Havin' Your Cake: Coming Out of Celibacy

I was at a social function yesterday when a woman came over and asked if she could speak with me. She'd heard about my work as a sensuality coach and author and wanted to ask a question about a friend. I wasn't sure if the friend was real or simply a privacy prop, but I was game to listen and give whatever advice I could.

Seems her 'friend' had a problem. Over fifty and divorced for many years, she'd recently began dating a man and after three dates, had determined that even though she found him attractive and interesting, they didn't have any sexual chemistry. I did suggest that maybe she give it a little more time, that sometimes, for some people, the chemistry beneath takes time to penetrate layers of past experiences and emotional fears before it can bubble to the top. But she insisted that because her 'friend' had been celibate for over a year, that the right man should and would get her juices flowing immediately.

Perhaps but more than likely not.

Here's the thing, I explained, long-term celibacy is like going on serious diet. Let say you decide that you are going to eliminate sweets from your diet, and after two weeks or two months, someone puts your favorite chocolate cake in front of you. The likelihood is that you are going to be tempted to taste that cake. Your mouth still remembers the creamy taste of luscious chocolate. Your head tingles at the idea of the coming sugar rush. And if that baker's delight stays in front of you too long, the probability of you licking yummy icing from your lips is going to be strong.

But let's say that same damn, trying to bust my diet, person puts a cake in front of you after nearly two years of not eating any desserts. You've gone so long without sugar and chocolate that you've lost your craving for sweets. The temptation to taste is just not there anymore. You have effectively blunted your desire.

The same is true for sex. Long spans of celibacy (whether voluntary or imposed) forces a similar state upon you. When your brain is no longer continually filled with thoughts of sex and you shut down your sexual energy as well as your physical sexual functions, you shut down your desire. And if you're not careful, you also shut down thinking about yourself as a sensual, sexual being.

My bottom line advice for her friend was to spend sometime alone reviving her sexual energy and putting sex back on her brain. Like those Jimmy Choos or that chocolate cake you can’t get off your mind—the more you think about something, the more you have to have it. Sex is no different. If she woke up her sexy mind and got reacquainted with her inner sexiness, she might find that the chemistry was there all along.

What do you think?

Chemistry Counts Part II

In Part I of the chemistry question I told you that, "I encounter other SU students who recognize that they are not sexually compatible with their lovers but hang in anyway, hoping things will change or convincing themselves that it doesn't really matter, all the while setting themselves and their relationships up for outside interference."

Sad but true.

I know that the notion of not being sexually compatible with the one you love is not only upsetting but painful as well. But as with everything else, I am a true advocate of facing the truth, particularly your individual truth. The truth that is based on your unique set of values, circumstances, and relationships.

First of all, it is important to understand that sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility are two very different things. It's when the two work in tandem that time spent between the sheets goes far beyond simply satisfactory. But sadly, having a lot of sexual chemistry with someone does not guarantee that the two of you will be sexually compatible.

Think of it this way. I love bacon and I love chocolate, but together not so much. The idea of the two may be intriguing and maybe even a little tempting but once brought together the combination does absolutely nothing for me.

Sexual compatibility is about whether you and your lover "fit" together on many levels--frequency, intensity, temperament, technique, etc. These and more all play a part of your compatibility and no matter how much you love somebody, you'll have a difficult time moving past the problems sexual incompatibility creates in your relationship if you do not deal with it. Problems that crop up from build up resentment and anger. Problems like infidelity or divorce--his or yours.

Granted, we all can have an off-night or a span of weeks or even months where our health or situations cause our sexual chemistry to suffer. Don't panic and take this as a sign that you've permanently lost your mojo. Be clear about communicating what's going with you to your partner, get through the issues that are blocking your desire and then climb back to bed with bells on!

However, if you find yourself have sex that is less than perfect or downright unappealing more often than you would like, the worst thing to you can do is ignore the problem and hope that it will get better in time or just go away.

Sometimes not connecting sexually is a symptom of other things not going well in your relationship. Often when when things are going poorly in the bedroom it's because things outside the bedroom need fixing, but sometimes things are good in every other aspect of your partnership but your chemistry is off. Either way, is a sign of other things not being quite right. So it’s definitely worthwhile exploring together what could make that sexual connection better.

The only way to get to the bottom of this is to be honest with first yourself, and then your lover. We women have a bad habit of not acknowledging our sexual wants and needs to ourselves, let alone our partners. We expect our men not only to know what we want, but when and how! This is because very few of us have any pride of ownership or take responsibility for our own sexual selves. We are our own victims when it comes to being sexually satisfied because we have bought into the idea that we are sexual servants, that it is our responsibility to make sure that our man is satisfied and happy. Hell, even with the best of 'masters' that crap gets old fast, particularly when it is at the expense of our own satisfaction.

So, know what you want and how you want it, and gently, lovingly and honestly communicate these needs. Don't make him feel like a failure, but let him know it has been your fault that you haven't communicated these needs to him. Ask and be willing to listen to his needs and wants and accommodate when and where you feel comfortable. Start your sexual live together over, rewriting the rules to work with who you both are today. This may very well include redefining exactly what 'sex' is for the two of you. (More on this subject soon)

Addressing this often touchy subject as partners, not adversaries, is the only way that you will learn how to really please each other in bed. The good news is that often two people can work through these issues with enough honest communication or with the help of professional guidance.

What do you think?

September Poll Results...Chemistry Counts

Last month's poll was on the concept of sexual chemistry. For the most part, poll results were fairly predictable, and happily, it seems the majority of you are doing just fine in the laboratory of love! I did think the percentage of those linking chemistry to relationship viability would be higher. I'll explain why below.

First, here are the results to September's poll question: I think chemistry in a relationship is something that:

53% said chemistry is something you know you have immediately

51% said chemistry keeps a relationship viable

12% said chemistry takes time to develop and build

7% said chemistry it is overrated because respect and affection is more durable

2% said chemistry is something you wish your relationship had more of

I decided to ask this question because I often have Stiletto U students who don't know or who are reluctant to recognize the importance of chemistry between themselves and a potential or current partner.

So what is sexual chemistry?

Sexual chemistry is that undeniable attraction that is felt on an unspoken level between two people, even before any type of relationship has started. You know that delicious feeling you get towards someone who makes you twirl your hair and bite your lip. It's that exchange of energy that makes you feel giddy and light and has you daydreaming aboutwhat he's like in bed while he's trying to patiently explain to you the difference between a lager and an ale.

There is no denying that sex between two people with great chemistry is exhilarating. Lovers with red-hot chemistry tend to respond to each other with amazing intensity, and are in the moment with each other, enjoying every minute of the experience mind AND body. Great sexual chemistry ebbs and flows in time but the attraction remains constant.

But let's not forget that sexual chemistry also encompasses the compatibility of two people are once they're actually having sex. And like most things, the way women and men look at sexual chemistry can be very different. Most women tend to see it as a foundation upon which to build a relationship, while men are more hard wired to look at great chemistry as the predictor of steamy sex. And women are much more likely than men to connect sexual chemistry with love.

What I hear often is that a woman has great sexual chemistry with a guy but then after a few months, things fizzle out. By that time she's thinking she's made a love connection and is confused why things didn't work out. Largely I find, this is because she is focused on the sexual attraction and willfully ignoring the issues outside the bedroom. And yet, because sex is so good between them she has a difficult time recognizing the truth and moving on because she has indeed equated this chemistry with love.

On the other hand, I encounter other SU students who recognize that they are not sexually compatible with their lover but hang in anyway, hoping things will change or convincing themselves that it doesn't really matter, all the while setting themselves and their relationships up for outside interference. (More on sexual incompatibility next time.)

Bottom line: Sexual chemistry is vital in keeping a relationship strong and viable. At the same time there are levels of intensity, all which are fine as long as they match your lover's...in other words, as long as you are sexually compatible in your chemical reaction to each other firing up the love lab should not be a problem.

What do you think?