Friday's FYI: Sexplanations, the Science Behind Sex

By Lindsey Palmer & Nicole Yorio

You know that sex makes you feel closer to your guy, that stilettos are totally hot, and that hitting the sheets together feels completely different from satisfying yourself solo — but have you ever wondered why?

Lucky for you, author Jena Pincott sifted through hundreds of scientific studies in order to explain what's behind these and other sexy truths in her new book, Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes? Read on for the answers to three burning questions.

Why do I like and trust him more after sex? You can thank your hormones for this one. "When you cuddle, kiss, or have sex, your body's oxytocin production kicks in," says Pincott. "This so-called hug drug helps you feel closer and more connected by suppressing activity in the part of your brain that processes fear and dampening the production of stress hormones." Orgasm leads to a particularly strong surge of oxytocin. "And because estrogen enhances the effects of oxytocin and we women have much higher estrogen levels than men, we're more likely to experience this touching-leads-to-trusting phenomenon," says Pincott.


Why are high heels sexy? The stuff you strut is more sensual when you're up on your toes, says Pincott: "Heels force your pelvis to tilt so that both your rear end and chest stick out." One study showed that leg lengths 5 percent longer than average are the most attractive, so for most women, a 1.5- to 3-inch heel would create the ideal leg length. "This attraction might be evolutionary, because long legs are associated with better long-term health, which would appeal to a mate," says Pincott. "Plus, much like a peacock flaunts his feathers, which are really quite heavy and a nuisance, a woman teetering in heels can show off her fitness and coordination."

Why is intercourse more satisfying than masturbation?Good sex engages your body and senses (not to mention your emotions) more deeply than masturbation, so it stimulates the production of higher levels of dopamine, the horniness hormone. Now, stay with us here: After orgasm, dopamine levels plummet and another hormone, prolactin, skyrockets to take dopamine's place. "Prolactin is what gives you that feeling of satiety — and the more dopamine you had in your bloodstream during sex, the more prolactin rushes in to replace it afterward," says Pincott. "In fact, prolactin levels are a full 400 percent higher in people when they've just had sex than when they've masturbated." Another one of prolactin's effects you might have noticed: Post-coitus, it puts your partner right to sleep!

Appointments to Make and Keep

As we adjust to the realities of our 'new normal' some of us are as busy as ever, while others are finding more time on their hands. As we strive to restructure our lives, I'd like to propose a list of must-keep appointments to make and keep.

1. Date night. If you're single, this applies to you too. Each week (or if that's not feasible, bi-monthly or even monthly), set aside time for you to romance yourself or your loved one. During these trying times, maintaining intimacy and treating yourself to special moments is paramount to keeping your spirits high.

2. Weekly check-in. Pencil in time each week for an 'I'm okay, you're okay" check-in with your family--be it spouse and kids, parents or siblings. Take the time to make sure you're up-to-speed on the happenings in the lives of the people you love.

3. A visit with Mother Nature. Now that spring is upon us, set aside time each day to commune with nature. Allowing some daily preoccupation with all you hear, see, taste, smell and touch is one way to stay in touch with gratitude and joy.

4. Girl Time. Factor in a little girl time at least once a month. As I have said so often, other women make us better at who we are, so block off a little time to get together with your best friend or friends to lend or receive a little love, laughter and support.

5. Doctor's Office. Good health is sexy. Schedule those appointments you've been putting off. Dental, GYN, annual physical, mammography. Ain't nothing hot about being broke down.

The lesson here? You really are in control of your time, so as the slogan of my mother's group, Mothers Off Duty, proclaims: "Put yourself on the list of people you take care of."

What do you think?

Pull on Your Big Girl Panties

Last night I was celebrating a friend's birthday with a few of my girls. Can I tell you, instead of cocktails it should have been a whine and cheese party. Boy did our conversation cover the gamut. Between strawberry/watermelon martinis, we discussed the bad economy and its impact on everything from our livelihoods, our kid's educations, our relationships and most importantly our attitudes about the future.

You know, alcohol really can be a depressant and sometimes the whole misery loves company thing is way more destructive than productive. For more than an hour our celebration became a pity party and frankly it wasn't fun. The suggestion that we stopped talking about all the negativity and adopt a more positive attitude was shot own by someone who said she could no longer pretend to act positive when everything seemed to be going to hell in a hand basket and she felt anything but. Her argument was that feigning positivity and ignoring reality was just as destructive, if not more, as wallowing in self-pity.

She's right. There is a balance to be struck in order to find a middle ground that is realistically optimistic. And part of striking that balance is the realization that this is one of those times when we need to pull on our big girl panties and realistically deal with the hand we've been dealt while at the same time recognizing that this too shall pass and we will recover.

There is a Japanese proverb that says: Find opportunity in crisis. Maybe the key here is not to feign positivity but instead to find the real thing by embracing the idea that there are times in our lives when we have no other choice but to step back and reevaluate our situations and how we are living our lives. Yes, it's different and adjustment is necessary but there are positives coming out of the new reality. Most of us can no longer afford to buy our way into satisfaction and pleasure. Instead we are eating more dinners at home than out at fancy restaurants. Taking more staycations than vacations. Spending more nights on the couch than on the town. We are being forced to 'find joy where we stand' and more times than not we are standing at home with friends and family. Yes, our lives may indeed be changing but a new norm is presenting itself and it's not all bad. In fact, in many ways it's looking pretty damn good.

So ladies, this is one of those times when being a grown up sucks, but you'll get through this (and by the way, embracing your sensuality is one joyful way to do so...more on this later), and after some reconfiguring and rebuilding, you'll be back stronger and more fabulous than ever.

What do you think?

PS. Of course, even in these trying times your big girl panties should match your bra!

February Poll Results

Here are the poll results for last month's question: Who is it easier to talk about sex with?

50% said their girlfriends

42% said their husbands or lover

7% said they don't talk about sex at all

0% said their children

Kudos to those of you who are owning your sexual selves and sharing with your partners your thoughts, fantasies, doubts and delights.

For those of you who can talk to your girls but not your man, I'd suggest to you that while it's helpful to have the support from sisterfriends, you'll never fully own your sexual selves and until you do, your desire will always remain unfulfilled.

And for those who find it difficult to speak with their children, remember that their sexual values, opinions and hang ups will be shaped by someone--friends, the media, future partners. Shouldn't you have a hand in the process?

Come on! Go talk about sex, baby!

Where Love Throbs

I just finished a long discussion with a Stiletto U student of mine who's feeling in a bit of a quandary. She's been married for nearly five years and is extremely satisfied with her SEX life but is growing increasingly frustrated with her LOVE life. Without revealing any confidences, here's Jesse's (not her real name) issue in a nutshell.

She and her husband are very much in love and in sync in so many areas of their life together, particularly in the bedroom. Lucky girl, she proudly brags of a sex life that is off the chain. She and her man have great chemistry and a soulful connection that expresses itself through lots (and she stresses lots) of creative, loving, satisfying sex. From foreplay to sex play to cuddling together to bask in the after glow, their love is expressed through sex on the regular.

But apparently, that's where the loving gestures stops.

"I know he loves me. He is a good man and a good husband in every way," Jesse expressed, "but where's the romance? It's like the sex is so good that in his mind, it's enough. I hate to complain but I need more."

By more, Jesse means that she still feels the need for romantic expressions outside the bedroom. But emotionally, her husband does little to make her feel appreciated or thought about or admired and valued beyond sex. Cards, gifts, etc. are only part of a scheduled celebration--her birthday, Valentine's Day or their anniversary--and even though she's grateful, they feel kind of trite and predictable.

"I want him to flirt with me other than times he wants to have sex. Everything he says or does that's sweet or complimentary is a prelude to sex."

Jesse confided in me because she doesn't know what to say to him. She's afraid that by complaining she will upset him and their great sex life and despite dissatisfaction in other areas, she does not want to upset that apple cart.

Here's what I told her. First, understand that while love throbs in the chest of most women and spreads south, for most men it is the exact opposite. Men tend to express their love largely through sex. They bond through being physically connected with their woman, and satisfying love making is how a man knows that you love him. Reaching his orgasm is how and when your man feels most connected to you and that's the feeling he longs for and can't get enough of.

(Knowing this fact about men is helpful because it explains a lot about why they crave energy, consistency, passion and frequency when it comes to sex. This is why using sex as a tool of manipulation is counterproductive will never have a good outcome.)

On the other hand, I told Jesse that she has every right to express her need for more
BALANCE in their relationship. And she should approach the subject like any grown woman who OWNS her desire should, by respectfully and honestly letting her man know that she's more than willing to meet his needs as long as he's willing to meet hers.

Here's a sample script I offered her:

"I love knowing that you desire me so much. And I don't want that to change. I want and need the wonderful, luscious, crazy, amazing, loving sex we have but I also need you to make me feel appreciated and special and sometimes, that means doing and giving 'stuff' not necessarily expensive stuff, but tokens of affection that say you love and appreciate, think of me and adore me in and out of bed. It's the little things that make people feel valued. I am not asking for big flourishes, just small and steady shows of affection. I am sure that we can work together to find a happy medium that is meaningful for both of us."

Yes, we girls know that this is basically Girls 101 material, but men can be surprisingly dimwitted (and I mean that in only the nicest way) when it comes to romance, especially when they are already feeling satisfied and filled with love.

But we also can be dimwitted when it come to asking for what we want, and instead of expressing our needs, swallowing them unsaid and letting them fester into anger and resentment.

Let your man know that effort is sexy! If handled gracefully and without confrontation, he'll appreciate your honesty, especially if you let him know that his being nice to you outside the bedroom will only make things better inside!

What do you think?

January Poll Results

In January we asked the question: What keeps you from having more sex?

30% said lack of a partner

8% said lack of interest IN my partner

23% said lack of interest BY my partner

21% said lack of time or energy

15% said lack of confidence

If you look through this blog, you'll see previous posts on sex from sexual chemistry to the importance of sex on the brain that will hopefully help you navigate through some of your issues.

Additionally, listed below are some of the health benefits associated with regular sex. Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a New York sex therapist, says there are 10 distinct ways in which sex has a positive physical effect.

• Relieves stress
• Boosts the immune system
• Burns calories
• Reduces stroke and heart attack risks
• Boosts self-esteem
• Improves intimacy
• Reduces body pain
• Lowers prostate cancer risk
• Strengthens pelvic muscles
• Helps you sleep better

Sex does a body good!

Love Yourself Today

Guess What Your Man Wants for Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day and if you haven't already gotten your gift for your mate or you'd like to supplement the one you have with one he'd really enjoy, you're in luck. I did a quick, unscientific poll asking men what they would enjoy as a gift for this Valentine's Day. I was astounded that nearly every response asked for the same things. Here are some their answers. The best part is that these are gifts that won't cost you a cent but will buy you a lot.

"Most men of my generation see Valentine's Day as a day when they are the givers not the receivers, but if I could have anything, it would be the chance to spend some real time together."

"The best Valentine's gift that a woman can give a man is encouragement or any expression of gratitude."

"I think our time on Valentine's Day would be best spent trying to figure out how we can be better spouses/lovers/partners, etc. every other day of the year."

"Support and encouragement is the best - fortunately, I feel like I have that! Also, I want all of my women in my home to be happy tomorrow."

"A card and a kiss--as an old married man. As a young single dating man, I want some gluteous maximus."

"I don't expect anything on this day which would be different from other days. Valentines, like Halloween, has been exploited by the retail industry. Before you tag me as a bah humbug - I love Christmas, Easter, Independence Day, MLK Day - each recognize a historical event or person. The story of St. Valentine has been lost."

"I would like to get through Sportscenter without any interruptions. No questions, no comments, nothing."

"Hell, just give me 60 minutes of uninterrupted sleep."

"A weekend, all paid for, in a nice hotel, room service, and sex all weekend."

"Quality time together. Just a great night--wine, candles, cooking together, just talking and making each other laugh, not dealing with crowds."

Interesting, huh. Encouragement, support, gestures of appreciation, quality time. Wrap it up and put a bow on it!

Join Me for a NY C Workshop February 10

How to Use Your Sensual Power to Enhance Your Love Life AND Your Business Life


Society teaches women that we should feel sensual only when we are acting sexual, but by eliminating sensuality from daily life, we often find ourselves living without truly feeling alive. Sensuality is an untapped empowerment tool that can have a profound effect on the way you view and interact with the world. From the bedroom to the boardroom, learn how to elevate your sensual esteem and tap into your unique sensuality in order to create an extraordinary atmosphere in which to work, live, and love.

~ Rediscover your sensual world

~ Learn to charm, disarm, and S.E.L.L. yourself in an authentically confident way

~ Discover ways to get your sexy back

Date: Tuesday, February 10th

Time: 6:45pm ~ 9:00pm
Mingle, Presentation, Introductions, Door Prizes

Place: T-Salon tea café
Chelsea Market, 75 Ninth Ave, btwn 15 & 16 st. Walk all the way to the back.

Admission: Members $20.00,

Non-Members $25.00,

Cash or Checks preferred

RSVP at 646-932-3237 or robynwws@gmail.com.

Raising Sensual Sons

I was recently perusing the aisles of Victoria's Secrets on a buying trip for my daughter. So there I was in the PINK section (read teen VS), trying to find age-appropriate draws (not too sexy but not too childish) for my soon-to-be sweet sixteen girl and trying to figure out exactly at what point low-rise actually became synonymous with band-aid, when a woman walked through the front door with her son. The mom looked to be in her late 30's and her son, I'd say somewhere between 10 and 12. Hand-in-hand they stepped past the hoodies and sweats; boy shorts, bikinis and thongs adorned with hearts and puppies, and just as they are about to cross the threshold into grown and sexy land, the woman yanked him back and said,

"Close your eyes, there are women's unmentionables in here." She then proceeded to pull this poor boy through the store and up to the cashier's desk to take care of her return.

Okay, so you know I stood there clutching a handful of cotton with that crazy "you're kidding me, right?" look sprayed across my face. I mean we weren't in a sex shop or at a nude fashion show or even the VS Angels runway show for that matter. We were in underwear store--albeit one that caters to those who adore the feel of satin and lace on their skin--but an underwear store nonetheless. I watched as this (IMHO) sad and ridiculous example of the blind leading the blind, and thought, Well there's another one some future woman is going to have to train.

Instead of making her son close his eyes like he was at some kind or dirty little peep show, she should have let him take in the wonderment of ladies lingerie and grabbed this as an opportunity to teach him how to appropriately admire ladies and their sensual ways, beginning with the idea that his mama is a woman. I recognize that these kind of talks can be tough, but I have always found that it's the matter-of-fact, age appropriate message that makes it so much easier to speak about and listen to.

As I stood there, in my mind, I relived a past conversation.

"What are you laughing at?"
"There's no butt in those underwear."
"Well, I guess they do look a little funny, but they have a purpose. When ladies where them under their pants or skirts you don't see the lines of their panties."
"What are those?"
"Garter belts. Some women use them to hold up their stockings instead of wearing pantyhose."
"I'm glad boys don't have to wear that kind of stuff."
"Well, boys don't have breasts so they don't need bras and they wear different kinds of pants so they don't need the same kind of undergarments. Besides I like wearing them."
"Why?"
"Because they make me feel pretty and special."

I pretty much had this exact conversation with my son, who is now nearly 20. Over the years we've had a multitude of conversations ranging from don't diss the third grade girls who like you but you don't like (she is braver than you because she had the courage to tell you how she felt and risk being rejected. You're fortunate that someone likes you that way. Be nice and kind)to oral sex (Oral sex is SEX and all sex is mutual and respectful so don't expect any woman to do for you what you won't do for her)to girls who cry (there is a difference between a girl who cries to manipulate you and one who is genuinely distressed. Recognize the difference, treat both gently but understand that Miss Drama is Her Middle Name, is going to be more trouble in the long run).

Talking is always good, and the mother-to-son conversation is especially important. Ladies, it's our jobs as mothers to counter the asinine and inappropriate media messages our sons receive and teach them to respect and admire women, even in their underwear. We have to help them understand body image and that the airbrushed bodies they covet in those videos and magazines aren't the bodies of most real women and even if they do start out that way, age, childbirth, hormones etc. will alter that temporary perfection. They need to understand the difference between sexy women and tempting tramps and to respect themselves enough to walk away from what may be readily available but potentially troublesome. You need to show by example that smart and confident is the kind of sexy that is true and lasting.

Come on moms, help an up-and-coming sister out. Teach your sons to be a respectful, responsible, tender, appreciative husband and lover for the lucky girl out there who will eventually be his.

What do you think?

250 Years of Seduction in Fashion

The Museum at the Fashion Institute of Technology presents "Seduction," the first chronological survey to explore 250 years of sexuality in fashion.

Seduction is traditionally defined as an act of temptation and enticement, often sexual in nature. Throughout history, men and women have utilized seductive clothing to enhance physical attractiveness, as well as to convey a sense of power and social status. The Museum at FIT presents "Seduction," the first chronological survey to explore 250 years of sexuality in fashion.

Featuring at least seventy looks and forty accessories, "Seduction" examines the complex relationship between seduction and clothing, presenting a visual history of sexuality, moral standards, and social norms - all observed through the prism of fashion. Examples include a black satin Belle Époque corset, red satin Manolo Blahnik stilettos, and a skintight black leather evening gown by John Galliano for Christian Dior.

"The proximity of clothing to the body is inherently sensual, conveyed through the strategic interplay of exposure and concealment," said Colleen Hill, curator of "Seduction."

"Seduction" is on view through June 16, 2009 in the Fashion and Textile History Gallery at The Museum at FIT. Admission is free.

Redefining Sex

How do you define sex?

If you’re like most people, your definition probably includes begins and ends with the words, ‘intercourse’ and ‘orgasm.’ Well, ladies, I think it’s time we had a discussion about redefining sex beyond intercourse.

The clinical definition of sex is the one that most of us use to define our own ideas on what sex is. Clinically defined ‘intercourse’ is the penetration of a vagina with a penis, culminating with male ejaculation. This is very different from ‘sex,’ which includes all sexual techniques, big and small, designed to create and enhance intimacy and physical pleasure, whether or not orgasm is achieved.

Why is defining what sex is for yourself so important? Because when you do, each tender loving, erotic moment is still ‘sex’ and the wasted energy expended on anger and guilt for not 'putting out' is gone. By redefining the sex act, you are also training yourself and your lover that cuddling, kissing, petting etc. is all good and that there are times when ‘sex’ comes on your terms.

We women are so caught up in the erroneous perception that our role in the bedroom is that of sexual servant and partner pleaser that we have given up not only consideration for our own pleasure but also the incredible POWER that we possess but rarely, if ever, tap into.

This is an important lesson for women to learn from the gitgo because as life progresses and more life events occur i.e. marriage, children, menopause, and god-forbid, illness, managing your (and his) sexual desires and expectations becomes increasingly important.

What do you think?

December Poll Results

Here are your poll results for December. The question was: All I want for Christmas is...

7% said More Time for Me
17% said More Money
20% said More Love
50% said More Sex
47% said All of the Above

I love you, my lovely, lusty ladies! Half of you said you wanted more sex in your life while nearly the same said you want it all.

So the question is: What are you going to do to bring more of what you want into your life? Are you going to stand aside and wish for what you want or step up and make things happen?

While our nation and the world is in the midst of this major correction and busy trying to find its center, you should be taking this opportunity to prepare yourself for the life you want. You can line up and be part of the B & M chorus (that's bitch and moan) or you can be part of the Do and Be crowd. Take a guess which group is going to achieve results faster?

How do I get started, you ask? First sit down and interview yourself about what you love and hate about your life as it is right now. Make two lists, one of all the things you truly want to eliminate in your life this year. All the negative, toxic things that are keeping you from being the magnificent woman you are meant to be. Be honest but gentle with yourself. Read it out loud and then burn the list as a sign of your unburdening yourself of these things.

Make a second list of all the great things you love about who you are and what you do. Use this list to build upon the positive changes you want to create during 2009.

Then take the rest of this month to hone in on your top priorities for change in your life this year. Put them in order of importance to you and under each, list just three ways you can start NOW to make these things come to fruition. Three things. They don't have to be huge. They can be small as long as they move you forward. So if you want to bring more love (or sex or money or truth) in your life, list three ways that you can begin that process. Work on one priority at a time or all at once, depending on your ability to multitask.

Here are a few of my favorite saying that you can adopt to spur you on: Where your mind goes your butt follows. Change your attitude; change your life. Wishing doesn't make it so. Seek Balance, Find Happiness.

What do you think?

Snow Angels and Other Gifts of Innocence

Happy 2009! I've finally sat down (okay sobered up) long enough to reflect a bit on Christmas past.

I don't know about you, but I was happy as hell to see 2008 head on out the door (with the imprint of my size 8 stiletto planted firmly on its behind). What a year! Yes, we elected President-elect Obama but that joy was swiftly replaced by the reality of a deep economic recession that touches all of us--no matter how high or low on the hog we're accustomed to living. By Thanksgiving we were all left feeling scared, uncertain, vulnerable and just a little bit helpless.

And then the holiday season kicked into high gear and with it the need to give our families (particularly our kids) the kind of comfort and joy they are used to feeling around this season, while now, we broke-ass Santas were feeling a lot less jolly.

But, as they say, with every cloud there is a silver lining. I decided to let go and let God but also loose and let laughter reign. Once I stopped worrying about the fact that I couldn't surround myself or family with the high pricedthings this Christmas, I had this major 'ah ha' moment. A lot of expensive stuff may not be possible but I could surround them with pleasure and that's when I decided to give myself and my family the gift of returned innocence.

First, I made the house look and smell as joyous as possible. Fresh pointsetta plants, cinnamon scented pine cones and candles, a fresh pine tree decorated with treasured ornaments and colorful lights (wasn't in the mood for serene, classic white lights this year). Candlelight sparkled everywhere, every night. Music filled the house and though there was more room under the tree than in previous years, Christmas was alive and well in the Woolridge household.

Without all the shopping to do, we rediscovered how amazing the season could be. We cooked for family and friends--everything from gumbo to pork tenderloin with red onion jam. I also took myself into Manhattan for the sole purpose of walking, watching, window shopping and really enjoying the holiday ambiance--something after all of these years of living just outside of the city I rarely did. I didn't step foot into one store but instead witnessed a true wonderland. The majestic tree and colorful ice skaters in Rockerfeller Center, the decorated shop windows, the horse drawn buggies and the amazed and happy faces of tourists who picked a great time to witness New York City for the first time. The herds of smiling face blocking the streets as the Radio City Hall Christmas show let out. I sat in St. Patrick's Cathedral and prayed and meditated for a better year for all of us and was gifted by a chorus of angels rehearsing for Christmas mass.

It was fabulous, soul-stirring, smile-rendering and but for train fare--free.

And then it snowed. My world was covered in white, glistening snow just as Christmas time should be. And leaving behind all of their video games, ipods, iphones, and on- line social sites, my nearly grown kids went out and played in the snow. Snowball fights ensued, snow angels took flight and hot chocolate awaited them.

Santa regifted us with innocence this Christmas. It kind of sounds corny as I write this all down but to let me know that 2009 is going to be all right after all. It also reminds me that sensual living usurps material living any and every day.

What do you think?

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

I had so many ideas to blog about this holiday season...Naughty or Nice...Sensual Gifts for Friends and Lovers...Rediscovering the Gift of Simple Innocence, but alas,time has slipped away and I find myself with just enough time at my computer to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. I wish you love and peace of soul this holiday season. Live sensually. Love hard!

Intimate Engagements

So last night, one of my Unleash the Sensual You classes had a reunion at an inviting shop called Intimate Engagements in Montclair, New Jersey. It's a wonderful shop that is all about sensual pleasure and a far, far cry from the usual often sleazy toy shops.

The sensuality/sexuality on display was inspiring to say the least, and by the time I got there, these girls were stocking up on everything from love coupons to lipstick vibrators.

Two of my lovely ladies had fast approaching 'intimate engagements' with new lovers and they were stocking up on items that they thought would make their first evening together "special." We're talking four arms full of games, sex dice, eye masks, kiss coupons and fantasy cards.

Wow! Was my first reaction. "Let's chat," was what came out of my mouth.

Now, if you read this blog on the regular you know that I am a true believer in the joys of toys, but contrived and kitchy sex games, not so much. So, let me share with you the advice I gave to these two special women.

Yes, every woman wants to impress a new lover. It's human nature that we want to be seen as confident, hot, sexual goddesses, but the first time is not the time to pull out the overflowing toy box. First off, men too have performance anxieties when it comes to a new lover, and the idea that you have loaded up with a basketful of 'aides' may not go over the way you imagined. Also, you don't want to put a damper on a good time because the toy experiments fail or the Kama Sutra powder causes an asthma attack or flavored oil makes his lips swell. Get to know his natural, sexual preferences before you introduce handcuffs into the game.

You want to be confident and sexual but not contrived and unimaginative. Use things like kiss coupons and sexual fantasy games as inspiration. Find interesting ideas and present them as your own (hell yes that's allowed!) and then sit down at the computer to make up your own cute coupons and invitations. Effort is sexy! You get extra hottie points when a man knows you put in time and creativity on his behalf.

What really makes sex special with you is the fact that it is with YOU. The key to a 'special' first time is to be relaxed, confident, and turned on before you even say hello. Worry that everything about you and your surrounding is sensual and touchable and then be spontaneous and have fun. Don't worry about turning him out but rather turning each other on. I told them that laughter, joy and passion beat manufactured, instructions included sex anytime.

I told them to save the vibrators and other battery operated toys for the future when the novelty of a new lover had run its course and it was necessary to introduce a little innovation into the mix. Most of all, be yourself, I told them, because (say it with me now) being yourself can never be wrong and seduce yourself and (all together) let him be an afterthought.

Intimacy begins with you and him exploring and enjoying each other. Not you, him and a blow up sheep!

What do you think?

Tis the Season for Sensuality

I am not going to lie. Two days ago there were twenty-three days left before Christmas, and I was feeling a little like Scrooge. Okay, A LOT like Scrooge.

And why wouldn't I? Like everyone else in the country, I'm walking around with the ghost of damn these holidays trailing behind me. Money is tight and looks like will only get tighter. Another year has come and gone and I still can't fit into my favorite, go-to LBD, plus my current diet supplements of pumpkin bread slathered in cream cheese and washed down with the cocktail du jour don't seem to be helping. My back is claiming its age and my everlasting wanderlust has been doused with a big fat reality check--the only check I've seen in weeks. Also the kids have written their annual Santa list (even though they are 19 and 15, I refuse to let them call it anything else!) and teenagers or not, you don't want to disappoint the little ones at Christmas. And I haven't even begun to list my brothers and sisters, their kids, my godkids and friends.

Happy holidays, my too big to get into my fav dress ass!!

(Pause for my private pity party...Bitchandmoanbitchandmoanbitchandmoan...)

But then I got a sensory reminder that has changed my entire attitude. See, what had happen was, I went to Bed Bath and Beyond armed in search of a mattress topper to aid my ailing back. Believe me, I was looking right ugly and feeling mean as the frickin' Grinch and did not give one damn. And as Cedric the Entertainer pointed out, I wished somebody would jump in front of me in line or do something equally stupid. I simply wanted to get in and out and back home before the Motrin wore off. But as soon as I walked through the sliding doors everything changed. My nostrils were welcomed with the wonderfully delicious smell of cinnamon scented pine cones. The smell literally stopped me in my tracks and with each yummy inhale I started to feel more centered and calm.

As holiday shoppers swirled around me, I stood in the middle of the aisle with my eyes closed shut and my nose open wide as smile producing memories came flooding into my mind. Taking the kids to chop down the Christmas tree. Watching the delight in their eyes as the lights went on and gave the room a soft cheery glow. Putting together toys in front of the roaring fireplace. Unwrapping each ornament and decorating the tree. Smelling the fresh pine scent and feeling the lush fir tickle my arms. The carols piped in throughout the store just added to the ambiance and before I knew it, I was smiling and actually feeling uplifted and joyful.

One big whiff and suddenly I felt all merry and bright. I mean, I still looked like a homeless woman, but now felt like a Christmas angel. I drifted through the aisles, humming the tune to Star Bright, and found my mattress pad. Then I moseyed over and picked up a couple of bags of pine cones, helped a lady in line in front of me on with her coat, who in turn gifted me with a 20% off coupon.

All this to say that once again living through my senses pulled me out of my bah humbug mood, changed my energy and gifted me to boot! And I offer you the same advice. This year has the potential to be a really hard and depressing holiday season if you allow the pressing forces outside to squeeze the joy you possess inside. Surround yourself with all the sounds, scents, tastes, sights, and textures of the season and make yourself and your family happy by treating them to the simple pleasures that really do make us feel alive and joyful.

What do you think?

November Poll Results...Compliments

Here are the poll results for November. The question was about your ability to give and receive compliments.

54% said compliments were easy to receive and believe.

30% said compliments were difficult to receive and believe.

33% said compliments were easy to give.

3% said compliments were difficult to give.

So let me compliment the more than half of you who are living an all around complimentary life. Excellent work ladies! And also kudos to you who were happy to notice something nice about someone and comment on it.

I asked this because in a recent Unleash the Sensual You workshop I gave, I asked each woman in the workshop to stand in the middle of the circle while the others in the group gave her a compliment. You would have thought I said stand there so we could throw rocks at your head! Instead of hearing and internalizing the amazing things that stood out about them to strangers, most shut down and were visibly uncomfortable. They stood there squirming and fidgeting and screwing up their faces, wanting it to be over.

I had to ask, "So when a man comes over and says you have a great smile and you do that with your face, you are surprised that he doesn't follow through?"

If you take the time to listen, you will find that people--friends and strangers--are gifting you all the time, revealing what is unique and special about you. If you allow yourself to believe, you will find that these compliments become the cornerstone of your self-confidence.

Listen. Learn. And rejoice in your own wonderfulness!

What do you think?

Happy Thanksgiving

Being grateful is always sexy, even in these trying times!