"Laughter and Orgasm are Great Bedfellows"

So says John Callahan. And I must concur.

When and why did sex become so dang serious?

In our quest to boink like porn stars, we've lost one of the great pleasures that come with intimate sex--fun! Technique, appearance and the age-old search for multiple orgasms has made sex so goal-oriented and pressure-packed that instead of being the 'freaks' we envision, we've simply freaked ourselves out. Pressure to be the sexual bomb has us faking orgasm and becoming novelty acts instead of authentically sexual, sensual beings.

Loosen up and start having fun again with sex. Be playful. Stop thinking you have to blow his mind everytime you take off your clothes. True, sometimes sex is raw and passionate. Or it can be quick and intense. Or soft and loving. But sex should also be spontaneous and delightful. It should include laughter and joy and not be so serious that you're afraid of making mistakes or not pleasing your lover.

Fun sex leads to adventurous sex. Share your fantasies, take risks, be creative and shake things up a bit. Fun sex is about learning new tricks and experimenting and knowing that failed attempts at experimental acts (okay, maybe that whole sex underwater wasn't such a great idea)should be met with giggles and kisses, not embarrassment and scorn.

Playful sex also strengthens your intimate ties. Taking away the pressure of performance allows you to feel safer and more secure in your relationship, which ultimately allows you to open up and communicate about how you feel and what you want in bed.

As time marches on, great intimacy will ultimately trump great sex, and great intimacy is built upon a foundation of loving delight and joy and laughter, not 'ooh, ooh, baby, let me tap that ass one more again."

So lighten up. Literally, it's not that big a f'ing deal!

Kiss Me, You Fool

Question: How much of a role does kissing play in your sex life?

Kissing is so important. It’s the way we begin our journey into sexuality and it will be the main attraction as we reach the end our our sex lives. Kissing is the most intimate of sex acts but unfortunately, it is the first thing that goes once we discover orgasms, and sex becomes more goal-oriented than intimate. A little forward thinking here: remember, the time will come when your body will lose its ability to be fully sexual but your lips--those lovely, luscious, sexy lips--will never let you down.

And even now in your prime sexual years, kissing helps you maintain a playful intimacy and is always the one thing you can say yes to even when your body, exhausted by child-rearing, work or pre-menstrual bloating, will always be up for.

Even if your kisser hasn't been getting the workout it deserves these past few years, worry not. You can be up to speed in no time. Just keep in mind:

To rediscover kissing, practice hard and often. The key is to start slow and explore. Experiment with pressure and touch not only to see how you like to kiss and be kissed (there's a series of kisses just right for you, Goldilocks!), but also use his mouth and your tongue to instruct him how you like to be kissed elsewhere on your body. This can be quite fun and will be instructive to both of you.

Great kissers know that it’s not about the lips or the technique as much as it is about the origin of a kiss. An amazing kiss comes from the heart and soul. Your mouth is merely the conduit that delivers the message of your mood, emotions and intent. An effective kiss really is like a passionate dance—whether it be a tango, or waltz or salsa—and by translating the music in your head through your lips, you are guaranteed to make your lover’s head spin!

Here's a little sumthin' sumthin' about kissing and being good with your mouth from the book: The Good Sex Guide.

"After the genitals, the lips are the most sensitive part of the body. They're stuffed with nerve endings and can give and receive hours of pleasure. The most obvious use of your mouth (other than eating and talking) is kissing. This popular pastime is used by most cultures as a greeting and sign of affection. But when lovers kiss, it takes on a whole new meaning. When couples first meet, kissing is often intense and provocative. But over time, it's often forgotten. Thankfully, it's something you can easily learn again."

Now from the same book, here are a few kisses to add to your repertoire.

French Kissing. The well-known favorite, where you use your tongue to explore your partner's lips and mouth. Start gently, and as they open up, gradually increase the depth and urgency of your exploration. (My note: Go by your preference. If you don't like deep, keep it shallow and enjoy the tongue play on lips and slightly inside. The 'ice cream cone lick" on closed lips, can be VERY effective.)

Nibble kisses: Very, very gently caress your partner's lips and tongue with little bites--but remember, gently.

Suction kisses, Gently suck on your partner's lower lip or tongue. (This is one of my favorites and can be VERY sexy without being messy.)

Chicken kisses: Gently peck your lover over and over again with tiny kisses.

Teasing kisses: Gently and teasingly kiss your partner on the cheeks, chin, eyelids, nose--in fact anywhere but the mouth. It will be only a matter of time before they pull you to their lips."

Might I add, don't forget that the entire body is covered with skin--your most sensitive body organ. So the combination of lips on skin, where ever it is, is a lovely So go forth and KISS. If you are able, spend this evening simply kissing, and just like when you were a teenager, do not allow yourself to go any further than lip to lip. Enjoy!

The Lexis Trap

I admit it. I am a word whore. I love words. I love to hear them whispered in my ear and I love the way some words excite my mouth. I love to see them all strung together in a sentences that makes a reader stop and laugh or stop and cry or best of all, stop and think. I learned a long time ago that words have the power to changes minds, moods and lives. Yeah, I'm a word whore. I just can't get enough.

But I also know that while words can be used to entice, empower, thrill and titillate, they can also be like quicksand, causing us to get caught up in definitions and innuendos that we simply take for granted. So as often as we allow words to enrapture us, too many times we also let them entrap us. And this is particularly true when it comes to words connected to sex and sensuality.

For example:

To be sexy is the secret wish of the majority of women all over the world. (Okay, maybe be not those under the rule of the Taliban, but they have other, more pressing issues to deal with.) But have you ever really defined this word, look, attitude for yourself or have you done what most of us do and let others define it and then try in vain to fit into a mental and physical definition that doesn’t come close to the reality of our lives, lifestyles and not to mention our bodies?

Is it a wonder that we are feeling so confused and disconnected from our true sexy selves, fantasies and desires?

It's time to ask yourself: Is your sensuality and feminine confidence caught in the trap of connotation? Have common words and their definitions ensnared you within boundaries set by someone else? Take a minute to do the following exercise. Jot down the first word(s) that come to mind for each of the following:

Sensuality:


Flirtatious:


Scandalous:


Lust:


Bad Girl:


Wild Woman:

Now, go further and write a line or two more fully defining your personal thoughts of the word. Then, look up the actual definition. How do your thoughts differ?

Do you find that most of these words had a negative connotation for you? If so, where do you think those feelings came from? Explore this.

Now give each of these words a positive connotation based on your personal moral code and sense of integrity.

As En Vogue so aptly put: "Free your mind and the rest will follow."

Now go, be a whore for something you love.

Inter Generational Divas

I just returned from Phoenix, Arizona yesterday, where I did a workshop for nearly 300 women on how to unleash their sensuality. I was a bit nervous as the age range for this group went from early thirties to mid-nineties. I was concerned that my message might be a hard sell to women who had more than four decades of living under their belts than the messenger (that would be me), and that because I was no expert in geriatric sexuality that I would get it all wrong and wind up boring the youngin's and being ignored by the oldsters. Nervous in deed!

But I sucked it up and as I do before every public speaking engagement or sitting down to write a message to the public (whether blog or book) asked God to whisper in my ear the words that needed to be heard. And as usual, the words came.

Okay, have you ever heard the phrase, "to assume makes an ass of you and me?" Well I walked into that room with asinine assumptions only to leave with a head-full of knowledge and respect for the older divas that enhance this world.

Far from being shy and retiring, these lovelies were fine, fun-loving, and many still had a bit of the freak left in them! First, they walked into the room like supermodels--decked out in ladies-that-lunched outfits that defied the sterotypes of grandma and announced to the world that THEY knew they still had it going on and we should too. They listened, took notes, chatted among themselves and let the youngsters know in no uncertain terms that they still OWNED IT!

These women were full of energy and life-force. They made me feel comfortable and secure and in no way inhibited my presentation. Instead they enhanced it and gave me much food for thought. Yummy tidbits that I will be passing along to you as time goes by. But for today, here's what I know that you should know too.

Friendships with women of all ages are imperative to your ability to grow older with confidence. Inter generational girlfriends are the true fountains of youth. Younger women help the older divas stay youthful and current and women of a certain age help the up-and-comers realize that the joys of life don't have to droop when your boobs do.

One of my best friends is 66 years-old. She's beautiful and fabulous and amazing. Through her I've learned that age really isn't nothin' but a number and that the beauty that comes from healthy attitudes about health, exercise and sensual good living provides the true beauty that counts--the beauty that will lead you through the peaks and valleys of your feminine confidence as the years roll by.

So find ways to interact and grow friendships with women of all ages. These friendships will keep you young and sexy no matter if you're 13, 30 or 103! Because as my wise friend as always shown me by example--sexy is an attitude!

What do you think?

Just How Do You Let Your Bad Girl Loose?

There was a comment left on the blog entry about letting your bad girl come out and play. The reader thought it was a great idea but wanted to know, "how?"

My immediate answer is to redefine in your head what it means to be a 'bad". After all, who defined what a bad girl is or does anyway? If it wasn't you, the whole subject deserves a second thought.

Free yourself from the boundaries that the expectations of others have placed on you. It's time to OWN your sexuality and stop being afraid of it and what you 'think' it means to be sexually liberated.

If words are going to rule your world, maybe if you thought of it as putting a little naughty with your nice, you'd feel more comfortable. And I know it's getting close to Christmas and all but I'm sure your Santa Baby would definitely approve!

Here's an excerpt from a great book, The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex.

"Life is too short to waste being good. It's time for you to learn to enjoy what all the Bad Girls know.

"Bad Girls have no shame. What does that mean? It means that they are proud of who they are and what they feel. They love being bad and they have no interest in hiding that. Bad girls are not ashamed to feel desire. They are not ashamed to admit their desire or act on it.

"Bad Girls announce their intentions. They announce them with the way they walk, the way they talk, and the way they dress and undress. They announce their intentions when they stand up, when they sit down, when they eat, and when they smile. What are a Bad Girl's intentions: To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully alive with herself and her sexual partner. Clear, powerful, to the point and very, very Bad. Yet they express this in a way that is never cheap, never trashy, never tawdry. Bad Girls feel sexy and fabulous and desirable. They don't need to be "good"; they love how it feels being bad.

"Let's look at those intentions again: "To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully sexually alive with her sexual partner." What are you thinking to yourself right now? Are you thinking, "I have the same intentions?" I think you are, and I hope you are, yet there is a world of difference between having those intentions and living those intentions out loud. Bad Girls live out loud. That's what sets them apart. Don't let that discourage you. Turn yours up just a little at first, and then a little bit more every time as you get increasingly comfortable."

Live Out Loud.

What do you think?

Sensuality Workshop in Monmouth, NJ

For any of you who live in NJ or have friends and family that do, I'm doing a workshop called, The Power and Pleasure of Sensual Living, at Brookdale Community College in Monmouth, NJ. The workshop is Saturday, November 17th from 11-2:00. Lunch will be served as we find ways to bring both the power and the pleasure of sensual living (hence the name!) back into your work, personal, and love lives.

Tickets for lunch and the workshop are $30. Books will be sold and signed. For more information or to register call: 732-224-2315 and ask about the Unleash the Sensual You Workshop.

Hope you can join me. Feel free to pass this information along to anyone in the New Jersey area.

Let Your Bad Girl Come Out To Play

If you've been reading this blog, you know that I am doing a case study workshop called Stiletto Camp as research for a nonfiction book I'm writing. I'm working with ten amazing women from all over the country who range in age from 31 to 52. Some are married, some divorced, others never have been married. They are mothers, step-mothers, and childless. Some ladies have been with their lovers for years others a few months. A few are celibate, one by choice the others by chance. Needless to say, they are an eclectic group of wants and needs. All are itching to get their sexy back.

And the majority seem to also have a common desire--they want to shed their good girl ways and add a little naughty to their nice.

Working with these ten lovelies this week got me to thinking about how so many of us good girls out in the world are missing out on much of the good clean lust (okay, maybe squeaky clean) life has to offer because we're stuck in good girl persona.

I say, it's time to support the bad girl in you and let her come out to play.

First, before we do, let's get a few things straight. Being a bad girl does not mean being immoral or doing anything illegal; acting cheap or tawdry; disrespecting yourself or others; or engaging in indiscriminate sex.

Women who engage in the aforementioned lifestyle aren't Bad Girls, they're troubled girls.

So let's define what being bad means for ourselves. Being bad means loving sex, being sexually confident, being physically uninhibited, having a healthy sexual appetite and knowing how to feed it. Being bad means being unashamed of being assertive, knowing what you want and asking for it. It means being fully in the moment and happily orgasmic. It means knowing that safe IS sexy.

Now I ask you: Doesn't being bad sound awfully good?

So why then are we so afraid to explore our sexual sides with the gusto both we and our lovers deserve?

I know...a loaded question with a history of psychological head trips played on us throughout the generations.

Maybe it's best that we reach back into the generations to one of the baddest bad girls of all times for a bit of wisdom. Here is a classic thought from Mae West. Let it be your mantra as you allow your Bad Girl out to play.

"When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad I'm better."

What do you think?

Kegels: The Exercise That Keeps On Giving

I don't really like exercise. I miss the days when I participated in sports because back then all my exercise was tied up in playing a game, not standing in a mirrored room comparing my body to a bunch of other women's. I've tried the workout classes and the weight circuit but after years of starting and stopping, I have now come to depend on the three forms of exercise that I remain committed to: Yoga, Walking and Kegels. These three activities are like the lover you can't ever walk away from--you try but ultimately you find yourself back in the mix--and happy you are.

Lest you think I've forgotten that September is all about sex, I haven't. I'm writing about exercise because I've found the aforementioned crucial to maintaining a great sex life. Let me break it down.

Yoga: It's all about stress reduction and keeping your body flexible. A clear mind and a limber body--two clear assets for having having great sex. What lover doesn't get jazzed over the idea that you can wrap your legs clear around his head or have a willing mind and capable body to try a few poses from the Kama Sutra?

Walking: Cardio. Healthy heart and fit body--two more must haves for a hot sex life. While quickies are great fun, they should only be the exception, not the norm because your don't have the stamina to go the lusty distance.

Kegels: Yes, I'm talking about the so-you-don't-pee-on-yourself pelvic exercises. Kegels are part of my exercise trinity. But the well-kept secret about this magic little exercise goes well beyond not embarrassing yourself every time you sneeze. See the Kegel is the exercise that keeps on giving in ways that make your body smile like no amount of sweatin' to the oldies ever can. And like yoga and walking you really don't need any special equipment or clothing. In fact, while doing Kegels (and in some yoga classes) clothing is purely optional.

Kegels are what you do when you're trying to strengthen you love muscle...your sex muscle...your 'do it to me now before I explode' muscle. Anatomically speaking, it's your PC muscle or actually group of muscles that support your pelvic cavity.

It's also the muscle, that when in shape, allows you to have rip-roaring orgasms. Studies have confirmed that the ability to have an orgasm, and the intensity of that orgasm, correlates with the contraction strength of the PC muscle. Women who don't have orgasm or have lackluster 'snoregasms' tend to have weak PC muscles.

But more and better orgasms are just one oh-so sweet by product of the Kegel. Another direct and beneficial result is that they help keep sex on your brain. Now I ask you: Have you ever been more excited about the idea of exercising?

Kegels can be done any time and/or any place and nobody else has to know you're working out. You can do your Kegels while you watch TV, shop, ride the subway, read, cook or drive carpool. In fact, you can even do Kegels while you're walking or doing yoga! How's that for economizing your time!

So, how do you Kegel? Here are the basics:

While you are in the bathroom, try to stop the flow of urine. The muscle that stops you from urinating is the PC muscle. The action of stopping is the Kegel exercise. Hold for one second and release. Repeat the hold, release action three times. If you're squeezing the right muscle you should stop the flow of urine each time.

If you can't completely stop the flow, it means you've got a flabby PC (mine used to match my stomach). But don't worry, unlike my dang stomach, the PC muscle responds quickly with constant exercise.

Prime exercise time: Build them into your daily routine. Before you even get out of the bed do sixty seconds worth of Kegels. Every time you go to the potty, throw in a few more. And during your evening TV watching, sixty seconds more. Add your daily shower or bath and that's four times a day, every day, that you're training your mind and body for the sensual pleasures of sex.

Kegel on my friends and enjoy the results!

What do you think?

Down with So-So Sex!!

As our theme this month is "Sexy September" here's an encore entry from February. It's worth the reminder!

I saw this in O Magazine and thought it was definitely worth passing on.

“We settle for so-so sex because most of us don’t know how sexual we could be; we only know how sexual we are. How sexual we are has been shaped by decades of indoctrination by…family and friends, teachers, religious leaders and romantic partners, not to mention a society that worships a bewildering fusion of childlike sexual innocence and cynical, nilhilistic hedonism…So what is normal? It all depends on what is normal for you.”

Anita Clayton, MD with Robin Cantor-Cooke, in Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy (Ballentine)

Find your 'normal' and rock on!

Sex On The Brain

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite saying is, "Where Your Mind Goes Your Butt Follows." It's clear, concise and action oriented: Action follows thought.

This idea applies to everything from making your dreams come true to creating a rip-roaring, passion-filled sex life. Because as the little cartoon above illustrates, brain and heart are your two biggest sex organs, though most of us mistake the other ‘stuff’ as the only 'parts' that count.

So if you really want to amp up your sex life, it’s time to wake up your sexy mind because once you turn on your brain, the rest of the equipment is sure to rev up or as I like to put it, “Sexy starts in your head. Where it ends is what makes your body smile.”

Commercial break: By the way, have you ordered your set of WMS affirmation cards? What are you waiting for? Get your set now at www.inspire-and-affirm.com

See the thing is, thinking sexy when you're in a new relationship is easy. In fact, when there is someone new who you find attractive, keeping sex OFF your brain is damn near impossible. Mother Nature kicks your body into hormonal overdrive and you exude chemicals like phenylethylamine, which more potent than a Cosmo, mixes with other pheromones and such to create a potent hormonal cocktail that creates a natural lover’s high. Think about it: when you feel sexy, the sun shines brighter, flowers seem more fragrant and beautiful, and that drugstore chocolate that tasted slightly waxy yesterday, today tastes downright orgasmic! It’s this hormonal cocktail that attracts you to and bonds you with your new lover, it’s what makes you feel deliciously off balance, heady, giddy and hot, hot, hot!

But what Mother Nature giveth, she also taketh away. In the average relationship, this romantic space has an expiration date that comes far too soon for most of us. One day you wake up and realize that those habits you once thought of as cute and endearing have become irritating. Suddenly he’s not so perfect and the sex god he once was has turned into an annoying slob. Combine that with the stress and rush of kids, work and the details of day-to-day life and before you know it, sex has become something you do and you slip into a state of sexual neutrality—you’re not necessarily in the mood for sex, but you can get there if you have/need/want to.

This can be a critical point for a lot of women when it comes to how they approach and live their sex lives. When buzz of new romance wears off, and your brain is no longer continually filled with sex thoughts about yourself and your partner, your shut down thinking about yourself as sensual, sexual beings. Stilettos are traded in for sneakers, sensible undies replace lingerie and all the things that once made up your natural seduction kit are relegated to props for designated romantic celebrations.

And this is exactly why keeping sex on the brain is so vital to every Weapon of Mass Seduction’s sexual vitality. Like those Jimmy Choos you can’t get off your mind—the more you think about something, the more you HAVE to have it. Sex is no different.

Thinking about sex does not have to interfere with your daily life but instead will enhance everything. A sexy mind keeps you feeling fully alive. It keeps you ready to make love on the fly instead of falling into the dreaded appointment sex category. It also puts your partner on notice that you are a sensual, exciting woman. It puts him where you want him and keeps him there…waiting and wanting YOU.

If this is what you want, try these four tips for reinvigorating your sexy mind. I’ve gathered them up from various sources and have tried them all. They worked for me and many folks I’ve recommended them to. Hopefully, they’ll help put sex back on your brain too.

1. Never underestimate the seductive power of the written word.
One study showed that women who read romantic fiction have better sex lives than those who don't (I have a few titles to suggest!). Also, keep an open mind about erotica, which is an entirely different animal than pornography. It's really a matter of personal taste but erotica can be quite enjoyable and titillating and will go along way in putting you in a sexy state of mind.

2. Keep thinking sexy thoughts. Fantasizing about Morris Chestnut or Brad Pitt or the guy with the amazing tight end you found yourself gazing upon in the elevator is not a bad thing. The joy of a pleasurable ‘mind job” is that you don’t have to be responsible, reasonable or safe for that matter. Let your mind be a sexy playground where you can fulfill every side of your sexual self—even the freaky side which will probably never see the light of day but can be some serious fuel to keep that lusty fire burning.

3. Stay away from negative thoughts about sex. Parents, pastors, and past experiences may have helped form your opinions about sex, and truth be told, they may not be YOUR opinions. Negative ideas, those that seem to fight with your authentic sexual desires, need to be looked at and challenged on the regular. If you don’t you’ll continue to believe that ‘nice girls don’t enjoy sex’ or “sex is your duty’ or “wanting sex makes you a slut.” Reprogram your brain to understand that your feminine confidence (i.e. sexual confidence), vitality and fulfillment are CRUCIAL to your existence as a fully alive, fully realized woman. And because your sexual turn-ons are as individual as your fingerprints, what entity has the right to judge your desires?

4. Think like a man. Ask yourself: Why do guys want to have sex all the time? And we all know the answer to that question: Because they think about it all the time. For example, a man will use an elevator ride as an opportunity for some erotic sight-seeing. He spots a great butt and immediately fantasizes about giving it a firm squeeze. A woman spots a nice tush, sneaks a quick glance and then goes back to her to-do list for the day.

Now I ask you: Isn’t it time for you to start thinking more like a man?

Wake up that sexy mind and get to know your inner sexiness. We're all so consumed with the condition of our bodies we're neglecting the biggest turn-on of all.

What do you think?

Until I Return

Somebody sent the videos below to me and I had to share them with you. So have a few chuckles until I post again. Enjoy!

How To Think Like A Woman

Hey Honey, Let's Take A Sexy Bath Together

Get Ready for a Sexy September

I'm sure you've noticed that my blog entries have been a little lacking this month. I apologize, but see what had happen was, first, some kind of technical snafu with blogspot kept me from blogging, and then with all of my book touring and personal vacation time and getting my son ready to leave for college next week, well finding time to blog has been tough.

So WMS is officially on hiatus for the rest of August and will return on September 6 for a month dedicated to thoughts on S.E.X. The things I want to discuss involve feeling good about sex as a woman; about knowing how to do more than turn on your lover, but also how to recognize your own sexual power and how to use the power of the punani to benefit you and your partner. We'll be talking about looking at new ways to apporach sex--with an eye on playfulness, a sense of adventure and a commitment to your own pleasure.

So enjoy the rest of your summer and get ready for a Sexy September! In the meantime, if you have any questions, comments or suggested topics send them along to mass.seduction@yahoo.com

Until the sixth, think sexy thoughts!

Stiletto Camp Registration is Now Closed

Thanks to all of you who wrote in to volunteer for Stiletto Camp. Registration is now full but you'll be able to read all about on a sister blog. Stay tuned for information on where to tune in.

Scandalous!

My kids, little jokers that they are, gave me a book two birthdays ago that I just now picked up to peek through. The title? Old Age Is Always 15 Years Older Than I Am. Ha! Ha! Kids. They're so doggone funny. The only reason I decided to even crack the cover is I was looking for a quote to use on my mother's 80th birthday invitation.

But instead of a birthday quote, I stumbled across a little ditty that has captured my attention for the past few days. It's by Oscar Wilde, who after looking into many of his quotable statements, is one man I would have loved to sit down and have a martini with. Here's what Oscar said: "One should never make one's debut with a scandal; one should reserve that to give interest to one's old age."

The entire idea of being scandalous intrigued me. So I've spent the last few days rolling the word around my mouth and took the time this weekend while I was enjoying myself in Sag Harbor to noodle around the concept of being scandalous.

The dictionary defines it as: "behavior offensive to propriety or morality." Hmmm. To make sure I had a true understanding of the definition I had to flip back a few pages and look up 'propriety,' which is "the quality or state of being proper and also defined as "the standard of what is socially acceptable in conduct and speech." Hmmm.

Okay now I'm feeling just a little bit annoyed because just who is the arbitrator of what is socially acceptable? I mean who is actually in charge of dictating to me and the rest of us the nuances of what's socially or morally right?

I mean beyond the Ten Commandments and other generally agreed upon rules like no talking to the screen all through a movie or liberally peppering your speech with the MF words at your preschoolers parent/teacher conference or using all the toilet paper and not replacing the roll or sleeping with your best friend's man, who is the wizard behind the curtain playing the grand 'decider?'.

When I think about the women in history who are considered sensual and sexual icons, many of them are considered scandalous in some form or fashion. Think about it: Cleopatra, Mae West, Coco Chanel, Marlena Dietrich, Marilyn Monroe, Josephine Baker, Eartha Kitt, Sophia Loren, Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross, Madonna, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez all women who by living, working and loving on their own terms often created controversy and concern among the keepers of society's social and moral compass. They didn't live in fear of being judged. Their fear was living without feeling alive.

These women lived by their own moral code and rules and while some choices led them down rather destructive paths, others led to great success and happiness and both paths led them towards an authentic life...one that for good or bad, right or wrong, was dictated by their own sense of individual truth.

The more I think about it and the longer I live, the more I become a quiet advocate for living scandalously. Free yourself from the opinions and of other people's opinions about what's right or wrong and do what you have to do to live a life that is full and joyous and satisfying on your terms.

Put a little scandal in your life. It doesn't have to be major what-the-hell-are you-thinking-Lindsay Lohan-Paris Hilton-Brittany Spears-is you crazy-tabloid scandalous. Hell, nobody but you needs to know. But certainly do something that excites you; that feels right to you; that is in keeping with your own truth and your own moral code but makes you step outside the boundaries that other people, whether parent or pastor, have placed on you.

Find an area in your life to be a little outrageous. Wear red nail polish or lipstick; buy some skimpy lingerie to wear under your church clothes; unbutton those top three buttons and show a little cleavage; raise your hem two inches; take a skinny dip; pull out that list of sexual tricks and treats you've been too intimidated to try and check them off one by one; make love on the balcony; take a trip by yourself and discover something new about yourself; buy a vibrator or if you have one, share it with your lover; plan a vacation at a hedonism resort and give into your pent-up guilty pleasures; eat really expensive chocolate instead of salad for lunch; go commando. Learn to tango (did you know that the tango was originally danced in the brothels of poor neighborhoods because it was considered to be scandalous? Now, you can simply turn on the tube to Dancing with the Stars. Whose heart didn't skip a beat when that sexy little Mario tangoed his sexy butt off? Now that's entertainment).

Do something that you don't ordinarily do because other folks think you shouldn't. Follow Oscar Wilde's advice and include a little scandal in your life to give you and it interest,spice and memories that bring a sly smile to your lips. Eliminate regret...and failure...from your vocabulary. And if that's not possible, consider that it's better to regret something you DID instead of something you DIDN'T do.

Scandalous women are sexy. Why? Because passion, confidence, individualism, fearlessness, excitement, curiosity and a sense of adventure are all the prime ingredients to scandalous personality. And being scandalous doesn't require that you lose your sense of integrity and honesty, just that you lose your fear of being authentically you.

So, set your own boundaries and when in doubt fall back on these Universal truths: Love. Seek Joy. Do No Harm. Live the Truth. Still not sure?

India.Arie said it best, "You know the truth by the way it feels."

What do you think?

Be The Flame...

I've always had a motto about men. Simply put, "Let them be the moths, I am the flame." As I look back and try to figure out when and where this notion got planted in my head, I can only come up with my parents. I mean, they never said such a thing, but their rules ultimately shaped my thoughts and actions.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen (couldn't even have phone calls from boys until I was fifteen), so aggressively pursuing a boy or even looking for a boyfriend was a mute point. Of course I was too mortified to tell boys that my house rules were so strict, so I went about the business of developing my own interests and in the process also developed an air of friendly nonchalance that apparently proved to be intriguing.

Despite the fact that I thought my parents were brutally unkind, now I see that I actually learned three valuable lessons in those early years: 1) boys like a bit of a chase; 2) staying busy doing my own thing--whether work or play--was a good thing because having my own life and interests is an important part of any relationship; and 3) boys will always find you, especially when you're not looking.

So I repeat: Be the flame.

Being the flame gives you a very positive attitude to wrap your mind around (and we all know, where your mind goes, your butt follows). Flame glows. Flame attracts. Flame lights the way and warms the path. Flame welcomes and mesmerizes. Flame is white hot!

Be the flame because when you're the moth, you simply become one of several flitting around someone else's light waiting and hoping that you'll get noticed (and increasing your chances of getting burned). When you're the moth, you give the flame the power to pick and choose; to validate and make you feel attractive and wanted. Bump that...BE THE FLAME!

I know, easier said than done. Well let's talk about a few ways to make sure your flame burns big and bright enough to attract the moths with the right stuff.

1) Change your attitude, change your life. Stop living with the moth mentality and let your light shine. Stop believing that basking in the light of some man's flame will make you happy and start tending to your flame. Building and basking in a secure, self-confident fire within is the secret to your happiness.

2) Work to make your flame a beacon of welcoming light and warmth--not a fire hazard. We are so worried about how lovable we are that we don't stop to consider what is the quality of the love we give.

3) Begin to recognize the attributes in other women whose light you admire. She might even be the one you constantly refer to a 'biyatch,' when you are suffering with acute EBS (evil bitch syndrome). It is important to understand that the attributes you admire (and probably envy)and are drawn to in other women are most often those hidden assets that you have yet to acknowledge in yourself. So instead of player hatin', look, listen and learn from the flames around you. Bring these things out in yourself and watch as your flame gets brighter.

4) Work on your sensual, signature style (see early posts)to make your flame unique and individual while enhancing your best qualities and letting your perceived flaws go up in smoke.

5) Stop believing that only certain moths should be attracted to your light. Don't limit your options with some small-minded list of flame-retarded choices. The moth you turn away because his wings aren't the right size or color or his cocoon isn't big enough may just be the moth of your dreams. And even if he's not the ultimate moth, the lesson he may be there to teach you may be the one that will help draw Mr. Right to your flame.

Be the flame.

What do you think?

Sunnin' and Funnin'

I saw this image and decided I had to use it in a blog entry and this was supposed to be about being safe and sexy in the sun. It reminded me of the first and only time I got sunburned to the point of excruciating discomfort. I was in college. I went down to Puerto Rico with a friend and did what we always did back there-- slathered on some Johnson's baby oil and sat on the beach looking young and fly. My first time out of the country too. No body mentioned that the sun is slightly stronger down yonder. I got burned from my eyelids to my toe nails and everything in between. The trip home was a nightmare as anything that touched my body--threads even--hurt like hell. Never again, I promised myself and unlike my promise to give up Dunkin' Donuts, I kept that promise.

But as I sat down to write all that came to mind is the last time I visited a nude beach--Orient Beach in St. Maarten, July 2005--to pinpoint my last venture au naturale. And that led me to think about the first time I'd ever tip-toed out to a nude beach--the same beach in 1986 on my honeymoon. And that got me thinking about all the years that have gone by in between--oh hell, let me start from the top.

My husband and I went to St. Maarten on our honeymoon. I was a young, nubile newlywed of 26 married to a curious, very adventurous younger man who has always had a great body and has never been afraid to show it. It was his idea to check out Orient Beach, and though I was feeling a bit shy about the whole thing I agreed. Of course, the man was out of his clothes in the parking lot! I had to laugh--even back then I was about going with the flow (though frankly, I had no intention of taking off my swimsuit). We ambled down to the beach, which was surprisingly empty. All the better. While I stripped down to my bikini and set up our picnic, my husband walked down to the shoreline to check out the surf (okay and to let me check him out!) and then proceeded to make himself comfortable on the blanket in the sand.

Then the parade started and I realized we were an anomaly on this stretch of clothing optional sand.

It began with a heavyset man whose stomach provided a sunscreen for his privates (you get the picture and it wasn't pretty!). Next a tall, skinny couple, where everything on both of them was hanging and swinging in the ocean breeze. They proceeded to frolic in the surf, hot, happy and naked as jaybirds. Right there I realized that this was no St. Tropez. No Rio di Janiero. No exquisite bodies oiled up and oozing sex. Matter of fact, Craig and I were the only hot bodies to be seen.

That knowledge and a little prompting led me to remove my top. A few hours later, with the realization that nobody gave a damn and a little more spousal prompting, off came the bottoms. But even with the best body on that land (and when the hell would that ever happen again?) and my man by my side, I still didn't feel truly comfortable in my skin' and before I wound up with some wacky tan line--one hand print on my upper arm and one on my thigh--I closed my eyes, turned over and let my butt take all the heat. Still, I had to admire the fact that these old folks were oblivious to their imperfections or my judgemental eyes. They were just enjoying the sun and surf in their birthday suits--wrinkled and worn as they might be. I had to applaud their daring.

Fast forward twenty years. I'm back on Orient Beach, this time all by my lonesome, blissfully minding my own business, editing my book, and enjoying the sun kissing my naked body (okay this is actually part two of the red bikini story I wrote about in May.) I was full frontal and didn't give a damn who saw (Okay, in full-disclosure, I did take a little time to position body parts so they weren't slipping under my armpits and my stomach appeared flatter than it actually was. And okay, even in my late 40's I was still among the youngest and most fit bodies on the beach, amazing how much the 70 plus crowd likes to strut around nekked.) But the huge, most telling difference was that I was relaxed and enjoying myself because unlike when I was a young newlywed, I'd taken the sex out of this adventure and was simply enjoying the sensuality of the experience. I had no worries about being judged as a sexual object and the only bodies I noticed were the occasional, fully clothed, twenty somethings ambling down the shore trying not to gawk and laugh at us old-timers happily enjoying nature in the buff. They were curious about the idea of a nude beach but not courageous enough to experience it. I had laugh as I thought back to myself at their age. Age does bring wisdom and courage and a spectacular "I don't give a damn, deal with it" attitude that goes along way in making like more enjoyable and a hell of a lot less stressful.

So what's the point of this rambling set of memories? First, I'm not proud of the fact that my comfort level ebbs and flows only by comparison. Even I have yet to master the lesson 100% of the time that being myself, exactly the way I am, is fabulous and can never be wrong. Secondly, whether it's a nude beach, taking a trip without your spouse or painting your toenails and fire engine red, occasionally challenge yourself to do something daring and outside of your comfort zone. Only then will you recognize how much fuller and funner (I know it's not grammatically correct--I should say more fun, but I like the way fuller and funner sounds) life can be when you are brave and adventurous. And lastly, wear sunblock every time you leave the house. Keep that birthday suit healthy and wrinkle free just in case Orient Beach or some other naked adventure comes up in your travel plans!

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Looking for A Few Good Women

Hi Ladies,

I am looking for five more women (preferably married or in a committed relationship) looking to get their sexy back and are game for participating in my Stiletto Camp--six weeks of individual coaching intended to help you become the beautiful, sensual, confident wife and partner you were meant to be.

In addition to a Stiletto Camp workbook with exercises designed to unearth your authentic sensuous you, you'll receive:

A weekly, one hour, individual coaching sessions by phone

Two WMS support group conference call meetings

A weekly motivational email

Unlimited email access

WMS gift pack

In return for the services above, I will ask you to allow me to document your progress for inclusion in my new, nonfiction book. Of course, all names and identifying details will be changed to protect your identity.

This complimentary camp officially begins October 1, 2007, so grab a girlfriend and take the first fun and empowering step towards becoming a more sensual, more charming, more successful YOU.

To enlist, email your name, address, phone number to me at mass.seduction@yahoo.com Tell me your story and why you'd like to participate. You'll be hearing from me and before you know it, getting your sexy back! Deadline to register is Sept. 1, 2007. Hurry! Only five spots remain.

PS This post is separate and above the Tandi Cruise offer.

What's Sexy?

My daughter, who is 14 and about to enter high school this fall, finally said the "S" word. She told me she wanted to be "sexy." When I asked her to explain to me what she thought sexy was, she, like most of us, was at a loss for words. So I of course took the opportunity fill in the blanks for her.

My first response to her was "Sexy is a clean body. Sexy is fresh breath. Sexy is skin that's soft and not ashy." "Sexy is a genuine smile." "Sexy is a clean room." (okay, that was a little behavior modification, but it can't hurt!). "Sexy is clean underwear." Apparently that wasn't the message she was trying to hear, (but believe me I'll be in her ear with it for the duration) and she all but knocked me down trying to answer her cell phone.

Well that conversation got me to thinking and I decided to share with you what other things I think are sexy. Okay, truth is, I was on a roll with nobody to listen. So here we go!

Kindness is sexy. Laughter is sexy. Realness is sexy. Smart is sexy. Humor is sexy. Bold is sexy. SAFE is sexy. Truth is sexy. Confidence is sexy. Passion is sexy. Quirky is sexy. (Strange is not!) Individualism is sexy. Mystery is sexy.
Compassion is sexy. Fairness is sexy. Natural is sexy. Loving God is sexy. Love yourself is sexy.

These are all the things I want to explain to my daughter when she is willing to listen. I want her to know that she is sexy because she is who she is. That sexy isn't a mold every woman has to stuff herself into. It doesn't come in a bottle and she won't find it hanging on the size 2 rack. That she has the right to be sexy on her own terms and she shouldn't judge hers, or anyone else's sexiness by any rigid cultural, societal or media implied standards.

She is the new (and improved) sexy and, so by the way, are you.

What do you think?