dirty martini (serve it up shaken AND stirred); a sexy witch (hello my pretty); sexy cupid (shoot me with your best shot); sexy soldier (come find my weapons of mass seduction); sexy flight attendant (mile high club, anyone?); sexy boxer (float like a butterfly; sting like a bee) or a sexy ref (no harm, no foul).

Check out for everything but the martini. That can be found at

The Rise of Fall

This blog is written specifically to all of you lovelies ages 40 and up. However, if you fall under this age group, please continue reading. There's nothing better than having knowledge of what's ahead.

Okay, so this weekend I'm doing the soccer mom thing and travel up to Williams College in Massachusetts with my husband and daughter to see my son play. It was a four hour drive from my home in New Jersey and to be perfectly honest, I was not looking forward to the drive.

But then we got off the New York Thruway and started down all these two lane county roads. Can I tell you, it proved to one of the most delicious servings of eye candy I've had in a long time. Between the blue sky, flame colored leaves, the crisp fall air and every now and again the whiff of burning wood, topped off with my favorite iPod playlist, this trip had become a truly sensory delight.

Be assured, there is no better artist than Mother Nature.

Anyway, I am in complete awe and silent rapture as I am taking in all of this breathtaking loveliness, and then my husband says, "It's too bad they look the best right before they're going to die." To which my daughter says, "I know, the leaves really do get prettier as they get older."

I didn't say a word because I'm in my seat thinking, I'm like those trees--vibrant, colorful, and beautiful standing out among the evergreens. I didn't verbalize my thoughts because one, they wouldn't understand, and two, this was a deep and important 'ah ha' moment. It was a quiet declaration that I needed to acknowledge and internalize in order to fuel my fabulosity into this next stage of my life.

If you read this blog, you know that I turned fifty five months ago. And though I've been pretty cool about it, I've had my moments of 'damn, I'm old.' Well, this weekend, among all that lovely fiery foliage I made peace with the fact that I am indeed in the autumn of my life. And you know what? I'm totally fine with it. True my body now has more in common with my senior mother than my teenage daughter, and true I've had to reduce my four inch heel time from 'all day, everyday' to time 'on the cocktail circuit' but those spring chicken accouterments pale in comparison to the bevy of beautiful smarts I've garnered through these first two seasons of my life.

My leaves may not be that young, fresh to the world green any more, but that's okay, my spirit is and that's what keeps me full of curiosity and gives me my sense of adventure. And now my limbs may be a little less springlike, but are still bursting full of character and uniqueness. I don't have to hide in the forest anymore because I'm uncertain of who I am or what the world may think of me. I stand out among the trees because I am comfortable in my colorfulness and gorgeous sense of self. Little saplings, that's the great thing about being grown and fabulous flora: With age comes wisdom and the confidence of knowing that being yourself can never be wrong.

And being the fine fall foliage I am, I am not about to get caught up in the 'if I only knew then what I know now' regret. That's a pile of crap. I'm going to look back on the spring and summer seasons of my life and bid them a fond farewell, relish the memories I can remember (LOL) and take everything I know now and create some absolutely scandalous, girl-can-you-believe-I-did-that-wouldn't-change-a-thing, new memories.

So, my fellow fall femmes, you know that saying, "Can't see the forest for the trees?" Well, that's us. We're the trees, busy living our colorful and vibrant autumns out loud while the rest of the forest stays green with envy!

What do you think?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Chemistry Counts Part II

In Part I of the chemistry question I told you that, "I encounter other SU students who recognize that they are not sexually compatible with their lovers but hang in anyway, hoping things will change or convincing themselves that it doesn't really matter, all the while setting themselves and their relationships up for outside interference."

Sad but true.

I know that the notion of not being sexually compatible with the one you love is not only upsetting but painful as well. But as with everything else, I am a true advocate of facing the truth, particularly your individual truth. The truth that is based on your unique set of values, circumstances, and relationships.

First of all, it is important to understand that sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility are two very different things. It's when the two work in tandem that time spent between the sheets goes far beyond simply satisfactory. But sadly, having a lot of sexual chemistry with someone does not guarantee that the two of you will be sexually compatible.

Think of it this way. I love bacon and I love chocolate, but together not so much. The idea of the two may be intriguing and maybe even a little tempting but once brought together the combination does absolutely nothing for me.

Sexual compatibility is about whether you and your lover "fit" together on many levels--frequency, intensity, temperament, technique, etc. These and more all play a part of your compatibility and no matter how much you love somebody, you'll have a difficult time moving past the problems sexual incompatibility creates in your relationship if you do not deal with it. Problems that crop up from build up resentment and anger. Problems like infidelity or divorce--his or yours.

Granted, we all can have an off-night or a span of weeks or even months where our health or situations cause our sexual chemistry to suffer. Don't panic and take this as a sign that you've permanently lost your mojo. Be clear about communicating what's going with you to your partner, get through the issues that are blocking your desire and then climb back to bed with bells on!

However, if you find yourself have sex that is less than perfect or downright unappealing more often than you would like, the worst thing to you can do is ignore the problem and hope that it will get better in time or just go away.

Sometimes not connecting sexually is a symptom of other things not going well in your relationship. Often when when things are going poorly in the bedroom it's because things outside the bedroom need fixing, but sometimes things are good in every other aspect of your partnership but your chemistry is off. Either way, is a sign of other things not being quite right. So it’s definitely worthwhile exploring together what could make that sexual connection better.

The only way to get to the bottom of this is to be honest with first yourself, and then your lover. We women have a bad habit of not acknowledging our sexual wants and needs to ourselves, let alone our partners. We expect our men not only to know what we want, but when and how! This is because very few of us have any pride of ownership or take responsibility for our own sexual selves. We are our own victims when it comes to being sexually satisfied because we have bought into the idea that we are sexual servants, that it is our responsibility to make sure that our man is satisfied and happy. Hell, even with the best of 'masters' that crap gets old fast, particularly when it is at the expense of our own satisfaction.

So, know what you want and how you want it, and gently, lovingly and honestly communicate these needs. Don't make him feel like a failure, but let him know it has been your fault that you haven't communicated these needs to him. Ask and be willing to listen to his needs and wants and accommodate when and where you feel comfortable. Start your sexual live together over, rewriting the rules to work with who you both are today. This may very well include redefining exactly what 'sex' is for the two of you. (More on this subject soon)

Addressing this often touchy subject as partners, not adversaries, is the only way that you will learn how to really please each other in bed. The good news is that often two people can work through these issues with enough honest communication or with the help of professional guidance.

What do you think?

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

September Poll Results...Chemistry Counts

Last month's poll was on the concept of sexual chemistry. For the most part, poll results were fairly predictable, and happily, it seems the majority of you are doing just fine in the laboratory of love! I did think the percentage of those linking chemistry to relationship viability would be higher. I'll explain why below.

First, here are the results to September's poll question: I think chemistry in a relationship is something that:

53% said chemistry is something you know you have immediately

51% said chemistry keeps a relationship viable

12% said chemistry takes time to develop and build

7% said chemistry it is overrated because respect and affection is more durable

2% said chemistry is something you wish your relationship had more of

I decided to ask this question because I often have Stiletto U students who don't know or who are reluctant to recognize the importance of chemistry between themselves and a potential or current partner.

So what is sexual chemistry?

Sexual chemistry is that undeniable attraction that is felt on an unspoken level between two people, even before any type of relationship has started. You know that delicious feeling you get towards someone who makes you twirl your hair and bite your lip. It's that exchange of energy that makes you feel giddy and light and has you daydreaming aboutwhat he's like in bed while he's trying to patiently explain to you the difference between a lager and an ale.

There is no denying that sex between two people with great chemistry is exhilarating. Lovers with red-hot chemistry tend to respond to each other with amazing intensity, and are in the moment with each other, enjoying every minute of the experience mind AND body. Great sexual chemistry ebbs and flows in time but the attraction remains constant.

But let's not forget that sexual chemistry also encompasses the compatibility of two people are once they're actually having sex. And like most things, the way women and men look at sexual chemistry can be very different. Most women tend to see it as a foundation upon which to build a relationship, while men are more hard wired to look at great chemistry as the predictor of steamy sex. And women are much more likely than men to connect sexual chemistry with love.

What I hear often is that a woman has great sexual chemistry with a guy but then after a few months, things fizzle out. By that time she's thinking she's made a love connection and is confused why things didn't work out. Largely I find, this is because she is focused on the sexual attraction and willfully ignoring the issues outside the bedroom. And yet, because sex is so good between them she has a difficult time recognizing the truth and moving on because she has indeed equated this chemistry with love.

On the other hand, I encounter other SU students who recognize that they are not sexually compatible with their lover but hang in anyway, hoping things will change or convincing themselves that it doesn't really matter, all the while setting themselves and their relationships up for outside interference. (More on sexual incompatibility next time.)

Bottom line: Sexual chemistry is vital in keeping a relationship strong and viable. At the same time there are levels of intensity, all which are fine as long as they match your lover' other words, as long as you are sexually compatible in your chemical reaction to each other firing up the love lab should not be a problem.

What do you think?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

5 Myths About Sex After 50

Hi All,

I apologize for my lack of content lately but I am under several deadlines at the moment. To fill in between my blog entries, I'll be sharing with you interesting articles by other thoughtful folks who believe in love and the pursuit of sensual happiness. Below is a great piece by Sari Locker, PH.D. Learn and enjoy!

Whether you've been single for a while or are just getting back into the dating scene, you probably have a few ideas about what your love life should be like at this age. Maybe you've even joked to yourself, "What love life? Aren't I too old to act like a hormonal teenager?" But the truth is, these years can bring on your very best sexual experiences. To show you how, I've laid out some of the most common misconceptions about sex at this age, and explained where faulty logic may lead you astray. Keep these reality checks in mind and plenty of satisfying experiences await.

Myth #1: If you're having sex with someone, you can assume it's serious

You may remember back in high school when, after three dates, you were officially a committed couple. But times have changed. Today, even if you've been dating and/or sleeping with someone for months, you can never assume you're exclusive -- or, for that matter, that your one-and-only is dying to find a life partner and settle down. Many 50-somethings want to date around, especially if they're divorced and experiencing single life again for the first time in years. So, don't get so caught up in the excitement of your new romance that you let this crucial detail slide. Many people find that the best time to pop the question is once it becomes clear that you may soon start having sex. If that's your case, consider saying it this way: "Before we sleep together, I need to know this relationship is exclusive." Or if you've already crossed that line, it's completely fine to pull back and say, "I'm not comfortable continuing to sleep with you unless we're in a committed relationship." That way, you're both clear on your expectations and won't be blindsided by surprises.

Myth #2: You're too old to worry about STDs
Just because the risk of pregnancy is gone after menopause doesn't mean you're in the clear when it comes to having unprotected sex. Sexually transmitted diseases can be passed from partner to partner at any age and aren't merely something younger generations need to worry about. According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 23 percent of the total diagnoses of HIV in the past year were in men and women who were 45 or older. Overall, about 10 percent of all people with AIDS in the U.S. are age 50 and older. And that's not all there is to watch out for -- herpes, HPV, Chlamydia, and other ailments are all surprisingly common in this age group. So make sure to use condoms and consider both getting tested before you jump into action.

Myth #3: Your aging body is no longer as attractive as it once was

Sure, many of today's most prevalent sex symbols -- Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and Justin Timberlake -- are young. Still, there are plenty of celebrities over 50 -- Goldie Hawn, Susan Sarandon, and Sean Connery, to name a few -- who prove that people can be hot at any age. So stop worrying about your wrinkles, gray hair and less-than-youthful assets and revel in the ways age has made you even more seductive: Now, more than ever, you're in touch with your turn-ons, turn-offs, and what makes you tick. And that's very attractive! Plus, take a cue from some of those older hotties I mentioned by staying fit, getting a new hairstyle, or splurging on a new outfit or two to feel fabulous and up-to-date. Also, if you are meeting someone, forgo the sedentary dinner date and ask this person to go on a walk or dancing instead. Revving your energy like this can boost your body image and pave the way to a lustier post-date encounter.

Myth #4: Sex should feel the same as it did when you were younger

It's a fact of life: Sex is going to feel different as you age. Post-menopausal women lubricate less, which can make sex uncomfortable. Men over 50 may find that their erections are not as firm or frequent as they were when they were younger. This is all normal, and in no way means you can't enjoy yourself by making some adjustments. Consider getting a water-based lubricant (many are available at drugstores) to help out where nature has left off. Men, see a doctor to find out if Viagra or a similar medication will give you the boost you may need. But products and prescriptions are not the only solutions. When the action's lagging, consider switching from intercourse to oral sex or asking each other, "What can I do to make you feel good?" Keep the lines of communication open, and you'll easily adapt to your body's changes and those of your partner.

Myth #5: By this point, you know what you like -- and should stick to it

Think you've been there, done that with all things sexual and have a good handle on what floats your boat in bed? Guess again: People's tastes and turn-ons change through the years, and sometimes, the only way to figure out what works is to try it -- or, if you already did decades ago, give it a second chance. Maybe sex toys seemed silly or embarrassing to you during your younger years. Now, however, they are an array of cute, non-threatening products available in non-sleazy stores and online sites (like Or, maybe you were never a fan of a certain sex position (like woman on top) or activity (like talking dirty). Well, now's the time to reconsider. It sure beats doing the same old, same old for the next few decades. Treat sex like the ongoing adventure it should be, and the fun will never end!

Dr. Sari Locker, Ph.D., is a sex educator, TV personality, and author of the bestseller, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex. She has an M.S. in sex education and a Ph.D. in psychology, and was the host of Late Date with Sari on Lifetime Television.
Her website is

Monday, September 15, 2008

Thigh Highs and Other Self-Starters

It's amazing how having a fifteen year old daughter who is on the cusp of discovering her own sensuality/sexuality makes you step back and take a look at your own. It's also amazing how so much of these discussions begin because the girl is once again pilfering in your damn closet.

Okay, so I'm downstairs in my office writing and from above I hear, "Mom, just how many thigh high pairs of boots do you own?"

Damn! Why can't this girl stay out of my stuff? If I find one more post-it stuck to something saying, 'Sorry, I'll get this fixed' or 'I'll get you a new one,' my son is going to be an only child, but that's a different post.

So I take the stairs two at a time, not an easy feat on a spiral staircase, but the need for speed is great because frankly, tall boots make great storage space for other things, (if you know what I mean) and I'm just not in the mood to tackle a discussion on things that go buzz in the night. I get to my closet and thank goodness, she's not ventured into the trying on stage.

"Why are you in my closet?"

"Why do you need three pairs of *thigh high boots? You're old."

I wanted to tell her to kiss my loving ass, but I don't because apparently you aren't suppose to say those kind of things to your children, but I damn sure screamed in my head--hard and loud. I didn't bother to tell her that I've had some of those boots nearly as long as I've had her because that only seemed to go to her 'you're old' argument. Nor did I tell her that at 50, I too had begun to question whether I was too old to wear such fashion, but that after seeing style expert Lloyd Boston's appropriately fabulous mother (I interviewed him for a magazine article and she was there)who well into her sixties was rocking some thigh high suede boots, I knew I could still hang.

So I told her the truth, "Because I like them."

Apparently after she was denied access to them and any other pair of my shoes (I'm still waiting for her to have the heels fixed on one of my favorite pair that she broke while practicing her America's Next Top Model stroll) she lost interest and went back to her world, leaving me in my closet trying on my old friends.

My legs and feet are my other best features. Yeah, boobs,legs and feet. (It's all the other stuff in between that gets a little shaky, but I digress.) So as every WMS should do, I tend to wear things that play them up. My skirts hit me in the right place, usually 1 to 3 inches from the knee and I always wear heels, which make them look longer give them nice definition.

And one day I discovered thigh high stockings. As with most things, I stumbled on the stockings and their sex appeal. Years ago, I decided to try them because I absolutely hate pantyhose. They are constricting and they always add another roll around my middle--the last thing my six pack abs(of jello) needed. So fast forward, I put them on with a cocktail dress and at one point in the evening my skirt flipped revealing the top of the stocking. Let's just say my husband's reaction was telling...and I liked it. They brought out my bad girl and made me feel daring and bold AND they solved my pantyhose issue. SEXY and awesome combination!

Well, natch, the boots followed. They cause the same reaction and the wonderful thing is they do so with whatever I am wearing. Whether I wear the flat pair with a tunic and leggings or the heels with the tops hiding under my skirt hem only to reveal a little skin when I sit, I get a positive reaction and that makes me feel great. But it really doesn't matter if nobody notices because I do and act accordingly.

So the moral of this story is: Find what makes you feel good and daring and sexy and rock it. But don't necessarily LOOK for them, sometimes the best things FIND you. Be in tune with yourself and recognize when something flips the switch and then own the look and work it. And it doesn't have to be anything overtly sexy, just something that is sexy to you. This way they become authentic props to your sensual self and not something you put on (come on, say it with me now) you want to PLAY sexy.

Oh, and the other truth to this story: Don't let any young thing, even if she does belong to you, question your feminine confidence. Remember: they may have the shiny and new equipment, but don't have the slightest idea what to do with it. It's the seasoning that comes with a little wear and tear that really makes a woman sexy--even if she can tuck her boobs in her thigh high boots!

What do you think?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Remember the Lessons

This is a tough day for me and my family. My husband was a former employee of Cantor Fitzgerald, one of the companies hardest hit in the 9-11 attack. My brother was stationed at the Pentagon at that time. Gratefully, both of my loved ones were spared, but that day we lost so many friends who throughout the years had expanded the quality of our lives with their own.

So every year I light a candle and sit and watch the memorial waiting for their names to be called and remember the things about them that make me smile and inspire me. I'm grateful for each of their legacies because they remind me of the lessons I learned from this horrible time and have carried with me since. They are are simple but profound:

1) Life is too short to waste it worry about what other people think of me or think I should do with my life.

2) Declaring and showing my love is more important than simply feeling it.

3) Appreciation and gratitude for what I already have trumps the regret for what I don't.

4) Desire for something different is the mark of growth not selfishness.

5) Living and being alive are two very different things.

6) Settling is not an option.

What lessons did you learn? It's not too late to recognize and incorporate them into your life. Turn this tragedy into a positive learning experience and bless the men, women and children who perished that day. Thank them for helping you understand that life is meant to be lived and the time to start is now. And then do just that. Live.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Unearthing Your Sensual Man

For those of us women who have discovered the power and pleasure of living sensuously, trying to enroll our families, particularly our men, into the lifestyle can be a challenge. Most of us would argue that the men in our lives, while great, are not necessarily the sensitive, let-me-stop-and-sniff-the-flowers types. But not so fast.

It is amazing how often we are wrong about what men do and don’t like. And while it’s true you may not get him to walk with you and be awed to tears by the natural beauty that surrounds him, don’t think for a moment that men, no matter how macho, don’t appreciate the experience of living sensually. I emphasize the word ‘experience’ because conceptually, sensuality is not on the conscious radar of the vast majority of men. But you’d be hard pressed to find one that won’t enjoy it when he’s in the midst of your sensual world.

In other words, in order to unearth your sensual man, you may first have to bring the pleasure of sensuous living to him and not be concerned that initially he may not even realize what’s happening. But believe me, before long most of you will see little changes taking place that indicate his transformation.

As pointed out previously, living through your five senses is all about pleasure. Here are a few ideas to help you enroll your family into your sensual world.

1. Turn your environment into a sensual wonderland. If you can’t work on your entire home, start with your bedroom and make it an oasis for relaxation, pleasure and passion. Your makeover can be as simple or as elaborate as you can afford, but even with only a few changes, you can make it a space where your man and his senses are tantalized and seduced. Keep four out of your five senses in mind (taste in this instance has only to do with style, but make sure that his tastes are included!).

2. Savor mealtime. At least once a week, treat yourself and your mate to some sensual dining. Make your meals scrumptious by incorporating assorted textures and tastes, and serve them in a visually pleasing manner. Candles, flowers, and table linens go a long way in helping to make meals more a true dining experience. Take the time to taste and enjoy every bite as you savor your meal and the company of your loved ones. And when possible, include him in the cooking process. Don't just make him your sous chef for the sake of the extra kitchen help--taste and tantalize while cooking up the idea of 'dessert' while you're working--if you know what I mean!

3. Be in the moment and draw him into it with you. As you witness and savor the sensual world around you, share your discoveries and delights with your husband. Happiness and gratitude are contagious. Let him see the new enthusiasm for the beauty of life as you find it and before you know it, he’ll be noticing a few things on his own.

What do you think?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

August Poll Result...I Am Fine as I Am

Here are your poll results for the month of August. I'm happy to report that you all are some awesomely secure women.

11% of you said you'd rather be sexy than smart.

6% of you said you'd rather be rich rather than be in love.

16% of you said you'd rather be happy than beautiful.

4% of you said you'd rather be a man eater than a wife

60% of you said you were fine just as you were.

As I am so fond of saying, being yourself can never be wrong, and the majority of you are on your way to working YOU to the ultimate.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Survey on Size

I'm still on vacation but this caught my eye and I wanted to share this survey with you. More proof that we put so much pressure on ourselves to be what we THINK men want, when the reality is so much different.

BY Lux Alptraum

Women are taught from an early age that being skinny is the way to be. Thin is in, skinny is attractive — and having that hot, fashionable body will always get you the boys. Right?

Well, maybe not. The UK’s Fabulous Mag recently conducted a “Fabulous Body Survey,” asking (presumably heterosexual) men and women about their ideal female body type. While the women stated a preference for a body around size 8 (US size 6), men were more interested in a slightly curvier size 12 (US size 10). Granted, both “ideal” bodies come in smaller than the average UK woman (who’s apparently a size 16 (US size 14)) — but at least this provides a little (more) proof that fashion magazines don’t always know what’s up.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Hot Fun in the Summertime: Sexcations

As we wind down the dog days of summer, I thought I'd do a few posts on summer lovin', just to help you make the end of summer a sizzler. Today we're talking about taking a sexcation.

A WMS sexcation is a variation on the currently very popular staycation. These days with skyrocketing fuel costs and tight family budgets, vacation plans have fallen to the wayside for many of us. This is such a shame because one great reason to go on vacation is because you'll have better sex than you would at home. Seriously.
It's been scientifically proven!

According to research from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction, the reason couples don't have a lot of sex at home is because in our normal lives, we get stressed out. And anxiety doesn't exactly put us in the mood (this is especially true for women). On the other hand, when you're in a good mood, you're more likely to be frisky.

Think about it. How often do you have sex when you're at home? What about when you're on vacation? And when is the last time you and your beloved spent the day/weekend in bed simply being lovers ? Pushing aside your relationship roles and simply enjoying the carnal pleasure of being with each other.
The kids are in camp or off to grandma''s time for you to treat each other to a little sexcation.

You need not go far, but if possible, try to take it out of the house. Check into local hotel with the intent of seeing very little of it besides the room, except maybe the pool. A flirtatious frolic in the pool is a great break that will help keep you in the mood.

A few suggestions:

1) Pick a hotel within your budget, preferably one that has room service. Many hotels offer romance packages that include champagne, chocolates and other amenities that literally help give you a little more bang for your buck. If you choose to stay at home, make sure you create an environment conducive to romance. Clean it, spritz it, make it a sensual wonderland for your weekend, and stock the cupboards with easy eats that can become part of the sexcation experience.

2) Just like any vacation, prepare accordingly. Days before your escapde, refrain from having actual sex but definitely keep sex on the brain. Flirt, tease, kiss, self-pleasure. This is a perfect time to create your sexipe box (see August flirt tip)and will give you some sightseeing activities to look forward to! This also makes it clear that this is a vacation built on mutual pleasure.

3) Pack light, this is definitely a clothing optional vacation. Bring with you anything that you find comfortable and makes you feel sexy and desirable, and most importantly, bring a fun and spontaneous attitude. Pack up your sensual trick bag...candles (best that you bring votives where the flame is low so you don't risk starting a fire), massage oils, sexy music (think about including one of those ocean soundtracks, great for creating a island mood), maybe a little bedtime reading.

4) A sexcation is a perfect opportunity to reconnect on an intimate level but don't ruin it by having unrealistic sexpectations. Like I've said before, anticipate everything but expect nothing. Don't put pressure on yourself to put on some kind of porn star performance this vacation, but rather look at this like you would any themed opportunity to explore and learn, to relax and be spontaneous, to laugh and enjoy each other, to rediscover each other in a pleasurable environment.

What do you think?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

July Poll Results

The poll question for July was: What makes Angelina Jolie so hot? Here are the results.

15% of you say it's because she's beautiful.

2% of you say it's because she's benevolent.

10% of you say it's because she's bold.

44% of you say it's because she's all of the above.

34% of you say who says she's hot?

I do have to say that I am in the majority camp. I find myself fascinated by Angelina for a myriad of reasons. I think, however, if I had to nail it down to one, I think ultimately it's her boldness. Check out my blog entry on being scandalous (August 6, 2007) and you'll understand my point of view.

Whether you love her or are part of the 34% who don't get what all the hype is about, take a minute to interview yourself about what exactly about her that attracts or repels you. I think you'll find that she, like other women who you admire or love to hate, spotlight the qualities within yourself that you possess but do not yet own.

What do you think?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Ten Aphrodisiacs

Do you want to look hot, feel hot? Do you feel the need for an aphrodisiac? defines an aphrodisiac as an “agent which is used in the belief that it increases sexual desire”.

The term was derived from the name of the Greek goddess of sensuality: Aphrodite. Basically, the role of an aphrodisiac is to make sex mor attainable and pleasurable. According to experts, however, there is no such thing as a true aphrodisiac.

But who cares? Whether or not there’s a medical basis that there are foods which actually help to increase your sexual desire (physically or mentally), we shouldn’t take the fun out of choosing aphrodisiacs which have a positively orgasmic effect!

The keywords for our top 10 aphrodisiac picks are sexual awakening, sensual pleasures, glands stimulator, and senses-teaser. Here goes:

10. Whipped Cream

I know, I know… there’s no medical evidence that whipped cream is an aphrodisiac which increases your libido. But just think of all the ‘naughty’ places where you can lick whipped cream off it certainly will get you hot!

9. Chocolate

Whether it is the melted variety or the deep, dark chocolate gorging on these sumptuous treats would surely heat things up in bed. Chocolate provides a quick boost of energy, especially for women who produce four times as many endorphins after eating chocolate as compared to the endorphins that they produce after a mind boggling kiss!

8. Oysters

This is a given oysters physically resemble the female organ, which is probably why some men find them so visually stimulating. Also, oysters are high in zinc so they help improve your lover’s sexual potency. Good, huh?

7. Celery

Celery contains a male hormone called androsterone which in turn arouses women’s sexuality. It has been liberally used by ancient Romans in their cooking as an aphrodisiac.

6. Banana

There’s more to a banana being an aphrodisiac than its phallic shape. This fruit contains bromelain which stimulates a man’s libido.

5. Peaches

The appearance of plump, juicy and mouth-watering peaches already provides a highly sexual image. Aside from that, these luscious fruits have vitamin A which in turn produces healthy, touchable skin - the largest erogenous zone in the human body!

4. Shrimps or Fillet Mignon

This is basically for all the men out there who want to improve their staying power in bed. Shrimps or prawns actually increase their sperm level and leads to more powerful orgasms. Fillet mignon, on the other hand, is high in protein which helps increase your ‘alertness and assertiveness’ in bed.

3. Ginseng

The component which helps Ginseng increase your energy, vitality and sexual enjoyment is ginsenoside. Look for energy drinks with Ginseng to help perk you up right before tangling the sheets.

2. Caviar

Treat yourself and your lover to a hot night of love with caviar. Eggs are a symbol of fertility - and caviar is packed with 47 vitamins and minerals to produce all the energy that you need in bed.

1. Red Wine

What better way to end our list that with a celebratory toast of red wine? Not only is red wine good for the heart - it’s also rich in resveratrol, a form of antioxidant which increases estrogen production. The result? Heightened sexual appetite.

Just make sure to slowly sip your wine and not drink it too fast (it can lead to drowsiness, which will ruin your night!). Licking it off in erogenous body parts is a great idea, too. =)

Some ‘Weird’ Aphrodisiacs which Deserve an Honorable Mention:

• Asparagus
• Devil’s Soup
• Maca
• Muira Puama
• Rhino Horn
• Spanish Fly
• Yohimbine
• Turtle Eggs
• Tribulus
• Truffles

What are you waiting for? Shop now and stock up on these aphrodisiac foods. Add in some scented candles, sensual oils and you’re ready for one sizzling night with that special man in your life!

This article comes from the site

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Q & A When To Trust My Nagging Voice

Q: Lori, 13 years ago I dated an up & coming politician, who I really liked, but the sex between us was awkward and stiff. He ended the relationship because he was "not ready for a family. Recently, he tracked me down through my mom, saying he regrets what happened. Long story short, we spent five days in Miami and had some of the absolutely best sex of my life--tantric, intense intimacy, hours of kissing. I felt so alive and vibrant.

Here's the issue: He is not available. He is separated from his wife, but I don't detect that it is over for them. Anyway, he seems quite smitten and would like to maintain contact. I am thinking that our week in Miami was my attempt to show him exactly what he walked away from, but I am still intrigued and very excited.

What think you???...throw caution to the wind, go with my feelings and allow the relationship to unfold? My nagging voice is saying I really just wanted revenge so should just walk away.

A: Wow! Sounds like you had a hot time in Miami! I'm thrilled that you are still feeling solidly sensual and owning yourself like never before.

I always say go with your intuition. I'm wondering if the thrill you are feeling is more about you really test driving the new, more confident Bella than a potential relationship. Was the sex amazing because you are now free to enjoy it on your own terms or because it was with him? My bet is that at this point, it is the former not the latter.

If your inner voice is actually nagging, it's guiding you towards truth. Let it go. Carry that scandalous feeling with you and keep yourself open to meeting a man who is available. And guess what? You have the right, and the obligation to yourself, to let him know that you don't play seconds. If he really is smitten, he'll get things straight at home (for himself not you) and approach you again able to discover and explore.

In full disclosure, Bella, is a former Stiletto U student.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Follow Up to Smart and Sexy

This was a comment about my last blog, left by "Analytical Annie"

"Interesting and timely comments I am curious and would love to know more about the comment below.

"Fall back on your good girl and let her innocence be your ticket to the smart and sexy new you. I don't know a man alive who can resist the request that he be the one to turn you out."

Why is it that "no man alive can resist"? What is it about innocence that men can't resist? Given that so much emphasis is placed on being experienced this is curious.

Well, 'Annie', thanks for the comment and here is my follow up.

First, don't confuse the word 'innocence' with 'disinterest','insecurity' or 'fear'. Just because a girl (and I mean a girl at any age) has a virtuous patina about her, does not mean that she still isn't curious, adventurous, eager and willing to add a few new moves to her sexual repertoire.

Secondly, don't let yourself be fooled by the societal emphasis placed on being experienced. True, we are no longer living in times where a man expects to marry a virgin, at the same time, times haven't changed that much that men are looking for a, hmmm, how can I put this, a girl with a headboard full of notches going for her. Yes, I will concede the point that most men want a seasoned woman, but seasoned does not mean sauteed, flipped, rolled, baked and fried!!

Based on my research, what men value more than experience is passion, energy, and confidence. Passion reserved for him. Passion that lets him know that there is no other man you could possibly desire at this particular moment. Energy displayed that lets him know that you are enjoying yourself being with him and that he is pleasing you. And the confidence to let him know what you like and dislike (so he can please you) as well as confidence in your own appearance and performance.

Women are so wrong thinking that all men are looking for porn star lovers. Now, don't get me wrong, most certainly would love to have the opportunity to experience such a night, but guess what? In the long run most are not interested in a long-term relationship with one. And don't ever underestimate a man's performance anxieties, despite whatever bravado they emit. The idea of having to please Nympho Nadine on the regular can be off putting to the common man!

And to go back the questions asked, there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting to your lover that there is something you don't know or want to be better at when it comes to your sexual performance. When you combine your lovely innocent good girl, with a little bad girl tutoring from your man, naughty can be awfully nice!

What do you think?

Monday, July 7, 2008

Q & A : I'm Very Smart...Sexy Not So Much

Thanks for all of your questions. I've decided to make July Q & A month. My goal is to make this blog not only entertaining but helpful, so please keep the questions and comments coming.

Here are two similar queries sent to me this week. I have taken my thoughts and combined them into one answer.

Q1: I'm intellectually sexy. Translation: I'm sexy only in my own head. Men appreciate my smarts but seem to be more intimidated than turned on. How do I turn my sexy thoughts into action without being a dummy? B from Maryland

Q2: Lori, I need help! I'm a control freak. When I'm in a relationship I have to control everything from what we do on a date to how we have sex. At first the men seem to like it but then the inevitable happens--they leave and I'm alone--again. Why am I like this and what can I do to change? S from Georgia

When you peel back the layers, my guess is that you both are dealing with the same issue--insecurity about your own, as Kimora Lee Simmons coined it, "fabulosity." When your confidence level is low in any area, there is a tendency to hide behind whatever you can, in this case intellect or to the need to dictate things so life works to your strengths and your weaknesses rarely have a chance to fail you.

But ultimately you come to the realization that neither hiding nor controlling work in the long run. The only way to effectively move through this limiting behavior is to gently deal with them head-on with self-love. So to both of you, I offer this advice.

Be the student. B, anyone as smart as you and who has used her intelligence as her calling card, admitting you DON'T know or CAN'T figure something out is maddening, especially when it comes to sex. You're right to not want to dumb your beautiful self down, but now you are realizing that brains are only part of your sexy package, and that any woman with a brain knows how to make her smarts work for her.

Part of being truly intelligent is knowing when to let go of the leadership position and assume the student/follower role for a minute. By doing this, you let go of the pressure of having to know everything, and get to explore without boundaries. Fall back on your good girl and let her innocence be your ticket to the smart and sexy new you. I don't know a man alive who can resist the request that he be the one to turn you out.

And when it comes to sex, remember you can't paint on a coat of freaky sex goddess. It has to be genuine and come from within. Sex is as individual as the people that have it. Some days it will be hot and horny, other times it will be silly and fun or loving and romantic. Don't intellectualize it. Just go with the flow and enjoy it all.

This same advice goes for you, S. The need to control comes down to fear and in many cases, it's being fearful of losing your power. When you are in control you feel powerful, but power by domination is way different than being truly empowered.

I'd ask you to first, eliminate the words 'failure' and 'expectation' from your vocabulary. When you are afraid to fail, you are too often afraid to try. And when you try to control a person or situation with expectations of how things must go, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. When you expect a situation, event, or confrontation to unfold in a certain way, it becomes more difficult to enjoy the lovely surprises and self-knowledge that are sure to appear if you're open to receiving them.

And then, I'd suggest to you that by honoring the needs, desires, and imperfections of the people in your life, you give them the freedom to be themselves. Shouldn't you honor yourself in the same way? Give up the need to control everything and everyone around you and see how much lighter, happier and smarter you'll become.

And as we've already determined--smart is sexy and so is flexibility!

Hope this helps. Keep the questions coming!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Got Questions?

Hi again,

If you have any questions or comments you'd like me to address on this blog, please send them to
Any thoughts about sexuality, sensuality, romance and relationships are welcome.

Happy Fourth of July

Hi All,

I have to take a little break. My computer crashed AGAIN!! I just got a new hard drive installed yesterday and I'm trying to gather and restore all my documents that I've lost. Luckily, this time I have my big projects safe on a flash drive, but there still various programs missing etc. etc.

So have a great Fourth of July, do something patriotic to show your gratitude for this great country and especially for our troops. Then do something crazy to show off your independent side. You know, the side that's free of what other people think.

Have fun. Make some fireworks of your own and I'll be back hopefully next week.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Change is Good

Last month the poll question was when was the last time you updated your look. Here's what you had to say:

52% have changed their look in the last 6-12 months.

28% have updated their appearance in the past 1-4 years.

8% have gotten a new coif or wardrobe in the past 5-8 years.

12% have not updated their look in ten or more years.

It's great to see that the majority of you embrace change and invite it into your life. It's so very easy to get in a rut and let the familiar begin to rule our lives. The familiar is a known entity. It's comfortable. Familiar is easy and safe. It's what we know, and for the most part has worked for years.

But the familiar can also be stale. And boring. And a great place to hide. And often what had been working for years no longer does, but it's part of our comfort zone and we'd rather hang on to what we know than risk something we don't.

Keeping things the same keeps us from taking chances and venturing out and finding out just how amazing the world is and what an incredible women we have the potential to become.

I am a true believer in periodic makeovers. Just like there is a necessity for attitude readjustments every now and again (change your attitude, change your life) every woman needs to undergo a style makeover every now and again.

Your outer appearance is your calling card to the world and should reflect your most current, inner self. If it doesn't, you should ask yourself why. Do the two not match because you're hiding what's inside for fear of rejection or do you not know the femme within and simply allow the dated woman in the mirror dictate your first impression?

Our faces and figures change as time tiptoes on. What flattered the former you years ago probably doesn't do justice to the present you. If you haven't changed your look in years, it's time for an update.

Here are a few makeover tips.

1) Scroll down and reread the posts for finding your sensual signatures (January 8, 2007). These five signatures will help insure that your finished makeover is authentically you and not based on some celebrity ideal or fashion trend.

2) Decide what you want. Wanting to look better is too general and can easily become an exercise in frustration. Break down your makeover goals into doable steps so you can prioritize your transformation and make it a happier, more manageable task.

3) Start with the fast four: Hair, makeup, teeth whitening and posture. These are generally budget-friendly items and the results are quick and encouraging. Start with these so you already feel fresh and fabulous as you work on other more time consuming or costly things like diet and wardrobe.

Before you hit the salon, have an idea of what your looking to achieve. Look at photos of celebrities with similar shaped faces or go to sites like Instyle magazine virtual makeover and upload your photo and try on several hairstyles.

MAC stores and other cosmetic companies do complimentary in store makeovers. Let them show you a new, contemporary color palette to flatter your skin tone and bring out your most amazing facial feature.

Crest Whitestrips are a cost-effective way to get your smile bright and ready to showcase with a new lip color. Of course, a bleached smile does not replace healthy gums and teeth. See your dentist on the regular and brush and floss in between!

Want to look like you've lost ten pounds? Stand up straight. Practice standing tall with your shoulders back and your stomach pulled in. You'll be amazed at the instant lift to both your body and your self-esteem. It takes a while to train your core muscles so when you feel yourself slouching, remind yourself to stand up straight and smile!

Change is growth, and isn't that our ultimate job in life? So go...grow into a stunning new you.

What do you think?

Friday, June 20, 2008

Is This What Nike Had in Mind?

Could you have sex 101 days in a row?

If you did, you could write a book about it and run the talk show circuit. Except that one couple beat you to the punch. Spurred by the "100 days" club, whose membership welcomes couples who've gone more than 100 lonely days without connecting physically, Douglas and Annie Brown decided to try a different position. They had sex every day for 101 days and wrote the book to consummate it. What's even more remarkable is that it was her suggestion, not his (it's his name on the book, though). One has to wonder on how many of those nights the deed felt more like a burden than a relaxing romp (an intimate connection with a book deal and its mistress, fame?), but the couple insists that they learned how to make caring for each other a priority, even beyond sex. They also found out "You couldn't do this the rest of your life. It was exhausting." But somewhere between a hundred days of solitude and 101 days of sex lies the perfect balance and the moral of the story: put your sweetie on your "to do" list and make your relationship a priority.

This article by Caroline Humphries definitely caught my eye. WOW! 101 days straight.

Again I say, WOW!

Reading it made me think back to when I was trying to conceive my first child. At first it was thrilling and exciting and then it felt a lot more like sex-on-demand, which felt more like work than pleasure. I mean, do you really enjoy it when it becomes a job? I guess the answer is yes, if having sex is your job. But for us everyday sensualists, well I think 101 of days of straight sex could lead to the next 264 being straight up celibate!

I come down on the side of too much of a good thing can just simply be too much. The whole quality vs quantity argument begins to make a lot of sense right about now. I do however agree with the idea of putting your sweetie, and yourself, on your "to do" list and giving your relationship high priority.

So maybe not sex by it's usual definition, but 101, hell 365, days of affection and smiles shared between the two of you is a good thing. And makes the days you do have sex all the sweeter.

What do you think?

Monday, June 16, 2008

Keep Your Baby a Butterfly

Our five senses are as much a gift as our intellect and intuition, but like intuition, taking time to understand and enjoy them is often the first thing we eliminate in our quest to become civilized, cultured, efficient and productive human beings.

From birth to around age five or six, there is nothing we surround our little ones with that isn’t designed and intended to stimulate every one of their senses with tastes, scents, and textures that are varied and appealing. With great intent, we buy things that feel good to the skin, look interesting to the eye, smell pleasant, taste appealing, and sound soothing. From the very beginning we wrap our children in a loving, sensual cocoon in an attempt to make their young lives pleasurable and happy.

And then, somewhere around six or seven, we rip away the cocoon and quickly turn our sensual butterflies into busy bees. This happens around the same time their lives become a series of scheduled events just like ours and time is of the essence. Nothing is done for sheer pleasure anymore, we must now accomplish something. There simply isn’t time to flit and meander sensuously. Can’t stop to smell the flowers anymore. Our kids, just like us, have places to go and people to see and play dates to attend. Long, playful tub time is replaced by quick bird baths and showers. High-chair food fests become car seat meals in an effort to get to Gymboree on time. Music becomes a mere tool to pass the time or to beckon the Sandman. Visual stimulation now comes in the form of learning. Sensory delight is replaced by academic pursuit.

Around the same age something else happens to strip our children of their God-given gift of sensuality. They discover self-pleasuring, we begin to associate sensuality with sexuality and things change drastically. Suddenly, sensuality is discouraged and becomes something ‘adult-like,” something we pull out of our trick bags when we want to spice up our sex lives.

Think about this scenario for a moment. You walk into your seven-year-old daughter’s room one morning and find the pajamas she had on when she went to bed are on the floor and she is sleeping happily nude. ‘Why?’ you ask. ‘Because the sheets feel good on my skin,’ she says.

Raise your hand if you would be shocked and bothered and insist that she sleep with pajamas so she wouldn’t catch cold or some other concocted reason? Would you feel any different if it was your son instead?

Now ask yourself: Why is sensuality considered a birthright, an imperative in infancy and the toddler years and then snatched away before puberty?

Give your kids back their cocoon. Teach them to revel in their sensuous world and see the amazing impact it has on their capacity to enjoy life now and later.

What do you think?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Sex in the City and Me

Yes, darlings, I've been lax about my blogging. And I did have such good intentions to blog up until my milestone birthday, but damn it, BIG FUN got in the way! So here's the another item on my gratitude list.

To recap: #1 is LOVE. #2 is PASSION and #3 is...

# 3 Great Women Friends

I have great and eclectic group of amazing and oh-so-very real friends. Some are earth mothers, others divas. Some are intellectual heavyweights, others creative geniuses. Some are sexually assertive and out there, others are conservative and modest. But all, in their own way, are some of the most giving, beautiful people you will ever meet.

You know, we are a lot like those girls on Sex in the City (have you heard, they have a new movie coming out!), a family of females who love, support and empower each other to be the best women we can be, all the while acknowledging and reveling in our own personal quirks and issues. I call them my 'soul' sisters. And as I always say in my workshops, men teach us to be good at what we DO, women teach us to be good at who we ARE, and our Soul Sisters teach us to combine both and OWN ourselves. My soul patrol has definitely taught me to do me.

Being friends with women can be a really difficult task. We are taught from early on that women are the enemy. We get thrown into that crabs in a barrel mentality very early and the idea that only one queen crab is allowed to claw her way to the top, cements the idea in our heads that women are our competitors and there for can not be our friends. We look at each other with envious eyes and instead of understanding that the fabulous things we are drawn to (or envy) in other women are usually aspects of ourselves that we have yet to acknowledge, we label them bitches and try to build ourselves up by tearing them down.

Player haters inhabit the worlds of many women out there, but gratefully, not mine.

Like Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha, my friends and I are a vast and variety group of personalities with different body types, talents, sexual appetites, religious outlooks and personal styles. And like the SITC girls, we allow and encourage each other to be fully expressed and individually empowered. I have been fortunate to draw into my life women of various ages and races who have and still do, love me, nurture me, respect me and most importantly are brutally honest with me when need be. They are lovely women who always have a compliment at the ready but just as quick will tell me what I need to hear, not just what I want to hear. And most allow and expect me to do the same.

They revel in my accomplishments, cry with me through the disappointments. They blow me away with their insights and buoy me up with their love. They are a reflection of me and I most definitely am a composite reflection of all of their amazing tricks and traits that I have first admired and then stolen and added to my own repertoire--all with their blessings.

My Stiletto U students are women who attend the workshops ask me all the time, "How did you get like this?" The answer is simple, because I learned a long time ago that birds of a feather, do indeed flock together and the chickadees that feather my nest are some red hot, awesome women who believe as I do that 'you be you and I'll be me and together we'll own our little corner of the world!!

What do you think?