Ten Aphrodisiacs

Do you want to look hot, feel hot? Do you feel the need for an aphrodisiac? Wikipedia.com defines an aphrodisiac as an “agent which is used in the belief that it increases sexual desire”.

The term was derived from the name of the Greek goddess of sensuality: Aphrodite. Basically, the role of an aphrodisiac is to make sex mor attainable and pleasurable. According to experts, however, there is no such thing as a true aphrodisiac.

But who cares? Whether or not there’s a medical basis that there are foods which actually help to increase your sexual desire (physically or mentally), we shouldn’t take the fun out of choosing aphrodisiacs which have a positively orgasmic effect!

The keywords for our top 10 aphrodisiac picks are sexual awakening, sensual pleasures, glands stimulator, and senses-teaser. Here goes:

10. Whipped Cream

I know, I know… there’s no medical evidence that whipped cream is an aphrodisiac which increases your libido. But just think of all the ‘naughty’ places where you can lick whipped cream off it certainly will get you hot!

9. Chocolate

Whether it is the melted variety or the deep, dark chocolate gorging on these sumptuous treats would surely heat things up in bed. Chocolate provides a quick boost of energy, especially for women who produce four times as many endorphins after eating chocolate as compared to the endorphins that they produce after a mind boggling kiss!

8. Oysters

This is a given oysters physically resemble the female organ, which is probably why some men find them so visually stimulating. Also, oysters are high in zinc so they help improve your lover’s sexual potency. Good, huh?

7. Celery

Celery contains a male hormone called androsterone which in turn arouses women’s sexuality. It has been liberally used by ancient Romans in their cooking as an aphrodisiac.

6. Banana

There’s more to a banana being an aphrodisiac than its phallic shape. This fruit contains bromelain which stimulates a man’s libido.

5. Peaches

The appearance of plump, juicy and mouth-watering peaches already provides a highly sexual image. Aside from that, these luscious fruits have vitamin A which in turn produces healthy, touchable skin - the largest erogenous zone in the human body!

4. Shrimps or Fillet Mignon

This is basically for all the men out there who want to improve their staying power in bed. Shrimps or prawns actually increase their sperm level and leads to more powerful orgasms. Fillet mignon, on the other hand, is high in protein which helps increase your ‘alertness and assertiveness’ in bed.

3. Ginseng

The component which helps Ginseng increase your energy, vitality and sexual enjoyment is ginsenoside. Look for energy drinks with Ginseng to help perk you up right before tangling the sheets.

2. Caviar

Treat yourself and your lover to a hot night of love with caviar. Eggs are a symbol of fertility - and caviar is packed with 47 vitamins and minerals to produce all the energy that you need in bed.

1. Red Wine

What better way to end our list that with a celebratory toast of red wine? Not only is red wine good for the heart - it’s also rich in resveratrol, a form of antioxidant which increases estrogen production. The result? Heightened sexual appetite.

Just make sure to slowly sip your wine and not drink it too fast (it can lead to drowsiness, which will ruin your night!). Licking it off in erogenous body parts is a great idea, too. =)

Some ‘Weird’ Aphrodisiacs which Deserve an Honorable Mention:

• Asparagus
• Devil’s Soup
• Maca
• Muira Puama
• Rhino Horn
• Spanish Fly
• Yohimbine
• Turtle Eggs
• Tribulus
• Truffles

What are you waiting for? Shop now and stock up on these aphrodisiac foods. Add in some scented candles, sensual oils and you’re ready for one sizzling night with that special man in your life!

This article comes from the site www.allwomenstalk.com

Q & A When To Trust My Nagging Voice

Q: Lori, 13 years ago I dated an up & coming politician, who I really liked, but the sex between us was awkward and stiff. He ended the relationship because he was "not ready for a family. Recently, he tracked me down through my mom, saying he regrets what happened. Long story short, we spent five days in Miami and had some of the absolutely best sex of my life--tantric, intense intimacy, hours of kissing. I felt so alive and vibrant.

Here's the issue: He is not available. He is separated from his wife, but I don't detect that it is over for them. Anyway, he seems quite smitten and would like to maintain contact. I am thinking that our week in Miami was my attempt to show him exactly what he walked away from, but I am still intrigued and very excited.

What think you???...throw caution to the wind, go with my feelings and allow the relationship to unfold? My nagging voice is saying I really just wanted revenge so should just walk away.

A: Wow! Sounds like you had a hot time in Miami! I'm thrilled that you are still feeling solidly sensual and owning yourself like never before.

I always say go with your intuition. I'm wondering if the thrill you are feeling is more about you really test driving the new, more confident Bella than a potential relationship. Was the sex amazing because you are now free to enjoy it on your own terms or because it was with him? My bet is that at this point, it is the former not the latter.

If your inner voice is actually nagging, it's guiding you towards truth. Let it go. Carry that scandalous feeling with you and keep yourself open to meeting a man who is available. And guess what? You have the right, and the obligation to yourself, to let him know that you don't play seconds. If he really is smitten, he'll get things straight at home (for himself not you) and approach you again able to discover and explore.

In full disclosure, Bella, is a former Stiletto U student.

Follow Up to Smart and Sexy

This was a comment about my last blog, left by "Analytical Annie"

"Interesting and timely comments I am curious and would love to know more about the comment below.

"Fall back on your good girl and let her innocence be your ticket to the smart and sexy new you. I don't know a man alive who can resist the request that he be the one to turn you out."

Why is it that "no man alive can resist"? What is it about innocence that men can't resist? Given that so much emphasis is placed on being experienced this is curious.

Well, 'Annie', thanks for the comment and here is my follow up.

First, don't confuse the word 'innocence' with 'disinterest','insecurity' or 'fear'. Just because a girl (and I mean a girl at any age) has a virtuous patina about her, does not mean that she still isn't curious, adventurous, eager and willing to add a few new moves to her sexual repertoire.

Secondly, don't let yourself be fooled by the societal emphasis placed on being experienced. True, we are no longer living in times where a man expects to marry a virgin, at the same time, times haven't changed that much that men are looking for a, hmmm, how can I put this, a girl with a headboard full of notches going for her. Yes, I will concede the point that most men want a seasoned woman, but seasoned does not mean sauteed, flipped, rolled, baked and fried!!

Based on my research, what men value more than experience is passion, energy, and confidence. Passion reserved for him. Passion that lets him know that there is no other man you could possibly desire at this particular moment. Energy displayed that lets him know that you are enjoying yourself being with him and that he is pleasing you. And the confidence to let him know what you like and dislike (so he can please you) as well as confidence in your own appearance and performance.

Women are so wrong thinking that all men are looking for porn star lovers. Now, don't get me wrong, most certainly would love to have the opportunity to experience such a night, but guess what? In the long run most are not interested in a long-term relationship with one. And don't ever underestimate a man's performance anxieties, despite whatever bravado they emit. The idea of having to please Nympho Nadine on the regular can be off putting to the common man!

And to go back the questions asked, there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting to your lover that there is something you don't know or want to be better at when it comes to your sexual performance. When you combine your lovely innocent good girl, with a little bad girl tutoring from your man, naughty can be awfully nice!

What do you think?

Q & A : I'm Very Smart...Sexy Not So Much

Thanks for all of your questions. I've decided to make July Q & A month. My goal is to make this blog not only entertaining but helpful, so please keep the questions and comments coming.

Here are two similar queries sent to me this week. I have taken my thoughts and combined them into one answer.

Q1: I'm intellectually sexy. Translation: I'm sexy only in my own head. Men appreciate my smarts but seem to be more intimidated than turned on. How do I turn my sexy thoughts into action without being a dummy? B from Maryland

Q2: Lori, I need help! I'm a control freak. When I'm in a relationship I have to control everything from what we do on a date to how we have sex. At first the men seem to like it but then the inevitable happens--they leave and I'm alone--again. Why am I like this and what can I do to change? S from Georgia

When you peel back the layers, my guess is that you both are dealing with the same issue--insecurity about your own, as Kimora Lee Simmons coined it, "fabulosity." When your confidence level is low in any area, there is a tendency to hide behind whatever you can, in this case intellect or to the need to dictate things so life works to your strengths and your weaknesses rarely have a chance to fail you.

But ultimately you come to the realization that neither hiding nor controlling work in the long run. The only way to effectively move through this limiting behavior is to gently deal with them head-on with self-love. So to both of you, I offer this advice.

Be the student. B, anyone as smart as you and who has used her intelligence as her calling card, admitting you DON'T know or CAN'T figure something out is maddening, especially when it comes to sex. You're right to not want to dumb your beautiful self down, but now you are realizing that brains are only part of your sexy package, and that any woman with a brain knows how to make her smarts work for her.

Part of being truly intelligent is knowing when to let go of the leadership position and assume the student/follower role for a minute. By doing this, you let go of the pressure of having to know everything, and get to explore without boundaries. Fall back on your good girl and let her innocence be your ticket to the smart and sexy new you. I don't know a man alive who can resist the request that he be the one to turn you out.

And when it comes to sex, remember you can't paint on a coat of freaky sex goddess. It has to be genuine and come from within. Sex is as individual as the people that have it. Some days it will be hot and horny, other times it will be silly and fun or loving and romantic. Don't intellectualize it. Just go with the flow and enjoy it all.

This same advice goes for you, S. The need to control comes down to fear and in many cases, it's being fearful of losing your power. When you are in control you feel powerful, but power by domination is way different than being truly empowered.

I'd ask you to first, eliminate the words 'failure' and 'expectation' from your vocabulary. When you are afraid to fail, you are too often afraid to try. And when you try to control a person or situation with expectations of how things must go, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. When you expect a situation, event, or confrontation to unfold in a certain way, it becomes more difficult to enjoy the lovely surprises and self-knowledge that are sure to appear if you're open to receiving them.

And then, I'd suggest to you that by honoring the needs, desires, and imperfections of the people in your life, you give them the freedom to be themselves. Shouldn't you honor yourself in the same way? Give up the need to control everything and everyone around you and see how much lighter, happier and smarter you'll become.

And as we've already determined--smart is sexy and so is flexibility!

Hope this helps. Keep the questions coming!

Got Questions?

Hi again,

If you have any questions or comments you'd like me to address on this blog, please send them to mass.seduction@yahoo.com
Any thoughts about sexuality, sensuality, romance and relationships are welcome.

Happy Fourth of July

Hi All,

I have to take a little break. My computer crashed AGAIN!! I just got a new hard drive installed yesterday and I'm trying to gather and restore all my documents that I've lost. Luckily, this time I have my big projects safe on a flash drive, but there still various programs missing etc. etc.

So have a great Fourth of July, do something patriotic to show your gratitude for this great country and especially for our troops. Then do something crazy to show off your independent side. You know, the side that's free of what other people think.

Have fun. Make some fireworks of your own and I'll be back hopefully next week.

Change is Good

Last month the poll question was when was the last time you updated your look. Here's what you had to say:

52% have changed their look in the last 6-12 months.

28% have updated their appearance in the past 1-4 years.

8% have gotten a new coif or wardrobe in the past 5-8 years.

12% have not updated their look in ten or more years.

It's great to see that the majority of you embrace change and invite it into your life. It's so very easy to get in a rut and let the familiar begin to rule our lives. The familiar is a known entity. It's comfortable. Familiar is easy and safe. It's what we know, and for the most part has worked for years.

But the familiar can also be stale. And boring. And a great place to hide. And often what had been working for years no longer does, but it's part of our comfort zone and we'd rather hang on to what we know than risk something we don't.

Keeping things the same keeps us from taking chances and venturing out and finding out just how amazing the world is and what an incredible women we have the potential to become.

I am a true believer in periodic makeovers. Just like there is a necessity for attitude readjustments every now and again (change your attitude, change your life) every woman needs to undergo a style makeover every now and again.

Your outer appearance is your calling card to the world and should reflect your most current, inner self. If it doesn't, you should ask yourself why. Do the two not match because you're hiding what's inside for fear of rejection or do you not know the femme within and simply allow the dated woman in the mirror dictate your first impression?

Our faces and figures change as time tiptoes on. What flattered the former you years ago probably doesn't do justice to the present you. If you haven't changed your look in years, it's time for an update.

Here are a few makeover tips.

1) Scroll down and reread the posts for finding your sensual signatures (January 8, 2007). These five signatures will help insure that your finished makeover is authentically you and not based on some celebrity ideal or fashion trend.

2) Decide what you want. Wanting to look better is too general and can easily become an exercise in frustration. Break down your makeover goals into doable steps so you can prioritize your transformation and make it a happier, more manageable task.

3) Start with the fast four: Hair, makeup, teeth whitening and posture. These are generally budget-friendly items and the results are quick and encouraging. Start with these so you already feel fresh and fabulous as you work on other more time consuming or costly things like diet and wardrobe.

Before you hit the salon, have an idea of what your looking to achieve. Look at photos of celebrities with similar shaped faces or go to sites like Instyle magazine virtual makeover and upload your photo and try on several hairstyles.

MAC stores and other cosmetic companies do complimentary in store makeovers. Let them show you a new, contemporary color palette to flatter your skin tone and bring out your most amazing facial feature.

Crest Whitestrips are a cost-effective way to get your smile bright and ready to showcase with a new lip color. Of course, a bleached smile does not replace healthy gums and teeth. See your dentist on the regular and brush and floss in between!

Want to look like you've lost ten pounds? Stand up straight. Practice standing tall with your shoulders back and your stomach pulled in. You'll be amazed at the instant lift to both your body and your self-esteem. It takes a while to train your core muscles so when you feel yourself slouching, remind yourself to stand up straight and smile!

Change is growth, and isn't that our ultimate job in life? So go...grow into a stunning new you.

What do you think?

Is This What Nike Had in Mind?

Could you have sex 101 days in a row?

If you did, you could write a book about it and run the talk show circuit. Except that one couple beat you to the punch. Spurred by the "100 days" club, whose membership welcomes couples who've gone more than 100 lonely days without connecting physically, Douglas and Annie Brown decided to try a different position. They had sex every day for 101 days and wrote the book to consummate it. What's even more remarkable is that it was her suggestion, not his (it's his name on the book, though). One has to wonder on how many of those nights the deed felt more like a burden than a relaxing romp (an intimate connection with a book deal and its mistress, fame?), but the couple insists that they learned how to make caring for each other a priority, even beyond sex. They also found out "You couldn't do this the rest of your life. It was exhausting." But somewhere between a hundred days of solitude and 101 days of sex lies the perfect balance and the moral of the story: put your sweetie on your "to do" list and make your relationship a priority.

This article by Caroline Humphries definitely caught my eye. WOW! 101 days straight.

Again I say, WOW!

Reading it made me think back to when I was trying to conceive my first child. At first it was thrilling and exciting and then it felt a lot more like sex-on-demand, which felt more like work than pleasure. I mean, do you really enjoy it when it becomes a job? I guess the answer is yes, if having sex is your job. But for us everyday sensualists, well I think 101 of days of straight sex could lead to the next 264 being straight up celibate!

I come down on the side of too much of a good thing can just simply be too much. The whole quality vs quantity argument begins to make a lot of sense right about now. I do however agree with the idea of putting your sweetie, and yourself, on your "to do" list and giving your relationship high priority.

So maybe not sex by it's usual definition, but 101, hell 365, days of affection and smiles shared between the two of you is a good thing. And makes the days you do have sex all the sweeter.

What do you think?

Keep Your Baby a Butterfly

Our five senses are as much a gift as our intellect and intuition, but like intuition, taking time to understand and enjoy them is often the first thing we eliminate in our quest to become civilized, cultured, efficient and productive human beings.

From birth to around age five or six, there is nothing we surround our little ones with that isn’t designed and intended to stimulate every one of their senses with tastes, scents, and textures that are varied and appealing. With great intent, we buy things that feel good to the skin, look interesting to the eye, smell pleasant, taste appealing, and sound soothing. From the very beginning we wrap our children in a loving, sensual cocoon in an attempt to make their young lives pleasurable and happy.

And then, somewhere around six or seven, we rip away the cocoon and quickly turn our sensual butterflies into busy bees. This happens around the same time their lives become a series of scheduled events just like ours and time is of the essence. Nothing is done for sheer pleasure anymore, we must now accomplish something. There simply isn’t time to flit and meander sensuously. Can’t stop to smell the flowers anymore. Our kids, just like us, have places to go and people to see and play dates to attend. Long, playful tub time is replaced by quick bird baths and showers. High-chair food fests become car seat meals in an effort to get to Gymboree on time. Music becomes a mere tool to pass the time or to beckon the Sandman. Visual stimulation now comes in the form of learning. Sensory delight is replaced by academic pursuit.

Around the same age something else happens to strip our children of their God-given gift of sensuality. They discover self-pleasuring, we begin to associate sensuality with sexuality and things change drastically. Suddenly, sensuality is discouraged and becomes something ‘adult-like,” something we pull out of our trick bags when we want to spice up our sex lives.

Think about this scenario for a moment. You walk into your seven-year-old daughter’s room one morning and find the pajamas she had on when she went to bed are on the floor and she is sleeping happily nude. ‘Why?’ you ask. ‘Because the sheets feel good on my skin,’ she says.

Raise your hand if you would be shocked and bothered and insist that she sleep with pajamas so she wouldn’t catch cold or some other concocted reason? Would you feel any different if it was your son instead?

Now ask yourself: Why is sensuality considered a birthright, an imperative in infancy and the toddler years and then snatched away before puberty?

Give your kids back their cocoon. Teach them to revel in their sensuous world and see the amazing impact it has on their capacity to enjoy life now and later.

What do you think?

Sex in the City and Me

Yes, darlings, I've been lax about my blogging. And I did have such good intentions to blog up until my milestone birthday, but damn it, BIG FUN got in the way! So here's the another item on my gratitude list.

To recap: #1 is LOVE. #2 is PASSION and #3 is...

# 3 Great Women Friends

I have great and eclectic group of amazing and oh-so-very real friends. Some are earth mothers, others divas. Some are intellectual heavyweights, others creative geniuses. Some are sexually assertive and out there, others are conservative and modest. But all, in their own way, are some of the most giving, beautiful people you will ever meet.

You know, we are a lot like those girls on Sex in the City (have you heard, they have a new movie coming out!), a family of females who love, support and empower each other to be the best women we can be, all the while acknowledging and reveling in our own personal quirks and issues. I call them my 'soul' sisters. And as I always say in my workshops, men teach us to be good at what we DO, women teach us to be good at who we ARE, and our Soul Sisters teach us to combine both and OWN ourselves. My soul patrol has definitely taught me to do me.

Being friends with women can be a really difficult task. We are taught from early on that women are the enemy. We get thrown into that crabs in a barrel mentality very early and the idea that only one queen crab is allowed to claw her way to the top, cements the idea in our heads that women are our competitors and there for can not be our friends. We look at each other with envious eyes and instead of understanding that the fabulous things we are drawn to (or envy) in other women are usually aspects of ourselves that we have yet to acknowledge, we label them bitches and try to build ourselves up by tearing them down.

Player haters inhabit the worlds of many women out there, but gratefully, not mine.

Like Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha, my friends and I are a vast and variety group of personalities with different body types, talents, sexual appetites, religious outlooks and personal styles. And like the SITC girls, we allow and encourage each other to be fully expressed and individually empowered. I have been fortunate to draw into my life women of various ages and races who have and still do, love me, nurture me, respect me and most importantly are brutally honest with me when need be. They are lovely women who always have a compliment at the ready but just as quick will tell me what I need to hear, not just what I want to hear. And most allow and expect me to do the same.

They revel in my accomplishments, cry with me through the disappointments. They blow me away with their insights and buoy me up with their love. They are a reflection of me and I most definitely am a composite reflection of all of their amazing tricks and traits that I have first admired and then stolen and added to my own repertoire--all with their blessings.

My Stiletto U students are women who attend the workshops ask me all the time, "How did you get like this?" The answer is simple, because I learned a long time ago that birds of a feather, do indeed flock together and the chickadees that feather my nest are some red hot, awesome women who believe as I do that 'you be you and I'll be me and together we'll own our little corner of the world!!

What do you think?

Proof is in the Passion

My gratitude list towards my Countdown to Fifty continues.

#2 Passion

I recognize that I blogged about the importance of having passion for something outside of your bedroom if you wanted to bring it inside, but while in this most recent self-reflection mode, I've been able to really see how my passion for writing has impacted and informed every nook and cranny of my current life--including my thoughts and actions on sex and sensuality.

I am so lucky that I discovered my intimate connection with reading and writing early in my life. I have always loved words. Starting with Dr. Suess I devoured books of all lengths and all genres. Reading for me wasn't just a hobby but a refuge. I know this sounds cliche but books became my window on the world beyond the hedged suburbs I grew up in. They fueled my imagination, piqued my curiosity and kick-started my interest in writing. Words became my cupid and my warrior king. I complimented friends and insulted foes, seduced lovers and influenced bosses with my pen.

I went to college and majored in journalism. After I graduated I started working in the broadcast industry. Every job I held required writing. Whether writing promotional spots, press releases, sales presentations, television shows, speeches for the late Peter Jennings or now writing novels, I was/am working my passion.

Most importantly, doing something I loved kept me working to improve. And the more I improved the more confident I became not only in my writing but in myself. And as I got better my dreams got bigger and the obstacles higher. But trying to achieve my passion helped push me forward when lots of things conspired to hold me back. But passion gives you courage and boldness that you can draw on when you need to. Passion gives you the edge because it makes you give a damn. And when you are caring you are daring. You may fall but that desire picks you back up to try again. Rejection becomes a mere bump in the road instead of a journey ending roadblock.

Up until a few years ago, I would tell you that writing was my passion. But while getting comfortable with myself as a woman in her forties and working on my second novel, Hitts & Mrs., I realized a subtle shift. I recognized that my true passion was the search for truth, mainly my individual truth, but also exploring topics that blew the dust off of what I came think of as man made truths. I also learned that my passion had grown to helping women empower themselves by first introducing universal truths into my work to help guide them to their own truth. Writing is now the tool I used to realize my passion.

These two passions are all wrapped up into who I am now at fifty. The search for truth has me turning all kinds of topics and issues upside down to inspect, explore, try on and figure out. And the more I learn about myself, the more comfortable I am just being me and that has given me a fearlessness I never had in my younger days. They have fueled other passions like traveling, cruising, teaching, sensual living and hazelnut gelato, which continue to broaden my horizons and help to stretch and grow me.

My kids are nearly grown now but as children, I always encouraged them to seek out explore their passions. I drilled into them that one of the best things that could happen to them in life was to work their passions. To see the world, make money and support themselves doing what they loved. This has been one of the few lessons I've taught that I can actually see has stuck (I tried to teach them to have a passion for picking up after themselves. One look at their rooms and you'll see how that turned out!)

So, I am thoroughly grateful for having a passion that I have enjoyed and that has helped define my life and my place in this world.

It's never too late to isolate your passion. It can be anything from gardening to cooking to traveling. Find it. Work it. Love it. And watch how it changes you.

What do you think?

Lucky in Love

Okay, I'm back. I was away for the weekend doing a couple of book events and had a chance to get my head back on straight. Whew...thank God for the love of friends.

Before I begin this reflective set of blogs, let me explain why I decided to do this list. First, I think writing down the things that you are grateful for every now and again helps you realize how much you actually have versus how much you think you lack. Secondly, as I travel around the country talking about my book and the issues of sensuality and sexuality people ask me all the time, "How did you get like this?" I decided that this was a perfect time to look into the things that have shape and molded me and my thoughts and actions.

So this brings me to the first (well technically second if you count the whining) item my Countdown to Fifty list that has shaped and molded me into the woman (dare I say fabulous without sounding like an egotistical diva) I am today.

#1 Love.

I have been so lucky in love my entire life. It began with my amazing family, particularly my parents who love me unconditionally and raised me with a strong sense of self. They gave me the confidence and permission to think for myself, make my own decisions and then loved me through the results--regardless of whether those decisions turned out to be achievements or mistakes.

I've been lucky in romantic love beginning with the first love of my life and lover, RJ. I hope my daughter is as blessed with such a first love. We were juniors in high school when we first got together and stayed together through our sophomore year in college. He was a funny, endearing, nurturing, smart and loving boyfriend. He was a considerate, tender, romantic, patient, adventurous first lover. He set the tone for my views on committed relationships and sex. And he broke my heart, simply by growing up and moving on, but he'd left his imprint on my life.

RJ continued the lessons that my parents had begun. He taught me that I was lovable just being myself and that I didn't have to lose myself or deny myself, my needs, or disrespect myself in order for someone to love me. He also taught me that the quality of I love received was a direct response to the quality of love I gave. And lastly, he taught me that loving someone hard can sometimes lead to hurt, but it's so worth the pain. And ever since then, I have loved without fear and learned about myself with every giggle and each tear.

*NOTE TO DAUGHTER: RJ and I were a couple for a year before we had sex. I was 18. There was no coercing or pressure to have sex. I knew that this is who and what I wanted. Our first time together was safe and we were able to spend the night together. It was worth the wait and not only do I have no regrets, I have amazing memories. And like 99.99% of all first times, physical pleasure was not the whole of this sweet encounter. Love was. And that's the memory I get to take into my old age. Let that be your memory too.

Between college and marriage, I loved and left as well as loved and lost a variety of men of various ages, sizes, colors and jobs. Not a regret among the bunch as I learned a lot about myself and life--both romantic and real life. And I remember each one with a smile, even the ones who lied or cheated. They taught me that their issues weren't mine and that I only could only control my actions and reactions, not theirs, but always had the power to decide what was ultimately best for me. I took those lessons into my my ultimate relationship.

I've been lucky in marital love. I met my husband and after a very romantic whirlwind, six days later we were engaged (try breaking that to your boyfriend of a year who just happened to go away for a week and comes back to hear that news!). Because love and I were no strangers by this point, I knew he was Mr. Right. And guess what, on paper he should have been all wrong. He was a graduating senior, I'd been out of school four years (and dating a VP at a brokerage firm). He had no money, no job and we hadn't even had sex. But my heart knew and I went for it. May 31 is our 23 wedding anniversary. We have two fantastic kids and have had a great life together. He's been a partner on Wall Street during his twenty plus year stint in the financial business. We have a great house and have traveled the world together. We've had our ups and downs and have laughed a lot together and cried a lot too. CW taught me that the best lovers are friends and that love morphs into a variety of shapes as the decades go by but ultimately, remains love.

Okay, so here are the lessons I've learned and the reasons why LOVE is number one on my gratitude list. Love is the one thing we all desire and say we want but it's also the thing that we seem to understand the least and fear the most. I learned that unless that you love yourself first and understand your worth, you'll always be looking for love in other people and that's a recipe for disaster. I've learned that love is God and God lives in each one of us. I've learned that if you fear love you'll never grow as a person and that loving full out is better than protecting your heart. I've learned that love isn't always meant to be forever but its lessons and memories are, and that the only way you can get good at love is to DO it, FEEL it, SHARE it. I've learned that if love goes unattended it will die. I learned that the more love you give the more love you get and that sex without love can be good but sex with love is FRICKIN'GREAT. I've learned that loving yourself makes you FEEL sexy and loving someone else makes you ACT sexy.

Love...Pass it on!

Countdown to Fifty

I turn fifty in twenty-four days. It is my intent to blog about the top 25 things I've learned to love about myself, my life, my age and the world in my half century of life. It was my intent to begin today.

But life throws you curves. I learned this May Day that God indeed has a sense of humor.

Today I received my AARP card in the mail. It came the same day I received the news that I have to get braces. I'm so confused. The AARP card goes with my newly sprouted gray hairs (two to be exact). The braces will team up nicely with my adult acne.

My fifty and fabulous mindset has been momentarily altered.

Instead of blogging, I'm going to go have a cocktail or two and try to sort all this out. I'll be back tomorrow.

Indulge Yourself

I was encouraged by the results of April's poll. Looks like the majority of you, 93% to be exact, have no problem indulging yourself with the things you love. Here's what you indulge yourself with:

Travel: 27%

Food/Wine: 15%

Stuff: 33%
(Handbags, jewelry, etc.)

Other: 18%

For the rest of you who say you never indulge yourself, I offer this food for thought: There is a huge difference between self-ish and self-ness. Showing yourself a little love by giving yourself something that makes you feel good about being you is not only right but necessary. Occasionally indulging yourself (the same way you indulge others you love) can be just the show of love you need to get you through or celebrate you.

And think about this. If you're unwilling to shower yourself with a little attention and affection now and again, why should anyone else?

What do you think?

A Little Off the Sides and Top and That's It

Be warned. This blog entry will surely fall under the category of T.M.I. (Too Much Information) and I apologize right up front. But damn it, I've had it with all the waxing and shaving of my nether regions. In a month I'll be 50. I've earned the right to be comfortable in my underpants!

Now before you go off, spreading the rumor that I am a hairy, unkempt mess, understand--I am not talking about keeping things trim and tidy. Good grooming does include keeping up the bikini lines (as well as shaved legs and underarms). There is nothing sexy about wearing gorgeous panties or a fab bathing suit and having unsightly tufts of hair escaping from the sides. I mean, not everything looks great fur trimmed.

No, I'm talking about the pain and stress (and not to mention the annoying itch)of running a sharp razor over your most delicate body party or applying hot wax to one's tender privates and ripping the hair out by its root. Ouch. I'm in pain just thinking about it.

For years I have, like many of you I'm sure, been victim to the cultural phenomena and model mentality of nary-a-hair-down-there. I don't know who started the drum beat demanding that grown women's genitals should be as smooth and clean as the babie's behinds they were changing. I'm pretty sure it began with those damn Brazilian supermodels and the industry that spawns them. (You know, models seem to be the root of a lot of our unrealistic body image issues and beauty rituals (hemorrhoid creme for under eye swelling, toothpaste on pimples, cocaine and cigarettes for weight loss, but that's a whole other blog.)

When I look back, I think I bought into the whole Brazilian look because it made me feel sexually daring in a private, I've-got-a-secret kind of way. Only my husband and I (and my gynecologist, poor man) knew and for the first few weeks after getting it done, I did walk around with panties full of sensations. But then, the dreaded new growth began to rear it's ugly, itchy head and my sexy strut melted into a uncoordinated, idiotic, slow motion gallop while I attempted to relieve the unbearable itch with my inner thighs. And God knows, any private moment became a monumental scratch-fest. It was like carrying a porcupine in my underpants, and not in a good way. And the only immediate relief? To pay good money to one of the sisters to spread my legs, pour hot wax between them and let 'er rip.

To be truthful, I only got waxed twice. But I shaved nearly clean for years and between the nicks, ingrown hairs, and cactus coochie I just can't take it any more. My husband is disappointed.

Did I mention my husband loved it? Did I mention that the first time I did it was because he'd been hinting about it for months? Initially, I did it to please him. Yeah, just like a man. Now if I asked him to go in and have his berries waxed because I found it to be a huge turn on, what do you think he'd say? Exactly. Hell frickin' no! I can't even get him to clean up his bathroom sink, and can I tell you how hot that would make me!

My scissor trims are keeping me neat and tidy and you know what I learned? I still feel sexy because I've reached a point in my sensual/sexual life where I've learned that what I think has much more to do with what I feel and how I behave, than what I wear (or don't). I'm not sorry I investigated the naked nookie, it pleased my lover but more importantly it made me feel scandalous and naughty without any kind of public acknowledgment. And those feelings are what now drive my sense of sexual daring. Now that's true power, and so, so much more comfortable!

What do you think?

The Big O in Om: Yoga for Hotter Sex

Most of you know that I love yoga. Here's one of the reasons why! Enjoy this article from Prevention.com

Yoga Positions for Better Sex

Enlightenment is great and all, but doing yoga will also pay off in a very immediate,
extremely earthy way: in the sack.In ancient times yogis practiced abstinence from sex so that all of their energy could be directed toward yoga and spiritual advancement. Makes you wonder: How could these supposedly wise guys have gotten it so wrong?

Today yoga lovers are finding that more time on the mat means more--and steamier--time spent reveling in their newly toned bodies. To take a walk on yoga's carnal side, add these sex moves to your yoga routine for overall better sex. Or just do them by themselves to turn up the heat.

Flex Time Is Sex Time
Having more flexible muscles and joints definitely helps in assuming those compromising positions. Opening your hips in particular gives you a wider range of motion in your nether regions, allowing for more direct stimulation in just the right spots. After all, one micro-movement in missionary is sometimes all it takes to ring the bell.

Sex Rx: Bound Angle In a seated position, bring the soles of your feet together, put your hands on your ankles, allow your knees to relax toward the floor, and hinge forward at the hips as far as is comfortable. Hold for 10 to 15 complete breaths (inhales and exhales).

Power Up the Pelvis
Strengthening one key muscle helps you engage and lift the pelvic floor, bringing you more sensation and control during your sex moves.

Sex Rx: Root Lock You may also hear this referred to by its Sanskrit name, Mula Bandha. Seated or standing, contract and then release the pubococcygeus muscle located between the pubic bone and the tailbone, as if you wanted to stop the flow of urine. You can even do this at your desk, say, 10 times at three workday intervals.

Sex Goddesses Go the Distance
Shake-the-headboard sex moves are hard work. "The better shape you are in, the more pleasure you have and the longer you can do it," says Kimberly Fowler, owner of Yoga and Spinning Studio in Venice, California.

Sex Rx: Yoga Pushups Start in the pushup position, arms extended. Engage your abs as you lower your body slowly toward the floor. Stop when your torso is about 2 to 3 inches away. Keeping elbows in, hold there for five breaths, then lower to the floor. Repeat three times at first and build up to five.

Charge Up the Bed Batteries
A killer day at work can leave you too beat to boogie. But a few minutes of nonstrenuous yoga when you get home can mean one less night with Netflix and one more erotic evening entwined with your sweetie.

Sex Rx: Legs Up the Wall Change into some yoga-friendly clothes. Lie on your back with one hip touching a wall. Swing your legs up and turn your body so you face the wall, legs resting against it from heels to butt, arms at your sides. Bring your awareness to your breath and focus on it for 5 minutes. This position allows more oxygen-rich blood to flow from your lower body back up to the heart and the brain, so you'll get up reenergized, refocused, and ready to rumble.

Breath of Desire
While most yoga poses help prepare you for a libidinous rendezvous, this breathing exercise can actually heighten your pleasure in flagrante.

Sex Rx: Breath of Fire While you're in the act, take rapid, forceful, and rhythmic breaths through your nose with your mouth closed. Don't worry if your partner thinks you're hyperventilating; he'll forget all about it when you reach a spine-tingling climax (and no doubt take credit for your fulfillment).

Double Your Pleasure
Practicing yoga with your man is like foreplay, says Jacquie Noelle Greaux, creator of the Better Sex Through Yoga video series. "You start to breathe together, sweat together, and move together. It gets your energy synched up." Some mat work might make him more sex-imaginative as well. "Yoga sparks creativity," Fowler says. "Women don't want bang-boom from a man, they want an explorer--and yoga invites you to explore."

Effort is Sexy

There is a radio commercial playing here in the New York area that makes me want to scream every time I hear it. The advertisement is for Lowes Stores and it features a woman who comes home to find that her husband has proudly set up a spontaneous and romantic dinner in their backyard for the two of them. Is she thrilled and astonished and blown away like she should be? No, because there's a problem. He's moved the dining room furniture outdoors because they don't yet have patio furniture.

So instead of being blown away by his thoughtfulness and inventiveness, and sitting her grateful behind down to enjoy a romantic evening with her man, the girl goes on and on about their next door neighbor, Steve. See Steve did it right. Steve went to Lowes and bought a real outdoor dining table and chairs. Steve did it right because, dining room furniture belongs in the dining room not outdoors. The ungrateful biyatch didn't even acknowledge his effort AND her husband then starts acting all apologetic and sorry. Okay, they deserve each other.

I see this all the time. Women who complain about their men not being attentive or romantic or helpful with the kids or household chores. Let's face it, some guys are just lazy slugs when it comes to helping around the house or flexing their romantic muscles. Sorry ladies if your guy truly falls in that category. But there are plenty of men who make the effort to please but are constantly slapped down for not doing things the 'right way', which in translation means 'your way.' Then these same women want to complain about feeling unappreciated or having to do everything and never getting a break.

Ladies, your man always gets points for trying. Let him learn to do things--from diapering the baby to cooking the lasagna to planning a romantic evening--his way. Let him know how much you appreciate his effort even if the flowers he selected aren't your favorite or he didn't make spaghetti sauce using your recipe (having hot dogs in your sauce won't kill you, just ask my mother!). Be flexible enough to understand that if he's making the effort to please, he gets credit.

Let live. Let love.

What do you think.

Some of My Favorite Sensual Movies

When I am getting ready to start a new book, I start watching a lot of movies. It's a ritual that began with my first novel, Read Between the Lies, and has continued to this day. They inspire me and help get me in the storytelling mood. I always include some of my favorites in this ritual, movies I can watch over and over and never tire of. I thought I'd share with you some the most sensual movies in my collection.

To be clear, I'm talking movies that flex your sensory muscles, they entice all five of your senses to the point that you almost feel like you are experiencing the action. And even without the overt sex scenes, they all are very sexy.

1) Walk in the Clouds. A sweet, sensual love story of a WWII soldier who falls in love with the daughter of a wealthy Mexican aristocrat in California. This is one of the most sensually packed movies I've ever seen. I love it and never seem to tire of its rich, luscious sensuality.

2) Thomas Crown Affair I like both versions, the classic and the remake but I am particularly drawn to the Pierce Brosnan and Renee Russo's version. This is a sexy, cat and mouse game that showcases a strong, confident, sexy woman of a certain age, who still remains vulnerable and feminine. The soundtrack is awesome and the love scene in the entry and in the study is awe-inspiring.

One of my favorite filmmakers is the Mira Nair, a fabulous director from India. She has been hailed as “refreshingly unafraid to depict beautiful, lustful women who openly express their desires”. I wholeheartedly agree. You may have heard of or seen her movies, Mississippi Masala and Vanity Fair. Two of my favorite movies are directed by her.

3) Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love This movie is so sensually hot! Take an Indian Prince, his virgin bride, a sensual servant girl and her forbidden love, combine it with lush,colorful Indian scenery , lessons in the kama sutra and a tear-jerk love story and you have an amazing tale of love and illicit lust. Tasteful but oh so HOT! HOT! HOT!

4) Monsoon Wedding Again, an Indian love story full of family secrets and forbidden love. What I love about Mira Nair's movies are that they are about women who are fighting cultural taboos in their quest to live their own truth. As always, a rich, sensory experience.

4) Memoirs of a Geisha This is a visually stunning adaption of the best-selling book and is luxurious, ethereal and intoxicating. And to top it off, it has many lessons to learn on enticement and the power of seduction. Okay, the scene where Sayuri is taught how to stop a man in his track with one look is priceless and proves that true charm is indeed international affair.

Watch. Learn. Enjoy!

Tie Me Up; Tie Me Down

This month's poll was about fantasizing. I decided to ask because at my last workshop we got into a discussion about the pros and cons of fantasizing while you're making love. There were many opinions but they mostly boiled down to the four questions that were posed on the poll. Before we get into a short discussion (okay, before I give you MY opinion on the subject), here are the results of March's survey:

40% of you fantasize often when you're making love as you find it a big turn on.

30% of you say occasionally but only when you need a little boost.

20% of you rarely fantasize because it distracts you from the business at hand.

10% of you never fantasize because in your minds it's cheating.

Your numbers stack right up with what my anecdotal data reveals--we ladies do have a very active sexual imagination. Though, it's my humble opinion that fewer women are as turned on by pornography as men, I don't know too many women who at one point or another who haven't had some pretty saucy, XX-rated thoughts pole dancing in their heads.

I personally believe that fantasizing is healthy and oh so necessary (girl, please, I have been married for 23 years). Fantasizing about Denzel, Brad, George, or that yummy Lamman How-can-you-NOT-want-to-bring-him-home-in-your-head Rucker (did you see him in Why Did I Get Married?)is not a bad thing. The joy of a pleasurable ‘mind job” is that you don’t have to be responsible, reasonable or safe for that matter. Letting your mind be a sexy playground where you can fulfill every side of your sexual self—-even the freaky side, which will probably never see the light of day, but can be some serious fuel to keep that lusty home fire burning,--and nobody ever has to know--unless you choose to share.

And for the most part, most women don't. Surveys show that what goes on in your head stays in your head because more women would rather have their fantasies remain just that--an imagined event--than actually bring them to life. I agree. Who wants to risk that the object of your lust has bad breath or hammer toes? Or that your body would actually break into hives if you tried to wear latex?

We try not to judge any one's decisions here at WMS, but like flirting I don't think that married women fantasizing about someone else other than their husbands is an act of infidelity. Trust me, he'd rather you do it your head than out on the street!

Do understand that this isn't about creating a secret sex life that becomes more fulfilling as your real one. If it does, then I think you do have a problem and it is closer to cheating. And I'm not talking about cheating on him but rather cheating yourself out of your God-given right to a wonderful sex life. I do think that if you can't get or stay aroused with your partner without fantasizing that maybe you need to look at your relationship because the need to constantly escape is telling you something. And like men who become addicted to Internet porn, you don't want your fantasy world to breech the all important intimacy between you and your lover.

Having said all that,here are a couple of tips for those of you in committed relationships:

1) Let your lover watch. In your head of course! Every once in a while make him part of the fantasy. Let him be the voyeur tied up in the corner who sees you at your wicked best. I know it sounds a little strange, but it has been my experience that taking him with you every now and again to fantasy land goes a long way in keeping him with you in the real world.

2) Share them with him. Keep track of your fantasies and write them down in a beautiful journal. Give them to him as a gift and use it to spice up your nights with a little bedtime reading. Or if you're worried about your writing skills go the time honored oral storytelling tradition. And if you are going to share, I'd advise that you definitely make him part of your fantasy. It will be a turn on for both of you.

What do you think?

Get Ready for a Sizzling Summer

The Spring semester of Stiletto University begins the week of May 12th, in just enough time to get yourself ready for one hot and sizzling summer! Brush off those winter blues and spring into a fabulous new you.

Stiletto U is a six-week program dedicated to helping women blossom into the incredible, desirable women they were meant to be. At Stiletto U you'll learn how to bolster your feminine confidence by developing your unique individuality; to charm and disarm any and everyone who crosses your path; to wake up your sexy mind and excel in the art of seduction.

If you'd like to receive the Stiletto U course catalog or would like more information, email stilettou@yahoo.com

PS. Gift certificates are available. A Stiletto U enrollment makes a wonderful and unique Mothers Day gift for the mom in your life, even if that W.O.W. (worn out woman!) is you!

What's Your Passion?

Okay, so I'm at a cocktail reception this weekend and find myself eavesdropping on a most interesting discussion taking place next to me between several men about their sex lives. As I reveled in the chance to get into the heads of three overtly sexual men (research, darling), I huddle up as close as I could without knocking anyone over and caught an ear full. What I heard first got me mad and then made me think.

The men were painfully lamenting over the 'fact' that their wives didn't seem to enjoy sex and had zero passion when it come to lovemaking. One even spoke the asinine words aloud that perhaps the reason New York's ex-governor had spent some $80,000 on prostitutes was because the First Lady wasn't putting out. Hmmm...typical. Blame the woman for not meeting yet another of his needs.

This is the part that made me mad. The idea that men cheat because their women aren't sexual enough. Aren't passionate enough. Aren't attentive enough. And yes, there are those women who aren't very sexual or sexual or attentive but the reasons behind their mindset and inattentiveness are vast and varied, many of which we address right here in this blog. And yoo hoo, what about you? Before you pecked her lips and grabbed your woman between the legs did you even think about the fact that women get turned on first in their heads? That it doesn't matter how many times or how quickly you can make a woman come to orgasm that without the mind fuck passion doesn't really come alive for us? But then to blame us for your cheating? That's just wrong and cowardly.

Chronic cheating is more about a man's own identity crisis, insecurities and inability to be the man he wants to be. Like energy attracts like energy. It goes both ways, bud.

That's all the stuff I wanted to say but didn't because I was supposed to be minding my own business.

But then I started thinking (you know we writers never see anything in strictly black or white. It's the shades of gray that are most interesting to us!). There are an awful lot of women out there who aren't passionate about anything let alone sex. Women who believe that passion is something lived only through their sex lives. They have very little passion about things outside the bedroom and then have trouble turning inside.

Think about it. Have you ever asked yourself, "What am I truly passionate about?" I bet that most of you can't identify a true passion in your life beyond your children, and that can be a stretch on some days.

We tend to think of passion in the same erroneous way we think (or thought before you started reading this blog)of sensuality--as some obscure emotion that we pull out of our sexual trick bag and turn on for the delight of our partner. And it's true, one definition of passion is strong sexual desire and excitement. But true passion is about having a sincere zest for life. It's about finding wonder and excitement in all aspects of your life, not just in the bedroom.

Passion is not something someone bestows on you or turns on within you. If it's there, they can turn in up but you're the only one who can actually turn it on. And you can fake it for sure, but why live with fraudulent passion when you can have the awe-inspiring real thing? What fun is that?

Live with passion in all areas of your life and you'll find that between the sheets, it becomes a natural extension of who you truly are--not someone you're trying to be. Learn to live with passion and you'll soon learn that you were never lacking sexual prowess, but rather interest and curiosity in ALL areas of your life.

Living life through your senses is a natural gateway to living with full-on passion. As I've stated many times, when you live with the joyous preoccupation of the wonders all around you, you can't help but become more loving, grateful, appreciative, joyous and yes, passionate. Finding delight in your true nature and taking interest and care of yourself and your appearance will make you feel more confident and interesting, which also ups the big "P" factor.

Get into life. Find joy where you stand. And just watch how much more passionate you become.

What do you think?

Haters

My 15-year-old daughter came home today very excited that she'd earned a spot in advanced placement history class. She was excited and quite proud of herself. She should be. The girl is a worker and when she decides she wants to do something, she gets the job done. I admire her and though I probably tell her less often than I should, she inspires me. Her happiness and sense of self-satisfaction was marred by friends who had not made the list. Suddenly, getting into AP classes wasn't such a big deal. Kind of nerdy in fact.

Her experience immediately took me back to high school when I'd been selected as a homecoming princess and suddenly two of my 'friends' declared that being on the homecoming court was so uncool. Their advice: turn it down. I didn't and we didn't stay friends for much longer. Through the years since, there have been other occasions when the folks I thought had my back were some of the first to prick the bubble and try to let the air out of my excitement.

I told my daughter that story and gave her the same advice I give myself--don't give anyone the power to steal your joy.

Many of my Stiletto U students are dealing with the same issue. They are finding that one negative of finding their sensual, more confident selves has been the emergence of player haters. So I remind them that nothing gained comes without cost. If you want flowers you need rain. And it always seems like the first person to rain on your parade is the friend you expected would share her umbrella.

I think the hardest thing about the haters is their timing. Just when you feel the confidence and strength that comes from recognizing your own value and amazing attributes, here comes Ms. Pissed Off At the World, trying to tear you down for feeling good about yourself. And what makes it doubly bad is that if you've really learned the lessons, you're feeling more accepting of others just the way they are. You understand that there's no reason to tear anybody else down in order to build yourself up. You recognize that your power base comes not from ego but from love of self. So damn it, what's wrong with these heifers! And sadly, it's not just women. Some men in your lives may feel threatened as well.

So for those of you who have made big changes in your life and are also finding a little hatin' going on, think of it this way. With your transformation you have become a mirror. And when some folks look at the confident, sensual, new you, all they see reflected back are all the ways they feel inadequate and lacking. So instead of being happy for you and inspired by your growth, they get angry at you for having the courage to take control of your own success and happiness.

Sometimes the new you will find the need to sit these folks down and try understand their feelings. For some, when the status quo shifts, they are left feeling uncertain of their role. Maybe they've always been the ones who get all of the attention and now here you come. Friend has become competitor in their minds. Often they need to be reassured that just because you've changed doesn't mean everything around you will change too.

But sometimes it's a matter of misery loving company and those 'friends' will often try to hold you back. You will need to weed out those in your garden who are more concerned about choking back your growth than giving you the love and support to help you bloom.

The key is as long as your new found divaesque stature does nothing to belittle or make others feel less about themselves, you're okay and you just need to move on and upward. But always check yourself. Ego ain't sexy. Confidence is.

What do you think?

Shoe News You Can (and Should) Use

I saw this on AOL and thought I'd pass it along. I always knew that shoes made me feel tall and sexy but who knew the other secret benefits!!

From the Editors at Netscape


Call it heel appeal. Women who wear high heels may give their sex life a boost, and it has nothing to do with the effect these sexy shoes have on men and their libido.

Italian urologist Dr. Maria Cerruto of the University of Verona has concluded that walking in higher heels--and they don't have to be stilettos--gives a workout to the pelvic floor muscles, the pleasure muscles that are linked to orgasm.

February Poll Results

The February Question was: When do you wear your sexy unmentionables?

31% said Everyday
5% said On romantic occasions
39% said When they're in the 'mood'
23% said What sexy unmentionables

Boys and Toys

When it comes to boys and toys, the crucial thing for any Weapon of Mass Seduction to remember is that boys are the ultimate toys and anything else you bring to the party are just favors. Toys are never a full-time replacement for boys but sometimes the combination of the two can make it feel like Christmas Eve all year round!

The thing is, some guys are really into the idea but many are not, and it's a good thing to know what side of the toy aisle your man is standing on before you show up to bed with a set of handcuffs and a whip dangling from your hand.

Many men love the idea of their women having a private toy box and are very turned on by the idea of a female confident enough to take her pleasure in her own hands. These men, if given the chance, are thrilled to play with you and if you are so inclined, you should be happy to invite them for a play date. And don't be surprised if he prefers to watch you play with toys than participate. Let your own comfort level be your guide on that one.

But other men may find pleasure toys threatening for the same reasons that some women find porn threatening, because they feel like we don't get turned on by them or that they aren't pleasing us. Others are concerned that over time, you may possibly prefer the steady, always ready vibrator over him.

If your lover is shy about the toy thing, here are some hints for introducing toys into your relationship:

1) It should never be a total surprise. Prime your lover before springing it on him in bed. In fact, make it a new theme for a red hot night.

2) Size does matter. If you show up with a realistic looking sumthin sumthin that is waaaaay larger than his own, you're bound to crush his ego and be sorry you even started this whole thing.

3) Start with toys designed for your pleasure, then find ways to use them for his. Also, start with things that are more sedate in nature--feather dusters, blindfolds, simple vibrators. This helps keep the intimidation factor in check.

4) Practice makes perfect. Before you introduce your playthings into the game, first play and practice with them yourself. The more acquainted you are with how they can be used to increase your pleasure, the more successful your play date will be and the more willing he'll be to try again.

Don't forget, with every new toy purchase you should buy extra batteries AND cleaner. It's really important to clean your toys well after every use.

And lastly, if you prefer to keep your toys to yourself that's all good too.

Enjoy and play nice!

Joys of Toys Part One A

I thought I'd add a few visual aids to go with Vanessa's question in part one of this post. Now because this is a family blog (meaning some members of my family do read this) I'd thought I'd spare my mother the anguish of knowing what's inside the wine gift box sitting on my vanity, and highlight toys you can leave right out on your dresser. By the way, those tall, cylindrical boxes make perfect storage containers that innocently fit into many decors. Sometimes hiding stuff in plain sight can be very effective, though if you have nosy little ones other options might be preferable.

So a few fun facts before the pictorial examples. As I said, 90 percent of women experience clitoral orgasms. Why? Here's a fun fact: the clitoris, the only organ in a woman's body that is strictly for pleasure, has some 8000 nerve endings (that's 4000 more than what guys are working with--good looking out, Mother Nature). For this reason, the vibrator is among the top of most girls' toy list. And the cool thing is that they come in a variety of shapes and sizes, intensity levels and are travel (and airport x-ray machine)friendly. Some are designed for bath and shower play, while some can be worn during the day to make people wonder what the hell you're smiling about. In other words--something for everyone.

Here are a few more. They might surprise you. And yes, they are all 'toys'.

The Joys of Toys Part One

This is a discussion that I've been wanting to do for a long time, ever since I attended a toy party one of my girlfriends hosted last year. It was an racially diverse group of women of various ages (mid-thirties to mid-fifties). Along with the wine and great snacks (none shaped like body parts, thankfully) we were able to peruse the offerings, which included a tame mix of vibrators, lubricants, lotions and potions and all the other sexual novelties you could imagine at your typical suburban soccer moms 'gone wild' gathering. As guests socialized while waiting for the 'big show' the air was heavy with a curious mix of uncomfortable silence and embarrassed giggles, which only grew heavier and more shrill as the sales pitch began.

Surprisingly enough, interest was tepid as we passed along sample products--warming lubricant, lotion to be used for underwater sex, anal lubricant (that got thrown along like the 800 pound hot potato in the room), dildos of various sizes and colors to match any bedroom decor, etc. But interest really picked up when the host got to the products that she pitched as items to increase his pleasure and "hasten things along" and "help make him achieve orgasm faster." It was like listening to an infomercial on cleaning products. Anything that came along that promised to lighten a wife's sexual workload and suddenly everyone was all ears.

I, on the other hand, was highly disappointed. All I kept thinking was, here we go again. Making sex solely about a man's pleasure and keeping women erroneously believing that toys and pleasure sleeves were all part of better performing her job as chief seductress and sex provider.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you're a fequent reader of this blog, you know my position on the need for women to take charge of their own sexuality. And in my humble opinion, the sex toys and the joys they bring are first and foremost for YOUR personal enjoyment and self-education. At some point, of course, he can be invited to the party, but initally these party favors should be initally yours to enjoy.

Here are my top three reasons why adult toys can be important to a true Weapon of Mass Seduction.

1) Taking control of your sexual pleasure. In my workshops I talk a lot about OWNING IT...IT being your unshakable feminine confidence. And part of OWNING IT, is not waiting for or expecting anything or anyone else to be in charge of your happiness, and this includes your sexual happiness. Knowing and loving your body, how it reacts to various stimuli, what turns it on and off, and what brings you to orgasm is truly empowering. And toys allow you to make play dates with your deliciously, wicked bad girl. And while you initially may keep her under wraps, the more comfortable you become with her, the sooner you'll invite others to join in on the fun and games.

2) Tutoring your lover. Seriously, how can you teach a man to please you if you don't know how to please yourself? (listen up those of you out there who have been faking orgasms for years, and you know who you are) And yes, it's all about effectively communicating to him what blows your hair back because every woman is different and what worked with his last lover may leave you feeling cold and bored. And trust me on this ladies, one huge turn on for any man is a woman who knows her body and isn't afraid to pass that information along.

3) Keeping your mind and body wanting sex. I am a chocoholic and I know I'm not alone with my addiction. And as all of us Hersheyheads know, the more you have it the more you want it. The same applies to sex. Have noticed that the longer you go without it the less important it becomes to you? Don't doom yourself to sexual neutrality. Tuning yourself up in between lovemaking sessions keeps your heart and head in the game and an extra beni--your attitude is much more upbeat. Must be releasing all that stress!

So if you haven't already discovered the joys of toys, noodle the above around and consider introducing yourself. Also, check out MyPleasure.com and Goodvibrations.com to further your education. I love these sites because they take the time to educate their customers not only about their products but about sex in general.

Next time we'll talk about the wide variety of toys available. Until then, here's a question from Vanessa:

Q. I've never used a vibrator before and I'm interested in experimenting but truthfully, I find it really intimidating. Where do I begin?

A. Delving into the world of adult toys can be VERY intimidating. I know I was a little lukewarm for quite a while. How can you not be? At face value it can all look very seamy and depraved. Even a sexy soccer mom feels like a fish out of water when walking into a store who's inventory includes blow up sheep, love dolls, a plethora of beads, balls and boxes of who knows what that goes who knows where.

I'd suggest you do what I did and do a little on-line research (check for links on this page) as well as personal recommendations from your girls in the know. Luckily the Internet allows you complete anonymity and you can try out products to your heart's (or Suzy's) desire. Many sites also have staff recommendations as well as customers reviews that can be helpful.

In terms of what to try first, I'd say think about what you like and how you achieve orgasm. Keep in mind that 90% of women reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation so you might want to start with a vibrator, which come in every size and shape. Start there and expand your toy box as time and interest goes on.

Live Love

Happy Valentine's Day! I sincerely hope that this day is full of love and happy, wonderful feeling for all of you.

Today has been put aside for love and I hope you will use the opportunity to really and truly fall in love with yourselves. Let this be the beginning of your new 'love' year resolution to become the best lover you can possibly be.

Whenever I give a workshop, I ask people to raise their hand if they think they are good lovers. Of course nearly every woman in the room raises her hand, often with a nervous chuckle because hey, who doesn't want to believe that they can drop it like it's hot. But when I ask how many are great lovers outside the bedroom, with all their clothes and various body parts in their proper places, suddenly they're not so sure because if they were indeed good lovers, wouldn't they have a man? Wouldn't their marriages feel more intimate? Wouldn't they feel better about themselves?

In my writing classes, I tell students that much of the work of writing a novel comes way before you ever sit down to type the words, once upon a time. The same is true of creating a great love life. Much of the work of being a memorable lover begins way before you ever hit the sheets and it all begins with your attitude about love.

When it comes to love too many of us are satisfied simply experiencing love as a state of mind. We allow love to dwell in our hearts and heads and fuel this emotion with love songs, poems and romance novels. We extend our feelings to only those 'lovers' we deem acceptable and worthy--spouses, children, parents, siblings,friends--and exclude those who don't fit neatly into our heart-shaped box.

Expand your loving state of mind and make it your quest to exist in a loving state of being. Extend the boundaries of your acceptable 'lovers' and fill your world, not just your mind, with loving thoughts and actions. A smile, a thought, a good deed towards a stranger is a good way to start. Be a friend instead of a competitor. Accept and return a compliment with a genuine smile. Ask not what your lover can do for you, but what you can do for your lover!

The only way to receive love is to give it. The only way to be blessed with quality love is to offer quality love in return. You get back what you give.

LIVE love. And remember on this Valentine's Day, a day of self-pity and angst for many, it's not always about WHO you love, but rather DO you love.

What do you think?

Okay...I've exhausted politics and this holiday of hearts topic. Next week I'm going to tackle the subject of many emails I've received over the months...toys (you know what kind of toys!) So pull on your big girl panties, we have lots to discuss! Did you know they have one that looks like a lipstick? Stay tuned.

Why Participate? Because...

So go do your thing this primary season. And by all means, wear heels!

The Power and Politics of Charisma

We're in the middle of the most exciting political season this nation has experienced in a really long time and being the politico I am, I can't help but blog about some of my thoughts. And seeing that I am an advocate of owning and working what you've got this election gives me pause to talk about the one thing that may be the deciding factor in the 2008 presidential election--charisma.

Before I go on, let me clarify what charisma actually is. Charisma is not WHAT you are--your job or status--but WHO you are. Charisma is not simply about beauty, sex appeal and physical attraction. It's your own secret sauce that helps you connect emotionally, intellectually and even spiritually to others. Every man, woman and child has his or her own distinctive brand of 'star quality' and you don't have to be famous to use it to your best advantage.

Your personal charisma might be flashy or flamboyant. Maybe it's quiet and intoxicating or warm and witty. Once you identify yours and really own it, it can become one of your greatest assets when it comes to making friends and influencing people.

Charisma is one common quality shared by some of America's greatest leaders. FDR and JFK had it. Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton too. Nixon, Ford, Carter, George H. Bush not so much. W has it, bless his soul, but stupidity and arrogance are never cute, so his charisma gets canceled out.

Which brings us to our current crop of presidential candidates. Hillary has it in abundance but doesn't seem to feel truly comfortable with her natural charisma and prefers to hide behind cold, no nonsense efficiency. John McCain, well when it comes to charisma he's like white toast--dry and bland. Mitt Romney has an air of charisma about him but his, like Hillary's, appears faux and forced. Mike Huckabee definitely has charisma and works it to his advantage to the dismay of McCain and the RNC. But no person in this campaign comes close to putting their God-given charisma to such successful use as the next President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama.

Have you seen the man work a room? On television you get a sense of the excitement the anticipation of his appearance creates. It's like a Beatles, Jackson Five, Prince, Bruce Springsteen and Hannah Montana concert all rolled into one. In person, his power over the crowd is palpable. I had the privilege of attending a couple of fundraiser for Barack and he has perfected the art of making you feel like you are the only person in the room when he is talking to you. He's witty and charming, exudes confidence and his eye contact and genuine smile project strength. And can I tell you, when Barack unleashes that smile you can't help but smile in return and feel great. And as with any great charmer, making the other person feel good about themselves in your presence goes a long, long way in selling them on your ideas.

Both Hillary and Barack are intelligent and experienced and strongly believe in their policies and commitment to the country. But it's Barack's outstanding charisma, warmth and passion that enables him to challenge other people--people very different from himself--and sway them to his point of view.

In this race, one that is so very tight between two extremely capable candidates, I believe that the razor edge will be Barack's likeability, soulfulness and ability to connect to the hearts and minds of the electorate that will put him over the edge and into the White House.

Study and learn from charismatic people around you. And never underestimate the power of charm and your VOTE!

What do you think?

Yes We CAN

Watch...be awed...be inspired...be courageous...be pro-active...be involved...be courageous enough to believe YOU can...be sexy...vote!