Survey on Size

I'm still on vacation but this caught my eye and I wanted to share this survey with you. More proof that we put so much pressure on ourselves to be what we THINK men want, when the reality is so much different.

BY Lux Alptraum


Women are taught from an early age that being skinny is the way to be. Thin is in, skinny is attractive — and having that hot, fashionable body will always get you the boys. Right?

Well, maybe not. The UK’s Fabulous Mag recently conducted a “Fabulous Body Survey,” asking (presumably heterosexual) men and women about their ideal female body type. While the women stated a preference for a body around size 8 (US size 6), men were more interested in a slightly curvier size 12 (US size 10). Granted, both “ideal” bodies come in smaller than the average UK woman (who’s apparently a size 16 (US size 14)) — but at least this provides a little (more) proof that fashion magazines don’t always know what’s up.

Hot Fun in the Summertime: Sexcations

As we wind down the dog days of summer, I thought I'd do a few posts on summer lovin', just to help you make the end of summer a sizzler. Today we're talking about taking a sexcation.

A WMS sexcation is a variation on the currently very popular staycation. These days with skyrocketing fuel costs and tight family budgets, vacation plans have fallen to the wayside for many of us. This is such a shame because one great reason to go on vacation is because you'll have better sex than you would at home. Seriously.
It's been scientifically proven!

According to research from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction, the reason couples don't have a lot of sex at home is because in our normal lives, we get stressed out. And anxiety doesn't exactly put us in the mood (this is especially true for women). On the other hand, when you're in a good mood, you're more likely to be frisky.

Think about it. How often do you have sex when you're at home? What about when you're on vacation? And when is the last time you and your beloved spent the day/weekend in bed simply being lovers ? Pushing aside your relationship roles and simply enjoying the carnal pleasure of being with each other.
The kids are in camp or off to grandma's...it's time for you to treat each other to a little sexcation.

You need not go far, but if possible, try to take it out of the house. Check into local hotel with the intent of seeing very little of it besides the room, except maybe the pool. A flirtatious frolic in the pool is a great break that will help keep you in the mood.

A few suggestions:

1) Pick a hotel within your budget, preferably one that has room service. Many hotels offer romance packages that include champagne, chocolates and other amenities that literally help give you a little more bang for your buck. If you choose to stay at home, make sure you create an environment conducive to romance. Clean it, spritz it, make it a sensual wonderland for your weekend, and stock the cupboards with easy eats that can become part of the sexcation experience.

2) Just like any vacation, prepare accordingly. Days before your escapde, refrain from having actual sex but definitely keep sex on the brain. Flirt, tease, kiss, self-pleasure. This is a perfect time to create your sexipe box (see August flirt tip)and will give you some sightseeing activities to look forward to! This also makes it clear that this is a vacation built on mutual pleasure.

3) Pack light, this is definitely a clothing optional vacation. Bring with you anything that you find comfortable and makes you feel sexy and desirable, and most importantly, bring a fun and spontaneous attitude. Pack up your sensual trick bag...candles (best that you bring votives where the flame is low so you don't risk starting a fire), massage oils, sexy music (think about including one of those ocean soundtracks, great for creating a island mood), maybe a little bedtime reading.

4) A sexcation is a perfect opportunity to reconnect on an intimate level but don't ruin it by having unrealistic sexpectations. Like I've said before, anticipate everything but expect nothing. Don't put pressure on yourself to put on some kind of porn star performance this vacation, but rather look at this like you would any themed vacation...an opportunity to explore and learn, to relax and be spontaneous, to laugh and enjoy each other, to rediscover each other in a pleasurable environment.

What do you think?

July Poll Results

The poll question for July was: What makes Angelina Jolie so hot? Here are the results.

15% of you say it's because she's beautiful.

2% of you say it's because she's benevolent.

10% of you say it's because she's bold.

44% of you say it's because she's all of the above.

34% of you say who says she's hot?


I do have to say that I am in the majority camp. I find myself fascinated by Angelina for a myriad of reasons. I think, however, if I had to nail it down to one, I think ultimately it's her boldness. Check out my blog entry on being scandalous (August 6, 2007) and you'll understand my point of view.

Whether you love her or are part of the 34% who don't get what all the hype is about, take a minute to interview yourself about what exactly about her that attracts or repels you. I think you'll find that she, like other women who you admire or love to hate, spotlight the qualities within yourself that you possess but do not yet own.

What do you think?

Ten Aphrodisiacs

Do you want to look hot, feel hot? Do you feel the need for an aphrodisiac? Wikipedia.com defines an aphrodisiac as an “agent which is used in the belief that it increases sexual desire”.

The term was derived from the name of the Greek goddess of sensuality: Aphrodite. Basically, the role of an aphrodisiac is to make sex mor attainable and pleasurable. According to experts, however, there is no such thing as a true aphrodisiac.

But who cares? Whether or not there’s a medical basis that there are foods which actually help to increase your sexual desire (physically or mentally), we shouldn’t take the fun out of choosing aphrodisiacs which have a positively orgasmic effect!

The keywords for our top 10 aphrodisiac picks are sexual awakening, sensual pleasures, glands stimulator, and senses-teaser. Here goes:

10. Whipped Cream

I know, I know… there’s no medical evidence that whipped cream is an aphrodisiac which increases your libido. But just think of all the ‘naughty’ places where you can lick whipped cream off it certainly will get you hot!

9. Chocolate

Whether it is the melted variety or the deep, dark chocolate gorging on these sumptuous treats would surely heat things up in bed. Chocolate provides a quick boost of energy, especially for women who produce four times as many endorphins after eating chocolate as compared to the endorphins that they produce after a mind boggling kiss!

8. Oysters

This is a given oysters physically resemble the female organ, which is probably why some men find them so visually stimulating. Also, oysters are high in zinc so they help improve your lover’s sexual potency. Good, huh?

7. Celery

Celery contains a male hormone called androsterone which in turn arouses women’s sexuality. It has been liberally used by ancient Romans in their cooking as an aphrodisiac.

6. Banana

There’s more to a banana being an aphrodisiac than its phallic shape. This fruit contains bromelain which stimulates a man’s libido.

5. Peaches

The appearance of plump, juicy and mouth-watering peaches already provides a highly sexual image. Aside from that, these luscious fruits have vitamin A which in turn produces healthy, touchable skin - the largest erogenous zone in the human body!

4. Shrimps or Fillet Mignon

This is basically for all the men out there who want to improve their staying power in bed. Shrimps or prawns actually increase their sperm level and leads to more powerful orgasms. Fillet mignon, on the other hand, is high in protein which helps increase your ‘alertness and assertiveness’ in bed.

3. Ginseng

The component which helps Ginseng increase your energy, vitality and sexual enjoyment is ginsenoside. Look for energy drinks with Ginseng to help perk you up right before tangling the sheets.

2. Caviar

Treat yourself and your lover to a hot night of love with caviar. Eggs are a symbol of fertility - and caviar is packed with 47 vitamins and minerals to produce all the energy that you need in bed.

1. Red Wine

What better way to end our list that with a celebratory toast of red wine? Not only is red wine good for the heart - it’s also rich in resveratrol, a form of antioxidant which increases estrogen production. The result? Heightened sexual appetite.

Just make sure to slowly sip your wine and not drink it too fast (it can lead to drowsiness, which will ruin your night!). Licking it off in erogenous body parts is a great idea, too. =)

Some ‘Weird’ Aphrodisiacs which Deserve an Honorable Mention:

• Asparagus
• Devil’s Soup
• Maca
• Muira Puama
• Rhino Horn
• Spanish Fly
• Yohimbine
• Turtle Eggs
• Tribulus
• Truffles

What are you waiting for? Shop now and stock up on these aphrodisiac foods. Add in some scented candles, sensual oils and you’re ready for one sizzling night with that special man in your life!

This article comes from the site www.allwomenstalk.com

Q & A When To Trust My Nagging Voice

Q: Lori, 13 years ago I dated an up & coming politician, who I really liked, but the sex between us was awkward and stiff. He ended the relationship because he was "not ready for a family. Recently, he tracked me down through my mom, saying he regrets what happened. Long story short, we spent five days in Miami and had some of the absolutely best sex of my life--tantric, intense intimacy, hours of kissing. I felt so alive and vibrant.

Here's the issue: He is not available. He is separated from his wife, but I don't detect that it is over for them. Anyway, he seems quite smitten and would like to maintain contact. I am thinking that our week in Miami was my attempt to show him exactly what he walked away from, but I am still intrigued and very excited.

What think you???...throw caution to the wind, go with my feelings and allow the relationship to unfold? My nagging voice is saying I really just wanted revenge so should just walk away.

A: Wow! Sounds like you had a hot time in Miami! I'm thrilled that you are still feeling solidly sensual and owning yourself like never before.

I always say go with your intuition. I'm wondering if the thrill you are feeling is more about you really test driving the new, more confident Bella than a potential relationship. Was the sex amazing because you are now free to enjoy it on your own terms or because it was with him? My bet is that at this point, it is the former not the latter.

If your inner voice is actually nagging, it's guiding you towards truth. Let it go. Carry that scandalous feeling with you and keep yourself open to meeting a man who is available. And guess what? You have the right, and the obligation to yourself, to let him know that you don't play seconds. If he really is smitten, he'll get things straight at home (for himself not you) and approach you again able to discover and explore.

In full disclosure, Bella, is a former Stiletto U student.

Follow Up to Smart and Sexy

This was a comment about my last blog, left by "Analytical Annie"

"Interesting and timely comments I am curious and would love to know more about the comment below.

"Fall back on your good girl and let her innocence be your ticket to the smart and sexy new you. I don't know a man alive who can resist the request that he be the one to turn you out."

Why is it that "no man alive can resist"? What is it about innocence that men can't resist? Given that so much emphasis is placed on being experienced this is curious.

Well, 'Annie', thanks for the comment and here is my follow up.

First, don't confuse the word 'innocence' with 'disinterest','insecurity' or 'fear'. Just because a girl (and I mean a girl at any age) has a virtuous patina about her, does not mean that she still isn't curious, adventurous, eager and willing to add a few new moves to her sexual repertoire.

Secondly, don't let yourself be fooled by the societal emphasis placed on being experienced. True, we are no longer living in times where a man expects to marry a virgin, at the same time, times haven't changed that much that men are looking for a, hmmm, how can I put this, a girl with a headboard full of notches going for her. Yes, I will concede the point that most men want a seasoned woman, but seasoned does not mean sauteed, flipped, rolled, baked and fried!!

Based on my research, what men value more than experience is passion, energy, and confidence. Passion reserved for him. Passion that lets him know that there is no other man you could possibly desire at this particular moment. Energy displayed that lets him know that you are enjoying yourself being with him and that he is pleasing you. And the confidence to let him know what you like and dislike (so he can please you) as well as confidence in your own appearance and performance.

Women are so wrong thinking that all men are looking for porn star lovers. Now, don't get me wrong, most certainly would love to have the opportunity to experience such a night, but guess what? In the long run most are not interested in a long-term relationship with one. And don't ever underestimate a man's performance anxieties, despite whatever bravado they emit. The idea of having to please Nympho Nadine on the regular can be off putting to the common man!

And to go back the questions asked, there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting to your lover that there is something you don't know or want to be better at when it comes to your sexual performance. When you combine your lovely innocent good girl, with a little bad girl tutoring from your man, naughty can be awfully nice!

What do you think?

Q & A : I'm Very Smart...Sexy Not So Much

Thanks for all of your questions. I've decided to make July Q & A month. My goal is to make this blog not only entertaining but helpful, so please keep the questions and comments coming.

Here are two similar queries sent to me this week. I have taken my thoughts and combined them into one answer.

Q1: I'm intellectually sexy. Translation: I'm sexy only in my own head. Men appreciate my smarts but seem to be more intimidated than turned on. How do I turn my sexy thoughts into action without being a dummy? B from Maryland

Q2: Lori, I need help! I'm a control freak. When I'm in a relationship I have to control everything from what we do on a date to how we have sex. At first the men seem to like it but then the inevitable happens--they leave and I'm alone--again. Why am I like this and what can I do to change? S from Georgia

When you peel back the layers, my guess is that you both are dealing with the same issue--insecurity about your own, as Kimora Lee Simmons coined it, "fabulosity." When your confidence level is low in any area, there is a tendency to hide behind whatever you can, in this case intellect or to the need to dictate things so life works to your strengths and your weaknesses rarely have a chance to fail you.

But ultimately you come to the realization that neither hiding nor controlling work in the long run. The only way to effectively move through this limiting behavior is to gently deal with them head-on with self-love. So to both of you, I offer this advice.

Be the student. B, anyone as smart as you and who has used her intelligence as her calling card, admitting you DON'T know or CAN'T figure something out is maddening, especially when it comes to sex. You're right to not want to dumb your beautiful self down, but now you are realizing that brains are only part of your sexy package, and that any woman with a brain knows how to make her smarts work for her.

Part of being truly intelligent is knowing when to let go of the leadership position and assume the student/follower role for a minute. By doing this, you let go of the pressure of having to know everything, and get to explore without boundaries. Fall back on your good girl and let her innocence be your ticket to the smart and sexy new you. I don't know a man alive who can resist the request that he be the one to turn you out.

And when it comes to sex, remember you can't paint on a coat of freaky sex goddess. It has to be genuine and come from within. Sex is as individual as the people that have it. Some days it will be hot and horny, other times it will be silly and fun or loving and romantic. Don't intellectualize it. Just go with the flow and enjoy it all.

This same advice goes for you, S. The need to control comes down to fear and in many cases, it's being fearful of losing your power. When you are in control you feel powerful, but power by domination is way different than being truly empowered.

I'd ask you to first, eliminate the words 'failure' and 'expectation' from your vocabulary. When you are afraid to fail, you are too often afraid to try. And when you try to control a person or situation with expectations of how things must go, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. When you expect a situation, event, or confrontation to unfold in a certain way, it becomes more difficult to enjoy the lovely surprises and self-knowledge that are sure to appear if you're open to receiving them.

And then, I'd suggest to you that by honoring the needs, desires, and imperfections of the people in your life, you give them the freedom to be themselves. Shouldn't you honor yourself in the same way? Give up the need to control everything and everyone around you and see how much lighter, happier and smarter you'll become.

And as we've already determined--smart is sexy and so is flexibility!

Hope this helps. Keep the questions coming!

Got Questions?

Hi again,

If you have any questions or comments you'd like me to address on this blog, please send them to mass.seduction@yahoo.com
Any thoughts about sexuality, sensuality, romance and relationships are welcome.

Happy Fourth of July

Hi All,

I have to take a little break. My computer crashed AGAIN!! I just got a new hard drive installed yesterday and I'm trying to gather and restore all my documents that I've lost. Luckily, this time I have my big projects safe on a flash drive, but there still various programs missing etc. etc.

So have a great Fourth of July, do something patriotic to show your gratitude for this great country and especially for our troops. Then do something crazy to show off your independent side. You know, the side that's free of what other people think.

Have fun. Make some fireworks of your own and I'll be back hopefully next week.

Change is Good

Last month the poll question was when was the last time you updated your look. Here's what you had to say:

52% have changed their look in the last 6-12 months.

28% have updated their appearance in the past 1-4 years.

8% have gotten a new coif or wardrobe in the past 5-8 years.

12% have not updated their look in ten or more years.

It's great to see that the majority of you embrace change and invite it into your life. It's so very easy to get in a rut and let the familiar begin to rule our lives. The familiar is a known entity. It's comfortable. Familiar is easy and safe. It's what we know, and for the most part has worked for years.

But the familiar can also be stale. And boring. And a great place to hide. And often what had been working for years no longer does, but it's part of our comfort zone and we'd rather hang on to what we know than risk something we don't.

Keeping things the same keeps us from taking chances and venturing out and finding out just how amazing the world is and what an incredible women we have the potential to become.

I am a true believer in periodic makeovers. Just like there is a necessity for attitude readjustments every now and again (change your attitude, change your life) every woman needs to undergo a style makeover every now and again.

Your outer appearance is your calling card to the world and should reflect your most current, inner self. If it doesn't, you should ask yourself why. Do the two not match because you're hiding what's inside for fear of rejection or do you not know the femme within and simply allow the dated woman in the mirror dictate your first impression?

Our faces and figures change as time tiptoes on. What flattered the former you years ago probably doesn't do justice to the present you. If you haven't changed your look in years, it's time for an update.

Here are a few makeover tips.

1) Scroll down and reread the posts for finding your sensual signatures (January 8, 2007). These five signatures will help insure that your finished makeover is authentically you and not based on some celebrity ideal or fashion trend.

2) Decide what you want. Wanting to look better is too general and can easily become an exercise in frustration. Break down your makeover goals into doable steps so you can prioritize your transformation and make it a happier, more manageable task.

3) Start with the fast four: Hair, makeup, teeth whitening and posture. These are generally budget-friendly items and the results are quick and encouraging. Start with these so you already feel fresh and fabulous as you work on other more time consuming or costly things like diet and wardrobe.

Before you hit the salon, have an idea of what your looking to achieve. Look at photos of celebrities with similar shaped faces or go to sites like Instyle magazine virtual makeover and upload your photo and try on several hairstyles.

MAC stores and other cosmetic companies do complimentary in store makeovers. Let them show you a new, contemporary color palette to flatter your skin tone and bring out your most amazing facial feature.

Crest Whitestrips are a cost-effective way to get your smile bright and ready to showcase with a new lip color. Of course, a bleached smile does not replace healthy gums and teeth. See your dentist on the regular and brush and floss in between!

Want to look like you've lost ten pounds? Stand up straight. Practice standing tall with your shoulders back and your stomach pulled in. You'll be amazed at the instant lift to both your body and your self-esteem. It takes a while to train your core muscles so when you feel yourself slouching, remind yourself to stand up straight and smile!

Change is growth, and isn't that our ultimate job in life? So go...grow into a stunning new you.

What do you think?

Is This What Nike Had in Mind?

Could you have sex 101 days in a row?

If you did, you could write a book about it and run the talk show circuit. Except that one couple beat you to the punch. Spurred by the "100 days" club, whose membership welcomes couples who've gone more than 100 lonely days without connecting physically, Douglas and Annie Brown decided to try a different position. They had sex every day for 101 days and wrote the book to consummate it. What's even more remarkable is that it was her suggestion, not his (it's his name on the book, though). One has to wonder on how many of those nights the deed felt more like a burden than a relaxing romp (an intimate connection with a book deal and its mistress, fame?), but the couple insists that they learned how to make caring for each other a priority, even beyond sex. They also found out "You couldn't do this the rest of your life. It was exhausting." But somewhere between a hundred days of solitude and 101 days of sex lies the perfect balance and the moral of the story: put your sweetie on your "to do" list and make your relationship a priority.

This article by Caroline Humphries definitely caught my eye. WOW! 101 days straight.

Again I say, WOW!

Reading it made me think back to when I was trying to conceive my first child. At first it was thrilling and exciting and then it felt a lot more like sex-on-demand, which felt more like work than pleasure. I mean, do you really enjoy it when it becomes a job? I guess the answer is yes, if having sex is your job. But for us everyday sensualists, well I think 101 of days of straight sex could lead to the next 264 being straight up celibate!

I come down on the side of too much of a good thing can just simply be too much. The whole quality vs quantity argument begins to make a lot of sense right about now. I do however agree with the idea of putting your sweetie, and yourself, on your "to do" list and giving your relationship high priority.

So maybe not sex by it's usual definition, but 101, hell 365, days of affection and smiles shared between the two of you is a good thing. And makes the days you do have sex all the sweeter.

What do you think?

Keep Your Baby a Butterfly

Our five senses are as much a gift as our intellect and intuition, but like intuition, taking time to understand and enjoy them is often the first thing we eliminate in our quest to become civilized, cultured, efficient and productive human beings.

From birth to around age five or six, there is nothing we surround our little ones with that isn’t designed and intended to stimulate every one of their senses with tastes, scents, and textures that are varied and appealing. With great intent, we buy things that feel good to the skin, look interesting to the eye, smell pleasant, taste appealing, and sound soothing. From the very beginning we wrap our children in a loving, sensual cocoon in an attempt to make their young lives pleasurable and happy.

And then, somewhere around six or seven, we rip away the cocoon and quickly turn our sensual butterflies into busy bees. This happens around the same time their lives become a series of scheduled events just like ours and time is of the essence. Nothing is done for sheer pleasure anymore, we must now accomplish something. There simply isn’t time to flit and meander sensuously. Can’t stop to smell the flowers anymore. Our kids, just like us, have places to go and people to see and play dates to attend. Long, playful tub time is replaced by quick bird baths and showers. High-chair food fests become car seat meals in an effort to get to Gymboree on time. Music becomes a mere tool to pass the time or to beckon the Sandman. Visual stimulation now comes in the form of learning. Sensory delight is replaced by academic pursuit.

Around the same age something else happens to strip our children of their God-given gift of sensuality. They discover self-pleasuring, we begin to associate sensuality with sexuality and things change drastically. Suddenly, sensuality is discouraged and becomes something ‘adult-like,” something we pull out of our trick bags when we want to spice up our sex lives.

Think about this scenario for a moment. You walk into your seven-year-old daughter’s room one morning and find the pajamas she had on when she went to bed are on the floor and she is sleeping happily nude. ‘Why?’ you ask. ‘Because the sheets feel good on my skin,’ she says.

Raise your hand if you would be shocked and bothered and insist that she sleep with pajamas so she wouldn’t catch cold or some other concocted reason? Would you feel any different if it was your son instead?

Now ask yourself: Why is sensuality considered a birthright, an imperative in infancy and the toddler years and then snatched away before puberty?

Give your kids back their cocoon. Teach them to revel in their sensuous world and see the amazing impact it has on their capacity to enjoy life now and later.

What do you think?

Sex in the City and Me

Yes, darlings, I've been lax about my blogging. And I did have such good intentions to blog up until my milestone birthday, but damn it, BIG FUN got in the way! So here's the another item on my gratitude list.

To recap: #1 is LOVE. #2 is PASSION and #3 is...

# 3 Great Women Friends

I have great and eclectic group of amazing and oh-so-very real friends. Some are earth mothers, others divas. Some are intellectual heavyweights, others creative geniuses. Some are sexually assertive and out there, others are conservative and modest. But all, in their own way, are some of the most giving, beautiful people you will ever meet.

You know, we are a lot like those girls on Sex in the City (have you heard, they have a new movie coming out!), a family of females who love, support and empower each other to be the best women we can be, all the while acknowledging and reveling in our own personal quirks and issues. I call them my 'soul' sisters. And as I always say in my workshops, men teach us to be good at what we DO, women teach us to be good at who we ARE, and our Soul Sisters teach us to combine both and OWN ourselves. My soul patrol has definitely taught me to do me.

Being friends with women can be a really difficult task. We are taught from early on that women are the enemy. We get thrown into that crabs in a barrel mentality very early and the idea that only one queen crab is allowed to claw her way to the top, cements the idea in our heads that women are our competitors and there for can not be our friends. We look at each other with envious eyes and instead of understanding that the fabulous things we are drawn to (or envy) in other women are usually aspects of ourselves that we have yet to acknowledge, we label them bitches and try to build ourselves up by tearing them down.

Player haters inhabit the worlds of many women out there, but gratefully, not mine.

Like Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha, my friends and I are a vast and variety group of personalities with different body types, talents, sexual appetites, religious outlooks and personal styles. And like the SITC girls, we allow and encourage each other to be fully expressed and individually empowered. I have been fortunate to draw into my life women of various ages and races who have and still do, love me, nurture me, respect me and most importantly are brutally honest with me when need be. They are lovely women who always have a compliment at the ready but just as quick will tell me what I need to hear, not just what I want to hear. And most allow and expect me to do the same.

They revel in my accomplishments, cry with me through the disappointments. They blow me away with their insights and buoy me up with their love. They are a reflection of me and I most definitely am a composite reflection of all of their amazing tricks and traits that I have first admired and then stolen and added to my own repertoire--all with their blessings.

My Stiletto U students are women who attend the workshops ask me all the time, "How did you get like this?" The answer is simple, because I learned a long time ago that birds of a feather, do indeed flock together and the chickadees that feather my nest are some red hot, awesome women who believe as I do that 'you be you and I'll be me and together we'll own our little corner of the world!!

What do you think?

Proof is in the Passion

My gratitude list towards my Countdown to Fifty continues.

#2 Passion

I recognize that I blogged about the importance of having passion for something outside of your bedroom if you wanted to bring it inside, but while in this most recent self-reflection mode, I've been able to really see how my passion for writing has impacted and informed every nook and cranny of my current life--including my thoughts and actions on sex and sensuality.

I am so lucky that I discovered my intimate connection with reading and writing early in my life. I have always loved words. Starting with Dr. Suess I devoured books of all lengths and all genres. Reading for me wasn't just a hobby but a refuge. I know this sounds cliche but books became my window on the world beyond the hedged suburbs I grew up in. They fueled my imagination, piqued my curiosity and kick-started my interest in writing. Words became my cupid and my warrior king. I complimented friends and insulted foes, seduced lovers and influenced bosses with my pen.

I went to college and majored in journalism. After I graduated I started working in the broadcast industry. Every job I held required writing. Whether writing promotional spots, press releases, sales presentations, television shows, speeches for the late Peter Jennings or now writing novels, I was/am working my passion.

Most importantly, doing something I loved kept me working to improve. And the more I improved the more confident I became not only in my writing but in myself. And as I got better my dreams got bigger and the obstacles higher. But trying to achieve my passion helped push me forward when lots of things conspired to hold me back. But passion gives you courage and boldness that you can draw on when you need to. Passion gives you the edge because it makes you give a damn. And when you are caring you are daring. You may fall but that desire picks you back up to try again. Rejection becomes a mere bump in the road instead of a journey ending roadblock.

Up until a few years ago, I would tell you that writing was my passion. But while getting comfortable with myself as a woman in her forties and working on my second novel, Hitts & Mrs., I realized a subtle shift. I recognized that my true passion was the search for truth, mainly my individual truth, but also exploring topics that blew the dust off of what I came think of as man made truths. I also learned that my passion had grown to helping women empower themselves by first introducing universal truths into my work to help guide them to their own truth. Writing is now the tool I used to realize my passion.

These two passions are all wrapped up into who I am now at fifty. The search for truth has me turning all kinds of topics and issues upside down to inspect, explore, try on and figure out. And the more I learn about myself, the more comfortable I am just being me and that has given me a fearlessness I never had in my younger days. They have fueled other passions like traveling, cruising, teaching, sensual living and hazelnut gelato, which continue to broaden my horizons and help to stretch and grow me.

My kids are nearly grown now but as children, I always encouraged them to seek out explore their passions. I drilled into them that one of the best things that could happen to them in life was to work their passions. To see the world, make money and support themselves doing what they loved. This has been one of the few lessons I've taught that I can actually see has stuck (I tried to teach them to have a passion for picking up after themselves. One look at their rooms and you'll see how that turned out!)

So, I am thoroughly grateful for having a passion that I have enjoyed and that has helped define my life and my place in this world.

It's never too late to isolate your passion. It can be anything from gardening to cooking to traveling. Find it. Work it. Love it. And watch how it changes you.

What do you think?

Lucky in Love

Okay, I'm back. I was away for the weekend doing a couple of book events and had a chance to get my head back on straight. Whew...thank God for the love of friends.

Before I begin this reflective set of blogs, let me explain why I decided to do this list. First, I think writing down the things that you are grateful for every now and again helps you realize how much you actually have versus how much you think you lack. Secondly, as I travel around the country talking about my book and the issues of sensuality and sexuality people ask me all the time, "How did you get like this?" I decided that this was a perfect time to look into the things that have shape and molded me and my thoughts and actions.

So this brings me to the first (well technically second if you count the whining) item my Countdown to Fifty list that has shaped and molded me into the woman (dare I say fabulous without sounding like an egotistical diva) I am today.

#1 Love.

I have been so lucky in love my entire life. It began with my amazing family, particularly my parents who love me unconditionally and raised me with a strong sense of self. They gave me the confidence and permission to think for myself, make my own decisions and then loved me through the results--regardless of whether those decisions turned out to be achievements or mistakes.

I've been lucky in romantic love beginning with the first love of my life and lover, RJ. I hope my daughter is as blessed with such a first love. We were juniors in high school when we first got together and stayed together through our sophomore year in college. He was a funny, endearing, nurturing, smart and loving boyfriend. He was a considerate, tender, romantic, patient, adventurous first lover. He set the tone for my views on committed relationships and sex. And he broke my heart, simply by growing up and moving on, but he'd left his imprint on my life.

RJ continued the lessons that my parents had begun. He taught me that I was lovable just being myself and that I didn't have to lose myself or deny myself, my needs, or disrespect myself in order for someone to love me. He also taught me that the quality of I love received was a direct response to the quality of love I gave. And lastly, he taught me that loving someone hard can sometimes lead to hurt, but it's so worth the pain. And ever since then, I have loved without fear and learned about myself with every giggle and each tear.

*NOTE TO DAUGHTER: RJ and I were a couple for a year before we had sex. I was 18. There was no coercing or pressure to have sex. I knew that this is who and what I wanted. Our first time together was safe and we were able to spend the night together. It was worth the wait and not only do I have no regrets, I have amazing memories. And like 99.99% of all first times, physical pleasure was not the whole of this sweet encounter. Love was. And that's the memory I get to take into my old age. Let that be your memory too.

Between college and marriage, I loved and left as well as loved and lost a variety of men of various ages, sizes, colors and jobs. Not a regret among the bunch as I learned a lot about myself and life--both romantic and real life. And I remember each one with a smile, even the ones who lied or cheated. They taught me that their issues weren't mine and that I only could only control my actions and reactions, not theirs, but always had the power to decide what was ultimately best for me. I took those lessons into my my ultimate relationship.

I've been lucky in marital love. I met my husband and after a very romantic whirlwind, six days later we were engaged (try breaking that to your boyfriend of a year who just happened to go away for a week and comes back to hear that news!). Because love and I were no strangers by this point, I knew he was Mr. Right. And guess what, on paper he should have been all wrong. He was a graduating senior, I'd been out of school four years (and dating a VP at a brokerage firm). He had no money, no job and we hadn't even had sex. But my heart knew and I went for it. May 31 is our 23 wedding anniversary. We have two fantastic kids and have had a great life together. He's been a partner on Wall Street during his twenty plus year stint in the financial business. We have a great house and have traveled the world together. We've had our ups and downs and have laughed a lot together and cried a lot too. CW taught me that the best lovers are friends and that love morphs into a variety of shapes as the decades go by but ultimately, remains love.

Okay, so here are the lessons I've learned and the reasons why LOVE is number one on my gratitude list. Love is the one thing we all desire and say we want but it's also the thing that we seem to understand the least and fear the most. I learned that unless that you love yourself first and understand your worth, you'll always be looking for love in other people and that's a recipe for disaster. I've learned that love is God and God lives in each one of us. I've learned that if you fear love you'll never grow as a person and that loving full out is better than protecting your heart. I've learned that love isn't always meant to be forever but its lessons and memories are, and that the only way you can get good at love is to DO it, FEEL it, SHARE it. I've learned that if love goes unattended it will die. I learned that the more love you give the more love you get and that sex without love can be good but sex with love is FRICKIN'GREAT. I've learned that loving yourself makes you FEEL sexy and loving someone else makes you ACT sexy.

Love...Pass it on!

Countdown to Fifty

I turn fifty in twenty-four days. It is my intent to blog about the top 25 things I've learned to love about myself, my life, my age and the world in my half century of life. It was my intent to begin today.

But life throws you curves. I learned this May Day that God indeed has a sense of humor.

Today I received my AARP card in the mail. It came the same day I received the news that I have to get braces. I'm so confused. The AARP card goes with my newly sprouted gray hairs (two to be exact). The braces will team up nicely with my adult acne.

My fifty and fabulous mindset has been momentarily altered.

Instead of blogging, I'm going to go have a cocktail or two and try to sort all this out. I'll be back tomorrow.

Indulge Yourself

I was encouraged by the results of April's poll. Looks like the majority of you, 93% to be exact, have no problem indulging yourself with the things you love. Here's what you indulge yourself with:

Travel: 27%

Food/Wine: 15%

Stuff: 33%
(Handbags, jewelry, etc.)

Other: 18%

For the rest of you who say you never indulge yourself, I offer this food for thought: There is a huge difference between self-ish and self-ness. Showing yourself a little love by giving yourself something that makes you feel good about being you is not only right but necessary. Occasionally indulging yourself (the same way you indulge others you love) can be just the show of love you need to get you through or celebrate you.

And think about this. If you're unwilling to shower yourself with a little attention and affection now and again, why should anyone else?

What do you think?

A Little Off the Sides and Top and That's It

Be warned. This blog entry will surely fall under the category of T.M.I. (Too Much Information) and I apologize right up front. But damn it, I've had it with all the waxing and shaving of my nether regions. In a month I'll be 50. I've earned the right to be comfortable in my underpants!

Now before you go off, spreading the rumor that I am a hairy, unkempt mess, understand--I am not talking about keeping things trim and tidy. Good grooming does include keeping up the bikini lines (as well as shaved legs and underarms). There is nothing sexy about wearing gorgeous panties or a fab bathing suit and having unsightly tufts of hair escaping from the sides. I mean, not everything looks great fur trimmed.

No, I'm talking about the pain and stress (and not to mention the annoying itch)of running a sharp razor over your most delicate body party or applying hot wax to one's tender privates and ripping the hair out by its root. Ouch. I'm in pain just thinking about it.

For years I have, like many of you I'm sure, been victim to the cultural phenomena and model mentality of nary-a-hair-down-there. I don't know who started the drum beat demanding that grown women's genitals should be as smooth and clean as the babie's behinds they were changing. I'm pretty sure it began with those damn Brazilian supermodels and the industry that spawns them. (You know, models seem to be the root of a lot of our unrealistic body image issues and beauty rituals (hemorrhoid creme for under eye swelling, toothpaste on pimples, cocaine and cigarettes for weight loss, but that's a whole other blog.)

When I look back, I think I bought into the whole Brazilian look because it made me feel sexually daring in a private, I've-got-a-secret kind of way. Only my husband and I (and my gynecologist, poor man) knew and for the first few weeks after getting it done, I did walk around with panties full of sensations. But then, the dreaded new growth began to rear it's ugly, itchy head and my sexy strut melted into a uncoordinated, idiotic, slow motion gallop while I attempted to relieve the unbearable itch with my inner thighs. And God knows, any private moment became a monumental scratch-fest. It was like carrying a porcupine in my underpants, and not in a good way. And the only immediate relief? To pay good money to one of the sisters to spread my legs, pour hot wax between them and let 'er rip.

To be truthful, I only got waxed twice. But I shaved nearly clean for years and between the nicks, ingrown hairs, and cactus coochie I just can't take it any more. My husband is disappointed.

Did I mention my husband loved it? Did I mention that the first time I did it was because he'd been hinting about it for months? Initially, I did it to please him. Yeah, just like a man. Now if I asked him to go in and have his berries waxed because I found it to be a huge turn on, what do you think he'd say? Exactly. Hell frickin' no! I can't even get him to clean up his bathroom sink, and can I tell you how hot that would make me!

My scissor trims are keeping me neat and tidy and you know what I learned? I still feel sexy because I've reached a point in my sensual/sexual life where I've learned that what I think has much more to do with what I feel and how I behave, than what I wear (or don't). I'm not sorry I investigated the naked nookie, it pleased my lover but more importantly it made me feel scandalous and naughty without any kind of public acknowledgment. And those feelings are what now drive my sense of sexual daring. Now that's true power, and so, so much more comfortable!

What do you think?

The Big O in Om: Yoga for Hotter Sex

Most of you know that I love yoga. Here's one of the reasons why! Enjoy this article from Prevention.com

Yoga Positions for Better Sex

Enlightenment is great and all, but doing yoga will also pay off in a very immediate,
extremely earthy way: in the sack.In ancient times yogis practiced abstinence from sex so that all of their energy could be directed toward yoga and spiritual advancement. Makes you wonder: How could these supposedly wise guys have gotten it so wrong?

Today yoga lovers are finding that more time on the mat means more--and steamier--time spent reveling in their newly toned bodies. To take a walk on yoga's carnal side, add these sex moves to your yoga routine for overall better sex. Or just do them by themselves to turn up the heat.

Flex Time Is Sex Time
Having more flexible muscles and joints definitely helps in assuming those compromising positions. Opening your hips in particular gives you a wider range of motion in your nether regions, allowing for more direct stimulation in just the right spots. After all, one micro-movement in missionary is sometimes all it takes to ring the bell.

Sex Rx: Bound Angle In a seated position, bring the soles of your feet together, put your hands on your ankles, allow your knees to relax toward the floor, and hinge forward at the hips as far as is comfortable. Hold for 10 to 15 complete breaths (inhales and exhales).

Power Up the Pelvis
Strengthening one key muscle helps you engage and lift the pelvic floor, bringing you more sensation and control during your sex moves.

Sex Rx: Root Lock You may also hear this referred to by its Sanskrit name, Mula Bandha. Seated or standing, contract and then release the pubococcygeus muscle located between the pubic bone and the tailbone, as if you wanted to stop the flow of urine. You can even do this at your desk, say, 10 times at three workday intervals.

Sex Goddesses Go the Distance
Shake-the-headboard sex moves are hard work. "The better shape you are in, the more pleasure you have and the longer you can do it," says Kimberly Fowler, owner of Yoga and Spinning Studio in Venice, California.

Sex Rx: Yoga Pushups Start in the pushup position, arms extended. Engage your abs as you lower your body slowly toward the floor. Stop when your torso is about 2 to 3 inches away. Keeping elbows in, hold there for five breaths, then lower to the floor. Repeat three times at first and build up to five.

Charge Up the Bed Batteries
A killer day at work can leave you too beat to boogie. But a few minutes of nonstrenuous yoga when you get home can mean one less night with Netflix and one more erotic evening entwined with your sweetie.

Sex Rx: Legs Up the Wall Change into some yoga-friendly clothes. Lie on your back with one hip touching a wall. Swing your legs up and turn your body so you face the wall, legs resting against it from heels to butt, arms at your sides. Bring your awareness to your breath and focus on it for 5 minutes. This position allows more oxygen-rich blood to flow from your lower body back up to the heart and the brain, so you'll get up reenergized, refocused, and ready to rumble.

Breath of Desire
While most yoga poses help prepare you for a libidinous rendezvous, this breathing exercise can actually heighten your pleasure in flagrante.

Sex Rx: Breath of Fire While you're in the act, take rapid, forceful, and rhythmic breaths through your nose with your mouth closed. Don't worry if your partner thinks you're hyperventilating; he'll forget all about it when you reach a spine-tingling climax (and no doubt take credit for your fulfillment).

Double Your Pleasure
Practicing yoga with your man is like foreplay, says Jacquie Noelle Greaux, creator of the Better Sex Through Yoga video series. "You start to breathe together, sweat together, and move together. It gets your energy synched up." Some mat work might make him more sex-imaginative as well. "Yoga sparks creativity," Fowler says. "Women don't want bang-boom from a man, they want an explorer--and yoga invites you to explore."

Effort is Sexy

There is a radio commercial playing here in the New York area that makes me want to scream every time I hear it. The advertisement is for Lowes Stores and it features a woman who comes home to find that her husband has proudly set up a spontaneous and romantic dinner in their backyard for the two of them. Is she thrilled and astonished and blown away like she should be? No, because there's a problem. He's moved the dining room furniture outdoors because they don't yet have patio furniture.

So instead of being blown away by his thoughtfulness and inventiveness, and sitting her grateful behind down to enjoy a romantic evening with her man, the girl goes on and on about their next door neighbor, Steve. See Steve did it right. Steve went to Lowes and bought a real outdoor dining table and chairs. Steve did it right because, dining room furniture belongs in the dining room not outdoors. The ungrateful biyatch didn't even acknowledge his effort AND her husband then starts acting all apologetic and sorry. Okay, they deserve each other.

I see this all the time. Women who complain about their men not being attentive or romantic or helpful with the kids or household chores. Let's face it, some guys are just lazy slugs when it comes to helping around the house or flexing their romantic muscles. Sorry ladies if your guy truly falls in that category. But there are plenty of men who make the effort to please but are constantly slapped down for not doing things the 'right way', which in translation means 'your way.' Then these same women want to complain about feeling unappreciated or having to do everything and never getting a break.

Ladies, your man always gets points for trying. Let him learn to do things--from diapering the baby to cooking the lasagna to planning a romantic evening--his way. Let him know how much you appreciate his effort even if the flowers he selected aren't your favorite or he didn't make spaghetti sauce using your recipe (having hot dogs in your sauce won't kill you, just ask my mother!). Be flexible enough to understand that if he's making the effort to please, he gets credit.

Let live. Let love.

What do you think.