Chemistry Counts Part II

In Part I of the chemistry question I told you that, "I encounter other SU students who recognize that they are not sexually compatible with their lovers but hang in anyway, hoping things will change or convincing themselves that it doesn't really matter, all the while setting themselves and their relationships up for outside interference."

Sad but true.

I know that the notion of not being sexually compatible with the one you love is not only upsetting but painful as well. But as with everything else, I am a true advocate of facing the truth, particularly your individual truth. The truth that is based on your unique set of values, circumstances, and relationships.

First of all, it is important to understand that sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility are two very different things. It's when the two work in tandem that time spent between the sheets goes far beyond simply satisfactory. But sadly, having a lot of sexual chemistry with someone does not guarantee that the two of you will be sexually compatible.

Think of it this way. I love bacon and I love chocolate, but together not so much. The idea of the two may be intriguing and maybe even a little tempting but once brought together the combination does absolutely nothing for me.

Sexual compatibility is about whether you and your lover "fit" together on many levels--frequency, intensity, temperament, technique, etc. These and more all play a part of your compatibility and no matter how much you love somebody, you'll have a difficult time moving past the problems sexual incompatibility creates in your relationship if you do not deal with it. Problems that crop up from build up resentment and anger. Problems like infidelity or divorce--his or yours.

Granted, we all can have an off-night or a span of weeks or even months where our health or situations cause our sexual chemistry to suffer. Don't panic and take this as a sign that you've permanently lost your mojo. Be clear about communicating what's going with you to your partner, get through the issues that are blocking your desire and then climb back to bed with bells on!

However, if you find yourself have sex that is less than perfect or downright unappealing more often than you would like, the worst thing to you can do is ignore the problem and hope that it will get better in time or just go away.

Sometimes not connecting sexually is a symptom of other things not going well in your relationship. Often when when things are going poorly in the bedroom it's because things outside the bedroom need fixing, but sometimes things are good in every other aspect of your partnership but your chemistry is off. Either way, is a sign of other things not being quite right. So it’s definitely worthwhile exploring together what could make that sexual connection better.

The only way to get to the bottom of this is to be honest with first yourself, and then your lover. We women have a bad habit of not acknowledging our sexual wants and needs to ourselves, let alone our partners. We expect our men not only to know what we want, but when and how! This is because very few of us have any pride of ownership or take responsibility for our own sexual selves. We are our own victims when it comes to being sexually satisfied because we have bought into the idea that we are sexual servants, that it is our responsibility to make sure that our man is satisfied and happy. Hell, even with the best of 'masters' that crap gets old fast, particularly when it is at the expense of our own satisfaction.

So, know what you want and how you want it, and gently, lovingly and honestly communicate these needs. Don't make him feel like a failure, but let him know it has been your fault that you haven't communicated these needs to him. Ask and be willing to listen to his needs and wants and accommodate when and where you feel comfortable. Start your sexual live together over, rewriting the rules to work with who you both are today. This may very well include redefining exactly what 'sex' is for the two of you. (More on this subject soon)

Addressing this often touchy subject as partners, not adversaries, is the only way that you will learn how to really please each other in bed. The good news is that often two people can work through these issues with enough honest communication or with the help of professional guidance.

What do you think?

Kegels: The Exercise That Keeps On Giving

I don't really like exercise. I miss the days when I participated in sports because back then all my exercise was tied up in playing a game, not standing in a mirrored room comparing my body to a bunch of other women's. I've tried the workout classes and the weight circuit but after years of starting and stopping, I have now come to depend on the three forms of exercise that I remain committed to: Yoga, Walking and Kegels. These three activities are like the lover you can't ever walk away from--you try but ultimately you find yourself back in the mix--and happy you are.

Lest you think I've forgotten that September is all about sex, I haven't. I'm writing about exercise because I've found the aforementioned crucial to maintaining a great sex life. Let me break it down.

Yoga: It's all about stress reduction and keeping your body flexible. A clear mind and a limber body--two clear assets for having having great sex. What lover doesn't get jazzed over the idea that you can wrap your legs clear around his head or have a willing mind and capable body to try a few poses from the Kama Sutra?

Walking: Cardio. Healthy heart and fit body--two more must haves for a hot sex life. While quickies are great fun, they should only be the exception, not the norm because your don't have the stamina to go the lusty distance.

Kegels: Yes, I'm talking about the so-you-don't-pee-on-yourself pelvic exercises. Kegels are part of my exercise trinity. But the well-kept secret about this magic little exercise goes well beyond not embarrassing yourself every time you sneeze. See the Kegel is the exercise that keeps on giving in ways that make your body smile like no amount of sweatin' to the oldies ever can. And like yoga and walking you really don't need any special equipment or clothing. In fact, while doing Kegels (and in some yoga classes) clothing is purely optional.

Kegels are what you do when you're trying to strengthen you love muscle...your sex muscle...your 'do it to me now before I explode' muscle. Anatomically speaking, it's your PC muscle or actually group of muscles that support your pelvic cavity.

It's also the muscle, that when in shape, allows you to have rip-roaring orgasms. Studies have confirmed that the ability to have an orgasm, and the intensity of that orgasm, correlates with the contraction strength of the PC muscle. Women who don't have orgasm or have lackluster 'snoregasms' tend to have weak PC muscles.

But more and better orgasms are just one oh-so sweet by product of the Kegel. Another direct and beneficial result is that they help keep sex on your brain. Now I ask you: Have you ever been more excited about the idea of exercising?

Kegels can be done any time and/or any place and nobody else has to know you're working out. You can do your Kegels while you watch TV, shop, ride the subway, read, cook or drive carpool. In fact, you can even do Kegels while you're walking or doing yoga! How's that for economizing your time!

So, how do you Kegel? Here are the basics:

While you are in the bathroom, try to stop the flow of urine. The muscle that stops you from urinating is the PC muscle. The action of stopping is the Kegel exercise. Hold for one second and release. Repeat the hold, release action three times. If you're squeezing the right muscle you should stop the flow of urine each time.

If you can't completely stop the flow, it means you've got a flabby PC (mine used to match my stomach). But don't worry, unlike my dang stomach, the PC muscle responds quickly with constant exercise.

Prime exercise time: Build them into your daily routine. Before you even get out of the bed do sixty seconds worth of Kegels. Every time you go to the potty, throw in a few more. And during your evening TV watching, sixty seconds more. Add your daily shower or bath and that's four times a day, every day, that you're training your mind and body for the sensual pleasures of sex.

Kegel on my friends and enjoy the results!

What do you think?

Down with So-So Sex!!

As our theme this month is "Sexy September" here's an encore entry from February. It's worth the reminder!

I saw this in O Magazine and thought it was definitely worth passing on.

“We settle for so-so sex because most of us don’t know how sexual we could be; we only know how sexual we are. How sexual we are has been shaped by decades of indoctrination by…family and friends, teachers, religious leaders and romantic partners, not to mention a society that worships a bewildering fusion of childlike sexual innocence and cynical, nilhilistic hedonism…So what is normal? It all depends on what is normal for you.”

Anita Clayton, MD with Robin Cantor-Cooke, in Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy (Ballentine)

Find your 'normal' and rock on!

Get Ready for a Sexy September

I'm sure you've noticed that my blog entries have been a little lacking this month. I apologize, but see what had happen was, first, some kind of technical snafu with blogspot kept me from blogging, and then with all of my book touring and personal vacation time and getting my son ready to leave for college next week, well finding time to blog has been tough.

So WMS is officially on hiatus for the rest of August and will return on September 6 for a month dedicated to thoughts on S.E.X. The things I want to discuss involve feeling good about sex as a woman; about knowing how to do more than turn on your lover, but also how to recognize your own sexual power and how to use the power of the punani to benefit you and your partner. We'll be talking about looking at new ways to apporach sex--with an eye on playfulness, a sense of adventure and a commitment to your own pleasure.

So enjoy the rest of your summer and get ready for a Sexy September! In the meantime, if you have any questions, comments or suggested topics send them along to mass.seduction@yahoo.com

Until the sixth, think sexy thoughts!

More Q & A

I hope at least a few of you heard the Cocoa Mode show on XM this weekend. It was was great and we had a lot of fun talking about bringing our sexy back. If you didn't catch it, go to Cocoamode.com and click on 'listen to the show.' Shawna(who is one of the best in the business, ya'all)says the link should be up any day now.

Before I launch into the questions and answers, let me take a moment to thank the men who called into the show confirming everything I've been telling you ladies. Men are attracted to CONFIDENT, FRIENDLY, ATTRACTIVE WOMEN. And don't misunderstand, by "attractive" they (and I) mean well-groomed and nicely put together. Yes, they may have a physical preference, but for 98% of them, that preference can be easily replaced by a woman who walks in the joint carrying herself with a "proud to be" strut and a smile on her face. Attitude (the GOOD kind) works wonders.

Moving on...

I received to questions that I thought were really worth sharing because they spoke to the concerns of so many of you out there. The first is from Lisa, a thirtysomething mother of one who is stuck in a very unsexy rut. The second question is from Patrice, who is battling an illness and feeling sexy is the last thing she has on her mind.

Q: With a three-year-old and a job and a husband I don't have time to bring sexy back. How do I incorporate all this into an already too full schedule?

A: Let me remind everyone here again that sensuality is much more encompasssing than just a mere sexual perk. To be sensual merely means living life through your five senses. It is the joyous preoccupation with what you see, smell, touch, hear and taste. With the right state of mind you can turn any task into a sensual experience--eating, walking, dancing, gardening, laundry, showering--you name it.

Here are three suggestions to get you started: Take at least one daily chore and turn it in to a sensory experience. Let's use the laundry for example. Instead of simply plopping the towels from the dryer down on the folding counter and commence to folding, bring them to your nose and smell the fabric softner, rub your fingers through the soft terry nap before bringing to your face for a soft caress across your cheek. (scroll down and check out the video about doing the laundry the real WMS way)

Take at least ten minutes each day to treat yourself to a sensory delight. Whether it be listening to soul stirring music, eating a piece of luscious decedant chocolate, rubbing yourself down with delicious smelling body lotion or watching the world from your window, demand this sensual time for yourself.

Savor mealtime. At least once a week treat yourself and your family to some sensual dining. Make your meals tasty incorporating assorted testures and tastes and servie them in a visually pleasing manner. Candles and flowers on the table help. Take the time to taste and enjoy every bite as you savor your meal and the company of your love ones.

Getting back in touch with your sensual side will go a long way towards making your life seem more beautiful.

Q. I have Lupus. Feeling sexy is the last thing on my mind.

A. Whether due to illness or life's ups and downs, it's perfectly reasonable that a woman doesn't feel sexy all the time. But by tying sex to sensuality you are cheating yourself out of so many of wonderful experiences. Don't sell you or your quality of life short because things are not in primo order to live a sexy life. And let's be real, who lives that way all the time anyway? Reclaim your sensual self and by the time you are feeling sexy again you'll notice a new and improved sexy you!

If you have a question. Send them on. mass.seduction@yahoo.com

Why Settle for So So Sex?

I saw this in O Magazine and thought it was definitely worth passing on.

“We settle for so-so sex because most of us don’t know how sexual we could be; we only know how sexual we are. How sexual we are has been shaped by decades of indoctrination by…family and friends, teachers, religious leaders and romantic partners, not to mention a society that worships a bewildering fusion of childlike sexual innocence and cynical, nilhilistic hedonism…So what is normal? It all depends on what is normal for you.”

Anita Clayton, MD with Robin Cantor-Cooke, in Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy (Ballentine)

Find your 'normal' and rock on!