A Little Off the Sides and Top and That's It

Be warned. This blog entry will surely fall under the category of T.M.I. (Too Much Information) and I apologize right up front. But damn it, I've had it with all the waxing and shaving of my nether regions. In a month I'll be 50. I've earned the right to be comfortable in my underpants!

Now before you go off, spreading the rumor that I am a hairy, unkempt mess, understand--I am not talking about keeping things trim and tidy. Good grooming does include keeping up the bikini lines (as well as shaved legs and underarms). There is nothing sexy about wearing gorgeous panties or a fab bathing suit and having unsightly tufts of hair escaping from the sides. I mean, not everything looks great fur trimmed.

No, I'm talking about the pain and stress (and not to mention the annoying itch)of running a sharp razor over your most delicate body party or applying hot wax to one's tender privates and ripping the hair out by its root. Ouch. I'm in pain just thinking about it.

For years I have, like many of you I'm sure, been victim to the cultural phenomena and model mentality of nary-a-hair-down-there. I don't know who started the drum beat demanding that grown women's genitals should be as smooth and clean as the babie's behinds they were changing. I'm pretty sure it began with those damn Brazilian supermodels and the industry that spawns them. (You know, models seem to be the root of a lot of our unrealistic body image issues and beauty rituals (hemorrhoid creme for under eye swelling, toothpaste on pimples, cocaine and cigarettes for weight loss, but that's a whole other blog.)

When I look back, I think I bought into the whole Brazilian look because it made me feel sexually daring in a private, I've-got-a-secret kind of way. Only my husband and I (and my gynecologist, poor man) knew and for the first few weeks after getting it done, I did walk around with panties full of sensations. But then, the dreaded new growth began to rear it's ugly, itchy head and my sexy strut melted into a uncoordinated, idiotic, slow motion gallop while I attempted to relieve the unbearable itch with my inner thighs. And God knows, any private moment became a monumental scratch-fest. It was like carrying a porcupine in my underpants, and not in a good way. And the only immediate relief? To pay good money to one of the sisters to spread my legs, pour hot wax between them and let 'er rip.

To be truthful, I only got waxed twice. But I shaved nearly clean for years and between the nicks, ingrown hairs, and cactus coochie I just can't take it any more. My husband is disappointed.

Did I mention my husband loved it? Did I mention that the first time I did it was because he'd been hinting about it for months? Initially, I did it to please him. Yeah, just like a man. Now if I asked him to go in and have his berries waxed because I found it to be a huge turn on, what do you think he'd say? Exactly. Hell frickin' no! I can't even get him to clean up his bathroom sink, and can I tell you how hot that would make me!

My scissor trims are keeping me neat and tidy and you know what I learned? I still feel sexy because I've reached a point in my sensual/sexual life where I've learned that what I think has much more to do with what I feel and how I behave, than what I wear (or don't). I'm not sorry I investigated the naked nookie, it pleased my lover but more importantly it made me feel scandalous and naughty without any kind of public acknowledgment. And those feelings are what now drive my sense of sexual daring. Now that's true power, and so, so much more comfortable!

What do you think?

The Big O in Om: Yoga for Hotter Sex

Most of you know that I love yoga. Here's one of the reasons why! Enjoy this article from Prevention.com

Yoga Positions for Better Sex

Enlightenment is great and all, but doing yoga will also pay off in a very immediate,
extremely earthy way: in the sack.In ancient times yogis practiced abstinence from sex so that all of their energy could be directed toward yoga and spiritual advancement. Makes you wonder: How could these supposedly wise guys have gotten it so wrong?

Today yoga lovers are finding that more time on the mat means more--and steamier--time spent reveling in their newly toned bodies. To take a walk on yoga's carnal side, add these sex moves to your yoga routine for overall better sex. Or just do them by themselves to turn up the heat.

Flex Time Is Sex Time
Having more flexible muscles and joints definitely helps in assuming those compromising positions. Opening your hips in particular gives you a wider range of motion in your nether regions, allowing for more direct stimulation in just the right spots. After all, one micro-movement in missionary is sometimes all it takes to ring the bell.

Sex Rx: Bound Angle In a seated position, bring the soles of your feet together, put your hands on your ankles, allow your knees to relax toward the floor, and hinge forward at the hips as far as is comfortable. Hold for 10 to 15 complete breaths (inhales and exhales).

Power Up the Pelvis
Strengthening one key muscle helps you engage and lift the pelvic floor, bringing you more sensation and control during your sex moves.

Sex Rx: Root Lock You may also hear this referred to by its Sanskrit name, Mula Bandha. Seated or standing, contract and then release the pubococcygeus muscle located between the pubic bone and the tailbone, as if you wanted to stop the flow of urine. You can even do this at your desk, say, 10 times at three workday intervals.

Sex Goddesses Go the Distance
Shake-the-headboard sex moves are hard work. "The better shape you are in, the more pleasure you have and the longer you can do it," says Kimberly Fowler, owner of Yoga and Spinning Studio in Venice, California.

Sex Rx: Yoga Pushups Start in the pushup position, arms extended. Engage your abs as you lower your body slowly toward the floor. Stop when your torso is about 2 to 3 inches away. Keeping elbows in, hold there for five breaths, then lower to the floor. Repeat three times at first and build up to five.

Charge Up the Bed Batteries
A killer day at work can leave you too beat to boogie. But a few minutes of nonstrenuous yoga when you get home can mean one less night with Netflix and one more erotic evening entwined with your sweetie.

Sex Rx: Legs Up the Wall Change into some yoga-friendly clothes. Lie on your back with one hip touching a wall. Swing your legs up and turn your body so you face the wall, legs resting against it from heels to butt, arms at your sides. Bring your awareness to your breath and focus on it for 5 minutes. This position allows more oxygen-rich blood to flow from your lower body back up to the heart and the brain, so you'll get up reenergized, refocused, and ready to rumble.

Breath of Desire
While most yoga poses help prepare you for a libidinous rendezvous, this breathing exercise can actually heighten your pleasure in flagrante.

Sex Rx: Breath of Fire While you're in the act, take rapid, forceful, and rhythmic breaths through your nose with your mouth closed. Don't worry if your partner thinks you're hyperventilating; he'll forget all about it when you reach a spine-tingling climax (and no doubt take credit for your fulfillment).

Double Your Pleasure
Practicing yoga with your man is like foreplay, says Jacquie Noelle Greaux, creator of the Better Sex Through Yoga video series. "You start to breathe together, sweat together, and move together. It gets your energy synched up." Some mat work might make him more sex-imaginative as well. "Yoga sparks creativity," Fowler says. "Women don't want bang-boom from a man, they want an explorer--and yoga invites you to explore."

Effort is Sexy

There is a radio commercial playing here in the New York area that makes me want to scream every time I hear it. The advertisement is for Lowes Stores and it features a woman who comes home to find that her husband has proudly set up a spontaneous and romantic dinner in their backyard for the two of them. Is she thrilled and astonished and blown away like she should be? No, because there's a problem. He's moved the dining room furniture outdoors because they don't yet have patio furniture.

So instead of being blown away by his thoughtfulness and inventiveness, and sitting her grateful behind down to enjoy a romantic evening with her man, the girl goes on and on about their next door neighbor, Steve. See Steve did it right. Steve went to Lowes and bought a real outdoor dining table and chairs. Steve did it right because, dining room furniture belongs in the dining room not outdoors. The ungrateful biyatch didn't even acknowledge his effort AND her husband then starts acting all apologetic and sorry. Okay, they deserve each other.

I see this all the time. Women who complain about their men not being attentive or romantic or helpful with the kids or household chores. Let's face it, some guys are just lazy slugs when it comes to helping around the house or flexing their romantic muscles. Sorry ladies if your guy truly falls in that category. But there are plenty of men who make the effort to please but are constantly slapped down for not doing things the 'right way', which in translation means 'your way.' Then these same women want to complain about feeling unappreciated or having to do everything and never getting a break.

Ladies, your man always gets points for trying. Let him learn to do things--from diapering the baby to cooking the lasagna to planning a romantic evening--his way. Let him know how much you appreciate his effort even if the flowers he selected aren't your favorite or he didn't make spaghetti sauce using your recipe (having hot dogs in your sauce won't kill you, just ask my mother!). Be flexible enough to understand that if he's making the effort to please, he gets credit.

Let live. Let love.

What do you think.

Some of My Favorite Sensual Movies

When I am getting ready to start a new book, I start watching a lot of movies. It's a ritual that began with my first novel, Read Between the Lies, and has continued to this day. They inspire me and help get me in the storytelling mood. I always include some of my favorites in this ritual, movies I can watch over and over and never tire of. I thought I'd share with you some the most sensual movies in my collection.

To be clear, I'm talking movies that flex your sensory muscles, they entice all five of your senses to the point that you almost feel like you are experiencing the action. And even without the overt sex scenes, they all are very sexy.

1) Walk in the Clouds. A sweet, sensual love story of a WWII soldier who falls in love with the daughter of a wealthy Mexican aristocrat in California. This is one of the most sensually packed movies I've ever seen. I love it and never seem to tire of its rich, luscious sensuality.

2) Thomas Crown Affair I like both versions, the classic and the remake but I am particularly drawn to the Pierce Brosnan and Renee Russo's version. This is a sexy, cat and mouse game that showcases a strong, confident, sexy woman of a certain age, who still remains vulnerable and feminine. The soundtrack is awesome and the love scene in the entry and in the study is awe-inspiring.

One of my favorite filmmakers is the Mira Nair, a fabulous director from India. She has been hailed as “refreshingly unafraid to depict beautiful, lustful women who openly express their desires”. I wholeheartedly agree. You may have heard of or seen her movies, Mississippi Masala and Vanity Fair. Two of my favorite movies are directed by her.

3) Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love This movie is so sensually hot! Take an Indian Prince, his virgin bride, a sensual servant girl and her forbidden love, combine it with lush,colorful Indian scenery , lessons in the kama sutra and a tear-jerk love story and you have an amazing tale of love and illicit lust. Tasteful but oh so HOT! HOT! HOT!

4) Monsoon Wedding Again, an Indian love story full of family secrets and forbidden love. What I love about Mira Nair's movies are that they are about women who are fighting cultural taboos in their quest to live their own truth. As always, a rich, sensory experience.

4) Memoirs of a Geisha This is a visually stunning adaption of the best-selling book and is luxurious, ethereal and intoxicating. And to top it off, it has many lessons to learn on enticement and the power of seduction. Okay, the scene where Sayuri is taught how to stop a man in his track with one look is priceless and proves that true charm is indeed international affair.

Watch. Learn. Enjoy!

Tie Me Up; Tie Me Down

This month's poll was about fantasizing. I decided to ask because at my last workshop we got into a discussion about the pros and cons of fantasizing while you're making love. There were many opinions but they mostly boiled down to the four questions that were posed on the poll. Before we get into a short discussion (okay, before I give you MY opinion on the subject), here are the results of March's survey:

40% of you fantasize often when you're making love as you find it a big turn on.

30% of you say occasionally but only when you need a little boost.

20% of you rarely fantasize because it distracts you from the business at hand.

10% of you never fantasize because in your minds it's cheating.

Your numbers stack right up with what my anecdotal data reveals--we ladies do have a very active sexual imagination. Though, it's my humble opinion that fewer women are as turned on by pornography as men, I don't know too many women who at one point or another who haven't had some pretty saucy, XX-rated thoughts pole dancing in their heads.

I personally believe that fantasizing is healthy and oh so necessary (girl, please, I have been married for 23 years). Fantasizing about Denzel, Brad, George, or that yummy Lamman How-can-you-NOT-want-to-bring-him-home-in-your-head Rucker (did you see him in Why Did I Get Married?)is not a bad thing. The joy of a pleasurable ‘mind job” is that you don’t have to be responsible, reasonable or safe for that matter. Letting your mind be a sexy playground where you can fulfill every side of your sexual self—-even the freaky side, which will probably never see the light of day, but can be some serious fuel to keep that lusty home fire burning,--and nobody ever has to know--unless you choose to share.

And for the most part, most women don't. Surveys show that what goes on in your head stays in your head because more women would rather have their fantasies remain just that--an imagined event--than actually bring them to life. I agree. Who wants to risk that the object of your lust has bad breath or hammer toes? Or that your body would actually break into hives if you tried to wear latex?

We try not to judge any one's decisions here at WMS, but like flirting I don't think that married women fantasizing about someone else other than their husbands is an act of infidelity. Trust me, he'd rather you do it your head than out on the street!

Do understand that this isn't about creating a secret sex life that becomes more fulfilling as your real one. If it does, then I think you do have a problem and it is closer to cheating. And I'm not talking about cheating on him but rather cheating yourself out of your God-given right to a wonderful sex life. I do think that if you can't get or stay aroused with your partner without fantasizing that maybe you need to look at your relationship because the need to constantly escape is telling you something. And like men who become addicted to Internet porn, you don't want your fantasy world to breech the all important intimacy between you and your lover.

Having said all that,here are a couple of tips for those of you in committed relationships:

1) Let your lover watch. In your head of course! Every once in a while make him part of the fantasy. Let him be the voyeur tied up in the corner who sees you at your wicked best. I know it sounds a little strange, but it has been my experience that taking him with you every now and again to fantasy land goes a long way in keeping him with you in the real world.

2) Share them with him. Keep track of your fantasies and write them down in a beautiful journal. Give them to him as a gift and use it to spice up your nights with a little bedtime reading. Or if you're worried about your writing skills go the time honored oral storytelling tradition. And if you are going to share, I'd advise that you definitely make him part of your fantasy. It will be a turn on for both of you.

What do you think?

Get Ready for a Sizzling Summer

The Spring semester of Stiletto University begins the week of May 12th, in just enough time to get yourself ready for one hot and sizzling summer! Brush off those winter blues and spring into a fabulous new you.

Stiletto U is a six-week program dedicated to helping women blossom into the incredible, desirable women they were meant to be. At Stiletto U you'll learn how to bolster your feminine confidence by developing your unique individuality; to charm and disarm any and everyone who crosses your path; to wake up your sexy mind and excel in the art of seduction.

If you'd like to receive the Stiletto U course catalog or would like more information, email stilettou@yahoo.com

PS. Gift certificates are available. A Stiletto U enrollment makes a wonderful and unique Mothers Day gift for the mom in your life, even if that W.O.W. (worn out woman!) is you!

What's Your Passion?

Okay, so I'm at a cocktail reception this weekend and find myself eavesdropping on a most interesting discussion taking place next to me between several men about their sex lives. As I reveled in the chance to get into the heads of three overtly sexual men (research, darling), I huddle up as close as I could without knocking anyone over and caught an ear full. What I heard first got me mad and then made me think.

The men were painfully lamenting over the 'fact' that their wives didn't seem to enjoy sex and had zero passion when it come to lovemaking. One even spoke the asinine words aloud that perhaps the reason New York's ex-governor had spent some $80,000 on prostitutes was because the First Lady wasn't putting out. Hmmm...typical. Blame the woman for not meeting yet another of his needs.

This is the part that made me mad. The idea that men cheat because their women aren't sexual enough. Aren't passionate enough. Aren't attentive enough. And yes, there are those women who aren't very sexual or sexual or attentive but the reasons behind their mindset and inattentiveness are vast and varied, many of which we address right here in this blog. And yoo hoo, what about you? Before you pecked her lips and grabbed your woman between the legs did you even think about the fact that women get turned on first in their heads? That it doesn't matter how many times or how quickly you can make a woman come to orgasm that without the mind fuck passion doesn't really come alive for us? But then to blame us for your cheating? That's just wrong and cowardly.

Chronic cheating is more about a man's own identity crisis, insecurities and inability to be the man he wants to be. Like energy attracts like energy. It goes both ways, bud.

That's all the stuff I wanted to say but didn't because I was supposed to be minding my own business.

But then I started thinking (you know we writers never see anything in strictly black or white. It's the shades of gray that are most interesting to us!). There are an awful lot of women out there who aren't passionate about anything let alone sex. Women who believe that passion is something lived only through their sex lives. They have very little passion about things outside the bedroom and then have trouble turning inside.

Think about it. Have you ever asked yourself, "What am I truly passionate about?" I bet that most of you can't identify a true passion in your life beyond your children, and that can be a stretch on some days.

We tend to think of passion in the same erroneous way we think (or thought before you started reading this blog)of sensuality--as some obscure emotion that we pull out of our sexual trick bag and turn on for the delight of our partner. And it's true, one definition of passion is strong sexual desire and excitement. But true passion is about having a sincere zest for life. It's about finding wonder and excitement in all aspects of your life, not just in the bedroom.

Passion is not something someone bestows on you or turns on within you. If it's there, they can turn in up but you're the only one who can actually turn it on. And you can fake it for sure, but why live with fraudulent passion when you can have the awe-inspiring real thing? What fun is that?

Live with passion in all areas of your life and you'll find that between the sheets, it becomes a natural extension of who you truly are--not someone you're trying to be. Learn to live with passion and you'll soon learn that you were never lacking sexual prowess, but rather interest and curiosity in ALL areas of your life.

Living life through your senses is a natural gateway to living with full-on passion. As I've stated many times, when you live with the joyous preoccupation of the wonders all around you, you can't help but become more loving, grateful, appreciative, joyous and yes, passionate. Finding delight in your true nature and taking interest and care of yourself and your appearance will make you feel more confident and interesting, which also ups the big "P" factor.

Get into life. Find joy where you stand. And just watch how much more passionate you become.

What do you think?

Haters

My 15-year-old daughter came home today very excited that she'd earned a spot in advanced placement history class. She was excited and quite proud of herself. She should be. The girl is a worker and when she decides she wants to do something, she gets the job done. I admire her and though I probably tell her less often than I should, she inspires me. Her happiness and sense of self-satisfaction was marred by friends who had not made the list. Suddenly, getting into AP classes wasn't such a big deal. Kind of nerdy in fact.

Her experience immediately took me back to high school when I'd been selected as a homecoming princess and suddenly two of my 'friends' declared that being on the homecoming court was so uncool. Their advice: turn it down. I didn't and we didn't stay friends for much longer. Through the years since, there have been other occasions when the folks I thought had my back were some of the first to prick the bubble and try to let the air out of my excitement.

I told my daughter that story and gave her the same advice I give myself--don't give anyone the power to steal your joy.

Many of my Stiletto U students are dealing with the same issue. They are finding that one negative of finding their sensual, more confident selves has been the emergence of player haters. So I remind them that nothing gained comes without cost. If you want flowers you need rain. And it always seems like the first person to rain on your parade is the friend you expected would share her umbrella.

I think the hardest thing about the haters is their timing. Just when you feel the confidence and strength that comes from recognizing your own value and amazing attributes, here comes Ms. Pissed Off At the World, trying to tear you down for feeling good about yourself. And what makes it doubly bad is that if you've really learned the lessons, you're feeling more accepting of others just the way they are. You understand that there's no reason to tear anybody else down in order to build yourself up. You recognize that your power base comes not from ego but from love of self. So damn it, what's wrong with these heifers! And sadly, it's not just women. Some men in your lives may feel threatened as well.

So for those of you who have made big changes in your life and are also finding a little hatin' going on, think of it this way. With your transformation you have become a mirror. And when some folks look at the confident, sensual, new you, all they see reflected back are all the ways they feel inadequate and lacking. So instead of being happy for you and inspired by your growth, they get angry at you for having the courage to take control of your own success and happiness.

Sometimes the new you will find the need to sit these folks down and try understand their feelings. For some, when the status quo shifts, they are left feeling uncertain of their role. Maybe they've always been the ones who get all of the attention and now here you come. Friend has become competitor in their minds. Often they need to be reassured that just because you've changed doesn't mean everything around you will change too.

But sometimes it's a matter of misery loving company and those 'friends' will often try to hold you back. You will need to weed out those in your garden who are more concerned about choking back your growth than giving you the love and support to help you bloom.

The key is as long as your new found divaesque stature does nothing to belittle or make others feel less about themselves, you're okay and you just need to move on and upward. But always check yourself. Ego ain't sexy. Confidence is.

What do you think?

Shoe News You Can (and Should) Use

I saw this on AOL and thought I'd pass it along. I always knew that shoes made me feel tall and sexy but who knew the other secret benefits!!

From the Editors at Netscape


Call it heel appeal. Women who wear high heels may give their sex life a boost, and it has nothing to do with the effect these sexy shoes have on men and their libido.

Italian urologist Dr. Maria Cerruto of the University of Verona has concluded that walking in higher heels--and they don't have to be stilettos--gives a workout to the pelvic floor muscles, the pleasure muscles that are linked to orgasm.

February Poll Results

The February Question was: When do you wear your sexy unmentionables?

31% said Everyday
5% said On romantic occasions
39% said When they're in the 'mood'
23% said What sexy unmentionables

Boys and Toys

When it comes to boys and toys, the crucial thing for any Weapon of Mass Seduction to remember is that boys are the ultimate toys and anything else you bring to the party are just favors. Toys are never a full-time replacement for boys but sometimes the combination of the two can make it feel like Christmas Eve all year round!

The thing is, some guys are really into the idea but many are not, and it's a good thing to know what side of the toy aisle your man is standing on before you show up to bed with a set of handcuffs and a whip dangling from your hand.

Many men love the idea of their women having a private toy box and are very turned on by the idea of a female confident enough to take her pleasure in her own hands. These men, if given the chance, are thrilled to play with you and if you are so inclined, you should be happy to invite them for a play date. And don't be surprised if he prefers to watch you play with toys than participate. Let your own comfort level be your guide on that one.

But other men may find pleasure toys threatening for the same reasons that some women find porn threatening, because they feel like we don't get turned on by them or that they aren't pleasing us. Others are concerned that over time, you may possibly prefer the steady, always ready vibrator over him.

If your lover is shy about the toy thing, here are some hints for introducing toys into your relationship:

1) It should never be a total surprise. Prime your lover before springing it on him in bed. In fact, make it a new theme for a red hot night.

2) Size does matter. If you show up with a realistic looking sumthin sumthin that is waaaaay larger than his own, you're bound to crush his ego and be sorry you even started this whole thing.

3) Start with toys designed for your pleasure, then find ways to use them for his. Also, start with things that are more sedate in nature--feather dusters, blindfolds, simple vibrators. This helps keep the intimidation factor in check.

4) Practice makes perfect. Before you introduce your playthings into the game, first play and practice with them yourself. The more acquainted you are with how they can be used to increase your pleasure, the more successful your play date will be and the more willing he'll be to try again.

Don't forget, with every new toy purchase you should buy extra batteries AND cleaner. It's really important to clean your toys well after every use.

And lastly, if you prefer to keep your toys to yourself that's all good too.

Enjoy and play nice!

Joys of Toys Part One A

I thought I'd add a few visual aids to go with Vanessa's question in part one of this post. Now because this is a family blog (meaning some members of my family do read this) I'd thought I'd spare my mother the anguish of knowing what's inside the wine gift box sitting on my vanity, and highlight toys you can leave right out on your dresser. By the way, those tall, cylindrical boxes make perfect storage containers that innocently fit into many decors. Sometimes hiding stuff in plain sight can be very effective, though if you have nosy little ones other options might be preferable.

So a few fun facts before the pictorial examples. As I said, 90 percent of women experience clitoral orgasms. Why? Here's a fun fact: the clitoris, the only organ in a woman's body that is strictly for pleasure, has some 8000 nerve endings (that's 4000 more than what guys are working with--good looking out, Mother Nature). For this reason, the vibrator is among the top of most girls' toy list. And the cool thing is that they come in a variety of shapes and sizes, intensity levels and are travel (and airport x-ray machine)friendly. Some are designed for bath and shower play, while some can be worn during the day to make people wonder what the hell you're smiling about. In other words--something for everyone.

Here are a few more. They might surprise you. And yes, they are all 'toys'.

The Joys of Toys Part One

This is a discussion that I've been wanting to do for a long time, ever since I attended a toy party one of my girlfriends hosted last year. It was an racially diverse group of women of various ages (mid-thirties to mid-fifties). Along with the wine and great snacks (none shaped like body parts, thankfully) we were able to peruse the offerings, which included a tame mix of vibrators, lubricants, lotions and potions and all the other sexual novelties you could imagine at your typical suburban soccer moms 'gone wild' gathering. As guests socialized while waiting for the 'big show' the air was heavy with a curious mix of uncomfortable silence and embarrassed giggles, which only grew heavier and more shrill as the sales pitch began.

Surprisingly enough, interest was tepid as we passed along sample products--warming lubricant, lotion to be used for underwater sex, anal lubricant (that got thrown along like the 800 pound hot potato in the room), dildos of various sizes and colors to match any bedroom decor, etc. But interest really picked up when the host got to the products that she pitched as items to increase his pleasure and "hasten things along" and "help make him achieve orgasm faster." It was like listening to an infomercial on cleaning products. Anything that came along that promised to lighten a wife's sexual workload and suddenly everyone was all ears.

I, on the other hand, was highly disappointed. All I kept thinking was, here we go again. Making sex solely about a man's pleasure and keeping women erroneously believing that toys and pleasure sleeves were all part of better performing her job as chief seductress and sex provider.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you're a fequent reader of this blog, you know my position on the need for women to take charge of their own sexuality. And in my humble opinion, the sex toys and the joys they bring are first and foremost for YOUR personal enjoyment and self-education. At some point, of course, he can be invited to the party, but initally these party favors should be initally yours to enjoy.

Here are my top three reasons why adult toys can be important to a true Weapon of Mass Seduction.

1) Taking control of your sexual pleasure. In my workshops I talk a lot about OWNING IT...IT being your unshakable feminine confidence. And part of OWNING IT, is not waiting for or expecting anything or anyone else to be in charge of your happiness, and this includes your sexual happiness. Knowing and loving your body, how it reacts to various stimuli, what turns it on and off, and what brings you to orgasm is truly empowering. And toys allow you to make play dates with your deliciously, wicked bad girl. And while you initially may keep her under wraps, the more comfortable you become with her, the sooner you'll invite others to join in on the fun and games.

2) Tutoring your lover. Seriously, how can you teach a man to please you if you don't know how to please yourself? (listen up those of you out there who have been faking orgasms for years, and you know who you are) And yes, it's all about effectively communicating to him what blows your hair back because every woman is different and what worked with his last lover may leave you feeling cold and bored. And trust me on this ladies, one huge turn on for any man is a woman who knows her body and isn't afraid to pass that information along.

3) Keeping your mind and body wanting sex. I am a chocoholic and I know I'm not alone with my addiction. And as all of us Hersheyheads know, the more you have it the more you want it. The same applies to sex. Have noticed that the longer you go without it the less important it becomes to you? Don't doom yourself to sexual neutrality. Tuning yourself up in between lovemaking sessions keeps your heart and head in the game and an extra beni--your attitude is much more upbeat. Must be releasing all that stress!

So if you haven't already discovered the joys of toys, noodle the above around and consider introducing yourself. Also, check out MyPleasure.com and Goodvibrations.com to further your education. I love these sites because they take the time to educate their customers not only about their products but about sex in general.

Next time we'll talk about the wide variety of toys available. Until then, here's a question from Vanessa:

Q. I've never used a vibrator before and I'm interested in experimenting but truthfully, I find it really intimidating. Where do I begin?

A. Delving into the world of adult toys can be VERY intimidating. I know I was a little lukewarm for quite a while. How can you not be? At face value it can all look very seamy and depraved. Even a sexy soccer mom feels like a fish out of water when walking into a store who's inventory includes blow up sheep, love dolls, a plethora of beads, balls and boxes of who knows what that goes who knows where.

I'd suggest you do what I did and do a little on-line research (check for links on this page) as well as personal recommendations from your girls in the know. Luckily the Internet allows you complete anonymity and you can try out products to your heart's (or Suzy's) desire. Many sites also have staff recommendations as well as customers reviews that can be helpful.

In terms of what to try first, I'd say think about what you like and how you achieve orgasm. Keep in mind that 90% of women reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation so you might want to start with a vibrator, which come in every size and shape. Start there and expand your toy box as time and interest goes on.

Live Love

Happy Valentine's Day! I sincerely hope that this day is full of love and happy, wonderful feeling for all of you.

Today has been put aside for love and I hope you will use the opportunity to really and truly fall in love with yourselves. Let this be the beginning of your new 'love' year resolution to become the best lover you can possibly be.

Whenever I give a workshop, I ask people to raise their hand if they think they are good lovers. Of course nearly every woman in the room raises her hand, often with a nervous chuckle because hey, who doesn't want to believe that they can drop it like it's hot. But when I ask how many are great lovers outside the bedroom, with all their clothes and various body parts in their proper places, suddenly they're not so sure because if they were indeed good lovers, wouldn't they have a man? Wouldn't their marriages feel more intimate? Wouldn't they feel better about themselves?

In my writing classes, I tell students that much of the work of writing a novel comes way before you ever sit down to type the words, once upon a time. The same is true of creating a great love life. Much of the work of being a memorable lover begins way before you ever hit the sheets and it all begins with your attitude about love.

When it comes to love too many of us are satisfied simply experiencing love as a state of mind. We allow love to dwell in our hearts and heads and fuel this emotion with love songs, poems and romance novels. We extend our feelings to only those 'lovers' we deem acceptable and worthy--spouses, children, parents, siblings,friends--and exclude those who don't fit neatly into our heart-shaped box.

Expand your loving state of mind and make it your quest to exist in a loving state of being. Extend the boundaries of your acceptable 'lovers' and fill your world, not just your mind, with loving thoughts and actions. A smile, a thought, a good deed towards a stranger is a good way to start. Be a friend instead of a competitor. Accept and return a compliment with a genuine smile. Ask not what your lover can do for you, but what you can do for your lover!

The only way to receive love is to give it. The only way to be blessed with quality love is to offer quality love in return. You get back what you give.

LIVE love. And remember on this Valentine's Day, a day of self-pity and angst for many, it's not always about WHO you love, but rather DO you love.

What do you think?

Okay...I've exhausted politics and this holiday of hearts topic. Next week I'm going to tackle the subject of many emails I've received over the months...toys (you know what kind of toys!) So pull on your big girl panties, we have lots to discuss! Did you know they have one that looks like a lipstick? Stay tuned.

Why Participate? Because...

So go do your thing this primary season. And by all means, wear heels!

The Power and Politics of Charisma

We're in the middle of the most exciting political season this nation has experienced in a really long time and being the politico I am, I can't help but blog about some of my thoughts. And seeing that I am an advocate of owning and working what you've got this election gives me pause to talk about the one thing that may be the deciding factor in the 2008 presidential election--charisma.

Before I go on, let me clarify what charisma actually is. Charisma is not WHAT you are--your job or status--but WHO you are. Charisma is not simply about beauty, sex appeal and physical attraction. It's your own secret sauce that helps you connect emotionally, intellectually and even spiritually to others. Every man, woman and child has his or her own distinctive brand of 'star quality' and you don't have to be famous to use it to your best advantage.

Your personal charisma might be flashy or flamboyant. Maybe it's quiet and intoxicating or warm and witty. Once you identify yours and really own it, it can become one of your greatest assets when it comes to making friends and influencing people.

Charisma is one common quality shared by some of America's greatest leaders. FDR and JFK had it. Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton too. Nixon, Ford, Carter, George H. Bush not so much. W has it, bless his soul, but stupidity and arrogance are never cute, so his charisma gets canceled out.

Which brings us to our current crop of presidential candidates. Hillary has it in abundance but doesn't seem to feel truly comfortable with her natural charisma and prefers to hide behind cold, no nonsense efficiency. John McCain, well when it comes to charisma he's like white toast--dry and bland. Mitt Romney has an air of charisma about him but his, like Hillary's, appears faux and forced. Mike Huckabee definitely has charisma and works it to his advantage to the dismay of McCain and the RNC. But no person in this campaign comes close to putting their God-given charisma to such successful use as the next President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama.

Have you seen the man work a room? On television you get a sense of the excitement the anticipation of his appearance creates. It's like a Beatles, Jackson Five, Prince, Bruce Springsteen and Hannah Montana concert all rolled into one. In person, his power over the crowd is palpable. I had the privilege of attending a couple of fundraiser for Barack and he has perfected the art of making you feel like you are the only person in the room when he is talking to you. He's witty and charming, exudes confidence and his eye contact and genuine smile project strength. And can I tell you, when Barack unleashes that smile you can't help but smile in return and feel great. And as with any great charmer, making the other person feel good about themselves in your presence goes a long, long way in selling them on your ideas.

Both Hillary and Barack are intelligent and experienced and strongly believe in their policies and commitment to the country. But it's Barack's outstanding charisma, warmth and passion that enables him to challenge other people--people very different from himself--and sway them to his point of view.

In this race, one that is so very tight between two extremely capable candidates, I believe that the razor edge will be Barack's likeability, soulfulness and ability to connect to the hearts and minds of the electorate that will put him over the edge and into the White House.

Study and learn from charismatic people around you. And never underestimate the power of charm and your VOTE!

What do you think?

Yes We CAN

Watch...be awed...be inspired...be courageous...be pro-active...be involved...be courageous enough to believe YOU can...be sexy...vote!

Take February 14th Back Part Two

Okay, single ladies, hopefully you're well on your way to planning an extra special I LOVE ME extravaganza for yourself this Valentine's Day. And while you may pick up a few tips for your own party, this entry is for women with lovers who might be feeling lost and uninspired for a variety of reasons.

As I said in Part One of this post, Valentine's Day can feel pressure-packed with the need to perform or even out perform past celebrations. The problem I always had was that just because the calendar said I was supposed to feel warm and loving and super sexy on said day, my mind and body didn't always cooperate. The reasons ranged from PMS (premenstrual syndrome) to LOF (lack of finances) to IYCPUYDWSISYM (If you can't pick up your draws, why should I show you mine). And even when the stars aligned and I was feeling loving and wanting to show that desire, time and kids were always an issue. So here are my top five tips to help you take the pressure off.


1. Plan a sexy evening designed to showcase the sensual you. In other words, make this a night about your pleasure. I know this sounds selfish but it's really not. I'm in no way suggesting that you don't incorporate his needs and desires into the evening, but as I always say, first seduce yourself and let him be an afterthought. Believe me this is one time a man is happy with the crumbs! He will happily reap the benefit of your arousal. Refer to the Start Lovin' Yourself tip in Part One for tips on getting yourself in the mood.

2. Pick a theme. If you've ever given a kid's birthday party, you already recognize how much easier the planning becomes when you pick a theme and let everything--from invitation to menu to throughout the day reminders--revolve around it. Some theme ideas include: Martini/Champagne and Pearls; Passion Picnic; Bubbles and Blindfolds; Limousine of Love. See already your mind is churning with the possibilities. And they don't have to be that grandiose either. Dinner and A Movie works just fine too. The key to success here is to make sure that the mood, presentation and mind-set are all tailored to fit you and your lover's sensibilities.

3. Don't recreate the wheel. Anyone who knows me,knows that I am all about the presentation. I don't particularly like to cook but I have made it my mission to find the best of the best pre-packaged/cooked delicacies and then personalize them. For example. My family loves Mrs. Smith's apple pies. I buy those suckers, take them out of the foil tin and put them in a glass pie plate. I then take extra dough (straight from the refrigerator case, of course) a cookie cutter and precede to hide the pre-fab edges and decorate that bad boy into a work of art that I am proud to put on my table or anyone else's. It becomes my apple pie, even though Mrs. Smith did all the kitchen duty. I'm the same way about sensual entertaining.

Our perceived lack of creativity (or lack of time and money) often stops us from doing a lot of things we'd like to do. Don't feel the need to recreate the wheel. Use someone else's creative ideas to fuel your own. For example: Take the book 101 Grrreat Nights, the one that you tear a suggested seduction out of the book and give it to your partner. Make it your own by picking a scenario that appeals to you, adding your personal twist to it and re-writing it by hand. Now it's cute and personal and it's become your idea not some author's. Plus you still get 1000 extra points for effort. So whether sentiment or sustenance, make your own sensual pie out of someone else's apples.

4. Don’t be tied to the calendar. Plan for a time when your evening can be successful. Let an amazing invitation be your gift on Feb. 14 for an evening yet to come--one that falls on a more convenient day for both of you. You can do this finding or making a handmade invitation that creates a wonderful sense of anticipation and sets the mood for what's to come. Make sure the delivery is just as special!

5. Give gifts from the heart. Gift giving can be tricky largely because Valentine's Day falls so soon after Christmas (and the Xmas bills) and because the holiday related stuff in the stores can be really corny. A great source for unique gifts from sentimental to sexy, is Red Envelope. You can get everything from a pendant engraved with a secret message to a Mile High kit. The merchandise and packaging are both beautiful and classy.

I'd like to suggest you give a gift that keeps on giving and works on your relationship all year, not just this special day. A weekly make out session (sex not included!) Quarterly overnight pajama parties (kids not included). An bi-annual love connection getaway (definitely no kids). A monthly love letter.

Presents from the heart that have meaning and work towards lasting love and intimacy are the most romantic gifts of all.

What do you think?

PS. You can find tips on planning a Red Hot Night in chapter eleven in Weapons of Mass Seduction. There's also a test in the back of the book to help you determine you and your partner's sensual tastes. If you're really stuck for ideas, email me at mass.seduction@yahoo.com and I'll try to help.

Stiletto U Winter Registration Closed

Registration for the winter session of Stiletto University is now closed. We have a great class of ladies on their way to becoming the fabulous, confident women they were born to be.

The spring session will begin in April. If you'd like to enroll or would like more information, please email stilettou@yahoo.com.

Until then, remember the wise words of Albert Camus, "Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question."

Take February 14th Back

Valentine’s Day is a lot more pressure-packed than most women care to admit. If you’re single and dateless, it becomes yet another depressing reminder that you’re alone. If you’re married and have been for years, the monotony of familiarity raises its ugly head and the pressure to take the old and make it new and sexy and exciting can be intimidating. Then there's the age old worry about the 'gift' and what it says about the state of your relationship.

Like I said, way too much pressure. Enough pressure that I'm going to devote the next few entries to Cupid's little holiday in hopes of helping you take ownership of the day and get that little winged baby off your back.

So single ladies...this one's for you. It’s time to take Valentine’s Day back! Celebrating the lover in you is just as important, just as legitimate, and can be just as enticing as celebrating the lover next to you. Here are a few tips to get you started.

1. Stop hatin' others. This applies to friends who have lovers; your ex who dropped you via email right after New Years; all the employees of Hallmark, Whitman Candies and 1-800-flowers combined; and most importantly YOURSELF for feeling like less of a woman because some florist association decided to pick February 14th as the one day of the year to cash in, and then picked a fat baby with wings and a bow and arrow as it's mascot, all without regard to how women without a significant other might feel (okay, I don't know the above to be fact but it sure feels that way and seems like a perfectly legitimate explanation).

2. Start lovin' yourself. Treat yourself to five star lover treatment. Get up in the morning and put on your sexiest draws and most flattering outfit. Get your hair done and make sure your makeup is flawless. Feel good about the lover in you all day. That evening, pull out all your treats from your sensual trick bag--the candles, champagne, rose petal bath--and let the one person you tell the least, know that you love her the most. Make special plans for yourself, complete with a gift (jewelry is always a good idea), just as you would the great love of your life. Because after all, aren't you? If not, you should be.

3. Start spreadin' the love. You know the sayings, 'you get back what you give', 'what goes around, comes around', 'like energy attracts like energy'. Let your Valentine's Day gift to others be a genuine smile and kind word to everyone you meet. Not only will you feel happier and great about yourself, you'll feel the love returned.

The true tragedy surrounding this holiday of hearts is that it forces you to pour all your attention and energy into one day when every day (or at least every other Tuesday) should be a holiday about sharing your heart and body with someone you love--especially when that someone is you.

What do you think?

Magazine Mania

As promised, here are the magazines I currently read and/or subscribe to. These are the tomes that I luxuriate over and generally read cover-to-cover. This of course means that I have magazines stacked up and waiting to be read. I read and rip out the interesting stories and photos. They all go in a file. Unfortunately the files are still on my office floor but that's a different blog.

I read each one for a variety of reasons--to learn and grow, to stay current, for story and character ideas, to keep up with trends, to escape, to dream (thus my obsession with Departures Magazine).

My absolute favorite magazine is Vanity Fair. It combines everything that I think makes a woman sexy--current affairs, politics, fashion, celebrity and great articles. O Magazine always makes me think about myself from the inside out and More is helping me cope with the fact that I am turning 50 this year. I need a little advice about menopause with my best sex ever articles.

I also love Esquire because it keeps me in touch with the male mind. I love their monthly feature called, Ten Things You Didn't Know About Women. They interview celebrity women telling men what we really think about them and whe erroneous things they think about us. Funny!!! If you excuse the sultry, women as objects covers (I mean it is a men's magazine) there's a lot of gold to be mined between the pages. Lots of stuff that can be used when you're making interesting, smart conversation. I mean, where else will you find out if his stripped shirt and flower tie are fashion forward or simply a fashion faux pas? Or more importantly, health issues that are unique to men that neither you nor he may be aware of.

Pumping up your brain is just as important if not more, than pumping up the rest of your body. Gravity will never cause it to droop and you can pull impressive and seductive things out of your head in public that you'd get arrested for if they came out of you shirt.

Even if you are an amazing expert on some topic, be the type of woman who knows at least a little bit about a lot. The art of conversation is a huge and vital component to the art of seduction. Read up on topics that interest you and also topics that have captured the attention of others. Whether politics or French pedicures, form your own studied opinions (key word here--studied. There's nothing worse than an opinionated person who has no idea what they're talking about. Not sexy AT ALL)

Smart is sexy. Informed is sexy.

What do you think?

Checking Out the Other Team

I read a lot of men's magazines--mostly for research but some, like Esquire, I really enjoy. It's good to check out the other team's playbook every now and again. It lets you know what's on their minds and gives us girls insight on how and what they think--mainly about us and sex--and probably as close as we're going to get to an updated user's manual.

I found the article below in Men's Health Magazine online. (This is another great magazine. In fact, next blog I'm going to list my favorite men's magazines for you.) This article is about resolutions men should make to improve their relationships. I like the idea that Dave is looking out for us ladies. My personal favorite is #1, though I think all of them are worth considering adding to YOUR list of relationship resolutions. I also like his thoughts about keeping them SECRET.

Five Secret Relationship Resolutions
by Dave Zinczenko, Men's Health Magazine

Usually, this time of year, people are broadcasting their resolutions like they have their own cable TV audience.

They tell everyone and anyone they're givin' up soda, hittin' the gym, keepin' the garage clean. Hear me, hear me, I'm going to change! Usually, though, these resolutions stick about as well as wet masking tape.

Instead, this year, try changing up a few resolutions so you can focus on your partner, and do so (here's the catch) without telling them what's coming. Why? Because your moves will be a whole lot more effective if your partner never sees them coming. The benefits: You'll improve your relationships, score major points, and make someone other than yourself feel good, too.

Resolution #1: I Will Worship The Foot

There's nothing wrong with the traditional body parts we may focus our attention on. But if there's one thing that couples crave more and more as the relationship grows, it's non-sexual touch - touching that's sensual with a touch of sexual.

Give your partner regular foot massages (without being prompted), and my bet is that other kinds of touching will increase. Dramatically.

Resolution #2: I Will Be An Online Auction Hawk

You know a relationship is in a rut when the gifts become more mundane than Weather Channel background music. This year - be it for your partner's next birthday or Valentine's day or the next gift-giving event - take some time to really nail it.

Figure out something meaningful from their life and track down a unique item that hits the sentiment perfectly. You'll have to use your imagination and sleuthing skills to come up with a great idea, but you'll score big. Thoughtfulness will always trump another Best Buy gift card.

Resolution #3: I Will Initiate Romance More Often Than My Partner For One Month

I know, I know - you may already be doing so. But if not, make it a point to initiate the romance more often, because chances are, if your partner's doing all of it, then he probably feels a mix of fatigue and frustration. If you can initiate more, he'll give back what you want in the bedroom - ad infinitum. It's the things he craves - and you will, too.

Resolution #4: I Will Replace The Sink Soap

Too often, we get caught up in the relationship biggies - money, sex, communication. Of course, those hot buttons can be the source of many a fight. But you'll go a long way in smoothing out kinks in the relationship by making a conscious effort to put the seat down, put the roll on, clean the dried milk from the counter, or whatever it is that your partner finds to be your little, nagging problems. Fixing the little problems helps solve the big ones.

Resolution #5: I Will Not Let My Partner See Me Naked

Of course, there's nothing wrong with showing off your body, especially if you're also making a resolution to lose a few pounds. For the easiest and most effective way to a sexier you, this article will help you lose weight and look great without ever being on a diet by choosing the best foods each and every time!

But what you'll be doing here is building up the mystery until your partner absolutely has to see you naked. Have a robe, or sheet, or pair of pants all around you, until it's absolutely time to disrobe. The build-up, the anticipation, the mystery - ah, it's the nectar of new relationships that often gets spoiled in old ones.

Have other ideas for keeping your relationship hot? Share them here.

Join Stiletto University's Class of 2008

Stiletto University has graduated its first class of charming lovelies. Ten amazing women spent 30 days (a total of six weeks), earning their Masters of Sensual Arts, and having a ball the entire time. Stiletto U, a one-on-one coaching program, is dedicated to the idea that too many women are living life without actually feeling deliciously ALIVE, and when they do break out, it's usually based on someone else's perception of what's proper or sexy or acceptable. What the SU graduates learned totally changed their perceptions about their lives and the world around them. Here's what they have to say.

"I have three friends who are desperate to take this class, just because they see what kind of woman I am now. I want ALL women to get in touch with their sensuality and sexuality, not just put yourself in a position to have more sex." Valencia

"I am having a pheomenal time. There are noticeable shifts in my attitude, appearance and behavior. I feel different and am enjoying the many positive reactions I never noticed before." Briana

"The most surprising thing that I've learned is how important it is to smile. My life has changed dramatically just by unleashing (so to speak) my smile on the world. Such a simple thing and it took a course on sensuality to find the key." Linda

"I thought this was going to be about flirting techniques. I was surprised how much I learned about myself. I have changed. I have reconnected with the real me through this program." Marie

"I am excited that a black woman is getting in on the game of spreading the gospel of goddessness, pleasure and sensuality. Sisters need this message. We seem to be getting the short end of the stick on so many levels, and overall as a group, don't embrace the pleasureable aspects of our womanhood. Thank you, Lori." Tamara

*note that names have been changed to respect the privacy of the Stiletto U students

Join us for our next semester. Tuition is $300 for six weeks, that's just 30 days to a sexier new you--all for a mere $10 a day. Tuition includes:

* 30 days of Stiletto U class assignments
* Weekly individual homework assignments based on your unique needs
* 8 one-on-one coaching sessions via telephone
* Unlimited email support
* Subscription to the Weapons of Mass Seduction Blog

If you'd like to receive the Stiletto U course catalog or would like more information, email me at stilettou@yahoo.com

The Pleasure Principle for 2008

Happy New Year!

2007 was a crazy year for me, and it ended even crazier than it began. You know how there are some years where you ask the questions and others that you receive the answers? Well, 2007 was the year of the ANSWER a very big way. Lots of changes in store for me in 2008 and to help me cope (and enjoy) I’ve decided that my main resolution for the new year is the pursuit of pleasure.

That's right. I'm going to put pasta and sourdough bread back into my diet (officially and in moderation); buy expensive, yummy chocolates without guilt or the need to share; sleep until ten on the weekends; engage in spontaneous, last-minute travel (with or without a travel companion); buy myself an important piece of jewelry just because it's a new year; clear my closet of the things that no longer fit my body or my lifestyle; softly and with love remove myself from the company of toxic people who vampire my happiness; and every moment of every day find joy where I stand.

In a nutshell, that's my pleasure principle for 2008. FIND JOY WHERE I STAND.

Sometimes we give up pleasure is because we find our choices have once again lead us into some dark, dank tunnel. Sadness, anger,fear and negativity suck all the joy from us. It's during these times that we have to fight through the pain but still notice all that's lovely around us. It's fight. I know. I'm just coming out of the damn tunnel. But no lie, continuing to live sensually, though sometimes a struggle, helped me keep my sanity. I forced myself to notice all that smelled, felt, tasted, looked and sounded good around me and as I reached the end of that bad boy, I was back in my stilettos, strutting my way out of the darkness into the light.

But even when we're not in the tunnel, it's amazing how quickly (and often) we willingly exchange pleasure for productivity. In the quest to stay on schedule, to get the job done, to have some sort of measurable outcome at the end of the day, we readily sacrifice joy in order to prove to someone (often ourselves)that our time spent on earth today COUNTED.

Why do we disbelieve that the pleasure and joy cannot be synonymous with productivity and effectiveness? What stick-in-the-mud Scrooge decided that one had to give up all the fun in life in order to be a contributing member of society? He's a dumb ass. That's all I have to say about him.

Many years ago I posted a quote on my wall that I found again when I was cleaning my office for the new year. It says, "True masters learn through joy." Words to live by, don't you think? I'm also adding the hummingbird to my signature symbols (the sun is my official icon). The hummingbird represents joy and survives on freedom and nectar, and if you cage it, it will die.

Sunshine and Joy. Free to be myself and live on the sweetness of life. Sounds like a damn plan.

What do you think?

"Laughter and Orgasm are Great Bedfellows"

So says John Callahan. And I must concur.

When and why did sex become so dang serious?

In our quest to boink like porn stars, we've lost one of the great pleasures that come with intimate sex--fun! Technique, appearance and the age-old search for multiple orgasms has made sex so goal-oriented and pressure-packed that instead of being the 'freaks' we envision, we've simply freaked ourselves out. Pressure to be the sexual bomb has us faking orgasm and becoming novelty acts instead of authentically sexual, sensual beings.

Loosen up and start having fun again with sex. Be playful. Stop thinking you have to blow his mind everytime you take off your clothes. True, sometimes sex is raw and passionate. Or it can be quick and intense. Or soft and loving. But sex should also be spontaneous and delightful. It should include laughter and joy and not be so serious that you're afraid of making mistakes or not pleasing your lover.

Fun sex leads to adventurous sex. Share your fantasies, take risks, be creative and shake things up a bit. Fun sex is about learning new tricks and experimenting and knowing that failed attempts at experimental acts (okay, maybe that whole sex underwater wasn't such a great idea)should be met with giggles and kisses, not embarrassment and scorn.

Playful sex also strengthens your intimate ties. Taking away the pressure of performance allows you to feel safer and more secure in your relationship, which ultimately allows you to open up and communicate about how you feel and what you want in bed.

As time marches on, great intimacy will ultimately trump great sex, and great intimacy is built upon a foundation of loving delight and joy and laughter, not 'ooh, ooh, baby, let me tap that ass one more again."

So lighten up. Literally, it's not that big a f'ing deal!

Kiss Me, You Fool

Question: How much of a role does kissing play in your sex life?

Kissing is so important. It’s the way we begin our journey into sexuality and it will be the main attraction as we reach the end our our sex lives. Kissing is the most intimate of sex acts but unfortunately, it is the first thing that goes once we discover orgasms, and sex becomes more goal-oriented than intimate. A little forward thinking here: remember, the time will come when your body will lose its ability to be fully sexual but your lips--those lovely, luscious, sexy lips--will never let you down.

And even now in your prime sexual years, kissing helps you maintain a playful intimacy and is always the one thing you can say yes to even when your body, exhausted by child-rearing, work or pre-menstrual bloating, will always be up for.

Even if your kisser hasn't been getting the workout it deserves these past few years, worry not. You can be up to speed in no time. Just keep in mind:

To rediscover kissing, practice hard and often. The key is to start slow and explore. Experiment with pressure and touch not only to see how you like to kiss and be kissed (there's a series of kisses just right for you, Goldilocks!), but also use his mouth and your tongue to instruct him how you like to be kissed elsewhere on your body. This can be quite fun and will be instructive to both of you.

Great kissers know that it’s not about the lips or the technique as much as it is about the origin of a kiss. An amazing kiss comes from the heart and soul. Your mouth is merely the conduit that delivers the message of your mood, emotions and intent. An effective kiss really is like a passionate dance—whether it be a tango, or waltz or salsa—and by translating the music in your head through your lips, you are guaranteed to make your lover’s head spin!

Here's a little sumthin' sumthin' about kissing and being good with your mouth from the book: The Good Sex Guide.

"After the genitals, the lips are the most sensitive part of the body. They're stuffed with nerve endings and can give and receive hours of pleasure. The most obvious use of your mouth (other than eating and talking) is kissing. This popular pastime is used by most cultures as a greeting and sign of affection. But when lovers kiss, it takes on a whole new meaning. When couples first meet, kissing is often intense and provocative. But over time, it's often forgotten. Thankfully, it's something you can easily learn again."

Now from the same book, here are a few kisses to add to your repertoire.

French Kissing. The well-known favorite, where you use your tongue to explore your partner's lips and mouth. Start gently, and as they open up, gradually increase the depth and urgency of your exploration. (My note: Go by your preference. If you don't like deep, keep it shallow and enjoy the tongue play on lips and slightly inside. The 'ice cream cone lick" on closed lips, can be VERY effective.)

Nibble kisses: Very, very gently caress your partner's lips and tongue with little bites--but remember, gently.

Suction kisses, Gently suck on your partner's lower lip or tongue. (This is one of my favorites and can be VERY sexy without being messy.)

Chicken kisses: Gently peck your lover over and over again with tiny kisses.

Teasing kisses: Gently and teasingly kiss your partner on the cheeks, chin, eyelids, nose--in fact anywhere but the mouth. It will be only a matter of time before they pull you to their lips."

Might I add, don't forget that the entire body is covered with skin--your most sensitive body organ. So the combination of lips on skin, where ever it is, is a lovely So go forth and KISS. If you are able, spend this evening simply kissing, and just like when you were a teenager, do not allow yourself to go any further than lip to lip. Enjoy!

The Lexis Trap

I admit it. I am a word whore. I love words. I love to hear them whispered in my ear and I love the way some words excite my mouth. I love to see them all strung together in a sentences that makes a reader stop and laugh or stop and cry or best of all, stop and think. I learned a long time ago that words have the power to changes minds, moods and lives. Yeah, I'm a word whore. I just can't get enough.

But I also know that while words can be used to entice, empower, thrill and titillate, they can also be like quicksand, causing us to get caught up in definitions and innuendos that we simply take for granted. So as often as we allow words to enrapture us, too many times we also let them entrap us. And this is particularly true when it comes to words connected to sex and sensuality.

For example:

To be sexy is the secret wish of the majority of women all over the world. (Okay, maybe be not those under the rule of the Taliban, but they have other, more pressing issues to deal with.) But have you ever really defined this word, look, attitude for yourself or have you done what most of us do and let others define it and then try in vain to fit into a mental and physical definition that doesn’t come close to the reality of our lives, lifestyles and not to mention our bodies?

Is it a wonder that we are feeling so confused and disconnected from our true sexy selves, fantasies and desires?

It's time to ask yourself: Is your sensuality and feminine confidence caught in the trap of connotation? Have common words and their definitions ensnared you within boundaries set by someone else? Take a minute to do the following exercise. Jot down the first word(s) that come to mind for each of the following:

Sensuality:


Flirtatious:


Scandalous:


Lust:


Bad Girl:


Wild Woman:

Now, go further and write a line or two more fully defining your personal thoughts of the word. Then, look up the actual definition. How do your thoughts differ?

Do you find that most of these words had a negative connotation for you? If so, where do you think those feelings came from? Explore this.

Now give each of these words a positive connotation based on your personal moral code and sense of integrity.

As En Vogue so aptly put: "Free your mind and the rest will follow."

Now go, be a whore for something you love.

Inter Generational Divas

I just returned from Phoenix, Arizona yesterday, where I did a workshop for nearly 300 women on how to unleash their sensuality. I was a bit nervous as the age range for this group went from early thirties to mid-nineties. I was concerned that my message might be a hard sell to women who had more than four decades of living under their belts than the messenger (that would be me), and that because I was no expert in geriatric sexuality that I would get it all wrong and wind up boring the youngin's and being ignored by the oldsters. Nervous in deed!

But I sucked it up and as I do before every public speaking engagement or sitting down to write a message to the public (whether blog or book) asked God to whisper in my ear the words that needed to be heard. And as usual, the words came.

Okay, have you ever heard the phrase, "to assume makes an ass of you and me?" Well I walked into that room with asinine assumptions only to leave with a head-full of knowledge and respect for the older divas that enhance this world.

Far from being shy and retiring, these lovelies were fine, fun-loving, and many still had a bit of the freak left in them! First, they walked into the room like supermodels--decked out in ladies-that-lunched outfits that defied the sterotypes of grandma and announced to the world that THEY knew they still had it going on and we should too. They listened, took notes, chatted among themselves and let the youngsters know in no uncertain terms that they still OWNED IT!

These women were full of energy and life-force. They made me feel comfortable and secure and in no way inhibited my presentation. Instead they enhanced it and gave me much food for thought. Yummy tidbits that I will be passing along to you as time goes by. But for today, here's what I know that you should know too.

Friendships with women of all ages are imperative to your ability to grow older with confidence. Inter generational girlfriends are the true fountains of youth. Younger women help the older divas stay youthful and current and women of a certain age help the up-and-comers realize that the joys of life don't have to droop when your boobs do.

One of my best friends is 66 years-old. She's beautiful and fabulous and amazing. Through her I've learned that age really isn't nothin' but a number and that the beauty that comes from healthy attitudes about health, exercise and sensual good living provides the true beauty that counts--the beauty that will lead you through the peaks and valleys of your feminine confidence as the years roll by.

So find ways to interact and grow friendships with women of all ages. These friendships will keep you young and sexy no matter if you're 13, 30 or 103! Because as my wise friend as always shown me by example--sexy is an attitude!

What do you think?

Just How Do You Let Your Bad Girl Loose?

There was a comment left on the blog entry about letting your bad girl come out and play. The reader thought it was a great idea but wanted to know, "how?"

My immediate answer is to redefine in your head what it means to be a 'bad". After all, who defined what a bad girl is or does anyway? If it wasn't you, the whole subject deserves a second thought.

Free yourself from the boundaries that the expectations of others have placed on you. It's time to OWN your sexuality and stop being afraid of it and what you 'think' it means to be sexually liberated.

If words are going to rule your world, maybe if you thought of it as putting a little naughty with your nice, you'd feel more comfortable. And I know it's getting close to Christmas and all but I'm sure your Santa Baby would definitely approve!

Here's an excerpt from a great book, The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex.

"Life is too short to waste being good. It's time for you to learn to enjoy what all the Bad Girls know.

"Bad Girls have no shame. What does that mean? It means that they are proud of who they are and what they feel. They love being bad and they have no interest in hiding that. Bad girls are not ashamed to feel desire. They are not ashamed to admit their desire or act on it.

"Bad Girls announce their intentions. They announce them with the way they walk, the way they talk, and the way they dress and undress. They announce their intentions when they stand up, when they sit down, when they eat, and when they smile. What are a Bad Girl's intentions: To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully alive with herself and her sexual partner. Clear, powerful, to the point and very, very Bad. Yet they express this in a way that is never cheap, never trashy, never tawdry. Bad Girls feel sexy and fabulous and desirable. They don't need to be "good"; they love how it feels being bad.

"Let's look at those intentions again: "To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully sexually alive with her sexual partner." What are you thinking to yourself right now? Are you thinking, "I have the same intentions?" I think you are, and I hope you are, yet there is a world of difference between having those intentions and living those intentions out loud. Bad Girls live out loud. That's what sets them apart. Don't let that discourage you. Turn yours up just a little at first, and then a little bit more every time as you get increasingly comfortable."

Live Out Loud.

What do you think?

Sensuality Workshop in Monmouth, NJ

For any of you who live in NJ or have friends and family that do, I'm doing a workshop called, The Power and Pleasure of Sensual Living, at Brookdale Community College in Monmouth, NJ. The workshop is Saturday, November 17th from 11-2:00. Lunch will be served as we find ways to bring both the power and the pleasure of sensual living (hence the name!) back into your work, personal, and love lives.

Tickets for lunch and the workshop are $30. Books will be sold and signed. For more information or to register call: 732-224-2315 and ask about the Unleash the Sensual You Workshop.

Hope you can join me. Feel free to pass this information along to anyone in the New Jersey area.

Let Your Bad Girl Come Out To Play

If you've been reading this blog, you know that I am doing a case study workshop called Stiletto Camp as research for a nonfiction book I'm writing. I'm working with ten amazing women from all over the country who range in age from 31 to 52. Some are married, some divorced, others never have been married. They are mothers, step-mothers, and childless. Some ladies have been with their lovers for years others a few months. A few are celibate, one by choice the others by chance. Needless to say, they are an eclectic group of wants and needs. All are itching to get their sexy back.

And the majority seem to also have a common desire--they want to shed their good girl ways and add a little naughty to their nice.

Working with these ten lovelies this week got me to thinking about how so many of us good girls out in the world are missing out on much of the good clean lust (okay, maybe squeaky clean) life has to offer because we're stuck in good girl persona.

I say, it's time to support the bad girl in you and let her come out to play.

First, before we do, let's get a few things straight. Being a bad girl does not mean being immoral or doing anything illegal; acting cheap or tawdry; disrespecting yourself or others; or engaging in indiscriminate sex.

Women who engage in the aforementioned lifestyle aren't Bad Girls, they're troubled girls.

So let's define what being bad means for ourselves. Being bad means loving sex, being sexually confident, being physically uninhibited, having a healthy sexual appetite and knowing how to feed it. Being bad means being unashamed of being assertive, knowing what you want and asking for it. It means being fully in the moment and happily orgasmic. It means knowing that safe IS sexy.

Now I ask you: Doesn't being bad sound awfully good?

So why then are we so afraid to explore our sexual sides with the gusto both we and our lovers deserve?

I know...a loaded question with a history of psychological head trips played on us throughout the generations.

Maybe it's best that we reach back into the generations to one of the baddest bad girls of all times for a bit of wisdom. Here is a classic thought from Mae West. Let it be your mantra as you allow your Bad Girl out to play.

"When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad I'm better."

What do you think?